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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD has made me feel so hurt

116 replies

Motherwell91 · 16/07/2019 23:03

My dd (6) through a massive tantrum at bed tonight... Tears, screams hyperventilating the works. She kept saying she didn't feel safe and no one understand her and that she didn't want to live with us anymore. I have never felt so hurt. I had a hard upbringing with mental and physical abuse. So I've always tried hard to listen to my children and keep as healthy and happy household as possible. She was shouting and screaming so much are neighbour knocked on the door to check everything was okay. I'm mortified by this. She offered to speak to her as heard her state she wanted to speak to someone who understands. Am I overthinking that she needs to go talk to someone or see the gp or is this just a tantrum? She was happy and content until bedtime. I feel like such a bad parent and God knows what the neighbour really thinks. Sorry if this is all over the place I think I just need some advice or a hand hold or something. She is just so emotional and sensitive recently from no where constantly tearing up.

OP posts:
Incywincybitofa · 17/07/2019 00:10

There's a lot of change coming up and that can be unsettling which she has voiced as saying she doesn't feel safe.
No school for weeks and weeks
Going into a new class possibly with a teacher she doesn't yet feel comfortable with, and the emphasis being on how much bigger/grown up they are but they don't always feel that much bigger and grown up.
Globally 7 is an age of transition,change, enlightenment, wisdom maturity and psychological changes happen at that age if she's approaching 7 some of that is probably kicking in.
Uncertainty about the permanence of your new work pattern will probably be niggling consciously or not.
The weather!
And then dont take this badly because you meant well but your 1:1 talks may well be making her feel like there is something unsafe out there that she needs to be looking out for
You are her emotional barometer and if you are anxious she will be picking up on that.
I'd start by planning some relaxing activities with her.
Show her there is purpose to the holidays
Maybe arrange a few play meet ups
See how the summer goes, my anxious ds takes a couple of weeks to settle into the holidays
Keep it calm and relaxed.
See how the first half of next term goes

Your neighbour enquired because she cared about the change and the phrases.
It may well mean she was worried but talk to her.

chzarind · 17/07/2019 00:13

Who else do you live with? Why does she not feel safe?

slithytove · 17/07/2019 00:30

Try some mindfulness with her, when she is calm offer to find her someone to talk to, stay calm yourself and reassure her you love her and are listening

slithytove · 17/07/2019 00:33

Maybe things like

I’m sorry you don’t feel safe, however I will always keep you safe. Can you tell me why you don’t feel safe?

I will do my best to understand if you want to try and tell me, and I will find you someone to talk to as soon as we are up tomorrow.

I’m sorry you don’t want to live with us anymore, that must be a difficult thing to feel. This will always be your home and I want to live with you no matter what.

Would you like to do some colouring while we talk (great for calming down)

Try and ground her with the 5,4,3,2,1 method

BrendasUmbrella · 17/07/2019 00:35

When you have your talks with her, do you mention feeling safe and feeling understood? because she may just be parroting it back while she's upset.

Durgasarrow · 17/07/2019 00:52

Pace yourself, Mama--it's going to get worse! There's no use thinking you are a bad mother when children get like this. They can be unhappy AND you can be an excellent mother. That is because life is full of imperfections. Not only are their lives going to be imperfect because other people (including you) are imperfect (WHICH IS FINE), but THEY are imperfect. All of us suffer because of the imperfections of our own natures. This is one of the hardest lessons that we have to learn as parents. That we can't protect our children from the pains of being themselves in an imperfect world. But life is still a beautiful thing.

Pikapikachooo · 17/07/2019 07:02

My 11 year old frequently has meltdowns like this . And he is unhappy . It’s sadly become the norm . I am robustly tackling the issues he has . But bed time is THE time
As exhausting as it is I lie with them and get them to talk it out Flowers

So could be tiredness aggravating an upset

Try to get her to talk

Pikapikachooo · 17/07/2019 07:03

Durgasarrow

That’s so true and wise

YouJustDoYou · 17/07/2019 07:10

Since they started giving talks about safety and feelings etc at my ds's school he's been throwing things into his tantrums like "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME! NO ONE IS HEARING MY FEELINGS!" (You're still not having haribo for breakfast). He also likes to include "No one in this family loves me! I feel so unwanted!" (You're still not having a baby brother bred for you). Etc. At the end of every term it seems most of the kids are starting to get really fractious like this.

EleanorReally · 17/07/2019 07:13

It is nearly the end of term isnt it?
over tired I should imagine.
make time to relax, do nothing, no expectations.

AndBreatheJustBreathe · 17/07/2019 07:16

I wouldn’t have liked the interference from the neighbour at all. Ask if all is ok, sure. But suggesting they speak to the child is a bit much is it not?!

combatbarbie · 17/07/2019 07:18

Can i ask what she watches? My youngest Dd7 has done as you have explained for a while and tantrums with wording such as noone loves me, i would be better off in a home, noone would notice if i wasn't here... Trust me my DD is very loved and secure etc but sometimes when she doesn't get to stay out playing or stay up late we get this....

I found her watching a series on my DD12s netflix acct of a kids show of teens in a care home, its harmless enough for my teen to watch but can see how a 6/7yr old would perceive it.

Iggly · 17/07/2019 07:19

I think you’re over thinking this a bit and making it more about you than needs be.

