Misdelivered package - aibu to not let Dh return it to right address

[yarenbaren]

Recently my DH decided to work as an independent contractor. He still often works for his previous employer but is paid significantly more. It's worked well for us as it has coincided with the birth of our first child. Although DH has more free time we're still adjusting to the insecurity of our situation (especially as I'm currently on maternity leave).

Dh can be miserly e.g the other day I fancied having lunch by the river as the weather was perfect. DH reminded me of our "financial situation" and suggested we go the following week as "we had already been out plenty" that week. I agreed. I reminded myself we don't know where DH's next role will be and I'd prefer not to dip into our savings (we are planning a significant extension).

Anyway, a package has been delivered today but it was supposed to be sent to an address 4 miles away! Dh says he will drive it over later. Aibu to think DH is being totally hypocritical? I would prefer to let the delivery company deal with it. Why should we spend the petrol money (heavy box)? DH says it's the polite thing to do.

I want to be able to enjoy this time with our first baby and not have to worry about money. Despite earning a good amount DH has made me cut back but will happily throw money now for no reason. I know I am being petty as it's only going to cost us a few pence but it's the principle. Aibu?

(it's mostly national speed limit/winding country roads to the address)

There is a rough weekly figure for meals out etc that we try to stick to. I recognised we had gone over it but honestly an additional £50 as a one-off (more like £40 without drinks) is not going to affect us at all.

But every ‘one off’ adds up.

Not sure you understand budgeting, tbh.

We have saved for meals out/treats post baby so don't appreciate Dh deciding to be overly stingy now he's decided to become a contractor.

If you’d already been out several times that week, how is he being “overly stingy” or “miserly” by pointing out that the week’s ‘treat budget’ had already been spent and
suggesting that you wait until next week for another meal out?

I think people are missing the point- OP is implying (I think) that her DP picks and chooses what he's willing to spend money on and that it isn't always consistent. Yes, the examples she's used may be clumsy- £50 meal vs 70p for fuel- but he's reminding her of their changed financial circumstances at the drop of a hat, yet making snap decisions when he wants to do something. YANBU @yarenbaren- I think you need to be upfront with your other half and stand your ground when it comes to things. If you fancy a meal out and DP objects, go it alone with you and baby. Don't let him call all the shots. Enjoy your time with the baby- the early months (first year) is tough and you need to do what you can to survive.

Ps. The £400 moisturiser is irrelevant. We're all allowed to treat ourselves if we can afford it.

Not sure you understand budgeting, tbh

But she’s got a Masters! That makes dipping into savings to pay for a #makingmemories sunny lunch a very smart choice.

Where did op oh so relevantly tell us she’s got a Masters?! Haha

Yes, the examples she's used may be clumsy- £50 meal vs 70p for fuel- but he's reminding her of their changed financial circumstances at the drop of a hat, yet making snap decisions when he wants to do something.
I wouldn't expect the OP to have to clear £5 spending with her husband.
I don't expect him to have to clear a quid or so on petrol with her. Should he check in with her in every journey he does in the car just to check she agrees with his use of petrol? If she didn't agree then what? The fact he called in at Asda on the way home from an approved drive means the OP can have another out of budget treat to the tune of £50 because other wise he is 'picking and choosing'.

Don't let him call all the shots. Enjoy your time with the baby- the early months (first year) is tough and you need to do what you can to survive.
Please, nobody who has already spent the week's going out budget needs to spend another £50 on another meal out.

Let's not get into hyperbole here. The OP doesn't need to splash the cash to survive her maternity leave.

Honestly though, I have a summer baby, we had a situation that somewhat mirrors yours. We didn't think anything was needed money wise, as family memories were made at my Grandmothers.

We had savings, we could have done what you did, I fell gravely ill and two incomes gone, so much so that those savings meant a roof over our heads and food on the table.

Are the memories any worse as my family weren't at somewhere you had to pay, of course not.

Your husband has reason to limit such luxuries, as you never know when your luck might change.

“Figure” - you mean “budget”
“My baby” - you mean “our baby”

Your husband has just become a father. Do you know what that means for him, how much pressure & responsibility he feels as the new father to protect you guys no matter what comes ? We see so many dads who don’t care, here is one doing what sounds like a stellar job here & he is written off as “miserly”. If he was a miser how come you had already gone out & spent over budget that week on entertainment already? Is it that hard to wait till next week for something? You are a mother now, do you know how immature you sound right now?

