DD has made me feel so hurt

[Motherwell91]

My dd (6) through a massive tantrum at bed tonight... Tears, screams hyperventilating the works. She kept saying she didn't feel safe and no one understand her and that she didn't want to live with us anymore. I have never felt so hurt. I had a hard upbringing with mental and physical abuse. So I've always tried hard to listen to my children and keep as healthy and happy household as possible. She was shouting and screaming so much are neighbour knocked on the door to check everything was okay. I'm mortified by this. She offered to speak to her as heard her state she wanted to speak to someone who understands. Am I overthinking that she needs to go talk to someone or see the gp or is this just a tantrum? She was happy and content until bedtime. I feel like such a bad parent and God knows what the neighbour really thinks. Sorry if this is all over the place I think I just need some advice or a hand hold or something. She is just so emotional and sensitive recently from no where constantly tearing up.

Sorry but I feel it is a disconcerting thing to hear.
Any child should feel safest and most secure when at home with parents.
I would be very troubled hearing this.

Who lives in the house? Who has unsupervised access with her?

If my 6 year old told me she felt usafe and was so upset I would not be dismissing it.

She's only little... Year 1?

Speaking as a infant school teacher, children at that age can express themselves in some strange ways... Could it be something as simple as she's worried about moving up to a new class in September? They will have been talking about it a lot in school, and sometimes children can get a lot of anxiety about it. Especially if they're not super-keen on the teacher, or if she/he has a reputation of being a bit shouty and strict.

Your neighbour sounds very kind. Does she have children, or work with young children herself? She's offered some help, could you take it? Your DD might like a trip out to a coffee shop for cake and a hot chocolate with someone friendly and interested. She may be able to get to the bottom of the drama. I myself have done this a couple of times with friends kids. Those of us who work with kids can usually tease the problem out of them, and 99% of the time, it's nothing super-serious.

I'm sorry but a 6yr articulating that they don't feel safe is not normal and has set alarm bells ringing for me. Do not ignore this or put it down to tiredness OP. Your child is trying to tell you something.

I think it's important to realise she felt safe enough to even try to talk to you about this, even if it came across muddled in a 'tantrum'.

^^this

It definitely requires further investigation, but you're her safe place, and that's why she can let go.

I know it’s hard but please try not to make this about you and what people think of you. My parents did that throughout my childhood and I felt no one had my back (now that really did make me feel not safe!) and I had problems into adulthood.

I know it’s hard and hurtful - my kids are tiny but am sure there’s plenty of this ahead for me and I’ll struggle - but try to make this just about her and what she’s feeling.

Can you answer the question op, who else lives in the house?

I think people are projecting adult interpretations of these words onto children's emotions. Saying 'no-one understands me' is different for a 13 year old who is having an emotional crisis to a 6 year old with a speech problem who literally means no-one can understand what I'm saying because of my speech! Similarly, 'safe' is something they do at school now, safe words etc and doesn't necessarily mean again what an adult would mean.

One of my dd's went through terrible tantrums around 6/7, and used to say she was going to throw herself off the roof! Or smash my glasses and would hurt me., trash her room I had no idea what to do and didn't post on here as I knew everyone would say she had to go to the drs/this language was abnormal etc. Sure enough it was just a time of intense emotion in a bright little girl who didn't know what language she needed to use to express herself and was picking stuff up from the news/books/things she heard in the playground. She stopped the tantrums aged about 8 and has turned into your regular lovely mature teen.

That's not to say I wouldn't spend time with her- lots of quality one to one time, and that I wouldn't be alert to any major issues, ask at school and friends. But 6 year old thinking is very black and white, very dramatic and very overstated in some kids- we found a diary of hers from aged 7 and the writing was unbelievably direct and condemning of me for not letting her have a dog- it seemed completely over the top. I don't think we can understand the emotions of a 6 year old through adult thinking and whilst she might be trying to say something profound or worrying and you need to be open to that, equally this stuff may be just pretty normal for a 6 year old.

You need to investigate what has caused this. It could just be school stuff for example a child told my dd that they would come to her house in the night and steal her toys so she felt frightened and not safe at home. But it could be abuse or something more serious.

