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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that MIL crossed a line today and to have told her so.

304 replies

BenWillbondsPants · 16/07/2019 18:49

It's DD's birthday today. MIL rang this morning to say that she would bring her present up today. I asked if she would mind leaving it until later in the week as a) DD is actually away on a residential and not here til Friday and b) I'm not well, feeling shit and wanted to go to back to bed.

She said she wanted to bring it today - I said, again, please can we leave it today. MIL says OK but I can tell not massively happy. She does like things her own way.

I go back to bed and fall asleep , I wake up to 7 missed calls from DH and call him straight back. He's walking out of work to come home as he's worried about me. I'm a bit confused and ask him why he's coming home and he tells he that his mum phoned him to say that she was outside our house and worried about me as she can't get a reply from the doorbell even though 'Ben is expecting me'. DH is worried that something has happened and gives her the code to the key safe so she can come in and check on me.

She then texts him a 'False alarm!' with a smiley face.

I go downstairs to find DDs birthday present sitting neatly on the kitchen table.

Who the fuck does that?

OP posts:
managedmis · 16/07/2019 21:30

I love that fact that your dd isn't even there till Friday

Grin
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 16/07/2019 21:33

Annoying mil = "bitch" and "entitled old bat" on Mumsnet yet again. So offensive.

TheDandyHighwayman · 16/07/2019 21:35

Oh, do fuck off. The woman is absolutely disgusting preying on a cancer survivor just to get her kicks.

The evil old cunt deserves much worse than the names she's been called here.

Barbarafromblackpool · 16/07/2019 21:36

The idea of someone trying to 'catch you out' like that makes me hot with crossness.

Absofrigginlootly · 16/07/2019 21:42

seems obsessed with trying to 'catch me out'. I don't want many people to see me without my headscarf (lost my hair due to chemo) and she keeps actually asking to see me without it. Why would she do that, it's just weird.

Several reasons.

She’s a narcissist.

They always have to be right and in charge so she won’t like the fact you won’t agree to whatever she wants. But more importantly they are emotional vampires who just thrive on drama and vulnerability of others. She would properly enjoy your discomfort and reveal in feeling like she had one up on you (as in she has a head full of hair and you don’t).

Gruzinkerbell1 · 16/07/2019 21:50

Shock I can’t believe she pulled this stunt after everything you’ve been through! What a nasty, manipulative, narcissistic bitch.

I hope you’re feeling better soon FlowersCake

Original poster
BenWillbondsPants · 16/07/2019 21:51

@Absofrigginlootly Not insensitive at all, I completely agree! It's like it gets one over on me or something. I don't get it at all.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/07/2019 21:51

Next this woman is offensive. If the cap fits...

NorthEndGal · 16/07/2019 21:52

I agree she must have had a peak, if only to 'reassure herself you were ok' or some nonsense.
Time for a chain on the door

ThatCurlyGirl · 16/07/2019 21:55

@BenWillbondsPants

Thought so... it's sad in a way that she can't bear to see her son in a healthy happy relationship just because she doesn't understand it!

One of my best guy mates has a very overbearing mum who can be actually pretty catty to his wife at times. Well downright cruel e.g wife had a miscarriage and MIL said oh well I said to everyone you weren't ready anyway. What. A. Can't.

Anyway my friend told me he made the decision when he knew his wife was "the one" that he would always back his wife in the case of any conflict, standing as a team. He said on the rare occasion he thought she got it wrong, he may well pull her up on something afterwards or say he didn't 100% agree but his fierce protectiveness of her reminded me why he's been a great friend for years and years.

You're a team - that's what marriage should be. Good on you both Thanks

ThatCurlyGirl · 16/07/2019 21:55

*What. A. Cunt

(Clearly!)

HelpMeNotRespond · 16/07/2019 21:57

Wow, it gets worse and worse. You have had chemo and she wouldn't be told 'no'.

Normally when I read MIL threads I think oh geez just ignore her, but even before I got to the bit where you said the reason you were going back to bed was chemo related, I thought wow. She is the victim though! right! My own Mum fell out with me because she was letting herself in to my house. I gritted my teeth and did nothing until the day she left some books ON MY BED. I said to her 'why did she go upstairs, in to my room and leave them ON MY BED''. Tried to communicate to her that the kitchen table would, if she had to let herself in, have been more appropriate. Well you'd swear I'd told her she was the devil. She was so wounded. So hurt. Total martyr beast, she rose up to her full height. And I was the bad guy in the family.

