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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I think i'm going to crack, what do I do? (long one)

143 replies

littleflatontheprairie · 16/07/2019 01:00

It's a long one, I've name changed.
Ok, I can only summarise, what has gotten me to this point.

  • getting married in 2.5 months to an amazing person, very happy to be his wife
  • gone NC with my mother since Feb as she's cruel and horrible for many many reasons all my life and I've been incredibly strong and resilient but i'm struggling a lot now. It's hard even though I find it easier without her.
  • new MIL and SIL to be decided to lash out at me and DP when we got engaged because they were stressed, quite a few times and the relationship deteriorated. We sorted it, they (eventually after lots of lies) admitted and apologized, but it took its toll on me, my DP and our relationship. That relationship with MIL and SIL to be is damaged, and they really are not trying with me to repair. it's very hurtful.
  • My DB is not talking too other DB, he wouldn't attend his wedding in May, our family has basically fallen apart and we don't really talk to each other much, there is no support there

Summarise past week:

  • guy that I work with and struggle with pushed me over the edge last Tuesday, after months of biting my tongue I snapped and we had it out. Nothing like crazy, just a large disagreement. I've flagged I struggle with him previously to mgt and this was kind of the straw that broke the camels back, and I've threatened to make a formal complaint. I'm very upset
  • my hen party was this weekend. my MOH put lots of planning etc into it. 2 people backed out last minute which is always expected. One excuse was legit, her mum was very unwell and going for a very serious operation Monday after the hen on Saturday. The other couldn't get off work, lame excuse but I assume it's just a face for something else (and i know what that's like so fine).
  • Saturday night mid hen, I learn that my friend's mom actually passed away Saturday evening. Now given everyone was there for me and having a good time, I went game face and pulled through, smiled and gave the night my all (even though I was dying inside). Her mom was very good to me, and my friend is VERY close to her mom, so i'm heartbroken for her. I don't know if she'll get through this really.
  • Sunday morning wake up MoH is off with me, I ask why she's behaving weird. I asked had I done something, she said I did nothing. Basically, she wants me to leave and travel with other girls from hen to see my friend (we'd be passing my poor friends front door) says having to go see my wedding dress the next day is bad planning and suggests I cancel it to go see my friend instead of this evening. Given that I live far away and travel via plane to be with everyone more local which is where wedding dress shop is (well a bit of a drive), my days are numbered for this stuff and it was planned a long time to do this and I told her no pressure to attend, but she wanted to. She was cool as ice with me, I felt so bad so awkward, apologized for being such pain by her having to drive me and give up soo much time, but she did not make me feel better she let me know I was an inconvenience. She had a lot on and emotions caught up with her (she's not used to such mad times to be fair) and she has basically lashed out at me. Her reasons - I sent a text with a list of stuff to bring (shampoo, perfume, one item was me as a lol) and I asked her to get my handbag in the bar during hen - which I actually didn't. What actually happened was I said I left it unattended and need to go get it, she said she would and disappeared, even though I said I would too.. She goes off cried to my other BM and says I'm. ungrateful and mean!

I learned this tonight from my BM. I calmly call the MoH, she tells me she was just emotional and she is sorry I feel this way and she doesn't want it blown out of proportion.... I'm like 2 comments you've misinterpreted do not equate to treating me like shit for 2 days (given the circumstances) because you're tired. AIBU to be so hurt and offended by this? I was very calm and very clear on the phone, played a blinder if I do say so myself. She was VERY defensive and almost tried to put it back on me as though i was overreacting. I spent this evening just crying to DP. He's very upset with MoH, given the petty excuse.
Before I get a hard tome for bringing a Bridezilla, I'm not at all. All the girls needed to do was the hen, I didn't interfere, I've sorted everything else for wedding. I ask and demand nothing from them.

  • In the meantime I get a text Monday morning at 7am from DB, telling me another DB is cheating on his DP, with whom he has 3 kids. No hey, how was your hen party?

I think I have lost it tonight. I've just broken. Everything has finally bubbled over and I can't take anymore. I thought my MoH was on my side, she knows I lack support form family. She has hurt me so much (doesn't realize or won't be accountable for her behavior).