Who has been looking after her while you worked?

I am probably way off the mark, and I was older than your DD at the time, but this is how I began to behave after I was sexually abused as a child. I screamed and cried and shouted, desperately hoping I think that someone would notice something wasn’t right. I’m not for a second suggesting this is the problem, just maintain open channels of communication. Could she have experienced some unkindness at school? Struggled with her work that day? Any other siblings?

I would just keep an eye on her to be honest. I wouldn't be rushing to the GP just yet.

My 4 nearly 5 DS had an epic meltdown last night. Sobbing, lying on the floor over nothing. MIL is next door and came round to see what the fuss was about. He told DH that he didn't love him anymore and that he didn't want to live with us anymore. He's fine this morning. It's the end of term - they're all hot and sweaty and exhausted.

I would just have a chat with her about the not feeling safe and where that's come from.

I still think the words “don’t feel safe” from a 6 year old are a huge concern and should absolutely be taken literally

I've parented my own children as well as looking after many other peoples children. I've never had a six year old say they feel unsafe at home. As this is the internet you could be absolutely anyone, as could I. So, if you know you haven't made your child feel unsafe by anything in your behaviour, who else could have done?

I'm going out on a limb here, just suggesting this as a potential consideration...
I'm wondering if it's possible she is on the Autistic spectrum? The things I noticed were:
Feeling misunderstood (autistic people, whether diagnosed or not, often feel they are somehow "different" without easily being able to explain why).

She's having speech therapy.

She's apparently happy at school but this anxious and upset at home - if this is a regular thing it may indicate being unable to sort of "keep up" the behaviour she shows at school due to being worn out from compensating for ASD issues.

Your family background - undiagnosed/unknown ASD over the generations may be involved in mental issues.

As I say, it's just a thought and by no means the only or most likely explanation - just may be worth a quick look at how ASD manifests in girls (different to boys), just in case.

It's unusual language for a 6 year old to use?! Have they had a talk in school where feeling safe has come up? It could well be a common tiredness end of term hot weather tantrum and she is parroting language she's heard somewhere. I'd not rush to the GP at this stage I don't think, but certainly talk to her at a time when she is calm and ask her what she meant by that, and see if you can get to the bottom of any issues, and if tantrums like that continue then book an appt witb the GP and the school.

I realise it's not always considered good form to look at previous posts but I notice that your 14 month old younger daughter, only a month ago, was having episodes of up to three hour crying when you left her at home while you went to work. She didn't appear to have these crying episodes when left anywhere else. You say she has been left with your partner

Safeguarding programs talk about staying 'safe' all the time- safe touch, staying safe on the internet, the pants rule keeping you safe. It's all the language of 'safety' and as someone else has said, this might be picked up by a child.

However, I do agree with everyone that more talking and an alertness around what this might mean, including the unthinkable, is needed.

I was pointing out that language doesn't mean the same to adults as children, and that children of this age do experience some very strong and perhaps frightening to adults emotions (I hate you, being the most obvious one).

But I would never shut down lines of communication or become less alert to the genuine possibilities of distress or abuse on that basis. More chats, check in with school and acting if anything seems more alarming seems a place to start.

Who else lives with you?

I think you need to stop feeling hurt and start investigating. Whats the point of us telling our kids that they can talk to us about anything if we ignore them when they ask for help?

Not to stick the boot in, op, but screaming she doesn’t feel safe and wanting to speak to someone who understands... suggests you are actually not her safe space right now, for some reason.
You need to find her someone to talk to, be it gp or counsellor.
You can’t ignore this. If it turns out to be nothing well and good.

