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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD has made me feel so hurt

116 replies

Motherwell91 · 16/07/2019 23:03

My dd (6) through a massive tantrum at bed tonight... Tears, screams hyperventilating the works. She kept saying she didn't feel safe and no one understand her and that she didn't want to live with us anymore. I have never felt so hurt. I had a hard upbringing with mental and physical abuse. So I've always tried hard to listen to my children and keep as healthy and happy household as possible. She was shouting and screaming so much are neighbour knocked on the door to check everything was okay. I'm mortified by this. She offered to speak to her as heard her state she wanted to speak to someone who understands. Am I overthinking that she needs to go talk to someone or see the gp or is this just a tantrum? She was happy and content until bedtime. I feel like such a bad parent and God knows what the neighbour really thinks. Sorry if this is all over the place I think I just need some advice or a hand hold or something. She is just so emotional and sensitive recently from no where constantly tearing up.

OP posts:
speakout · 17/07/2019 11:30

Is the child asking to speak to someone outside the family?

If so then I would suggest the GP, HV or someone at school.

Who else lives in the house OP?

DodgeRainClouds · 17/07/2019 11:55

My thoughts are that it’s prime time of year for tantrums. So much going on in school for my two at the moment...leavers performance (leaving infants), leavers party, picnics, class party, special end of topic events, knowledge that classes are being mixed up next year.

It’s hot and emotions are running high. I try to take it as a compliment when mine do it (hard though when they are yelling hurtful things!) As they feel safe to let it all out.

I try not to say too much other than, “I understand it’s really hard for you”, “it’s normal to feel like this” (that always encourages mine to start calming down).

flamingjune123 · 17/07/2019 18:08

Are you still here OP?

donquixotedelamancha · 17/07/2019 18:56

Here's a thought. If she actually DIDNT feel safe with you...she probably wouldn't have said anything. Or had a tantrum.

That. Eldest has some emotional difficulties (she's almost 6). She is an angel for everyone else but sometimes a demon for us- because she feels safe to let go with us.

She says occasionally does what you describe. So do lots of other kids. It's lashing out because they are upset. Do seek support if you need it, but don't assume it's a major issue if it's never happened before.

ddl1 · 17/07/2019 19:10

Did she say what made her feel 'unsafe'? I know because of current safeguarding concerns that the word tends to be interpreted in certain ways now, but quite honestly it could quite easily be something like the noises made by the boiler making her think of ghosts, or worrying that the house will go on fire, or something (when I was a similar age, I was at one point preoccupied with the fear that the ceiling might fall in on me!) Or she might have done something she thinks is naughty, and be scared of it coming out. Or -since you say she is seeing a speech therapist - she may be very frustrated that people are literally not understanding what she says when she tries to speak. In any case, I wouldn't jump too readily to treat this either as meaning that somone has abused her, or as a false accusation of abuse. But perhaps talk to her during the daytime, and ask her if anything has happened to upset her.

ddl1 · 17/07/2019 19:16

But it would be a good idea to check on whether anyone who has been in the house might have upset her. Who looked after her when you were at work? Does she have older siblings? Visitors? It doesn't even have to be abuse in the strict sense: maybe someone has been teasing or pressurizing her about her speech, for example.

Original poster
Motherwell91 · 17/07/2019 19:53

Sorry for lack of response I kept dd of school today 1. The lack of sleep from last night but more importantly to get to the bottom of her what was upsetting her. So I've kept off the phone to give full attention.

To answer the question of who loves with us. Me my partner (non bio dad to dd6) but was a friend since before was born and has always been in life. Been together since she was 1. And also dd 2.

She says she can't explain why she said what she said. She told me she is sorry for shouting and being mean. I've told her she can talk to me at any time any when but can also talk to another adult if she finds it easier.

I'm going to keep an eye on her the only other change noticed lately is she is less willing to go to her dad's home.