LittleTopic · 16/07/2019 22:00

Reading your update about having had chemo makes me feel so much more sorry for your DH who must have been going out of his mind with worry when your MIL called in a ‘panic’.

And for you. What a crazy woman.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 16/07/2019 22:02

I came on here prepared for the frequent MiL bashing that occurs in these parts.

You are so not one of those threads. OP you are magnificent, and I am delighted you have chosen a very sensible husband who gets just how awful his mother is. Good call! 💐

Having unfortunately far too much experience of these people, I would urge you seriously to change the lock as well as the code. Getting a key copied would feel like a win over "stupid" you, and if you don't change it you will never have that total peace of mind.

I wish you and your very sound husband joy and luck for the future. 💕

ThatCurlyGirl · 16/07/2019 22:03

Reading your update about having had chemo makes me feel so much more sorry for your DH who must have been going out of his mind with worry when your MIL called in a ‘panic’.

Agree @LittleTopic he must have been beside himself. What a utterly cuntish thing to do to your own son, even taking lovely OP out of the situation.

Terrible woman and awful thing to do - not MIL bashing at all, if anyone was this big a dick (sister, brother, friend, dad... anyone) I'd say so too.

Lazydaisies · 16/07/2019 22:11

OP my FIL would happily do the same as your MIL. He is utterly batshit and then aghast when constantly people pull him up on it. Good boundaries which it really sounds like you have is literally all you can do. It is sooooooo bloody frustrating but at least being an in law step away allows you detachment.

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 16/07/2019 22:11

Wow- she's quite evil isn't she?

BuggersMuddle · 16/07/2019 22:11

I'm not sure crossed the line cuts it. That implies she might still be in the vicinity of said line, whereas I'd suggest she's gone so before it that MIL and line are now in different continents.

Doesn't sound like she has any respect for either of your boundaries whatsoever. Also it's a strange sort of mother that's willing to cause her own son undue stress and alarm over his wife's health when she's undergoing chemo FFS. That's really not normal OP - pretty damned twisted in fact.

LauderSyme · 16/07/2019 22:18

I agree with the choice language being flung at your MIL. Just wanted to say how refreshing it is to read a thread in AIBU where somebody's boundaries have been overstepped and they have been made to feel distressed and uncomfortable by someone else's bad behaviour - and they have actually womanned up and said something, at the relevant time, to the relevant person. You are an example to us all BenWill!

Best of luck and warmest wishes for your recovery Flowers

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 16/07/2019 22:20

Reading your update about having had chemo makes me feel so much more sorry for your DH who must have been going out of his mind with worry when your MIL called in a ‘panic’

Couldn’t have put it better myself @LittleTopic

@BenWillbondsPants I’d say this was “category 10” crazy. A fucking hurricane of lunacy.

Has she previous form for category 10s or has she just kept it to category 5s and 6s before?

wasnotwasweregood · 16/07/2019 22:22

Bloody hell OP, that's outrageous!

Hope you and your DH are OK, well done for confronting it. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Singlebutmarried · 16/07/2019 22:27

What a c u next Tuesday.

My MIL told my DHs (then DPs) brother and sister I had AIDS. I was in hospital after my bowel exploded and nearly died. We still don’t see eye to eye.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 16/07/2019 22:30

Bloody hell OP. You've been through so much and still she is so pushy!! No wonder you and your husband are upset.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 16/07/2019 22:32

I’ll bet any money that she had decided in her head her plan of getting DD’s present to her according to her OWN schedule when it suited her, without actually factoring you into her plan. So the fact that you’d said you weren’t up to it today scuppered her plan, and she then probably just saw getting the present to DD later on as a nuisance, something which would get in the way of whatever plans She had made.

Thing in, if she had forged a better relationship with you you may have been able to have a discussion like this:

Can I drop DGD’s present off today?
Well I’m not feeling well so I’d rather you didn’t come today actually.
Oh, only This is the only opportunity I’ve got to bring it because of X, Y and Z plans I have already made on the other days. If you tell me the key code I can pop it just inside the front door so I wouldn’t be disturbing you? Do you need a pint of milk bringing or anything?
Yes that’s fine, key code is CXX. I’ll most probably be asleep so i’ll See you next week.

But to do that you have to trust that she wouldn’t do anything beyond what she said she would do, and she woukd need to know you enough that you would hate to be disturbed in the bedroom when you’re ill in bed.

It just sounds like that wasn’t possible, but that’s all her fault. She should have been less of a weirdo all these years!

frankie001 · 16/07/2019 22:41

Can you put the present back into hers next time she isn’t in, and then sent all knowledge?