If you are sure that there is nothing/no-one in her life that could be making her feel unsafe then I would be looking at what she’s been watching on TV. I can’t believe my girls are any different to others of their age but they often come out with phrases and sayings that they have heard that bear no relation to their everyday life.
All my children are what I would call lack lustre at the moment - it’s hot, they’re tired, the school term is coming to an end, they have their new classes for next year - the list is endless. The tiniest thing can set them off and I think it’s more good luck than good management that there hasn’t been a major meltdown yet.
In your shoes I wouldn’t be rushing to the GP today unless there have been previous occasions when she’s had a tantrum and said the same things - once a tantrum takes hold all control goes and things are said and done without meaning. This could be simply what happened here.
I don’t know what you’ve done with her this morning OP - hopefully given her a big cuddle and asked her what it was all about. Keep a close eye on her for the next few days and give her a few little treats - not as a reward for the tantrum but just as nice things to do - see how things go
You don’t say whether your neighbour has had cause to come round before but don’t worry about her, just be grateful that if you had needed her help she would have been there. If you see her apologise for the noise and simply say you have no idea what caused all the hoo-ha. and you are trying to get to the bottom of it.

When my son was in Y1, Childline came and spoke at his school. They obviously meant well, but my son took some of what they said very simply and literally ("no-one should make you do something you don't want to"; "no-one should touch you without permission") and we had a very bad few weeks afterwards. He wouldn't let me kiss him goodnight for a week, and we had behavioural issues we'd never had before (or since). Could it be something like this?
Alternatively, the obvious question is: who else shares your home, and could there be some real concern there?
Perhaps try calmly suggesting that if anything ever worries her, that she should talk to you or a teacher or aunt or other trusted adult about it.

@HopefullyAnonymous and @flamingjune123 have made some very helpful/insightful comments.

Why is your younger child crying for three hours after being left with someone at home? Who is the person they are being left with and why do your children feel upset and unsafe in their own home?

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but you need to refocus from your feelings and investigate if someone is harming your children as a matter of urgency, as it sounds like they could be in danger.

I hope they are ok, and this is something and nothing, but you need to act on this ASAP OP and have a direct conversation with them, and other parties involved.

Don't let this blow over, it could be the worse thing you could ever do.

Can you ask her to draw her problems? That might help in understanding what is worrying her as she can show you things in the picture, as well as drawing being calming in itself.

I used to feel very unsafe sometimes at her age because my older sister was a bully, though she hid it well enough for most. Does she have siblings?

My boys are 8 and 10 and often do this near the end of term, they're tired and worn out. The everyone hates no one understands me is quite common.

Whilst you may want to keep an eye on the feeling safe comments only you know who or what is happening in her life, maybe it just stems from how you or school have talked about general feelings, especially if there are issues from your own experiences. Thinking about what my own children are taught nowadays, feeling safe is a common term now in well being terms, physically safe and emotionally able to share feelings and difficulties. And it may be that this is the way she is expressing how overwhelmed she is feeling at the moment.

I do understand your feelings though. Even now I can worry about the comments and be upset (usually when I am tired or hormonal!) And actually reading pp comments is making me think about how I'm addressing my 10 year old as I have been a bit more dismissive lately, saying he's too old for these sorts of tantrums/crying but actually he's still a little boy and that poster someone posted earlier was good, he is struggling with feelings and is overwhelmed and looking to see how we deal with his problems. I don't want him to not confide in me in future.

Take heart that it will probably pass, and you're going a good job with dd. If you have someone to talk to maybe the neighbour, maybe someone else I'm sure it would help you process your thoughts and feelings.

Children will say really hurtful things sometimes for a reaction and sometimes they are completely unexpected because you didn't know they had that language or understanding.

As lots have said, the end of term is very unsettling and often the child doesn't realise what it is that is making them upset. Children need enough 'down time' when they feel very stressed. Making sure they have lots of time to play with their own toys, do what they enjoy etc. in their own home when it is calm and there are no demands put on them.

As there is a week left of school, I would contact the school and talk to her teacher or the school's learning mentor, if they have one. They can organise for someone to speak to your child and there might be a particular adult that she will find it easier to speak to. If she doesn't want to speak to anyone, at least you have kept the school informed and they can tell you if they have noticed any recent changes in behaviour.

I wouldn't worry about the neighbour. Obviously trying to help but it can be uncomfortable when other people get involved. I would thank them and explain that you have referred her to the schools learning mentor. That way the neighbour is reassured and knows that their help is not needed.