To have asked partner to miss his hobby?

[Passmethemalibu]

Okay I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but I’m starting to think I might have been so I’d be interested to hear other opinions.

Partner does a hobby every Monday and Thursday morning meaning he leaves before the kids get up for school.

It’s sons birthday next week and he wanted to open his presents in the morning before school with us. All good.

I asked partner if he would miss one session so he could be there whilst son opened his presents. He said no he’s not missing it end of.

It’s caused quite a row. Aibu to think that he can miss one session a year for a child’s birthday? I feel like I’m probably just being over sensitive and owe him an apology but it’s really grated on me. Please shake some sense into me

I can believe your DH would rather go and train than watch his own son open his birthday presents. Dreadful excuse for a man and a really shit father.

You are not over-reacting. You are not a 'nag'. This is horrible. Your poor son. He'll grow up remembering he wasn't very important at all to his father.

CAN'T not can!

He apparently can’t go any later as they’re personal trainer sessions at a certain time. I’ve asked this before when I’ve been poorly and asked if he can do the school run then go and have been met with a resounding no it’s has to be at x time!

How convenient. So your poor DH simply CANNOT parent his child while his wife is sick, or attend his child's birthday present opening.
Obviously his hobby must take priority over his wife's health & his child's excitement over their birthday, & his actions have nothing to do with being a selfish dick.

I don't know how you are going to get past this level of self-absorbed twattery OP. But rest assured, it's not YOU that needs sense shaking into. Is DH aware of how astonishingly cold & unreasonable he is being? - or maybe he simply doesn't care. I would feel frustrated & let down by the refusal of the school run (why is it only YOUR job?) but devastated & contemptuous of the way he is treating his child on their birthday. And I would be voicing that contempt loud & clear.

Do you feel able to do that? - & if not why not ...? because I suspect that your DH probably also lays down the law in terms of how far & how often his wife is 'allowed' to challenge him.
I hope your kid has a very happy birthday OP, & that you can find some method of getting through to your thick-skinned & self-centred spouse.

OP - Sorry? You had a baby for him and he then took up some martial arts 'hobby' and complains that you are not supportive?

I'll bet my house he was as supportive to YOU then as he is now. ie Not at all. So he'd drop a session if you were dying in hospital? What if you did die? (god forbid) What would he do for childcare then? How would he do school runs and 'hobby' then?

How would he do his share if you separate?

Christ OP he has to be a prick in other ways, what other shit do you put up with?

He sounds like an absolute knob.

And you just take it.

I find this mind boggling. DH is a big gym person but some of his favourite classes he has to miss to accommodate family events. And then he makes them up with other classes, that might not be quite as good as his preferred class, but still.

Clearly it's a bigger issue here though in that he's made it clear he is not going to support or prioritise you or DS.

I am not normally the "tit for tat" type, but I guess it's time for you to be committed to gym sessions twice a week that can't be changed for anything?

Oh come on juells it’s totally normal for a family to watch a young child open birthday presents, especially the presents from the family themselves. I’m really not a Big Ceremony type of person at all, but when it’s one of the DC birthdays it’s normal to try to be there unless it’s unavoidable. It’s the kind of thing a child will remember - not so much him just not being there, but the fact that he prioritised his hobby above everyone else’s time and feelings, even on kids’ birthdays.

The school run etc stuff just confirms that he’s a selfish arse. I’d probably lose all respect for him and the relationship would be doomed.

Juells - you'd rather do a mundane, everyday thing like a hobby, rather than watch your child open his/her birthday presents? Is that what you are saying? You think it's boring to watch The Opening of the Presents? That you've thought about, organised, bought, wrapped, hidden and waited for The Day?

Ok then. Your child is probably having lots of 'One day A Year'/special things that you will never even know about, if you care so little about them.

Blimey I thought most people sat and watched their kids open their presents and enjoyed it. Am I that out of touch . I know it’s not a massive ceremony? I’m not even trying to make it one I just naturally assumed if it’s your child’s birthday and you can be there in the morning you would be. I guess this is why I started to think I might be being unreasonable after all and I’m happy to take it on board. Though I’m not sure my kids will think the world revolves around them because their parents watched them open their presents on their birthday.

Seems the general opinion is with me though.

His brithday I was at work he was off as it was a weekend. We went out for a meal after id finished. My birthday is two days away and we’re both at work so nothing will be happening. Totally fine with this as I don’t celebrate my birthday anyway like I’ve said I’m really not a huge deal over birthdays person I just thought children’s were a bit different.

