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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked partner to miss his hobby?

241 replies

Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 00:28

Okay I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but I’m starting to think I might have been so I’d be interested to hear other opinions.

Partner does a hobby every Monday and Thursday morning meaning he leaves before the kids get up for school.

It’s sons birthday next week and he wanted to open his presents in the morning before school with us. All good.

I asked partner if he would miss one session so he could be there whilst son opened his presents. He said no he’s not missing it end of.

It’s caused quite a row. Aibu to think that he can miss one session a year for a child’s birthday? I feel like I’m probably just being over sensitive and owe him an apology but it’s really grated on me. Please shake some sense into me Blush

OP posts:
trinity0097 · 16/07/2019 12:38

I’d ring his gym and see if they could reschedule for a different day that week.

Hadalifeonce · 16/07/2019 12:40

I divorced over a hobby, lost count of the number of times I had to go to events on my own, and then explain I was on my own a DH was doing his hobby, he couldn't see a problem in not going to weddings, Christenings, funerals, birthdays etc. as he was doing his hobby. I was gradually loosing respect for him, when the subject of children came up, I knew he wouldn't be there, ever; so decided I wouldn't go down that route. I had a serious think about our entire relationship; realised I not only didn't respect him, I didn't actually love him anymore. He was so surprised when I told him; apparently it was all working well for him!

Socksontheradiator · 16/07/2019 12:42

He sounds awful.

jaseyraex · 16/07/2019 12:55

Jesus OP. How has he got you thinking this is all fine and normal? This goes way beyond missing present opening with the kids. He's been awful to you for such a long time. For perspective - when I hit hard with PND after our second baby, my DH took a 2 week holiday from work and barely left my side. When he went back to work, that was all he did. Straight to work and straight home until I was feeling better and coping more. He didn't bugger off for most of the day every day and leave me to it.
OP you deserve better. Someone that actually puts you and the kids first 99% of the time. I'd look at protecting yourself financially etc and be seriously thinking about your future with this man.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/07/2019 13:00

I think my concern, OP, is that you're focusing on the more superficial, incident by incident things, not the underlying issues. You're showing a bit of knee-jerk defensiveness here, which is consistent with an 'everyday battles' mentality but which will not help you open yourself up enough to examine what's going on underneath, how you really feel and what you want to do about it.

Your dd is very young, still one? So you're probably still in the thick of sleepless nights and surviving day to day and not yet in the right place in life, or mentally, to step back and find yourself space to think (though you could 'book' that time weekly, as 'your hobby'!)

So your PND is recent, 'the hobby' has been going on for less than two years, this is all very current. It sounds as though your pregnancy with dd and eveything that's happened since, has brought things into the open that weren't so obvious, or so stark, before.

My main impression is that you could do with some counselling.

Rosielily · 16/07/2019 13:14

What's your housing position? Do you rent or have a mortgage? Whose names is your home in?

LittleDoritt · 16/07/2019 13:20

God, he sounds awful. He doesn't sound "lovely" in the slightest. He's a selfish arse. And he's got you believing that you couldn't do better Sad Ugh.

Original poster
Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 13:23

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and for you all your advice. It really does mean a lot.

I don’t mean to be defensive, I suppose I feel awful for even implying he is a bad parent. I don’t think he isnt and I know he loves the kids. I’ve brought the lack of effort up a few times and he’s made me feel absolutely terrible for questioning him as a parent, even though I wasn’t even questioning his parenting he made me out to be totally in the wrong for bringing anything up that I end up apologising to him.

I know I posted about the birthday but it’s obviously just the tip of iceberg and there are deeper rooted issues I need to think about. So thank you all.

DS will open his presents in the morning. He’s said dd can help and she’ll love that. My friend will pop round in the morning and I’m sure we’ll do something with dp after school.

Yes dd is one but is nearly two, I’ve been back to work over a year now so yes it’s recent but doesn’t feel it Iyswim. Luckily she sleeps well at night Smile.

Thank you all again for all your advice, I’ve certainly got a few things to mull over. Flowers

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 16/07/2019 13:33

to be fair the money thing sounds worse than it is. He’ll send me any money that I need out of the ‘spare’ money we have I’m just a terrible spender so I’d rather not have direct access myself!
OP, as a working mother of two small children, only able to work part time (if I've read this correctly) you really do need to get a firmer control on your finances I'm afraid. What would happen if you and your partner split - are you secure financially?

You really don't have a properly supportive partner if he isn't investing more quality time in his own children, which he wanted to have with you. Instead sounds self centred and selfish, especially where his children are concerned.

Your DS is already beginning to recognise where he fits in with his dad and, if this continues, so will then so will your daughter.
He’s said oh I’m taking the kids out with so and so from work. Great i think . And then they cancel so he changes his mind.

He’s just really self absorbed about this stuff. Would rather talk about what he did at the gym how much weight he’s gained how amazing his body is etc rather than what ds did at school for example.

Your partner quite clearly puts his hobby before you too even when you are sick and ask for his help, yet you flex your own life so he can attend social events with his friends. How is this acceptable?

He has them Saturday afternoon/night whilst I’m at work.
That's surely a given and the very minimum he should be doing.

BlackCatSleeping · 16/07/2019 13:38

Honestly, he sounds like a narcissist.

If I were you I’d do some reading about being married to a narcissist and see if it resonates.

DarlingNikita · 16/07/2019 13:51

He does the school run he’ll take them to the corner shop down the road etc it’s just anything that involves a decent amount of effort. Cannot remember the last time he took ds to the park/cinema/soft play etc. It must have been last year at some point.