Thankyou for everyone's reply I'm reading through them all now and appreciate the support and advise given.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherwell91 · 17/07/2019 20:05

Also as many people seem to be concerned who she is left with. When I was working nights she was only ever left with my partner. They get on very well. And I left for work half hour before bedtime. They were only 4 hour shift and I generally call at some point and he texted updates throughout e.g. Kids in bed or just checked on them both asleep.
She has never showed any disliking to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherwell91 · 17/07/2019 20:07

Also my old post about my dd2 she got over the crying about a week after the post. No idea why just all settled down she now generally sleeps through.

OP posts:
flamingjune123 · 17/07/2019 20:24

OK crack on then OP.
Your youngest child only a month ago screams for THREE HOURS when left with your partner. Your 6 Year old daughter is telling you she feels unsafe with Tears, screams hyperventilating
FFS

Original poster
Motherwell91 · 17/07/2019 20:29

Crack on?? Ive spent the whole day spending time with her checking she is okay. Yes my now 2 year old was going through some sleep issues she is now fine. Tonight dd6 has gone to bed no issues no tears nothing.

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 17/07/2019 20:41

I'm going to keep an eye on her the only other change noticed lately is she is less willing to go to her dad's home.

Please get her some counselling with someone that isn't family and understands the issues..

Iggly · 17/07/2019 21:41

I would approach conversations with her in a different way. I never find asking my children directly about worries etc gets me as far as when we have general discussions. Then things pop through that make me realise what is bothering them.

So little things like lying with her at bedtime, just having little chats etc. That’s when things will come out.

urbanlife · 18/07/2019 16:03

Either your partner or your ex I am afraid.

Why is she less willing to go to her father's?
How do you know your partner is a safe person to leave her with? You do know he will not advertise the fact he is not a decent person.

Have you asked your child if she feels safe with your partner? Has he touched her, hurt her, scared her. You need to be all over this. It is not enough to simply say I have known him a long time.

Call it group intuition or whatever you like, but I have a very bad feeling about this thread, and I am worried for both of your children.

I would take a serious look at your domestic set up. Your child is telling you loud and clear she does not feel safe, now you need to know why.

urbanlife · 18/07/2019 16:05

Your youngest child only a month ago screams for THREE HOURS when left with your partner.

They are both telling you in a variety of ways that they are not safe, do not feel safe. Why are you afraid to go to the heart of the problem?

Original poster
Motherwell91 · 18/07/2019 16:40

She is 100%comfortable with partner asks for him to put her to bed. Excited to show certificates from school. Happy to read with him. So I have no doubts there. Her dad is more strict than me she says so I think that is part of it. I've arranged a sleep over at nanny's for this weekend as she is very comfortable with my mum. I've also informed the school who say they have not seen anything to send of alarm bells but will key an eye and arrange a 1 to 1 with her tomorrow to see if anythibg is said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherwell91 · 18/07/2019 16:45

Can I just add aswell the post about my dd crying was last year not this year.

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 18/07/2019 16:45

What about your younger child?

HeadintheiClouds · 18/07/2019 16:46

Oh, x post. Did you post it about it last year or recently? Confused. Why would you wait a year?

Original poster
Motherwell91 · 18/07/2019 16:50

No someone mentioned a previous post about my 2 year old dd crying at night and thought it was last month it was actually June 2018.

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 18/07/2019 16:50

Oh, ok.

Original poster
Motherwell91 · 18/07/2019 16:52

I'm just trying to point out they are not linked to dd1 recent feelings as dd2 is now sleeping fine

OP posts:
Veryveryouting · 18/07/2019 17:03

I'm sorry but just because your DD enjoys spending time with your DP etc. doesn't mean she is not being abused.

Of course it could be nothing but please don't rule it out and say you "have no doubts there".

Did you say she isn't keen on going to her dads? Because that sounds concerning too.

I think she needs to talk to someone professional.

WhatShallIDo19 · 18/07/2019 17:09

@flamingjune123

It’s really not on to go searching for previous posts about the OP in order to try and catch her out.

She’s done nothing wrong so stop being so vile.

And piss off with your Crack on and FFS.

Original poster
Motherwell91 · 18/07/2019 17:18

Thankyou @whatshallido.

OP posts:
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