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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think i'm going to crack, what do I do? (long one)

143 replies

littleflatontheprairie · 16/07/2019 01:00

It's a long one, I've name changed.
Ok, I can only summarise, what has gotten me to this point.

  • getting married in 2.5 months to an amazing person, very happy to be his wife
  • gone NC with my mother since Feb as she's cruel and horrible for many many reasons all my life and I've been incredibly strong and resilient but i'm struggling a lot now. It's hard even though I find it easier without her.
  • new MIL and SIL to be decided to lash out at me and DP when we got engaged because they were stressed, quite a few times and the relationship deteriorated. We sorted it, they (eventually after lots of lies) admitted and apologized, but it took its toll on me, my DP and our relationship. That relationship with MIL and SIL to be is damaged, and they really are not trying with me to repair. it's very hurtful.
  • My DB is not talking too other DB, he wouldn't attend his wedding in May, our family has basically fallen apart and we don't really talk to each other much, there is no support there

Summarise past week:

  • guy that I work with and struggle with pushed me over the edge last Tuesday, after months of biting my tongue I snapped and we had it out. Nothing like crazy, just a large disagreement. I've flagged I struggle with him previously to mgt and this was kind of the straw that broke the camels back, and I've threatened to make a formal complaint. I'm very upset
  • my hen party was this weekend. my MOH put lots of planning etc into it. 2 people backed out last minute which is always expected. One excuse was legit, her mum was very unwell and going for a very serious operation Monday after the hen on Saturday. The other couldn't get off work, lame excuse but I assume it's just a face for something else (and i know what that's like so fine).
  • Saturday night mid hen, I learn that my friend's mom actually passed away Saturday evening. Now given everyone was there for me and having a good time, I went game face and pulled through, smiled and gave the night my all (even though I was dying inside). Her mom was very good to me, and my friend is VERY close to her mom, so i'm heartbroken for her. I don't know if she'll get through this really.
  • Sunday morning wake up MoH is off with me, I ask why she's behaving weird. I asked had I done something, she said I did nothing. Basically, she wants me to leave and travel with other girls from hen to see my friend (we'd be passing my poor friends front door) says having to go see my wedding dress the next day is bad planning and suggests I cancel it to go see my friend instead of this evening. Given that I live far away and travel via plane to be with everyone more local which is where wedding dress shop is (well a bit of a drive), my days are numbered for this stuff and it was planned a long time to do this and I told her no pressure to attend, but she wanted to. She was cool as ice with me, I felt so bad so awkward, apologized for being such pain by her having to drive me and give up soo much time, but she did not make me feel better she let me know I was an inconvenience. She had a lot on and emotions caught up with her (she's not used to such mad times to be fair) and she has basically lashed out at me. Her reasons - I sent a text with a list of stuff to bring (shampoo, perfume, one item was me as a lol) and I asked her to get my handbag in the bar during hen - which I actually didn't. What actually happened was I said I left it unattended and need to go get it, she said she would and disappeared, even though I said I would too.. She goes off cried to my other BM and says I'm. ungrateful and mean!

I learned this tonight from my BM. I calmly call the MoH, she tells me she was just emotional and she is sorry I feel this way and she doesn't want it blown out of proportion.... I'm like 2 comments you've misinterpreted do not equate to treating me like shit for 2 days (given the circumstances) because you're tired. AIBU to be so hurt and offended by this? I was very calm and very clear on the phone, played a blinder if I do say so myself. She was VERY defensive and almost tried to put it back on me as though i was overreacting. I spent this evening just crying to DP. He's very upset with MoH, given the petty excuse.
Before I get a hard tome for bringing a Bridezilla, I'm not at all. All the girls needed to do was the hen, I didn't interfere, I've sorted everything else for wedding. I ask and demand nothing from them.

  • In the meantime I get a text Monday morning at 7am from DB, telling me another DB is cheating on his DP, with whom he has 3 kids. No hey, how was your hen party?

I think I have lost it tonight. I've just broken. Everything has finally bubbled over and I can't take anymore. I thought my MoH was on my side, she knows I lack support form family. She has hurt me so much (doesn't realize or won't be accountable for her behavior).

AIBU not taking that crap from my MoH?

How do I begin to sort out emotions? I don't know what my next move is. help MN!
I fell into a scary depression a couple of years, ago over my DM. I fear I may slip back in unless I do something. It's supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and I just want it over.

OP posts:
Awrite · 16/07/2019 07:26

@Soydora - it means that, included in the items MOH had to bring to the hen weekend, was op herself. ie, give her a lift there and back.

Karigan195 · 16/07/2019 07:27

A lot of these things are just not worth the drama they are turning into. Is something else going on? Are you struggling yourself? The centre of all this is you and some of it is overreactions.

I think maybe book yourself some counselling time and have a good long chat with a professional as it could be that lots of things happening around a major time in your life is tipping you into high stress or mental health issues (as you’ve had depression before).

Petitprince · 16/07/2019 07:35

When you fall out with multiple people, sometimes it isn't that the world is out to get you. Sometimes the problem is you and how you treat people. It's happened to me too. Maybe time for some self reflection (and some bridge building).

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2019 07:46

I think it very odd that everyone has fallen out with you, but you're not to blame, you carry no fault.

I'd take a step back here, as it seems highly unlikely everyone you know is simply horrid to you and you're totally sweet and lovely. I'd assume they have a different view of the situation.

Nanna50 · 16/07/2019 07:49

@littleflatontheprairie You asked what do I do?

So you step back, remove yourself from the situation and reflect on your own behaviour in this and understand your part in it.

Maybe offer some apologies. Maybe get some counselling.