He engages with them at home but often whilst he’s on the Xbox/watching a film etc. will occasionally sit and play but not often.

He has them Saturday afternoon/night whilst I’m at work.

OP, imagine a man saying these things about a woman. How would you feel about her/how do you think the responses would go?

EKGEMS · 16/07/2019 14:18

"He's just a bit selfish as he refuses to do activities out" Wow you are seriously minimizing his bare minimum parenting effort. What a father!

mussolini9 · 16/07/2019 14:29

Martial arts training requires strict discipline—you have other options for gift-opening times; he has only one time when he can attend the class.

@HopelessLayout, OP's partner has 104 training sessions a year, but only ONE son's birthday every year. Are you seriously maintaining that one of his gym sessions ought to take precedence over his son's happiness?

Why are you making excuses for him?
One of my oldest pals is a 6th Dan black belt. His strict discipline in maintaining his amazing skills do NOT make him act like a selfish, arrogant, controlling arsehole to his children.

mussolini9 · 16/07/2019 14:47

I definitely could not do better.

@Passmethemalibu ... apologies as I am going to be blunt.
What on earth makes you feel this way?
Could it be anything to do with being ground down by being told your relationship is over if you refused to knuckle under & produce a 2nd child, abandoned to get on with it while suffering from PND, constantly underminded in your attempts to have a family life, & generally put down as never as important as his hobby?

You can definitely do better. Your partner is no prize. You might be amazed ... one day in the future ... to rediscover what it feel like to be properly loved & cherished by a supportive partner.
In he meantime, you might be amazed at how much better you could feel about yourself when you are not constantly appeasing & deferring to a selfish prick of a partner.
It really sounds like he calls ALL the shots. Is that something you want to live with for the rest of your life? How about YOU get a 'hobby' ie time out once a week to address some of these issues with a counsellor?

ReanimatedSGB · 16/07/2019 15:05

I'm quite concerned for you, OP. Who taught you that you were worthless, just a 'woman', fit only to provide a Wonderful Fantastic wanker Man with domestic service, children he can occasionally show off as proof that his dick works, and abject submission? Was your father abusive to your mother, or did you have a previous partner who was physically violent or sexually abusive?
Because this musclebound shitbag you have in your life at the moment is grooming you to accept increasing levels of abuse. You are being financially controlled and mentally ground down by his refusal to treat you with anything approaching human decency.

I hope you will dump him, but I expect you're a long way from ready. However, MN will be here when you need us.

Shelby2010 · 16/07/2019 15:27

Sadly he sounds worse with every post you make, even though it’s obvious you’re trying to defend him.

Since my DDs have been at school I’ve taken the day off work or gone in late so we can open presents. Because it’s important to them. And more important that they see I make the effort to put them first when possible.

firstimemamma · 16/07/2019 15:37

Yanbu. Both parents should put their children first at all times, not just you. How selfish of him. What kind of message does it send to your child? I'm really sorry Thanks

Jengnr · 16/07/2019 15:45

He’s a shit dad and a shit partner. You can 100% do better.

LannieDuck · 16/07/2019 15:55

He sounds awful, OP. I can't believe he was so unsupportive of you during PND when he was the one that wanted the baby. And I still can't believe he refuses to skip his hobby when you're ill.

You've apologise a lot on this thread, with no reason to. And you say that you apologise to your DH a lot. Has he ever apologised to you for how he treated you when you had PND?

thecatsthecats · 16/07/2019 15:58

I'm sorry to say this OP, but this man has less interest in parenting your children than my husband has in 'parenting' our cats.

The soft bastard actually cancelled going to the gym the other evening 'because we'd been away all weekend and he'd missed them and they missed us'. His love doesn't just manifest itself in 'occasionally saying or doing nice things'. He takes effort to care for their physical needs, their habits, their likes and dislikes (I groom them too roughly apparently Hmm).

I'll say that again. Your husband cares less for his human progeny than my husband does for his pets. That should appal you.

I'd be on my way out the door, I'd not be waiting for him to change, because a decent human being wouldn't need telling in the first place, and I'm not in this life to make other people better humans! You and your kids deserve better.

pallisers · 16/07/2019 16:10

I’ve brought the lack of effort up a few times and he’s made me feel absolutely terrible for questioning him as a parent, even though I wasn’t even questioning his parenting he made me out to be totally in the wrong for bringing anything up that I end up apologising to him.

boy has he done a number on you.

I find it interesting that he really pushed you to have another baby when you were back at a job you loved and didn't want to leave.

I think he has you completely under his control and it was done very very deliberately.

flumposie · 16/07/2019 16:30

He sounds totally self absorbed. Awful.

callmeadoctor · 16/07/2019 16:54

You seemed to have turned into his housekeeper, Op! (thats awful)

Whosorrynow · 16/07/2019 17:34

I’ve brought the lack of effort up a few times and he’s made me feel absolutely terrible for questioning him as a parent
he cant tolerate being in the wrong and so he punishes you for your insubordination, how dare you challenge or question him!

StormTreader · 16/07/2019 18:06

He's got a nice thing going, hasn't he?
He chooses to be out all morning at the gym, chooses to be at work late so you have to do all the child work, and then at the weekend is just too tired from all the time hes spent on himself that he needs the weekends off too.

The few times you do see him, you have to pander to his ego while he struts around showing off the muscles hes got because he has all this free time to spend on them while you have to nod and smile and coo.

It doesnt surprise me he doesnt give a crap about your sons birthday, he hasnt cared about anyone else all the rest of the time so why should this be any different?