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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked partner to miss his hobby?

241 replies

Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 00:28

Okay I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but I’m starting to think I might have been so I’d be interested to hear other opinions.

Partner does a hobby every Monday and Thursday morning meaning he leaves before the kids get up for school.

It’s sons birthday next week and he wanted to open his presents in the morning before school with us. All good.

I asked partner if he would miss one session so he could be there whilst son opened his presents. He said no he’s not missing it end of.

It’s caused quite a row. Aibu to think that he can miss one session a year for a child’s birthday? I feel like I’m probably just being over sensitive and owe him an apology but it’s really grated on me. Please shake some sense into me Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 10:03

They’re 3-4hours long! It’s round the corner from his work so it’s the same 1.5 hour commute. Would be a lot easier if we drove I admit and I’m working on that Smile

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/07/2019 10:04

You are not married? Have you protected yourself financially? Property in joint names etc.

LillithsFamiliar · 16/07/2019 10:05

Your DP is an arse but your DS sounds lovely. I'm glad he decided to open the presents without his DF. Your son has the measure of his dad.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/07/2019 10:05

I'm struggling to understand how you think you're selfish in all this. He's got you well trained.

Myriade · 16/07/2019 10:06

He’s perfectly fine and lovely in every other way minus this.

Fine? I think you must have a different idea than me of what being fine means.
He left you in your own when you had a newborn, struggling with that stage AS HE PERFECTLY WELL KNEW as well as PND but thought the best thing to do was to spend even less time with you and go to the gym??
Clearly he didn’t think that insisting to have another child up to the point of making it a dal breaker, also involved him actually chipping in and making some efforts to make it easier for you. Instead he CHOOSE to make it even more difficult.

And now he also think that doing something for his own child, ONE OF THE TWO CHILDREN HE DESPERATELY WANTED, isn’t worth doing if it has some impact on his hobby.

Right, can you tell me exactly how he is ever showing he actually has any interest in those children? And how he is showing how important they are to him?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/07/2019 10:06

Hopeless

Does the disciplined nature of martial arts stretch to refusing to miss sessions when your partner is ill, has work meetings or PND.

MoodLighting · 16/07/2019 10:06

My goodness - it is not selfish to need help with a newborn and another child! You're not "unsupportive" - he is.

HopelessLayout · 16/07/2019 10:10

ChazsBrilliantAttitude In all of those circumstances you mentioned, yes.

Can you see where this would end up? He would miss sessions regularly and would lose the mindset you need.

Unless there is a life-and-death scenario that requires his immediate presence, the DH has committed to these sessions and the OP should support that. Surely a big part of having a partner is about helping them to fulfill their own goals and ambitions?

PlinkPlink · 16/07/2019 10:14

Your OH sounds like a tosser. A selfish tosser.

You don't have hobbies of your own (I'm with you there -though when DS starts going to school I do plan on going back to choir), you do the majority of the childcare given his long working hours and he can't spare ONE gym session or rearrange it to another day because he doesn't want to.

What a selfish prick.

My family have always made a big deal out birthdays and opening presents. It was great as a kid. It was so exciting and special. I will always remember mine when I was growing up. Christmas was the same too. My DSis and I would open our stocking (pillowcases) on my parents bed and be super excited. It was great.

You are doing a lovely thing for your son. Perhaps you will want to remind your OH that your son will remember his attitude. Your son will be disappointed that his dad wasn't there. He will probably remember it too (I'm assuming he's old enough).

Your OH is entitled to have a hobby. He is not entitled to have a hobby at the expense of your sanity or your family. He sounds completely wrapped up in himself.

Original poster
Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 10:15

I’d never expect him to miss sessions regularly. I’m not regularly ill. The kids only have one birthday a year Hmm. It wasn’t a case of I have a cold miss training please I couldn’t physically move away from the bathroom!

I have done nothing but support him with this hobby at my own expense - at home and at work!

OP posts:
Myriade · 16/07/2019 10:15

@HopelessLayout two questions for you

  • is gettting extra early or wait for him to be back from work at 11.00pm an option for a young child? The only viable option he gave is to do it wo him. The OP gave him another choice which is ALWAYS rejected. No compromise ever (Bar being on death bed in hospital). How is that fair ON THE CHILD?
  • are you seriously saying that being present for his child, the one he was ever so desperate to have, is never as important that his training? The one he is doing as an amateur. The one he could have done on another day. The one he chose to start just when his partner needed him the most.

@Passmethemalibu, fwiw my H did something similar (activity that took him away from home just after Dc1 birth). It was a way to AVOID being at home. Just like your DP is doing now. Having a ready made excuse to get away from being a parent.

Nesssie · 16/07/2019 10:17

This thread is so so sad. He refused to parent his own child when you were ill. That is disgusting behaviour.

Why would you allow yourself to be treated like that? Would you be happy if your daughter grew up and was treated like that?

I would be telling him this was a big tipping point for you and you need space to think. He needs to realise this is no ok.

SlothMama · 16/07/2019 10:17

Your partner is being incredibly selfish, it is one gym session you've asked him to miss. He could go later in the day whilst your son is at school.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/07/2019 10:19

I think your son has made a good choice - also one that begins to assert his autonomy and his own path for the future. Let's hope the personal trainer provides great comfort to your DH in his old age.

