I think i'm going to crack, what do I do? (long one)

[littleflatontheprairie]

It's a long one, I've name changed.
Ok, I can only summarise, what has gotten me to this point.

• getting married in 2.5 months to an amazing person, very happy to be his wife
• gone NC with my mother since Feb as she's cruel and horrible for many many reasons all my life and I've been incredibly strong and resilient but i'm struggling a lot now. It's hard even though I find it easier without her.
• new MIL and SIL to be decided to lash out at me and DP when we got engaged because they were stressed, quite a few times and the relationship deteriorated. We sorted it, they (eventually after lots of lies) admitted and apologized, but it took its toll on me, my DP and our relationship. That relationship with MIL and SIL to be is damaged, and they really are not trying with me to repair. it's very hurtful.
• My DB is not talking too other DB, he wouldn't attend his wedding in May, our family has basically fallen apart and we don't really talk to each other much, there is no support there

Summarise past week:

• guy that I work with and struggle with pushed me over the edge last Tuesday, after months of biting my tongue I snapped and we had it out. Nothing like crazy, just a large disagreement. I've flagged I struggle with him previously to mgt and this was kind of the straw that broke the camels back, and I've threatened to make a formal complaint. I'm very upset
• my hen party was this weekend. my MOH put lots of planning etc into it. 2 people backed out last minute which is always expected. One excuse was legit, her mum was very unwell and going for a very serious operation Monday after the hen on Saturday. The other couldn't get off work, lame excuse but I assume it's just a face for something else (and i know what that's like so fine).
• Saturday night mid hen, I learn that my friend's mom actually passed away Saturday evening. Now given everyone was there for me and having a good time, I went game face and pulled through, smiled and gave the night my all (even though I was dying inside). Her mom was very good to me, and my friend is VERY close to her mom, so i'm heartbroken for her. I don't know if she'll get through this really.
• Sunday morning wake up MoH is off with me, I ask why she's behaving weird. I asked had I done something, she said I did nothing. Basically, she wants me to leave and travel with other girls from hen to see my friend (we'd be passing my poor friends front door) says having to go see my wedding dress the next day is bad planning and suggests I cancel it to go see my friend instead of this evening. Given that I live far away and travel via plane to be with everyone more local which is where wedding dress shop is (well a bit of a drive), my days are numbered for this stuff and it was planned a long time to do this and I told her no pressure to attend, but she wanted to. She was cool as ice with me, I felt so bad so awkward, apologized for being such pain by her having to drive me and give up soo much time, but she did not make me feel better she let me know I was an inconvenience. She had a lot on and emotions caught up with her (she's not used to such mad times to be fair) and she has basically lashed out at me. Her reasons - I sent a text with a list of stuff to bring (shampoo, perfume, one item was me as a lol) and I asked her to get my handbag in the bar during hen - which I actually didn't. What actually happened was I said I left it unattended and need to go get it, she said she would and disappeared, even though I said I would too.. She goes off cried to my other BM and says I'm. ungrateful and mean!

I learned this tonight from my BM. I calmly call the MoH, she tells me she was just emotional and she is sorry I feel this way and she doesn't want it blown out of proportion.... I'm like 2 comments you've misinterpreted do not equate to treating me like shit for 2 days (given the circumstances) because you're tired. AIBU to be so hurt and offended by this? I was very calm and very clear on the phone, played a blinder if I do say so myself. She was VERY defensive and almost tried to put it back on me as though i was overreacting. I spent this evening just crying to DP. He's very upset with MoH, given the petty excuse.
Before I get a hard tome for bringing a Bridezilla, I'm not at all. All the girls needed to do was the hen, I didn't interfere, I've sorted everything else for wedding. I ask and demand nothing from them.

• In the meantime I get a text Monday morning at 7am from DB, telling me another DB is cheating on his DP, with whom he has 3 kids. No hey, how was your hen party?

I think I have lost it tonight. I've just broken. Everything has finally bubbled over and I can't take anymore. I thought my MoH was on my side, she knows I lack support form family. She has hurt me so much (doesn't realize or won't be accountable for her behavior).

AIBU not taking that crap from my MoH?

How do I begin to sort out emotions? I don't know what my next move is. help MN!
I fell into a scary depression a couple of years, ago over my DM. I fear I may slip back in unless I do something. It's supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and I just want it over.

