I think i'm going to crack, what do I do? (long one)

[littleflatontheprairie]

It's a long one, I've name changed.
Ok, I can only summarise, what has gotten me to this point.

• getting married in 2.5 months to an amazing person, very happy to be his wife
• gone NC with my mother since Feb as she's cruel and horrible for many many reasons all my life and I've been incredibly strong and resilient but i'm struggling a lot now. It's hard even though I find it easier without her.
• new MIL and SIL to be decided to lash out at me and DP when we got engaged because they were stressed, quite a few times and the relationship deteriorated. We sorted it, they (eventually after lots of lies) admitted and apologized, but it took its toll on me, my DP and our relationship. That relationship with MIL and SIL to be is damaged, and they really are not trying with me to repair. it's very hurtful.
• My DB is not talking too other DB, he wouldn't attend his wedding in May, our family has basically fallen apart and we don't really talk to each other much, there is no support there

Summarise past week:

• guy that I work with and struggle with pushed me over the edge last Tuesday, after months of biting my tongue I snapped and we had it out. Nothing like crazy, just a large disagreement. I've flagged I struggle with him previously to mgt and this was kind of the straw that broke the camels back, and I've threatened to make a formal complaint. I'm very upset
• my hen party was this weekend. my MOH put lots of planning etc into it. 2 people backed out last minute which is always expected. One excuse was legit, her mum was very unwell and going for a very serious operation Monday after the hen on Saturday. The other couldn't get off work, lame excuse but I assume it's just a face for something else (and i know what that's like so fine).
• Saturday night mid hen, I learn that my friend's mom actually passed away Saturday evening. Now given everyone was there for me and having a good time, I went game face and pulled through, smiled and gave the night my all (even though I was dying inside). Her mom was very good to me, and my friend is VERY close to her mom, so i'm heartbroken for her. I don't know if she'll get through this really.
• Sunday morning wake up MoH is off with me, I ask why she's behaving weird. I asked had I done something, she said I did nothing. Basically, she wants me to leave and travel with other girls from hen to see my friend (we'd be passing my poor friends front door) says having to go see my wedding dress the next day is bad planning and suggests I cancel it to go see my friend instead of this evening. Given that I live far away and travel via plane to be with everyone more local which is where wedding dress shop is (well a bit of a drive), my days are numbered for this stuff and it was planned a long time to do this and I told her no pressure to attend, but she wanted to. She was cool as ice with me, I felt so bad so awkward, apologized for being such pain by her having to drive me and give up soo much time, but she did not make me feel better she let me know I was an inconvenience. She had a lot on and emotions caught up with her (she's not used to such mad times to be fair) and she has basically lashed out at me. Her reasons - I sent a text with a list of stuff to bring (shampoo, perfume, one item was me as a lol) and I asked her to get my handbag in the bar during hen - which I actually didn't. What actually happened was I said I left it unattended and need to go get it, she said she would and disappeared, even though I said I would too.. She goes off cried to my other BM and says I'm. ungrateful and mean!

I learned this tonight from my BM. I calmly call the MoH, she tells me she was just emotional and she is sorry I feel this way and she doesn't want it blown out of proportion.... I'm like 2 comments you've misinterpreted do not equate to treating me like shit for 2 days (given the circumstances) because you're tired. AIBU to be so hurt and offended by this? I was very calm and very clear on the phone, played a blinder if I do say so myself. She was VERY defensive and almost tried to put it back on me as though i was overreacting. I spent this evening just crying to DP. He's very upset with MoH, given the petty excuse.
Before I get a hard tome for bringing a Bridezilla, I'm not at all. All the girls needed to do was the hen, I didn't interfere, I've sorted everything else for wedding. I ask and demand nothing from them.

• In the meantime I get a text Monday morning at 7am from DB, telling me another DB is cheating on his DP, with whom he has 3 kids. No hey, how was your hen party?

I think I have lost it tonight. I've just broken. Everything has finally bubbled over and I can't take anymore. I thought my MoH was on my side, she knows I lack support form family. She has hurt me so much (doesn't realize or won't be accountable for her behavior).

AIBU not taking that crap from my MoH?

How do I begin to sort out emotions? I don't know what my next move is. help MN!
I fell into a scary depression a couple of years, ago over my DM. I fear I may slip back in unless I do something. It's supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and I just want it over.

You seem to be the center of all the drama!
You are the common denominator*

^^this.

Do grow up.

Yes I did say shocked and stunned, but obviously more of a turn of phrase that a 'shock and stun'. I was simply trying to help the poster feel a little more confident because she sounds so down, not to help her win a silly competition.
The poster has already said that she suffers from bad depression, and is afraid of it returning. She has no contact with her mother and sounds a little bit out of her depth.
Circumstances are out of her control and her wedding day is coming up fast so it's not surprising that she is stressed and emotional.
Maybe she does seem a little bit centred and over-invested but maybe she would benefit from support, not harsh criticism.
After all, she has asked for help.

When I have a period of lots of people having a go at me and it gets to me I sometimes sit down and work out whether there is any chance at all that I am being a bit over-sensitive. Or am behaving erratically.

