...to want to lose my shit at the situation?

[stilldontgiveaf]

I'll try and keep this as easy to read as possible to avoid any drip feeding...

18 weeks pregnant. Was seeing a guy for a short time and fell pregnant. He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out. I tried contacting him to tell him I was pregnant and he was reading my messages but ignored it for a couple of weeks, so I decided to contact his sister. She responded instantly and was nice but also in shock. The baby's dad then called me, acted "shocked" and said he didn't get my messages. That was a lie because he read every single one. The contact stopped again after a few days of him ramming the idea of a termination down my throat. (That was not an option for me. I'd had one before whilst in a DV relationship and there's a lot of history to that)

His sister then said he'd told his family there was no way the baby could be his and his family said they want a DNA test (fine with me...)

He then said there was going to be no test. He said he can't have his family find out the truth, he wasn't ready, his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc. I told him I'd put in a claim for CSA and a DNA will be done that way and the truth will come out. He obviously went mad at this and said I was doing it for his money.

Fast forward a few weeks and he says he wants to be involved but doesn't want his family to know yet and wants it to be in his own time that they find out. I get a text from him one day saying he has to send me a message that his dad has made him do stating I'm not to contact any of them until I can prove they are related. But he wants to remain in some form of contact behind their back. At this point, all I want is for him to see his child and stupidly agree to it.

I meet him in person, we talk things through. His dad calls while I'm with him and he lies about where he is. (He doesn't sound like a very nice man after the way I heard him speak to him), so I agree to keep things secret. He's freaking out about the whole situation and I try and reassure him that things will be ok. He told me a girl had been contacting him for a few weeks but he "wasn't entertaining it".

Fast forward a month to now, and I find out this morning he's now in a relationship. He hasn't told her anything. He's meant to be coming to the scan with me in two weeks and now I've got to breaking point. He said he'd tell her in his own time.

I'm so angry, I know how stupid I've been in believing everything and I don't know what to do about it. He initially tried to lie and say he wasn't in a relationship, then says he hasn't told her anything. I can't cope with this situation anymore. How can he get into a relationship with her under false pretences, not tell her anything and expect to just dump it on her months later when she's fully invested in him?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to lose my shit? I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've come out the fog and seen how manipulative he really is. I'm such a twat.

I have been in a very similar situation as you are in now when I was a teenager. You need to realise that you are a single parent, that means no support physically, mentally or financially from the dad regardless of what he says! He may completely change once the baby is born but if he's anything like my DDs dad he won't and will continuously change his mind whether he wants to be involved or not. My DDs dad has had little to no contact in 11 years and his family have had no contact - I don't know if they knew she existed for the first few years. And too be honest it's more drama when he wants to be involved than when he doesn't!
My advice is if you want to keep this baby please don't rely on him in any way as he seems the type not to be there at all and his family don't seem great either. His relationship status is nothing to do with you as you're not together. I would wait until the baby is born and then reach out to him or his family members if you want a DNA test but for now I wouldn't contact him but I would keep the door open for him to be involved if he wants to. Sorry if this sounds harsh I am just trying to save you the same stress as I went through.

I know for sure that this is my irrational side taking over right now.

I need to allow myself a day or two to get this out my system and start to think logically.

I will distance myself and start no contact. Just have to be strong about it and not cave to any temptations of wanting to speak to him.

If he wants to find me and see when the baby is born I guess that's down to him.

I can't do this whole chasing thing any longer. It's childish, I know.

Just get off the thread jelly. You’re attacking the op with every post, even your “apology”.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Have you seen Teen Mom? You are Chelsea. He is Adam.

I wouldn't be surprised if he makes other poor life decisions in the future like going deep in to drug addiction, usually men who do not want to take responsibility for the children also fall in to this category from what I have seen. They do not make good life choices.

I hope things get better for you, but you need to be prepared for him choosing not to work to spite you and being vile/saying horrible things/ghosting. Be mentally ready to completely go this alone. Don't lose your shit otherwise you will give him and his family ammunition to attack you by trying to say you're unstable or something. Make yourself very cold and assume everything he says is a lie.

I wouldn't be surprised if he makes other poor life decisions in the future like going deep in to drug addiction, usually men who do not want to take responsibility for the children also fall in to this category from what I have seen. They do not make good life choices.

Bingo.

@PurpleDaisies the apology wasn't even to me...

Allowing a child to suffer???

Wind your neck in that's bullshit. Plenty of kids live happy lives despite having a dickhead for a dad

Oh back off, it’s reality for many unfortunately. Op needs to realise that there is no easy way out here and that for her child to come first and not suffer at the hands of this situation she really needs to clue herself up.

Tbh op if you really want this baby you need to get some legal advice. If there is something he can sign for him and his family to never be involved or want to be involved you couldn’t do any better at protecting your child.

Jellybeansincognito I'm sorry that you're not having a great day

I have 4 dc who's dad doesn't see them at all, moved in with a woman and he parents her kids instead. Absolutely dysfunctional idiot that he is. My kids have me, and we have a pretty good life, they get upset about him every now and then and we work through it, but it certainly isn't a defining thing in our family at all. Just because the child's dad is a waste of space, it doesn't mean the child will be miserable.

Ok.

Do not contact him again. Let the CSA do that.
Start preparing to raise this child alone.
Get a contraceptive implant.