Practically though, I do wonder why you didn't talk to DH first, then agree to open presents after school and 'sell' that to your son as 'the plan'. Perhaps you always open them in the morning and its expected? That is actually quite an important detail here.

It's just that you say in your OP he wanted to open his presents in the morning before school with us. All good. But it's not 'all good' at all, is it. It makes me wonder where the idea of opening in the morning had come from and why you agreed it with your son, before checking your DH's availability? There is a hint here that you 'set up your DH to fail' and are quite happy to see a wedge develop between him and DS.

More broadly, the unwillingess to step in when you're ill is dreadful (do you have someone else to turn to?) and the taking up of the hobby when you had PND and such long days is really, really bad. Classic selfish male behaviour, sadly; 'Oh this baby-parenting thing's a load of tedious, relentless work - time to take up marathon training!'.

I'm really struck by this paragraph, as you have the concepts 'support' and 'selfish' so utterly confused that it doesn't make sense: Then when he started to take up this hobby a couple of them days went from 13 hours to leaving at 6.30am and coming back at 10.30pm. I suffered awful pnd and felt quite alone a lot of the time so obviously to add the hobby in at that time I was a bit gutted. I wasn’t particularly supportive of it and I was admittedly quite selfish.

True facts: He was unsupportive. He was selfish. You were entirely reasonable to feel gutted, unsupported, disappointed, angry, hostile towards the hobby, tricked and unloved. Everybody in the world can see that.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/07/2019 10:20

whereas you have given him only one yes, pretend you love your child more than your hobby and be there for him. Getting up at 4 am or whatever time is ridiculous for the kids. DS understandably wants to get up and open his presents cos he's a kid and they get excited.
The option the partner has given is "accept you and the kids are not as important enough to me and my hobby" which makes him a shit partner and a shit Dad

Myriade · 16/07/2019 10:20

@HopelessLayout, if he was loosing his mindset by missing 3 or 4 of his training each year, then he doesn’t have much of a mindset tbh.

And if you look at the philosophy underpinning martial arts, it implies RESPECT of people. And that includes your family members. If you can’t show respect too your close ones, how will you show respect to your attacker or the annoying guy two rows behind you?

Mitzicoco · 16/07/2019 10:20

He sounds like a dick.

Solittletimenow · 16/07/2019 10:22

Martial arts does require a lot of discipline yes...and yet somehow my DP managed to make it to black belt and win several competitions without ignoring the big events in our 3 kids lives. What a bullshit excuse.

stucknoue · 16/07/2019 10:23

Sorry but it's a common theme, men prioritising themselves over their family.

Open the presents without him, he's being selfish

HopelessLayout · 16/07/2019 10:24

@Myriade getting up early is not difficult for an excited child who can't wait to open his birthday presents. The kids in my family are up at 5am on Christmas mornings waiting impatiently for the adults to wake up!

The training is clearly important to him. It likely has huge mental as well as physical benefits. The DH clearly needs to do this, and yes it is more important than watching a child open birthday presents!

@Passmethemalibu I'm glad to hear you are supportive. You mention "kids" now, so it's not just one day a year that you would be asking him to skip training. If he only trains twice a week, missing one session will have a large impact on him both mentally and physically. I would let it rest.

thetimekeeper · 16/07/2019 10:26

but he did add on that if I was dying in hospital then he would but anything else is a no.

What a guy! It's a travesty he hasn't had a knighthood yet.

Because really, once you're dead you won't know or care whether or not he'd visited you in hospital at the end. So to commit to putting himself out like that when arguably it wouldn't matter, well.. That's really special, isn't it?

Original poster
Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 10:26

I set him up to fail and I’m happy to see a wedge between them? What on earth Confused I’m genuinely unsure where that has even come from and find it a little offensive. I do nothing but try to get him to do things with the ds/dd take them out on a weekend etc he doesn’t want to. He never wants to come out with us he’s always offered etc when possible. They don’t have a bad relationship, I am not driving any wedge nor have I set him up to fail. I do everything I can to maintain it!

It was mentioned that he wanted to open presents in the morning and dp said nothing about not being there etc. I just assumed he wasn’t going to go that day. I admit I’m wrong in that respect. Always done in the morning but this is the first time he’s ever been at school on his birthday so it’s a new thing. Normally they’ve broken up before.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/07/2019 10:27

getting up early is not difficult for an excited child who can't wait to open his birthday presents maybe not, but he's presumably got school to get through, and then all ong say til bedtime. Screwing up bedroutines over a fortnight's holiday (Christmas) is entirely different to a random school day

The training is clearly more important to him than the kids he chose to have

Pinktinker · 16/07/2019 10:29

YANBU at all, he should want to be there for his son.

VenusTiger · 16/07/2019 10:31

Sounds to me like this will be the same every single year.... so tell him that and tell him your DC will remember that!

All the photos of him blowing out candles every year... “where was your dad?” .....”at the gym”

I mean ffs he needs to realise he’s being a d**k