Of course it could be that everyone else is being awful, that happens.

I also ‘played a blinder”’ because I could stop crying for 10 minutes and actually get my point clearly across. Not because I won an argument.
Not knowing me and my panic post last night which lacks detail doesn’t help.
Everything was planned weeks before now. MoH drove me to hen and dress fitting because I flew in. She wasn’t obliged to and she insisted I offered to hire a car and she was having none of it. So when she tries to back out last minute because she is tired and emotional, then lashes out at me, when I was incredibly grateful and complimentary and just enjoying myself, all day isn’t ok.

She hasn’t no pressure other than to do the hen, I put zero on. It didn’t cost much, I didn’t interfere etc. All I had to do was show up, and she was taking me.

So no, my ill written post is not painting a good picture which is fair. But it does lack a lot of detail.

Im not the cause of drama. I can’t bear drama. I am a very private person, I only convey a happy me, and keep all the shit going on in my life between me and my DP and some to my MoH. I’m under high pressure and the people I rely on have let me down. My MoH doing that at the weekend for no reason other than being tired, and the wave of relief and her adrenaline dried up. But that wasn’t my fault, so she should not for 2 days have taken it out on me.
The handbag thing was madness, she cried cause I asked her to get it and didn’t speak
To me for the rest of the night. All I actually said was, I left it in that room I gotta ge it; and she said she would,
I said I would, then she went and did it. Hardly enough to deserve 2 days of just shit treatment.
And the text of stuff she needed to grab stuff for hen party, because I couldn’t carry them on a plane, was not a demand, she asked what I needed. There was like 8 things, I listed them in a text and joked not forget me. There is no excuse to lash out.

Ok your update makes you sound slightly more reasonable. I think you should just sort things with MOH.
Emotions were clearly running high for everyone and she's clearly the kind of person you want in your life.
I think you should both just forget any conflict - don't ruin your wedding over some small differences.

Same with the in-laws. They apologised, just chill out and enjoy your wedding day.

The others are almost non-issues.
You're NC with your mom so that's not a problem.
Your brother cheating on his DP - very little you can do about that. Especially if you're not close.
And your colleague. Work is just work. Don't let it take over your life.

apologized for being such pain by her having to drive me and give up soo much time

Why did she HAVE to drive you? She did NOT have to, Seriously she did not want to but did anyway, she's a diamond in this saga of yours

You need to apologize to your MOH. You didn’t take her feelings into consideration. If you’re a good friend, you will tell her you were feeling stressed and did not appreciate her position.

You were in the wrong vis a vis your MOH.

So. Much. Drama.

And it all centres around you. Funny that.

MoH drove me to hen and dress fitting because I flew in. She wasn’t obliged to and she insisted I offered to hire a car and she was having none of it. So when she tries to back out last minute because she is tired and emotional, then lashes out at me, when I was incredibly grateful and complimentary and just enjoying myself, all day isn’t ok.

I see - I've family like this. Best thing to do is make arrangements not reliant on them and then thank them profusely for their offers of help - but its' all arranged and repeat.

It’s annoying especially if you fall for it again – but going forward make plans yourself and don’t let them change them. Then what ever they do is independent of you – and easier to deal with. Or first sign they want to drop out have a back up like taxi on stand by and just sort it.

Yes seriously just elope

@bigKiteFlying honestly that’s what I do, but this weekend my MoH said trust me it will be great. Then just lost it when it all happened. I was so stuck terribly upset over my friend and just apologising profusely for being so in the way.
Never again, I just thought I could rely on her. She has really hurt me, as the things she said I did, so not equate to 2 days of the ice queen treatment and backing out of long standing plans.

Really? Would people waste all the money spent on venue, food, flowers, etc and just elope?! Because OP is not going to get a refund on that 2 months before the wedding!

I hate when people dish advice that they won’t take.

littleflatontheprairie it does suck every time it's happened especially when it taken the joy of something or there obvious glee I’m then stuck.

You just have to take a deep breath and ignore as much as possible let it glide of you or put your foot down - (IL inviting guests to stop in our flat for the wedding weekend without consulting us was a bit much had to say no there).

Get a list tick of what's done - prioritise what's left - rope other half into that list - and ignore as much upset and drama as possible.

@SagAloojah. I would. Genuinely, i would. It is not worth this level of upset and 'high stress'. Honestly. I spent a fair amount of money on mine... But if i felt like this, i would have cancelled and eloped. This 'high stress' wedding planning stuff is complete nonsense. Life is stressful enough without creating it for no reason what so ever.

The pressure young women put on themselves over weddings now baffles me. And yes. I bet OP is young. She says her MOH was under no pressure except for the hen. OP, thats enough pressure. I bet this hen had all the bells and whistles. The wedding will too (if its been high stress to organise). And for what? So hee 'friends' will be shocked and jealous? So people can fall out with each other? So OP loses so much perspective she thinks her hen is so important her brother owes it to her to ask how it went? And that's before we get to the friend whos mother died.

Yes. To stop all this madness i would be prepared to lose the money. And i would treat it like an expensive lesson in putting my mental health first and not buying into the instagram perfect wedding (perfect life) idiocy.