Tbh op if you really want this baby you need to get some legal advice. If there is something he can sign for him and his family to never be involved or want to be involved you couldn’t do any better at protecting your child.

I will be corrected if I'm wrong but I don't think that has any legal authority in the UK (where I am assuming that the OP is?).

For those who have suggested I'm not clued up on rights, just want to clarify I am.

This thread was more about me venting. I know over time I will see things rationally.

I'm aware that if he is on the BC he has 50% rights.

I'm aware that grandparents also have rights and can apply for visitations via a contact order through the courts

I'm aware that if he wishes to be involved he can apply for a declaration of parentage vis the courts to which he can supply his dna and be put on the BC.

I think I'll just not claim CSA to avoid anymore potential drama. If he wants contact, it'll have to be him doing it. Not me pushing it on him. Time for me to let it go.

You are bound to have a million different thoughts right now because you are in such a stressful situation but just try not to make him cause you any more stress. Take time for yourself and make a plan for the future, where you will live, work etc. And just enjoy being pregnant and having a baby and if he wants contact in the future you can sort it out at the time.

Perhaps fade away from him, make sure the baby has your surname and leave it at that.

only know this because he was freaking out about a bailiff warrant and shitting himself that his dad would get to his post first

Although his dad may be abusive, perhaps it's a lie or his father is simply sick of him (hence the tone you heard) and not abusive. Perhaps his father is sick of if him being irresponsible? He has a bailiff warrant at his parents house! Who wants that and is it a regular occurrence? In any case, it's way more drama than you need at the moment from him or his family, perhaps review it in months/years to come but for now your baby and your own health come first.

@Poppi89 thank you. Amongst my irrational rants, I've been sorting things my end. I have my own place, I work for myself and everything is in order for me to be a single parent. I know that I don't need this person really. I think it was more of a principle thing for me.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult And that’s fine, of course it is. It’s the fact that this mans dad sounds abusive, and the fact is op can’t do anything to protect her child from that. Especially with her wanting to get maintenance and paternity testing.

It’s not an ideal situation, it’s the truth- I’m not trying to be nasty about it. Op is in this situation and has choices, people often go into these situations and think they have control when the truth is, they don’t.

OP,

You need to ask yourself the following:

'Is the tiny amount of money I might get worth dealing with this muppet and his family for the rest of my life?'

My gut feeling would be 'hell, no!'

^ This! I would go NC and have nothing more to do with any of them. It's better for your stress levels and mental health and money can't buy any of those.

If there is something he can sign for him and his family to never be involved or want to be involved you couldn’t do any better at protecting your child

He can't sign away rights he doesn't have.
OP can have zero contact and if he reaches out she can tell him to go through courts. I can't see him bothering
Why are you catastrophising this?

For someone that has told you constant lies throughout your relationship and pregnancy I would certainly take what he says about his dad with a huge pinch of salt.
Perhaps his dad opens his post because he has run up debts and not paid them and they’ve had bailiffs banging on their front door. Perhaps his dad has had enough of his lying, immature son and putting up with his shit.
Perhaps not, but I wouldn’t believe a word this “man” says and from now on just focus on your baby and yourself. If he wants to be involved let him do the leg work don’t chase after him.

@ImABeanBanana

Although his dad may be abusive, perhaps it's a lie or his father is simply sick of him (hence the tone you heard) and not abusive

That though has crossed my mind too recently.

Although in my previous post I said about not allowing unsupervised contact. I meant that in the sense of that's not something that would happen instantly.

If it turns out the family pop up after birth, things will have to be taken a day at a time. Plus it's not ideal that a newborn goes without their mother for long periods of time.

Good for you, OP. Like I said up thread - you seem to be low drama and have your life sorted. He sounds like maximum drama. Avoid.

Essentially what op is doing is allowing a child to suffer because she doesn’t want to suffer herself, but tbh... there’s no guarantee of that either. The mans family sound vile and this is only the start.
Op doesn’t sound very clued up on the rights they will have either.

When you have children they come first, this situation isn’t putting the child first at all. They’re open to abuse already and aren’t even born yet.

Jelly your frankly ridiculous and obnoxious allegations that OP is pushing her child into suffering to avoid suffering herself are arrant fucking tosh.

I don’t know what issues you have going on in your own life, but you appear to be massively projecting here. Going off on a fantasy frolic in your mind that involves wildly dramatic allegations against the Op is about as unhelpful as it gets. Damaging, in fact.

Look to sort your own issues before trying to sway somebody else into a life-changing decision.

Those who have mentioned about the grandfather...

In all honesty, this is something I'd have to find out for myself. I no longer believe anything the baby's dad says. I'll have to make my own judgment on the grandfather to find out the truth. If they decide to contact me then I'll have to deal with that head on.

Cut contact, do not push for him to attend scans etc.

Do not put him on the birth certificate.

Do not allow him access when the baby is born unless by some miracle he has moved out of his parents home and has a stable life.

Any attempts by you to involve him and his family at this point, is not putting your baby first in my opinion, it's you wishing for things that ain't gunna happen and your child will end up in the middle of a load of unstable family drama.

Put your baby first, not what you wish would happen.

Tolleshunt My own issues?
I’m fine, I literally don’t have any issues.

It’s just horrible that kids get dragged in to stuff like this.