All the OP cares for is having buggies commercial type moments napping in the sun with baby, relaxed meals out with friends...no money worries... you don’t even know if your baby may have an undiagnosed special need, or maybe your husband drops dead or you do! Or get hit by a car & disabled... or maybe your kid will want to go to University & you will want to help one day. You must plan for a rainy day while it’s summer now. You have a masters yet somehow need explaining for this basic adulting.

Have you thought what $50 per week in a trust will equal when your son is 18?

This is not a realistic vision of motherhood at all. I foresee a blowout fight over money in the future. Money is a big stressor in marriages & people who view money differently & can’t agree as a team on finances do split up over it. Ask any divorce lawyer or relationship counsellor!

You sound like my mother - spends money like it grows on trees, always taught her kids they would never struggle for money “because we’re prawnswords!”

Guess who still asks mummy for money into her 30s & had to learn the hard way to budget? I asked her once why she didn’t teach us how to save & budget. She said she assumed I’d have been married by now & it would be my husband’s problem lol

This is you OP - what kind of parent do you want to me? Silly spendthrift mummy or smart responsible mummy ?

Enjoy this summer because once reality of motherhood sets in this may well be your best one ever.

@prawnsword You took the words out of my mouth!

I think the parcel should be returned. Why? It's a nice thing to do and the recipient will be happy. If the situation was reversed, I'm sure the OP would be pleased to receive a mid-posted parcel. It's nice to be nice. Shimples. I've only Dipped into the thread re: £400 for some cream or other, which seems to be held up as a mirror vs the issue of spending £50 on lunch when money is tight. Overall, the priorities seem to be out of kilter. It won't take DH long to deliver the parcel - ten mins tops there and back and it's a good life lesson for the child to know that doing good turns is to be encouraged. So, on balance the OP seems to be a bit unreasonable but maybe there is more to it.

I’m interested to know what brand of face cream the OP now uses, because the La Prairie was supposedly a once-off purchase.

We can only hope money is never an issue for the OP & her miserly husband cruelly forces her to use Olay or some shite

OP you sound very unhappy and I really don’t think your problem is this package.

‘We an afford £50’ - 🤔 well it sounds like your DH disagrees. I would suggest having a very clear and honest conversation about the way you’re feeling post baby and about your relationship - rather than taking it out on the poor people who (through no fault of their own) are missing their package.

You’re basically just stamping your feet and not wanting to do the decent thing because your DH annoyed you by not wanting to do what you wanted to do.

You sound painful

YABU. And your husband sounds like a lovely guy.

What @Bluntness100 said at 18:53:31 and then both of @PCohle's posts.

Whether we go with your original description of not knowing what work will come in and being cautious of overspending, or your later one of 'we have enough money that an extra £50 on yet another lunch out doesn't really dent our budget', then the few pence it will cost for your husband to drive 4 miles and back really is such a miniscule amount, your whole argument is ridiculous.

So you did want to go over what you budgeted for this week.

So again we are back to you can either afford to do as you please and spend what you want in mat leave OR have the extension.

You have spent what was budgeted and planned. You said you budgeted for both. To do both, the need to stick to the budget.

You want the extension......and the unlimited spending on mat leave. You cant do that. And your dh, you said became a contractor unexpectedly but is earning more. So you wouldnt have been able to go over budget if he was employed but had less money coming in.

Going £50 over budget, isnt a little bit. It's certainly not a pound. You go over by £50 every week and it adds up. Especially when you add in you 'often want coffees while out'

I hope you take it in a little bit that your DH is thinking, having the best summer ever, yes, although spending at every opportunity can't be an option. Your son is a blessing, you're going to have a nightmare on your hands, if DS gets the same outlook as you. That money is needed for happiness.

Most people, as it's been said, are always a pay cheque or two away from being homeless.

What if there is a time when no money is coming, especially depending on how long you're on maternity leave.

When I first got pregnant there were no perceived worries, it was going to be amazing. Then I got really ill, even with family help the care I needed plus DC needed looking after, so two incomes gone in a click of a finger. Never used the benefits system before, so DH couldn't get Income Support as he didn't get carers allowance, he also couldn't get Job Seekers Allowance as he wasn't able to work. The staff were really supportive, To get everything sorted took several months.

