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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Misdelivered package - aibu to not let Dh return it to right address

276 replies

yarenbaren · 16/07/2019 16:25

Recently my DH decided to work as an independent contractor. He still often works for his previous employer but is paid significantly more. It's worked well for us as it has coincided with the birth of our first child. Although DH has more free time we're still adjusting to the insecurity of our situation (especially as I'm currently on maternity leave).

Dh can be miserly e.g the other day I fancied having lunch by the river as the weather was perfect. DH reminded me of our "financial situation" and suggested we go the following week as "we had already been out plenty" that week. I agreed. I reminded myself we don't know where DH's next role will be and I'd prefer not to dip into our savings (we are planning a significant extension).

Anyway, a package has been delivered today but it was supposed to be sent to an address 4 miles away! Dh says he will drive it over later. Aibu to think DH is being totally hypocritical? I would prefer to let the delivery company deal with it. Why should we spend the petrol money (heavy box)? DH says it's the polite thing to do.

I want to be able to enjoy this time with our first baby and not have to worry about money. Despite earning a good amount DH has made me cut back but will happily throw money now for no reason. I know I am being petty as it's only going to cost us a few pence but it's the principle. Aibu?

(it's mostly national speed limit/winding country roads to the address)

OP posts:
MyFavouritePlace · 16/07/2019 19:02

I'm also going against the grain, the lunch thing would piss me off as it comes across as frugal on his terms.
I don't understand why he would want to deliver a parcel a few miles away. It's illogical to me.
Bringing up the moisturiser is completely irrelevant, good for you. Don't get all the faux shock and horror.
Might be in a very small minority but I don't think YABU.

overnightangel · 16/07/2019 19:10

“Your husband is right to count every penny and he's right to deliver the package. It's four miles, ffs”

Nailed it

PetrichorRain · 16/07/2019 19:16

How can you say that? You don't know a thing about how I prioritise my finances.

If you’re willing to spend £400 on a pot of facecream, I know enough to say you’re used to spending excessively. I mean, serious. If you can’t see that £400 on facecream is a sign of excessive spending, you really need to check your privilege.

Hecateh · 16/07/2019 19:17

Regardless of being tight or not I would contact the courier and get them to pick it up and redeliver.

If you take it and there is no-one in then it either has to be left where it can be nicked or brought back to deliver again. Lots of couriers now photograph where the parcel was left. If it is taken to the correct address and they then say they don't have it, it could well get tracked back to you

CheesyWeez · 16/07/2019 19:20

My DH also went contracting at one time in his career. He also went a bit bonkers about money. On the one hand he thought he was now rolling in money, on the other he wouldn't take a day off as he saw it as "losing" the money he was now earning at a daily rate. He burned himself out and was totally exhausted. He worried about what would happen if he was ill and not able to earn, or if the company let him go and he might take too long to get a new job. When he got a normal salaried job again he went back to normal.
When there's a change in someone's income they do spend a while being careful while they work out if they can still afford things.
I found it annoying too OP.
He can take the parcel to the address and take baby, you can have half an hour to yourself. win-win

RubberTreePlant · 16/07/2019 19:23

Wow, this is quite the pile on.

PP who suggested a fixed leisure budget was sensible.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/07/2019 19:27

It seems like he is correct in restricting spending on unnecessary items given the above mentioned spending habits. Four miles to take a parcel is hardly anything and is hardly comparable.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 16/07/2019 19:36

If you’re willing to spend £400 on a pot of facecream, I know enough to say you’re used to spending excessively.

Depending on her earnings(high income vs low or no income) or where the money came from(for example birthday money/vouchers) it might not be excessive as a one off. A lot of people spend similar amounts on shoes,bags ,coats etc. I don't get that either,but to each their own.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 16/07/2019 20:01

What stuck out for me was the bit where he said you've already been out a lot this week.

Have you already been out this week already? Eaten out/cafe/pub/cinema etc? If so it seems totally reasonable for him to suggest you spread the spending into next week?

The package thing isn't a financial issue so yes YABU.

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2019 20:11

You do understand you're objecting to him spending fifty pence, right? And somewhaere deep down you get why that's ludicrous and petty? You do get that right?

You get why that makes you seem like a Greedy child? You do get it right? All because he said you'd been out enough this week and you didn't get your lunch? So now you're objecting to him spending fifty pence?

Seriously though, I couldn't be married to someone like you, he's a better person than me. By far.

redcarbluecar · 16/07/2019 20:14

The petrol money will be negligible so I wouldn’t be bothered about that. However I would take the parcel to the post office and RTS.

Scratchyfluffface · 16/07/2019 20:17

You are being absolutely ridiculous

hellodarkness · 16/07/2019 20:24

Tbh it's pretty unbelievable that you're complaining about him op.

'My bastard dh is too fucking kind. He wants to do an 8 mile round trip to help out a complete stranger. What a twat.'

Bloody hell. Give him a cuddle. He's a keeper.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 16/07/2019 20:28

I’d ensure he gets a record or photo or signature or any form of proof that he dropped the parcel round if he does it - but equally I’d only drop it round if it was convenient to me.

Separately, can you not just agree a budget which you can blow on coffees, creams or lunches as you see fit which also reassures him that it’s not reckless spending?

