I think i'm going to crack, what do I do? (long one)

[littleflatontheprairie]

It's a long one, I've name changed.
Ok, I can only summarise, what has gotten me to this point.

• getting married in 2.5 months to an amazing person, very happy to be his wife
• gone NC with my mother since Feb as she's cruel and horrible for many many reasons all my life and I've been incredibly strong and resilient but i'm struggling a lot now. It's hard even though I find it easier without her.
• new MIL and SIL to be decided to lash out at me and DP when we got engaged because they were stressed, quite a few times and the relationship deteriorated. We sorted it, they (eventually after lots of lies) admitted and apologized, but it took its toll on me, my DP and our relationship. That relationship with MIL and SIL to be is damaged, and they really are not trying with me to repair. it's very hurtful.
• My DB is not talking too other DB, he wouldn't attend his wedding in May, our family has basically fallen apart and we don't really talk to each other much, there is no support there

Summarise past week:

• guy that I work with and struggle with pushed me over the edge last Tuesday, after months of biting my tongue I snapped and we had it out. Nothing like crazy, just a large disagreement. I've flagged I struggle with him previously to mgt and this was kind of the straw that broke the camels back, and I've threatened to make a formal complaint. I'm very upset
• my hen party was this weekend. my MOH put lots of planning etc into it. 2 people backed out last minute which is always expected. One excuse was legit, her mum was very unwell and going for a very serious operation Monday after the hen on Saturday. The other couldn't get off work, lame excuse but I assume it's just a face for something else (and i know what that's like so fine).
• Saturday night mid hen, I learn that my friend's mom actually passed away Saturday evening. Now given everyone was there for me and having a good time, I went game face and pulled through, smiled and gave the night my all (even though I was dying inside). Her mom was very good to me, and my friend is VERY close to her mom, so i'm heartbroken for her. I don't know if she'll get through this really.
• Sunday morning wake up MoH is off with me, I ask why she's behaving weird. I asked had I done something, she said I did nothing. Basically, she wants me to leave and travel with other girls from hen to see my friend (we'd be passing my poor friends front door) says having to go see my wedding dress the next day is bad planning and suggests I cancel it to go see my friend instead of this evening. Given that I live far away and travel via plane to be with everyone more local which is where wedding dress shop is (well a bit of a drive), my days are numbered for this stuff and it was planned a long time to do this and I told her no pressure to attend, but she wanted to. She was cool as ice with me, I felt so bad so awkward, apologized for being such pain by her having to drive me and give up soo much time, but she did not make me feel better she let me know I was an inconvenience. She had a lot on and emotions caught up with her (she's not used to such mad times to be fair) and she has basically lashed out at me. Her reasons - I sent a text with a list of stuff to bring (shampoo, perfume, one item was me as a lol) and I asked her to get my handbag in the bar during hen - which I actually didn't. What actually happened was I said I left it unattended and need to go get it, she said she would and disappeared, even though I said I would too.. She goes off cried to my other BM and says I'm. ungrateful and mean!

I learned this tonight from my BM. I calmly call the MoH, she tells me she was just emotional and she is sorry I feel this way and she doesn't want it blown out of proportion.... I'm like 2 comments you've misinterpreted do not equate to treating me like shit for 2 days (given the circumstances) because you're tired. AIBU to be so hurt and offended by this? I was very calm and very clear on the phone, played a blinder if I do say so myself. She was VERY defensive and almost tried to put it back on me as though i was overreacting. I spent this evening just crying to DP. He's very upset with MoH, given the petty excuse.
Before I get a hard tome for bringing a Bridezilla, I'm not at all. All the girls needed to do was the hen, I didn't interfere, I've sorted everything else for wedding. I ask and demand nothing from them.

• In the meantime I get a text Monday morning at 7am from DB, telling me another DB is cheating on his DP, with whom he has 3 kids. No hey, how was your hen party?

I think I have lost it tonight. I've just broken. Everything has finally bubbled over and I can't take anymore. I thought my MoH was on my side, she knows I lack support form family. She has hurt me so much (doesn't realize or won't be accountable for her behavior).