She sounds massively tired and over emotional. She’s so young, and nowhere near mature enough to fully express her feelings.

adaline · 17/07/2019 07:24

I would imagine she's tired, hot and fed up with school and in need of the summer holidays

Everything seems worse when you're tired and hot - as an adult you can normally rationalise your feelings but at 6yo she'll just be feeling exhausted and overwhelmed with everything.

I would try not to worry. School breaks up soon - I'm sure she'll feel much better after plenty of sleep, rest, play and fresh air.

DocusDiplo · 17/07/2019 07:28

I'd keep an eye on this. Talking about hating parents, wishing you were dead is what I would class as "normal" but not feeling safe seems a bit more worrying to me. I would tell the school as they sometimes have on site counsellors or helpers and my daughter really benefitted from this as me and my ex went through a divorce and was hearing voices Sad. All ok now though.

Don't worry about not being a good parent though, you are her only mother and she knows you love her. Have a good day together.

urbanlife · 17/07/2019 07:38

It is the end of term, meltdowns in my experience are completely normal. They are over tired, over stretched and exhausted.

This is no reflection on you and your parenting. As she gets older she is likely to say one or two other hurtful things, and you really must learn not to take it personally.

She is overwhelmed by everything or nothing. Consider giving her the day off if she still has a few weeks to go before finishing school.

Take time to talk to her when she is not so tired, and ask her how things are going and if there is anything upsetting her.

When you have a moment, knock on the door of your neighbour and thank her for caring about you all, and explain dd is over tired, so apologies for the noise.

We don't live attached to anyone but god knows what they would make of our nightly dramas at the end of term if they did. I have two dds, and I am well used to this.

Give her a week into the school holidays and dd will be back to her old self I am sure!

urbanlife · 17/07/2019 07:43

PS Op, one thing to remember is that dd feels safe enough to completely lose it with you, and that is something to be celebrated.

She is safe and can be loved even in her darkest wretched meltdown, a screaming meltdown you are still there loving her. Calmly stroke her, reassure her when this happens, and don't take anything to heart. She needs to get it out. Always keep listening carefully in case there is a reason for it, but be rest assured she is almost certainly just over tired.

Singleandproud · 17/07/2019 07:46

Dd was often worried about things and had bad dreams, I bought her a worry monster, a soft toy with a zip up mouth, she could draw her worries and later wrote them and then put them in the monsters mouth to ‘eat’. It worked a treat you just have to remember to check it at night and remove any worries. Then you can read them and see what she’s concerned about.

CrumpetyTea · 17/07/2019 07:46

My DS goes through stages of being like this- very emotional and dramatic - he's 9 now but I think its been happening for a couple of years- its really hard to deal with as it feels heartbreaking ( we get no-one loves me, I have no friends , I spent the whole day on my own , I hate my life etc) . His teacher was fantastic- she was able to reassure me on the practical/reality (he does have friends etc) but she also said that she had dealt with this kind of anxiety in her own child and it seemed to be that some children when tired/rundown would focus unduly on bad things that had happened and these would take undue prominence - she suggested that at the end of the day DS write down 3 good things that had happened to him- this helped as it brought them to the forefront of his mind ( as well as giving me something concrete to talk to)- it does help but I am also very aware of how tiredness plays a role

FingersXssd83 · 17/07/2019 07:52

You're not to blame, definitely isn't a GP issue until this becomes an ongoing problem, but I would be very concerned that your child is feeling 'unsafe'.

You need to tactfully get to the bottom of this, not suggesting any harm is coming to her but she could be being abused or bullied. Suggest speaking with her and taking advice from the NSPCC if needed.

She probably doesn't understand her language, but if my DC said something like that, I would ring huge alarm bells for me.

Yabbers · 17/07/2019 07:57

bene absolute drama queens at one time and another

Way to dismiss their problems.

Jenasaurus · 17/07/2019 08:02

When you had your last job and worked evenings your DDs routine was different. I known it’s a positive change as you are there when she gets in from school but something has changed in her world and maybe she reacted to this. I would also second the responses about the end of term being a factor. Try and keep time free for her to talk to you and she will hopefully tell you her concerns. It could be she just feels angry or sad and doesn’t understand her own emotions.

HeadintheiClouds · 17/07/2019 08:02

Not feeling safe is very concerning language for a 6 year old. Hope you get to the bottom of it, op

drowningincustard · 17/07/2019 08:04

If she's 6 I'm guessing its Year 1 - its been a hell of a busy year for my DD. The amount of learning and absorbing of information has been massive this year.
I can see that mine is overtired - bags under eyes, stroppy attitude, huge levels of teariness. We have been trying to get her to bed earlier but she just lies there tossing and turning and can't sleep anyway.
3 more days till end of term and then a lot of pj days before we get into the swing of the holidays.
Recommend the same, and then you can see if there are more incidents to suggest further investigation but bear in mind it might just be an end of term/long year blow up... x

HavelockVetinari · 17/07/2019 08:07

Ah that sounds hard OP. Flowers

I remember being a similar age and crying that "nobody loves me" - I was very deliberately trying to get attention and cuddles Blush, I was 100% aware that I was very loved and had a wonderful family. I was telling my mum about it as a grown up and she was so relieved - she said at the time she and my dad were horrified that I could feel unloved!

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