Would people waste all the money spent on venue, food, flowers, etc and just elope?!

Depends what's been spent and what's still to spend and how bad the day might go.

It might well be worth writing off what's been spent and not sinking any more money into it - and having the kind of wedding the couple want.

It’s the extreme option though due to sunk cost facility – people don’t like to write of money that’s already been spent even when it might save money long term plus you've added complication of relationships with other people with wedding and risk of alienating them.

@bigKiteFlying wow sounds like you’ve got your hands full too. Thanks for empathising.
My MoH just text saying sorry she made me feel like crap, she just let the last month (which was unusually very busy for her which i supported her through kept her calm, guided her and did various bits to make it easier) get to her.
I am feeling it so bad because I needed her most this weekend. But she just broke under it all... which wasn’t at all my doing. She did so in a particularly nasty way.

My invites have gone out!
It’s too late, it goes ahead.
At the end of it, I will have an amazing husband. That’s what matters.
I’ll have also learned a lot along the way. But I’ll never feel more alone now on the build up. C’est la vie.

Im in my late 20’s and I’m texting off my phone which autocorrects me a lot.

Surprisingly, I have my own business, own house, relatively successful, active! So I’m not as unintelligent as my messages may have suggested. I’m just sinking

By calling this a MH crisis, you do a real disservice to people actually having a MH crisis

Who the fuck are you to make a call on weather it’s a crisis or not ? Do only things you approve of make the cut ? Having a nasty mother alone is enough to trigger one
Then add in family issues , bullying and general anxiety

It’s such a nasty thread . Yes she is being a drama llama as you so kindly state it

But that’s what happens in life and then something breaks people

I hope no one here has a MH issue triggered by something seemingly minor as it can and does happen to everyone

OP Look after yourself and your bereaved friend

((((Hug))))

yhrre have been some really nasty replies, but I’m pleased you seem to coping with them ok.

Going NC with a parent (no matter how beneficial it is) isn’t easy because you always want the ostent you deserve (not the one you have) and it’s a mindfuck especially at times like preparing for a wedding! You know your mother being involved would be hell, but it doesn’t stop you wishing things were different

God knows what went on with your MIL& SIL but if they’re not ‘trying’ to mend things, feel free not to bother either 🌷

Bloke at work - talk to management/HR/ him whatever, in work hours, get it sorted & leave it at work

MoH (nothing wrong with calling her that in your post either it’s better than friends a-z !!) sounds like an overly dramatic PITA (but hung about getting your handbag? What a fucking drama llama!!) and picking up a few things for a friend flying in is so not a big deal 🙄. Being difficult about taking you fir your dress fitting is horrible, she offered!!, put you off renting a car & said she wanted to go FFS, that’s NOT you being demanding.

However, only you know what she’s normally like. If it’s out of character then I’d try to see what’s up with her ... if she’s always like that then I’m not sure why you asked her to be your MoH

What would I do?

Drink. A lot!!

No seriously I’d take a couple of days out from thinking about anything wedding related. Spend time with DH2B and try to relax.

Then I’d deal with it by writing a list & working through it.

Doing anything at all that will reduce the stress & hassle...

Do something nice with DH2B tonight 💕
And take care of yourself 🌷

Thank you @IncrediblySadTooI I haven’t read half of the replies, I got the gist from a few and opted not to. I also realised I didn’t express myself too well, which is likely why I got such a hard time!

I may not have lost my mother this weekend, I actually grieve the one I don’t have, more than the one I do. It’s times like this when I see someone else’s world fall apart I get so upset that I have a healthy mother and she’s just cruel to me, has been for as long as I can remember. On a weekend like my own hen party I wish things were different so bad!

The list wasn’t stuff for MoH to buy, it was stuff in her house, just stuff any girl would have, I made sure she was not out of pocket at all!!
Despite what most people think here, she’s actually very very wrong, and was very nasty, for no reason other than tiredness. Now her busy month also consisted of 2 holidays + other work stuff. Hardly enough reason to undo her good work on the hen that she put in! It’s a shame for her really and for me. We are both very upset now!

I think she realises today the error of her ways! Yesterday when I calmly spoke to her about it and told her why I was so upset, she didn’t get it at all

User I have reported that

Just really unnecessarily unkind and nasty trolling . Sad sad sad creature

I agree completely @Pikapikachooo

I knew this thread would bring out wankers

I think she realises today the error of her ways!

But this makes it sound like you are perfect and have done absolutely nothing wrong, the fault is 100% with your MOH. In life, there is rarely anything that black and white. You seriously don't think you could have handled anything better in the entire situation?

Having spoken to my other BM, whom was brought into this (MoH cried to her after the awful handbag incident on the night out) and when we talked it all through. She was actually shocked that my MoH had blown things up. She felt bad for even believing I’d be so brash as to ask her to go get my handbag, and demand a list of things such as bring shampoo and plasters.

So, a 3rd party close to it, went... oh shit. This is not right... I’m sorry this has happened, don’t let it spoil your weekend!
It’s like.. well... how could it not.