AIBU not taking that crap from my MoH?

How do I begin to sort out emotions? I don't know what my next move is. help MN!
I fell into a scary depression a couple of years, ago over my DM. I fear I may slip back in unless I do something. It's supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and I just want it over.

You sound completely exhausting. I think some counselling might be a good step for you to work through all your issues - and they mostly seem to be yours not other people.

YABU

This
MOH - she organised you a fantastic hen night. She wanted to support her friend who's mother had died but you insisted on your dress fitting, and she went with your wishes. You were so so selfish - why didn't you just get an Uber or hire a car or, I dunno, be a good friend!
I can understand why she was cold with you and you're lucky she's still attending the wedding, especially with your incredibly high opinions of yourself.

X1000

The rest I can sort of see where there's faults on both sides, but this was outrageous. Your Friend lost her mum, and you prioritised a frock - I get it, it's an important frock but it's still just a piece of clothing. Over a grieving friend, over a woman you say was almost like a mother to you.

No wonder your MOH was off with you. You owe her, and your other friends a huge apology. And for your friend whose lost her mum - who she was very close to - what are you doing to be there for her?

Honestly you sound exhausting. Life is too short to fall out with all these different people.

I'm sorry op but you sound exhausting.

Your poor MoH, it was very wrong of you to stop her going to her bereaved friend because of a dress fitting, no wonder she was cold with you.

And complaining about your db not asking about your hen, I'm sorry but that makes you sound self involved and selfish.

Stop falling out with everyone!

You lost my sympathy the minute you prioritised a dress fitting over supporting a friend who’s mother had just passed away.

Honestly you sound like hard work and a bit of a princess. Sorry OP.

Am I confused or are other people Surely it’s the ops friend who is bereaved not the MILs friend????

Ah no it’s me getting moh and mil confused

@Marnie76
Yes, it was the friend who couldn't make the hen as her mum was going in for an op on the Monday but subsequently died on the Saturday.

Couldn't you have got a taxi to the dress shop?

Sorry but your moh is right .....
Thisvthread reminds me why my wedding is going to be very low key. No bridesmaids or anything.

So much drama, that was exhausting.
Apologise to your friends. Stop being a bridezilla. It's one day fgs.

Ah the catch cry of every bridezilla ever: “but I’m really not a bridezilla”.
Agree with PP that you can’t see the forrest for the trees right now as evidenced by the wedding dress situation. If there’s anyway you can downsize or ideally elope I think it will do wonders for you MH. Good luck.

Couldn't you have got a taxi/cab/uber to the dress fitting?

I think you are overwhelmed and blowing everything out of proportion.

DB not asking how the hen night went, is a total non-issue. You are all consumed with the wedding no doubt but he isn't, which is fine.

I would elope as others have said.

Take a deep breath and focus on keeping perspective, start relaxing about it all, it's just a wedding, a day, not worth all this hassle.

Hope you feel better soon xx

It sounds like you’ve been under a great deal of pressure and lots of things have got on top of you. This all culminated in a weekend that was supposed to be a celebration, but where everyone was actually feeling sad and anxious because of the death of your friend’s mother.

I think @roundbottomflask has it right in their first post. I expect your MOH feels that you should have made alternative arrangements to try your dress so that she could go and be with your friend. Her other complaints sound petty, but are probably just reflections of her overall mindset.

On that basis, I think you owe her an apology. That is the way to sort this out - call her, tell her you’re sorry and that you didn’t make the right choices. Tell her you appreciate all she has done for your hen.

At the end of the day, your friendship is more valuable than winning this argument, and I do think you were in the wrong. That doesn’t make you a terrible person - everyone gets it wrong sometimes. But it means it’s on your head to try and make it better.

OP I can hear you are strugling. It seems at every turn people are angry, things falling apart, people letting you down.

Some of the posts here have been a little cruel, but it does see tat you are in the eye of the storm, everything else is whirling around you.