Our hefty savings dwindled down. At times there was concern if everything could go out bill wise. That was sticking to a strict budget for food shopping, being the first of their generation in both families, DC had most clothes sorted by family's& close friends.

Most people call their savings their 'rainy day fund' for a reason.

One last thing, I'm sure your DH would have loved dinner by the river, he also understood that you'd be out prior, it'd be better next week or another time. You need to organise a budget and split it into subsections. Once you've blown a part of said budget, it makes sense even if DH wasn't a contractor, I'm sure he'd be the same, wanting to protect his family.

You really need to have an honest discussion, otherwise resentment will build. You really need to be on the same page when it comes to financial affairs, just like you would have before conceiving DS.

We rarely eat out. My husband is the only one working. He saves some money to one side for emergencies e.g. car repairs, fence needs fixing and school uniforms. Maybe you can suggest going out for walks or a drink instead of eating out.

I get an overall sense of a lack in respect for the husband generally. From the way the OP puts it, all the poor schmuck is good for is his salary & seed! After having been out several times then being labelled a lousy miser for wanting to stick to the agreed budget, I imagine he feels like he now has 2 children.

Life changes a lot after kids. The OP is in la la land & unless the husband is a complete pushover this will surely end in a tantrum or sulk from OP & husband is gonna snap at this immaturity or start posting his own problems on some fathers forum! There is zero chance there won’t be a fight or several over this finance issue.

Some people are like this though. They live for the moment and want to spend their money enjoying themselves as and when thy please,.thry aren't interested in financial stability and long term planning when it really comes down to it and they see the reality of it
They want instant gratification.

The op freely admits she was already over her spend budget for thr week without this additional meal, and she still wanted more.

This summer it's the best summer of her life. At Xmas it will be his first Xmas so she needs to spend to make it magical, next summer it will be his first birthday, needs to spend to make his birthday spectacular. The following summer she will feel guilty for working and it will be thr first summer he is fully aware. It will go on and on.

There will always be an excuse. A reason. She needs to spend spend spend, because she wants to live for the moment.

You seem trapped in a cycle of needing to spend? Wonderful summer with a baby could cost next to nothing. And a morebfrugal lifestyle could mean you could work less in the future and spend more time with your son rather than feeling this is the only summer you will have with him

There is a rough weekly figure for meals out etc that we try to stick to. I recognised we had gone over it but honestly an additional £50 as a one-off (more like £40 without drinks) is not going to affect us at all.

So your husband saying no to the pub lunch wasn't just based on his vague subjective feeling that the two of you had spent rather a lot already this week and he was uncomfortable with spending more. Your family has an actual budget for treats and had already gone over budget, and you wanted to spend a significant additional amount just because you felt like it?

That isn't how budgeting works. You can easily get into significant financial difficulties if you think it's okay to go over budget on whim. If you don't stick to your budget (barring really rare one-off occasions), you might as well not even have a budget. If you think the amount of the budget for going out is wrong, then discuss that with your husband and agree a new figure for it, which will require cutting back elsewhere. But don't just ignore your financial plan. All those £50 lunches add up.

For most families, the arrival of children represents a big change to their financial circumstances. It doesn't seem like you really accept this.

You're getting a hard time op. You've worked hard and saved up to enjoy your maternity but unfortunately you've posted on Mumsnet where a chicken must last a week.

@cryer she has saved up and budgeted to enjoy her mat leave AND have an extension.

Except she has gone over budget already this week. She hasnt saved enough to spend as she wished and still have the extension.

That's the issue.

This summer it's the best summer of her life. At Xmas it will be his first Xmas so she needs to spend to make it magical, next summer it will be his first birthday, needs to spend to make his birthday spectacular. The following summer she will feel guilty for working and it will be thr first summer he is fully aware. It will go on and on.

There will always be an excuse. A reason. She needs to spend spend spend, because she wants to live for the moment.
This is too true.

cryer
This isn't making a chicken feed a family of 20 for a month.
This is a couple drawing up a budget that already includes eating out and treats and the OP is throwing a strop because she can't spend another £50 on eating out because they've already spent that week's budget and trying to present her husband as some tight arse who wants to ruin her maternity by counting every penny when she wants to spend her way to a memorable summer.