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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked partner to miss his hobby?

241 replies

Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 00:28

Okay I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but I’m starting to think I might have been so I’d be interested to hear other opinions.

Partner does a hobby every Monday and Thursday morning meaning he leaves before the kids get up for school.

It’s sons birthday next week and he wanted to open his presents in the morning before school with us. All good.

I asked partner if he would miss one session so he could be there whilst son opened his presents. He said no he’s not missing it end of.

It’s caused quite a row. Aibu to think that he can miss one session a year for a child’s birthday? I feel like I’m probably just being over sensitive and owe him an apology but it’s really grated on me. Please shake some sense into me Blush

OP posts:
Vesperia · 16/07/2019 11:34

Does he suffer with OCD at all OP?

Original poster
Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 11:35

I only assumed he wouldn’t be going as when I mentioned that we will do the presents in the morning he didn’t say he wouldn’t be there. Therefore I’d assumed he’d just take the day at home. I’ve already admitted I was wrong.

I don’t think he’s ashamed to be seen out with them in public he just doesn’t want to go anywhere. Would rather sit and watch a film play on the Xbox stay in the house. He won’t go shopping etc he generally won’t go anywhere unless it suits him aka training.

OP posts:
Original poster
Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 11:38

No he doesn’t suffer with ocd. He’s just really self absorbed about this stuff. Would rather talk about what he did at the gym how much weight he’s gained how amazing his body is etc rather than what ds did at school for example.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/07/2019 11:38

He’s not a set in a routine person he’s just a bit selfish

I think you added an unnecessary word there

lottiegarbanzo · 16/07/2019 11:41

This isn't about whether you or he are right or wrong. It's about whether you can reconcile yourself to the reality of life with your husband.

EKGEMS · 16/07/2019 11:41

Ask him how's he going to schedule his bloody hobby when you divorce him and he has shared custody!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/07/2019 11:44

Ask him how's he going to schedule his bloody hobby when you divorce him and he has shared custody!

Bloody great comment. Sorry, but with each post you make about him, he sounds more and more self-absorbed and selfish. He doesn't care about his kids, that much is obvious.

Do you really want this for the rest of your life? Is this what you want them to grow up and remember?

Vesperia · 16/07/2019 11:45

it does like like a bit of an obsession - I wouldn't stand for it to be honest

Personal trainer a woman by any chance?

Whosorrynow · 16/07/2019 11:47

So he's never out in public with his kids, he never plays with them in the park or anything like that?
He won't do anything where other people can see him acting like a parent?

Whosorrynow · 16/07/2019 11:50

So the focus of his life, his highest priority the thing he values most is his own vanity, how good he looks, his sense of masculine superiority about his martial arts ability, his physique

He views himself as a work of art, you're lucky that you just get to look at him aren't you

BarbedBloom · 16/07/2019 11:50

With every post he sounds worse and worse. Completely selfish, doesn't sound that interested in his kids if he can't look up from the xbox or ever go anywhere if he doesn't want to. Leaves you when you are seriously ill or suffering from PND. I honestly couldn't stay with someone like this

Rosielily · 16/07/2019 11:50

You said earlier that he has cost you money with this hobby.

What's he like in all the other aspects of your life together? Finances, mortgage/rent etc. Does the hobby leave you short financially as well as emotionally. Who pays for child related costs - clothes, child care etc.

BookwormMe2 · 16/07/2019 12:00

Ugh, the more you post, the more unappealing he sounds, OP. Why are you tolerating him being such a crap dad?

Blueoasis · 16/07/2019 12:01

I was also wondering if the personal trainer a woman. Or I'd bet there is a woman there he is interested in.

Shame there's no way to publicly humiliate him there really. He needs a reality check on what being a parent is, and if other people think he is a knob he may just change. But I doubt it. He's just a knob. Wants to be a Disney dad only.

You should arrange to be away for a week one time and leave him with no help. Let him see what being a parent means.

