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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Misdelivered package - aibu to not let Dh return it to right address

276 replies

yarenbaren · 16/07/2019 16:25

Recently my DH decided to work as an independent contractor. He still often works for his previous employer but is paid significantly more. It's worked well for us as it has coincided with the birth of our first child. Although DH has more free time we're still adjusting to the insecurity of our situation (especially as I'm currently on maternity leave).

Dh can be miserly e.g the other day I fancied having lunch by the river as the weather was perfect. DH reminded me of our "financial situation" and suggested we go the following week as "we had already been out plenty" that week. I agreed. I reminded myself we don't know where DH's next role will be and I'd prefer not to dip into our savings (we are planning a significant extension).

Anyway, a package has been delivered today but it was supposed to be sent to an address 4 miles away! Dh says he will drive it over later. Aibu to think DH is being totally hypocritical? I would prefer to let the delivery company deal with it. Why should we spend the petrol money (heavy box)? DH says it's the polite thing to do.

I want to be able to enjoy this time with our first baby and not have to worry about money. Despite earning a good amount DH has made me cut back but will happily throw money now for no reason. I know I am being petty as it's only going to cost us a few pence but it's the principle. Aibu?

(it's mostly national speed limit/winding country roads to the address)

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 16/07/2019 18:12

You talk about cringy, op. You, who apparently posted on another thread that you’d spent £400 on a pot of face cream??

Wonkybanana · 16/07/2019 18:12

his decision to work as a contractor has caused him to be stingy but only when it suits him.

What you actually mean by this is key. If it's the petrol money to deliver the parcel vs a £50 meal out, then YABU.

If 'when it suits him' means that at other times he'll spend £400 on a new gadget but stops you buying a coffee, then YANBU.

Alloftheboys · 16/07/2019 18:13

Give up now OP

MitziK · 16/07/2019 18:13

Even if it cost a pound a mile (which it won't), that's under a tenner.

The cost of a pub lunch (plus travel) is going to be far more than that.

Original poster
yarenbaren · 16/07/2019 18:13

YourSarcasmIsDripping - DH brought up the idea mid-way through my pregnancy. I was hesitant at the time but ultimately supported his decision. In an ideal world Dh would have waited a couple of years or until I start working full-time again.

OP posts:
MrsTommyBanks · 16/07/2019 18:15

YABU.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 16/07/2019 18:17

So he had the chance to make the sensible,secure decision, instead he chose the insecure,contracting job because that's what he wanted. Now he's trying to make up for that by policing your spending. Fuck that.

How is he with his own spendings?

Original poster
yarenbaren · 16/07/2019 18:17

You talk about cringy, op. You, who apparently posted on another thread that you’d spent £400 on a pot of face cream??

How about you get the facts straight before insulting me. In the other thread, I was responding to the OP who asked if expensive skincare is not worth it. All I stated was that I was thought similar until I tried la prairie skin caviar. I did not mention the price.

OP posts:
CalishataFolkart · 16/07/2019 18:17

Is there anything comparable to lunch or takeaway coffee that your husband spends money on for himself? If so then you have a point.

There is compromise to be had in, “Tell you what, we can’t really afford a takeaway coffee but I’ll make you one when we get home.” Or, “We can’t really pay for lunch out this week but let’s make a picnic together and go down the river.”

If it’s just a flat “no” it can be a bit deflating.

MaMisled · 16/07/2019 18:19

Be proud of him op, and glad that he is yours to keep.

Someone drove 2 miles out of their way recently to deliver a wrongly delivered TV. I was so surprised and grateful.

CalishataFolkart · 16/07/2019 18:20

X post with Wonky

miaCara · 16/07/2019 18:24

I wouldnt take the parcel to its intended recipient .Not because Im mean but because its the job of the parcel delivery service to do this in the correct way. There are clearly laid out ways to have the parcel uplifted and redelivered with no cost in time ,money or petrol to you.
However, I dont think your DH is mean. Hes being careful and alert to the fact that your income is more precarious now than it used to be. I cant see that the meal out and the parcel are in any way connected. In the first he was being careful and in the second being misguidedly neighbourly.Both good traits in a father to be I would say.
You probably could do with a budget for meals out etc so that you both know where you stand in future.

Original poster
yarenbaren · 16/07/2019 18:26

Dh will shell out here and there which I have no problem with (shirts, suits etc). But he tends to be stricter when it comes to everyday expenses coffees, eating out etc.

OP posts:
feistymumma · 16/07/2019 18:26

I really think buying coffee is wasteful, it's about £3 a cup!