Bloody Hell that post is barely fathomable other than it sounds like you are known as a Royal pain in the arse, drama and fall outs seem to happen on a daily basis.

Awful for your friend losing her DM straight after surgery. Very sad.

Some may think it could help you put things in perspective here.🤔

You say you hate the whole wedding circus so why do it in the first place? Not talking to some family and other members of family not speaking......that's enough to make you run for Gretna surely? You owe your MoH a massive apology, get her onside, tell her its wedding jitters and you are massively sorry. Ban both brothers from wedding and ignore work shit till you are back from honeymoon.

Christ you sound like bloody hard work.

You're friends mother died and you come on MN and word vomit a thread up and it was a bloody hard read due to it being all me me me

Sorry I could never have anything to do with someone like you.

I've not read all the replies so it might have already been floated. But does anyone suspect OP's DM is t quite the cruel witch she's been painted?

Get married in secret, get some strangers off the street as witnesses.
This is for you, not family.
They all seem to cause trouble, keep away from them.

Actually, scrap that last paragraph.
You're the one who is causing trouble, they need to keep away from you!
Yes, bad things happen that mess up YOUR plans, but being the better person means that sometimes...you put others first!

Weddings are insane. I truly don't understand wedding culture.

Imagine spending a weekend with a woman you've known for twenty years, been to uni with, grown up through adulthood with, and generally felt like a sister to, and referring to her to other people as 'my maid of honour'.

Wtf? Isn't she your good friend, your best friend, or just plain Sarah?

It just illustrates how far down this ludicrous rabbit hole we've gone. Lifelong friends becoming performers in the Show Of You.

Maybe your 'MoH' is similarly obsessed with wedding roles, what do I know. But if anyone I loved thought of me as the part I played in their effing wedding to some fucking twat let's face it, I'd think they were a narcissist. Which I can't even spell.

You sound exhausting.

Hopefully you will realise that looking at dresses or a hen party are so unimportant in the greater scheme of your friend losing her mother.

I think you’re a bit of a drama lama. Nearly all the things you mention are actually the dramas of other people just people you are connected with.

Just take a step back, breathe deep. Stop taking on everyone else’s probs like they’re your own

Weddings bring out the worst in people.

Have you always been a drama queen?

I won't be as harsh as some of the others because I do understand how things can get on top of you and it probably feels a bit like a 'death by 1000 cuts' to you - lots of little things that, on their own, wouldn't amount to a whole lot but, all together, when you're already feeling emotionally stretched, can wreak havoc on your ability to cope with these things appropriately.

However, I agree that you've lost a bit of perspective on this and think you need to step back and look at things a bit more objectively. For you, these things are all interplaying to make one huge problem but these are all really individual strands of 'wool' that have become tangled into a big knotty mess in your head and you're unable to separate them out from each other.

That's what you need to do. For example, what happened at work, your friend's mum dying and your DBs falling out are all completely unrelated but they have become tangled up in your head to all feel like things that happened to you. They didn't. The fall out has impacted on you but any one of these would have been entirely manageable. They've become to big to cope with in your head but only in your head.

OP I'm assuming you're not going to read this, if I was feeling like you, all these responses wouldn't help. In the gentlest way I can, I do agree that your MOH was in an awful position and I could and would forgive her for not being full of the joys of spring.
You seem to have a lot going on, some of which you had control over such as argument with colleague and MOH, some you don't such as DM and MIL/SIL. Nothing you can do about that now.
You need to try and compartmentalise everything. Put them all in separate boxes in your mind and deal with them individually. Your DP will still marry you even if your dress has a wonky hem or is slightly big. Your friend has lost her mum, that won't ever change now. My mam is my best friend, I would be broken if anything happened to her. Similarly, I would take a plane to the other side of the world if my best friend lost her mum to be with her.

I think you've just got caught up in everything and lost perspective. It happens, don't worry, just don't let this do permanent damage

Think you've been a shit friend to MOH tbh, prioritising your dress over her grief, considering how much you 'loved' her mum

'Imagine spending a weekend with a woman you've known for twenty years, been to uni with, grown up through adulthood with, and generally felt like a sister to, and referring to her to other people as 'my maid of honour'.

Wtf? Isn't she your good friend, your best friend, or just plain Sarah? '

MZ

I read this kind of thing on here and it also escapes me.