Whosorrynow · 16/07/2019 12:03

if you left this man alone and forced him to be a parent for a week he would punish you by deliberately neglecting the child

caringcarer · 16/07/2019 12:13

OP my dh has recently been diagnosed with a brain tumour, Polycythemia Vera and now last months Addison's disease. He is so very ill and having to work form home a lot as too ill to travel in to office. He is a great Dad and he would not miss watching child's cricket matches for anything in the world. He watches two matches lasting about 3 hours each every week in summer. He even wanted to come and watch him when he played in Wales last Sunday. Most parents would do the same. Your husband is a poor Dad and sounds like a lousy partner if he won't even help with his own child when you are ill. He is selfish beyond belief. I would not tolerate this. Your poor son will grow up knowing his Dad does not care enough about him to make any effort for him. He will see his friends Dad's showing lots of love and support for their children and he will grow up feeling not good enough. This would be a deal breaker for me as would refusing to help if I was feeling really ill.

Original poster
Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 12:13

He does the school run he’ll take them to the corner shop down the road etc it’s just anything that involves a decent amount of effort. Cannot remember the last time he took ds to the park/cinema/soft play etc. It must have been last year at some point.

Finances everything essential comes out of mine. His travel expenses and everything non essential comes out of his like Christmas birthdays clothes etc. He doesn’t like spending money generally whereas I’m terrible for it Blush.

He pays for the sessions a week but not much I don’t think. But the tubs of protein powder etc can be really costly. The last one cost 26 pound and you don’t get much out of it.

They’d be fine with him alone. I mean they’d be fed clothed etc they just wouldn’t go out and do anything fun I guess.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 16/07/2019 12:17

I am sure you could do so much better than this OP.

RavenLG · 16/07/2019 12:18

yes it is more important than watching a child open birthday presents
I don't even have kids but I can say with confidence this awful and I feel for your kids if you have them.
"Sorry kids, MY selfish wants come before you ALL the time, so no I'm not going to celebrate your birthday when YOU want to, only on MY terms" .. fucking horrible and no wonder there are so many threads about going NC with parents after demonstrating narcissistic behaviours.

OP, I'd give your 'D'P 2 options, stay and open presents or fuck off and leave. He doesn't sound like he contributes to parenting in the slightest anyway and your children will be affected by his selfish and narcissistic behaviour growing up. Don't like your child become this horrible excuse for a man.

Myriade · 16/07/2019 12:18

So basically he is living from you and is only putting money for exceptional stuff such as hols?
He is taking you for a mug.

Original poster
Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 12:26

to be fair the money thing sounds worse than it is. He’ll send me any money that I need out of the ‘spare’ money we have I’m just a terrible spender so I’d rather not have direct access myself!

I definitely could not do better. I’m certainly not perfect myself and we have a generally good relationship just the lack of effort in going out doing anything with the kids and the training obsession is getting a bit tiring.

I try be interested in his fighting and training but a lot of the time it’s all he talks about. I try I really do but after the 100th time of seeing how big his muscles are getting, I’m just getting a little exhausted by it!

OP posts:
Jeezoh · 16/07/2019 12:27

You need to up your standards OP, he sounds like an absolute joke! He’s more than a bit selfish, it sounds like he unilaterally opts out of any part of being a partner or a dad if it doesn’t suit him. You sound amazingly calm about it all, I’d be raging. I hope the birthday issue is the straw that breaks the camels back, he’s setting an awful example to your kids.

Myriade · 16/07/2019 12:34

@Passmethemalibu that’s not the point.
The point is that he should be paying 50% of the common costs such as electricity, rent/mortgage, telephone etc etc
You are not married so no common pot of money and whatever is yours is mine too.
You need to start protecting yourself financially too.

And there is no wonder you can’t be arsed to be interested by ‘his muscles’. It’s all ME ME ME. When is the last time he asked you a question about YOU?

RandomMess · 16/07/2019 12:35

He is utterly selfish, he sounds like a teenager still...

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 16/07/2019 12:37

This is so sad, and sadder that he has you ground down to accepting it.

Spending time with them while watching a film and on the xbox is NOT spending time with them.

He'd rather talk about himself and his fitness than hear about his children's day at school.

It's not normal, he may have you thinking it is but it's not. It is NOT. So he does the school run, whoop de do. Takes more than that to be decent dad.

I imagine it's hard to hear the person you've chosen to spend your life with and create children with is a selfish shit. At the moment I don't think you want to rock the boat or push for change so I'll say just take care of yourself, don't put yourself out for him, he wouldn't for you and I think you know that.