MissRhubarb · 16/07/2019 18:30

You're not comparing like with like though. A good deed isn't "personal spending" I don't think. If he refused to let you buy a coffee while buying himself a giant cake, or criticised you for spending £400 on face margarine and in the next breath spent £400 on a games console you would have a point.

tolerable · 16/07/2019 18:31

yabu cos you said to "not let"....object,by all means aye,but,not let is..odd

GoBrookeYourself · 16/07/2019 18:33

I’m going to disagree with the majority here and say you’ve been getting some really unnecessarily mean comments. Purchases pre baby and pre financial commitments are not an indication of how spoilt or materialistic you are; we all have things we splurge on whether it’s holidays, skin care, cars, bags, shoes etc. OP had the money to spend at that time, it’s not fair to use it against her now. Can you all honestly say you’ve never made a purchase that someone else would deem ridiculous? Stop being so judgey.

I disagree with you about lunch and agree you should’ve just packed a picnic and gone to the river, you could’ve still done what you wanted to do without spending £50. However, your DH is being UR for a couple of reasons; he can’t go on at you for every penny and then spend time and fuel delivering something for a stranger AND he needs to make sure he’s not accused of keeping the item.

Sorry you’re getting such a blasting on here OP; AIBU can really be an awful place sometimes.

feistymumma · 16/07/2019 18:34

I'm only objecting to the petrol money on principle. We have enough money to splurge here and there. I think it's a bit rich for DH to remind me of his job insecurity when it comes to my spending not his.

Perhaps he still feels aggrieved about the £400 moisturiser who knows...... His spending is for an 8 mile round trip, 8 miles. It will hardly make a dent on anything whereas £50 is a lot. He didn't say no to going out for lunch but no time spending £50. If he had said no to having lunch with you then I would habr agreed that he was bu

Original poster
yarenbaren · 16/07/2019 18:38

Anyway, what did you think of the moisturiser OP?

It really is the best skincare product I have ever used. Before purchasing it my skin was incredibly dry due to flying a lot for work. My skin was the softest it has ever been the very next morning after applying it. It really evens out your skin tone and makes you glow. My makeup looked incredible on top of it.

OP posts:
beethebee · 16/07/2019 18:41

Oh OP,

Moisturizer aside, just accept that YABU in this instance.

Honestly, it sounds like you and your DH have bigger problems than a 50 quid lunch and this wretched parcel. Such different attitudes to finances and spending are really common relationship killers.

I'd be wanting some pretty frank discussion and ground rules if I were you or your DH.

Original poster
yarenbaren · 16/07/2019 18:42

tolerable- I agree I'm not going to physically stop DH. I should have said "to not want" instead of "to not let"

OP posts:
LifeIsGoodish · 16/07/2019 18:44

*Everyone: YABU

OP: NO I'M NOTTTTT*

No, not everyone Hmm

skybluee · 16/07/2019 18:55

Surely the best thing to do is to compromise and yes go out for lunch, but go somewhere cheaper and not spend £50. Choose a cheaper venue and don't have alcoholic drinks. That way you get to spend time in the sun with your family, yet not spend £50.

And I agree with you about the parcel. I wouldn't transport it 4 miles or any amount of distance to a random person.

I would contact the company it's come from and see what they advise. Most likely they will send someone to pick it up. What happens if your husband takes it over and the item is damaged or incomplete etc? I just don't think it's a good idea to do that. The only time I've done it is when it was a letter/magazine and it was a street away.

Ellisandra · 16/07/2019 18:58

Bloody hell you’re getting a hard time OP!

FWIW you’re crackers for spending £400 in any beauty product Wink but that’s by the by.

Taking the parcel is a nice thing to do, and will cost bobbins. But you’ve already said it wasn’t a good cost comparison.

The issue is, as the non earner (?) during maternity leave, you’ve gone from buying what you want to having your spending questioned like a child. No wonder you’re lashing out about pennies on petrol!

Depending on your finances, maybe he was right that £50 on a picnic was too much. If things are REALLY tight, maybe he’s right that coffees out and about are just too much now. But if they were affordable amounts and it’s just that his leisure spending choices don’t match yours, then I’d be pretty pissed off that he is now getting the power of veto because you are on mat leave. That is not joint finances.

SarahSinclair · 16/07/2019 19:00

Wow guys! As much as I think that op is being a bit daft not wanting her husband to take the parcel to the correct address based on the fact it’s in incomparable amount of money to the missed lunch, some of the replies are getting a bit personal now and unfair. What’s going on?? Let’s all just calm the fuck down a bit.