AIBU not taking that crap from my MoH?

How do I begin to sort out emotions? I don't know what my next move is. help MN!
I fell into a scary depression a couple of years, ago over my DM. I fear I may slip back in unless I do something. It's supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and I just want it over.

OP posts:
AllOverIt · 16/07/2019 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

littleflatontheprairie · 16/07/2019 11:52

@AllOverIt
I am heartbroken for my friend.
I have not made that about me. I said it made me reflect on how lucky she was to have such a great mom, how awful it is for her to lose her so soon and it was a stark reminder that I have one that’s horrible, and in the most important time in my life to date, she isn’t there cause she can’t behave herself.
That’s a bizarre thing to say.

OP posts:
RavenLG · 16/07/2019 12:01

Did you MoH insist on driving before or after you friends DM had passed away? As you don't tend to plan for such an awful situation. To say she was happy to drive you around may have been true when she wasn't mourning her friend's DM had passed, and all she wanted to do was go an see her. Seriously, why couldn't you get a taxi? Or she drop you off and go? I can't imagine choosing a dress over a mate in turmoil (and a women you call your own mum??), and I say this having just picked out my wedding dress.

Yes the thing about your bag sounds like she reacted ott, but neither of you have acted like decent people here. Had she been drinking when the incident happaned? As alcohol can massively conflate the issue, and you read the situation wrong. I also agree with Looking4wards that you sound like you're not wrong at all, and forcing her to back down.

Just because she's had 2 holidays and 'work stuff' doesn't mean she doesn't have other stuff going on. Your initial OP was 'look at the long list of things going wrong in my life' ... maybe she has that too it's not just 'tiredness' causing her to snap.

Honestly, your friend who is grieving should be both your priorities at the moment, and if you can't get your acts together for her then you both should be ashamed.

littleflatontheprairie · 16/07/2019 12:11

To clarify, she doesn’t know my friend that is grieving at all, only to text during hen planning. I am the only one in the hen impacted by my friends loss. But the girls were very sad to hear that it has happened of course.
The driving was planned for months. I could have flown closer to the hen destination, but she is insisted I go to her house first, and she drives me to the place. I had no idea where it was, it was all a surprise!
She knew where it was and where the dress shop was. There was a lot of driving involved. But she knew that when the plans were made and didn’t want me to rent a car.
She had been drinking, I was too, but not a lot. I tend not to drink much (only for nerves) on things like this to make sure I’m fully switched on.
I had just found out within an hour about my friends mom, if not less before the handbag incident about my friend’s mom. Needless to say I was stone cold sober and remember the interaction clearly. If I was rude, I’d have known it... I wasn’t.

My friend who is grieving was my priority. I made plans with another friend to actually go see her as I was stuck and my MoH wouldn’t help, she just wanted to be alone.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 16/07/2019 12:12

Well I don't know about anyone else, but no, none of your updates have made me change my mind.

It's still all about you isn't it

littleflatontheprairie · 16/07/2019 12:18

Oh I give up.
There are some really mean people on here.
When I respond on MN, I empathise even when ppl are getting a hard time, as no one comes on to ask for abuse. It’s for help, advice, (constructive, not bitchy).

It’s not me that needs to take a long hard look at myself on this thread!

I asked for help, tried to give some context as to why I’m crumbling. I didn’t explain myself well at first, but have tried to clarify since. Keep abusing MN, I’m out!

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 16/07/2019 12:31

'Even in your update you turn the death of your friend's mother into something about you and your mother. '

Quite

ginnybag · 16/07/2019 12:31

OP, this isn't meant to be a dig, and I'm hoping it will help you in the long run, but I agree with others that you are likely causing much of the issues affecting you.

But NOT because you're horrible, or selfish, or a bridezilla. You are a little self-focused, in places, but it's not only that.

I think it's because of the way you're coming across to people, because frankly, OP, (and I admit, I'm judging only from here) your basic communication skills are bloody awful.

Your choices of phrasing, your accuracy in information conveyance, even basic sentence focus and structure - none of it is good, and it's having your come across in a very negative light.

Can I ask, is English your fist language and (if it is) are you British or American. I agree with a PP, some of your phrasing is very, very American. It's abrupt, combative and out of step with the way I'd expect to see people speak. It will be jarring to others and it will be getting people's back's up.