However, we need to realise that we have far more control over our lives and realities and our influence does have an effect.
We can decide to live our lives in harmony with others and with compassion, that is something we can ontrol.

Make a decision to act with a positive force, think about things from other people's point of views and you will see how you life changes.
When we start to give to others we end up recieving.
I'm not suggesting that you become a pushover or allow others to treat you badly, But when we give we end up receiving.

It sounds like a number of little things have really got on top of you; weddings are stressful and they bring out both the best and worst in people.
In terms of your in laws I’d take a step back emotionally; they are not important. I’m not sure your MoH has really done anything wrong but I think it’s the straw that broke the camels back for you, I would just accept it’s a difference of opinion with her and continue your friendship.
In terms of your in laws once you’re married all this will seem less important, you can decide on your relationship with them after the wedding. I’d also leave your brothers to it; they are living their lives and making their decisions, maintain the relationships but don’t stress over things you can’t control.

I think OP is getting a hard time. Whilst the MoH had every right to decide to pull out of the dress fitting and go and see her bereaved friend, she had no right to insist OP and everyone else do the same. OP took a pragmatic approach, her wedding is 2 months away, she had a lot of people attending her hendo, she had organised a dress fitting and would not easily get another opportunity to book another one, given she has to fly to this location!

There is nothing wrong with what OP did. The bereaved friend most likely wouldn't have wanted a whole hen party descending on her the day after her mum died! If the MoH felt so strongly she should have gone herself. She ruined her friend's hen by being cold.

OP, I'm afraid you've found the nasty side of AIBU this morning, I hope the thread gives you support but I'm afraid it will become a pile on.

Sounds like a lot of stress.
Remember what this is about - you and your DP making a lifelong commitment. The dress doesn’t matter, the day doesn’t matter, who turns up doesn’t matter. Being grateful and happy together long term does.

Others understandably have their own problems, not least your friend whose mother died, your DB’s wife and children. And it’s gonna affect others too - like other DB, MOH. Cut them some slack.

died! If the MoH felt so strongly she should have gone herself.

I may have misunderstood (OP can hopefully clarify) but I think the MOH did suggest going herself, but couldn’t because OP needed MOH ago drive her to the dress fitting. In my view, OP should have let the MOH go to their bereaved friend and made alternative arrangements to get to her dress fitting.

but I think the MOH did suggest going herself, but couldn’t because OP needed MOH ago drive her to the dress fitting.

No, that's not right, OP says:

Basically, she wants me to leave and travel with other girls from hen to see my friend (we'd be passing my poor friends front door) says having to go see my wedding dress the next day is bad planning and suggests I cancel it to go see my friend instead of this evening. Given that I live far away and travel via plane to be with everyone more local which is where wedding dress shop is (well a bit of a drive), my days are numbered for this stuff and it was planned a long time to do this and I told her no pressure to attend, but she wanted to.

You have had so many issues with so many different people it is almost impossible not to conclude that, unfortunately, it's you.

one item was me as a lol

What does this mean?

The wedding dress fitting was so hard. You had it planned and I don't think you were unjustified to stick to your plan and we're kind enough to suggest to MOH to go see friend. (But then I'm not sure I would want lots of friends dropping in on me the day after.). I think you were all in shock and I don't think anyone thinks straight but i think you need to forgive each other / let go of grudges about that day as this will heal your friendship. Sounds to me you're all too critical of one another (you and MOH).

@BalloonSlayer

Not a nice thing to say to someone who feels they might be going back into depression. And as for: 'so many issues with so many different people', it's wrong to blame OP for this alone. It's not her fault her mum is horrible. She hasn't named any issues with DBs. Her friend was wrong to ruin her hen do. MIL and SIL apologised so they admit they were at fault. Unfortunately some people do become the target for others and OP seems to be an easy target for people.

Soydora I think op means she’s sent a list of things for her friend to bring to the dress fitting day (perfume, shampoo, etc) and one of the items on the list(a bit of a joke) to bring was her (ie friend was giving OP a lift).