And it seems God forbid if some of these 'titles' don't deliver the full on 'service'

Beyond me

Apologies, I just meant your friend, not MOH but although I do think you've been out of order there as well

Given that I live far away and travel via plane to be with everyone more local which is where wedding dress shop is (well a bit of a drive)

Sorry? You bought your wedding dress from somewhere that is a plane ride away?

she doesn't want it blown out of proportion

This is a very telling comment from your MOH! So much drama and you don't recognise your part in it at all OP! You clearly like making a drama out of everything OP, but be warned that your family, friends and colleagues do not.

Firstly you post strikes me that you are being seen as a weak target. Your friend's mother died so she is not a part of what sounds like bullying.
If was possible it would be best to cancel the wedding and get to the airport with dp for honeymoon.
This is your wedding, not theirs and it sounds like it will be unpleasant for you.
The alternative is to do the wedding, focus only on yourself and new huband.
Look so gorgeous that they will be shocked and stunned.
After the wedding ceremony, it doesn't matter if they pull each other's hats off because you will at least have a bit of dignity and it is your day not theirs.
Dont let them spoil it for you, and dont try to make them like you. Some people dont like anyone.
The day will pass and they will still be mean but you are having a new adventure. Good luck and take care

Honestly I read threads like this and I think - you don't even know how lucky you are to have so little structural crapness to worry about (e.g. no job, massive debt, not enough food for the children, terrible illness, abuse etc).

Stop getting sucked into the drama. Life could be so much worse to you. Perhaps it will be in the future. Enjoy the excitement of planning your wedding and throw all these expectations out the window. They're strangling your ability to have a good time.

Whats the deal with wedding planning being such an Olympic sport? Can anyone explain. I planned a wedding. It wasn't small and it wasnt inexpensive. Yet, it really did not take two years of constant planning and preparation. What on earth are these women doing? Why are they turning smt, which is supposed to be an enjoyable day to mark the beginning of married life, into an endurance test for everyone involved.

OP draw back from this. A lot of this is choice. Your wedding is not some sort of test of your resilience. You say you put a brave face on for your hen. Why???? Quite honestly why? If you felt like saying, look this awful thing has happened, lets jst stop the forced jollies here. Then go see your friend the nxt day.

You sound quite young. Maybe you know this from your relationship deteriorating with your mother, but life can be very hard sometimes. Your friend who lost her mother is going through that now. All these small (1000 paper cuts) things that have happened to you recently dont compare. If you are finding the wedding has become onerous, do smt about it. Honestly, it really isnt some weird instagram competition. Its a wedding. If you dont enjoy it, then....

I think you’re fairly young, naive and being quite self centred tbh.

Your wedding is the most important thing in the world to you right now but it isn’t to everyone else and you need to accept that. The world doesn’t revolve around you.

You weren’t selfish to not want to cancel the dress fitting but you could have gone to see your friend either before or after the fitting surely. She’s just lost her Mother, a woman you say you were very close to, but you’re more concerned with your wedding?

You do sound rather melodramatic and exhausting, a bit like a hormonal teenager.

"Look so gorgeous that they will be shocked and stunned."

Cripes. This is exactly what Im talking about. It isnt a competition. Its a wedding. Is this really how some people live their lifes? Seeing their bloody weddings opportunities to shock and stun people on how glamorous and wealthy they are?

Very gently, OP - there is something lying underneath all this drama that may not seem to be directly connected to it, but which is very much to do with you. Maybe it's about how you relate to others - particularly your family and your DF's family. Maybe it's also about how you're really feeling about getting married, and what it means to you. Everything is getting whipped up around this one, small but very significant thing that's being masked at the centre of it all.

What is it?

Ok so, if very much summarised, things you picking up are things that I haven’t been clear on. I did go see my friend. Immediately. spent an entire evening with her.
So no I wasn’t putting my dress fitting over my friend, never ever would I do that.
My MoH just didn’t want to go so she suggested I cancel, not go that evening and go when I was supposed to do the dress thing. No reason for it other than she just thought it was bad planning and all of a sudden it didn’t suit her.
I was grateful all day and blown away by my hen: she just crashed once it happened and lashed out at me. The girl she knew best at the party, she wouldn’t be as close to many others there.

Why are your posts littered with american spellings? How old are you?

The update isn’t shedding any more light onto this for me.