I ask, because I have a friend who IS American, and she experiences many, many, many of the same issues that you are describing.

Some of it is because she is, culturally, very much more me-focused and dramatic than we expect people to be, very 'typically' American as it were, and its taken her a long time to understand that she needs to start to tone it all down and take a deep breath before going off in a spin. It's needed, and it's helping, albeit slowly.

The majority of the issue, though, is that her basic standard of communication is poor. She doesn't know how to convey what she means, misses out hugely important facts and then reacts aggressively and with FAR too much drama before anyone has chance to understand. She gets very frustrated, and then immediately gets loud and combative - very 'points scorey' and belligerent until she's proven 'right' and the other person 'wrong'.

Reading your posts, I'd wonder if you were her, if I didn't know there's no chance you could be. Other people have picked this up, in challenging you about the phrase 'playing a blinder, if I do say so myself'. You clarify later, but do you actually understand that it's a) an insanely smug, self-congratulatory phrase, especially when talking about dealing with an upset friend and b) that, because of that, a large number of people won't stick around for you to explain what you meant - they've responded to what you actually said, gone 'ugh!' as it deserves, and moved on.

Again, look at your last post, where you talk about the latest message from your friend - look at how you're communicating. It's nothing but 'I was right, other friend says I was right, I was right, completely right, she was wrong, hah!'.

Maybe you were, but should your friendship be a scorecard? Do you want it to be? Even if you do, do you think the other people around you want it to be? What would it cost you if you weren't completely right?

Can you rewrite your response to the text from your MoH to be more balanced? Or do you not have the language skills? If not, you need to gain them or this will keep happening, and in either case, you need to get some help to find ways to communicate better, because currently, you're triggering a negative backlash and don't know how to stop it.

MarthasGinYard · 16/07/2019 12:32

'am heartbroken for my friend.
I have not made that about me. I said it made me reflect on how lucky she was to have such a great mom, how awful it is for her to lose her so soon and it was a stark reminder that I have one that’s horrible, and in the most important time in my life to date, she isn’t there cause she can’t behave herself. '

And blimey

Here you go again

roundbottomflask · 16/07/2019 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amiapropermum · 16/07/2019 12:35

I don't think either you or your MOH come across very well in all this. You've come across as quite self centred and tone counts for a lot in real life. I appreciate that we might be picking you up incorrectly here. Weddings also seem to bring out the worst in people - sometimes brides included - for some reason.

Your update about the MOH realising the error of her ways just sounds a bit strange. You don't seem to have considered that you might have contributed to this situation at all. I hope it all works out and that your wedding goes off peacefully

derxa · 16/07/2019 12:43

People aren't out to get you OP. You need to take a step back.

Lawnmowingsucks · 16/07/2019 12:54

Sometimes it's better to be happy than correct , OP. I think you'd do well to remember that. And if being correct makes you happy, then you need some emotional help,

Lawnmowingsucks · 16/07/2019 12:56

Oh I give up.
There are some really mean people on here.

No

There are people on here who are commenting on how they see you. If you want to be seen differently, then present differently

SagAloojah · 16/07/2019 13:46

To clarify, she doesn’t know my friend that is grieving at all, only to text during hen planning. I am the only one in the hen impacted by my friends loss.

Sounds like your friend used the death of your friend’s mum to ruin your hen. OP, I would seriously re-evaluate this friendship.

I really think OP is being picked on this thread because she has a different posting style than most.

AllOverIt · 16/07/2019 15:41

Oooo I had a post deleted. Tick that off the bucket list. Ahem Blush

AllOverIt · 16/07/2019 15:43

And I stand by what I posted. You have made this all about you. And you don't sound very heartbroken at all. You have made it sound like an inconvenience.

It's interesting that you haven't taken any of the comments on board, but stated that 'we're all mean'. 🤣

The common denominator here and with all the fallings out you've had in RL is YOU.

YOU need to take a good look at the way you communicate.

AllOverIt · 16/07/2019 15:45

Also... Get off AIBU if you're not actually bothered in hearing if you're being unreasonable or not...

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