Calling everyone around you dickheads, but not seeing that you might be behaving like one yourself? Calling a pp on here absolutely horrid because she suggests it could be you? ...

StoorieHoose · 16/07/2019 07:52

If you still have a MoH after your childish behaviour I will be very surprised. A wedding dress fitting doesn't need to to be chauffeur driven by the MoH to oh and ah over the dress - your good friends mother has just died and you prioritised a dress that you will wear once over giving her some support

Nottheduchess · 16/07/2019 07:54

I have to agree with a lot of the posts on here. You do seem to be the common denominator. Surely everyone else can’t be wrong and you are the only right one? Your friend lost her mother, that is devastating and ranks high above a dress fitting. I know it was out of your way but you chose that place. You should have sucked it up and rescheduled.
Nobody cares about your hen doo apart from you really, so people not asking about it is perfectly normal.

Forensicpsych · 16/07/2019 07:57

Hmm

Esspee · 16/07/2019 07:58

This thread is an excellent example of being a bridezilla.
How can anyone put their dress before a friend who has just lost her mother?

AllOverIt · 16/07/2019 07:59

You sound exhausting.

Feel sorry for the MOH.

Also the comment about 'playing a blinder' on the phone is worrying. She's your friend. That's not the way a friend talks.

Hanab · 16/07/2019 08:00

Just breath .. take some ‘ME’ time .. do not let any negative people into your bubble and regroup ..

Choose your battles and make a list of priorities ..

SoyDora · 16/07/2019 08:00

Ok thanks, makes sense!

bigKiteFlying · 16/07/2019 08:01

If there’s anyway you can downsize or ideally elope I think it will do wonders for you MH. Good luck.

^^ This.

bigKiteFlying · 16/07/2019 08:03

If you can't then - Choose your battles and make a list of priorities is good advice - try and not get drawn into arguments and rememember what seems very importantto you is to most just day and honestly on the day a lot fo the details won't be so noticable to you as you'll be busy.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 16/07/2019 08:03

So what are you going to do OP?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 16/07/2019 08:03

I completely agree with @Blondebakingmumma who was not rude at all.
Your response however..You sound like a selfish pita and I have bugger all sympathy for you.

saoirse31 · 16/07/2019 08:08

Truthfully op, go back and read your first response to a poster. She wasn't in anyway horrible, but look at your instant response. If that's a reflection of how you respond in general, well then, it is you who's causing, or hugely contributing to all this drama. And your attitude to news of your Db issues, says a lot too.

Someone suggested counselling, I'd agree. Look at it as investment in your future happiness, and in marriage success.

falafelaboutit · 16/07/2019 08:10

I agree with the poster you deemed horrid. You sound completely self absorbed. The 'played a blinder' comment shows what comes across through your posts, that you're game playing and relishing in drama.

VivienneHolt · 16/07/2019 08:12

@SagAloojah the OP is pretty confusing but I do think OP was reliant on the MOH for a lift as she says I felt so bad so awkward, apologized for being such pain by her having to drive me and give up soo much time, but she did not make me feel better she let me know I was an inconvenience.

Maybe OP means her MOH didn’t have to accompany her to the dress fitting, but still had to hang around to give OP a lift home (when the MOH felt they should actually be supporting the bereaved friend)

Gazelda · 16/07/2019 08:18

I think you should switch off from the wedding planning for a few days. Take time to breath and regain some perspective, And, as others have suggested, think about each situation individually. Was it a big deal, can it be resolved, how can it be avoided in future etc. Once you've addressed each issue, put it behind you, it's closed. Don't bear grudges, or stew on past incidents.

FWIW, I think you owe your MOH an apology, and I think you were self-centred in your reaction to your DB.

Take a step back, reevaluate and hopefully you'll bring yourself back from the brink of depression.

StumpyinSomerset · 16/07/2019 08:20

Another one that agrees with @blondebakingmama. She wasn't rude at all.

Your brother is having problems (ok,of his own doing) but you're more upset that your hen do wasn't mentioned.

With regards to your MOH,you need to apologise and let her do what she needs to do,you can get a taxi or find someone else to give you a lift.

You do seem to be very self absorbed and unthinking of what others are going through.

Yabbers · 16/07/2019 08:22

People’s Nasty comments don’t help when someone has a Pending MH crisis here

What rot. There is nothing to suggest a MH crisis, (but I dare say there will be a drip feed when the OP realises she isn’t getting what she is looking for) This is a selfish OP who thinks the world revolves around her, whining about some ridiculous drama which she probably thrives on.

By calling this a MH crisis, you do a real disservice to people actually having a MH crisis.

drowningincustard · 16/07/2019 08:23

how many of the people piling in on the OP have also been posting memes on social media about mental health awareness in the last year???
i have read supportive gentle posts but most of the rest really???? this is how you talk to someone that asks for help (please note when struggling many people don't directly say I need help - you have to read between the lines)

GrouchoMrx · 16/07/2019 08:29

For the life of me, I cannot understand why everyone else doesn't get why your hen party and wedding are so much more important than everything else!

Hmm
Veryveryouting · 16/07/2019 08:29

I don't understand why MOH had to drive you to your fitting? You could have got a cab? If I've read it right then yes I do think that was selfish and inconvenient.

As for the rest, without knowing the full story no one can agree with you that you are right and the victim in all of this. You very well may be, but we don't know.

Is your DP agreeing with everything you say for an easy life?

I don't mean to sound harsh OP. It's just difficult to properly understand your situation.

I think you should stop grouping all of the shit together because all it's doing is making it seem like on big joint thing which is clearly weighing you down.