PriestessModwena · 16/07/2019 20:33

A 'following of people' does not have to be Instagram. It could be any given social media or any given social circle.

Easiest thing, get a budget sorted on what you either jointly or individually spend on luxuries, (weekly/fortnightly/monthly) to dine out is a luxury for most btw. Then all arguments sorted. If jointly, set a spending limit on where both parties have to agree.

When you're having coffees, remember you can't have the cake and eat it.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 16/07/2019 20:34

Why is everyone ignoring the fact that he CHOSE to give up his secure job when OP was pregnant, and now he's suddenly all Mr. Sensible and let's watch the pennies?

HollowTalk · 16/07/2019 20:38

If he takes it to them, he has no proof he's delivered it. Contact the company and ask them to pick it up.

I remember going through my bank statements when my kids were little and working out just how much we spent on eating out. While it was a luxury - no shopping, cleaning up - actually it was usually a waste of money. £50 on a lunch is ridiculous, frankly.

hellodarkness · 16/07/2019 23:42

"Why is everyone ignoring the fact that he CHOSE to give up his secure job when OP was pregnant, and now he's suddenly all Mr. Sensible and let's watch the pennies?"

Because op was supportive of the decision and says in her op that "it's worked well for us" and "he is paid significantly more."

It doesn't sound like a wrong decision as such. It's just early days for a new business and the money isn't as consistent as it was, especially as op is on smp.

He said let's eat out next week instead, because they'd already eaten out a lot that particular week. Not that they'd be living on baked beans for the foreseeable.

Dieu · 17/07/2019 00:18

YABU.

NoSquirrels · 17/07/2019 00:33

I know the car journey and a pub lunch are not comparable but it's the principle.

On this particular issue you are being petty, as you recognise. The question is, why?

You feel controlled on maternity leave, is that it? That because you're not earning at the moment all decisions need to be "approved" by your DP?

It is a big adjustment.

Fwiw, my DH hates it when I say we shouldn't go out for lunch, or spend £15 on coffee and cake for us and the DC, because we "can't afford it". The reality is we can afford it - in the same way you say your DP and you can afford to splurge sometimes - but if we spend those £50 lunches here and £15 coffees there every weekend then we can't afford other stuff that is more valuable and worthwhile, like save for something or make sure we're not short on the car insurance renewal the next month or whatever it is. He does see the point, but he resents it because everyone prefers to go out for lunch and not worry about money all the time.

IceCreamSoda99 · 17/07/2019 07:01

To be honest going out and buying a picnic from M&S or prepping it at home, transporting it all in a cooler, finding somewhere nice to sit along the river, all with a young baby sounds a heck of an effort! I can totally understand the appeal of a pub lunch where everything in brought to you and you can sit under and umbrella at a table and just relax! However I think you need to keep in perspective OP that he said you can afford it just not this week, I'd compromise with him. Also keep in mind if you are planning to go back after maternity leave you will have the disposable income again to treat yourself more regularly Smile as for the courier remind him it is best to call and let courier sort out from a legal standpoint but I wouldn't compare it to him saying no to coffees out etc. It's not the hill to die on! I worry about money too but am a bit of a spendthrift, I hate when my husband says we can't afford things as it brings up a lot on anxiety and insecurity for me but I do recognize it as an issue, not saying you have this but might be worth investigating what is going on beneath the surface feelings!

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 17/07/2019 07:15

You are only objecting to be petty. Not out of principle. Because its 2 different situations.

Your husband suggested lunch next week because you have already done a lot this week. So you have already spent plenty this week, also want and extension and wanted to go out again. He didnt say tou cant ever go out for lunch just that he felt enough had been spent that week, so another £50 is alot.

50p is not alot on what you have already spent this week.

It sounds like you are annoyed at having spending curbed and he is doing something for someone else.

Unfortunately you arent in a position where you can go out plenty and whenever you fancy it and have an extension. Spending 50p is totally different.

HariboLectar · 17/07/2019 07:22

Your husband sounds like a decent human being (unless I've missed a drip feed, I've not read the whole thread). If my parcel was delivered to the wrong house I would be so grateful if it was brought to me.

Purplejay · 17/07/2019 07:23

Yabu

Have a nice picnic. Don’t make a fuss about him taking the parcel. Your DH sounds lovely and sensible not miserly.

Not that you should stop him anyway, him being a grown up and all.

How did you end up with a large parcel anyway that wasn’t for you. Didn’t you have to sign for it?

Pizzacasserole · 17/07/2019 07:24

I can see where you’re coming from op
You work hard and have created financial stability so that you can enjoy your maternity leave.
Your dh has decided to freelance putting you in an insure financial position when you’re on maternity leave and want to enjoy the time without having to worry about whether he will get work and as a result paid next week.
You wanted to enjoy the day but because your DH has made this decision he’s put you both in a position where you can’t make spontaneous decisions because you’re penny counting because of his change in work yet if he wants to spend the money it’s affordable.
It’s irrelevant how you spent your money before you had your dc as you were both in permanent jobs with different financial responsibilities and pressures then.
This situation is going to lead to resentment long term, you need to discuss with your dh what his plans are long term as his plan to freelance knowing you’re a steady wage earner only works if you’re both happy with it.