Minus work and his hobby he doesn’t do anything else. He’ll occasionally have a night out with people from work and yes I’ve swapped shifts in the past so he can do this. My work is a bit more flexible than he so that’s fine he can’t really take time off or switch stuff around for me and I’d never expect him to. I don’t really go out or do anything or have any hobbies that need his support etc I’m quite a boring person I’ll be honest.

Anyway small update asked ds if he’d like to wait until after school to open presents or do it without his dad. He asked why and then said do it without so that’s what we’ll do . Maybe not a massive deal in the grand scheme of things, it’s probably just the last straw of the wider picture I guess!

Its not normal to be so rigid to not cover sickness or birthday traditions - there are other days of the week

I'd be tempted to lace one of his pre-hobby-day evening meals with a laxative so that the following morning he wouldn't be able to go ad would have to spend the entire morning in the lavatory.

He's a twat.

He’ll occasionally have a night out with people from work and yes I’ve swapped shifts in the past so he can do this.

NEVER do this again.

He won't make a tiny concession to bring joy to his child - stuff him!

I'd tell him to go fuck himself and have a lovely day with your kids. I'd also be telling him to sort his fucking priorities out, his kids will not thank him for his arsehole selfish behaviour.

YANBU at all.
What an utter arse. Not sure why he married you and had children with you, sounds like he should marry his trainer instead!

This thread reminded me of this blog

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

It’s not about the trigger event, it’s about what it is saying about your place in your DH’s life

Don't get your son up early on his birthday to open presents before the gym session - that is just pandering to your husband selfishness. He is just not interested in watching his child open his presents. Squats, burpees and dead lifts are higher on his agenda...

I think you should open them in the morning without him or maybe leave one present to open with the father when back from school if the father really cares.... (which he doesn't)

You would be a killjoy to make your son wait all day to open gifts with a father who is not bothered.

Have a lovely exciting morning with your son and let him go to school all happy and upbeat about the gifts he has just received.

Yep that’s the gist of it. He wanted a second baby I didn’t. Disclaimer I utterly adore my dd and would never ever change her for the world but I really struggled with the baby stage and didn’t think I’d be able to do it again. Ds was in school sleeping through I was back at work which I didn’t want to leave from as I enjoyed my job it got me out the house etc. I was very happy with one child. He really wanted a second and it became a bit of a make or break decision. Anyway I agreed to have another and we did and she is bloody amazing.

Again though I round the baby stage really hard. Dp works 10 hour shifts but with a 1.5 hour commute each way taking into account public transport (we don’t drive) so was out the house 13 hours a day five days a week as it was.

Then when he started to take up this hobby a couple of them days went from 13 hours to leaving at 6.30am and coming back at 10.30pm. I suffered awful pnd and felt quite alone a lot of the time so obviously to add the hobby in at that time I was a bit gutted. I wasn’t particularly supportive of it and I was admittedly quite selfish.

Obviously things have improved immensely And I am really supportive now of him doing this. I’ve no time to do a hobby or my own really as he works till 11pm every day and i work on the Saturday so Sunday is the only free day I could do it and we’ll i like it I spend Sunday with the kids!

God sorry for the pointless and long back story. It’s been quite therapeutic though! I could show him the thread but he’s one of these people who would still admit they’re right and find the one person who agrees with him and use that.

He’s perfectly fine and lovely in every other way minus this.

I was horrified by your OP but then your update says your dh has taken a day off work? If he normally goes to the gym before work/school will your son even be awake before he’s back? Can you not do presents at 8/9am? That’s not too long to wait especially if you’ve got all day together with your dh off work. That does change things.

Honestly, he sounds like a selfish arsehole and I wouldn't lift a finger to make his life easier ever again.

We’re not married and he only started this hobby after second child was born. I didn’t foresee this.

Museumum, he will leave quite early in the morning and then be at the gym until 12pm. He’d be back around 1.30 but ds is at school do cannot do it at 8/9am.

I wasn’t particularly supportive of it and I was admittedly quite selfish.

You had a newborn, PND and he started a hobby alongside a really long working day. That's not you being selfish, that's him being selfish. He's done a number on you if you feel like you were in the wrong.

You get not time to yourself because of him- where is the balance in your relationship?

To not even change his hobby when you are poorly is just awful.

Stop changing shifts so he can go out for a start. You do need a serious chat here though or it will kill any feelings you have for him long term.

Hang on, just how long are his gym sessions? All morning?!

I think his gym bag might go missing!

Well he has given you three options (get up super early so he can open them before he leaves, do the presents without him or wait til after school whereas you have given him only one. Sorry but I think YABU.

Martial arts training requires strict discipline—you have other options for gift-opening times; he has only one time when he can attend the class.