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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked partner to miss his hobby?

241 replies

Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 00:28

Okay I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but I’m starting to think I might have been so I’d be interested to hear other opinions.

Partner does a hobby every Monday and Thursday morning meaning he leaves before the kids get up for school.

It’s sons birthday next week and he wanted to open his presents in the morning before school with us. All good.

I asked partner if he would miss one session so he could be there whilst son opened his presents. He said no he’s not missing it end of.

It’s caused quite a row. Aibu to think that he can miss one session a year for a child’s birthday? I feel like I’m probably just being over sensitive and owe him an apology but it’s really grated on me. Please shake some sense into me Blush

OP posts:
MummBraTheEverLeaking · 16/07/2019 10:32

What about the mental wellbeing of the OP?! He fucked off to training the minute second child was born and left OP struggling with PND!!

But yeah, it's all about HIM and HIS needs
..Hmm

He's a selfish prick OP. Sorry Flowers

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/07/2019 10:32

Hopeless
Perhaps if he hadn’t used the hobby as an excuse to leave her woefully unsupported when she did have PND or was too ill to leave the house there would be a bit of give and take now. However, he seems to operate on a lot of take and very little give.

Original poster
Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 10:33

It is only the one day. Youngest is only one therefore I wouldn’t have a problem doing gifts another time day etc as she won’t know. Last year he went for a night out on her first birthday but I didn’t say or mind as she had no clue. I am letting it rest. He has chosen to open them without him and my friend will come instead.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 16/07/2019 10:34

3-4 hours?!! And he's going to drive a 3hr round trip to go there on the day he booked off? ShockShockShock

He's incredibly selfish.

he could have done the school run and still gone later to have some gym time when you were poorly.

Why are you putting up with this?

Nanny0gg · 16/07/2019 10:35

Yes selfish and he's not going to change. These sorts of hobbies can turn into obsessions.

Whatare you going to do?

DarlingNikita · 16/07/2019 10:36

YANBU.

I wasn’t particularly supportive of it and I was admittedly quite selfish.

NO, you were not. You were ill with a serious condition.

Please don't use the word 'nag' about yourself. It's a horrible misogynistic word.

I’ve asked this before when I’ve been poorly and asked if he can do the school run then go and have been met with a resounding no

I asked if he could possibly miss a training session to look after younger dd and drop her off at nursery so I could go to work in the morning. Nope. Wouldn’t do it. Just little things like that.

These are not little things. They are parenting and being part of a team. He simply doesn't want to do his bit. It's not acceptable, OP.

GrassIsntGreener · 16/07/2019 10:36

He sounds like he's a person of routine. I have trouble breaking out of routines too, but would for something so important like this.

PooWillyBumBum · 16/07/2019 10:37

YANBU

VenusTiger · 16/07/2019 10:40

@Passmethemalibu but isn’t it about making memories and taking photos too! Again, “where’s daddy in ALL of my birthday photos mom?”...... come on - youngest being one and she won’t know, yes I get that... but you’ll know, your DP will know.... how odd.

They are one once. He needs to stop putting his hobby BEFORE his family and your feelings, it’s not a career it’s a hobby. He should fit it around his family. It came second and when he’s an old man, he can look back fondly at those precious photos....he won’t be still wearing a black belt at 80!

itsallgoingsouth · 16/07/2019 10:40

He seems to have a very inflexible, selfish approach to this. Men get obsessed with these sporty hobbies and lose perspective. It's the other stuff that would bother me more: the lack of support during PND, long work hours, pushing you to have another baby but not being there for you. How interactive with you and the kids is he when he's home? Is he loving and attentive at other times? If not, you're just existing together.

You're probably bogged down with childcare and work but you should try to develop your own interests, especially if it gets you out and obliges him to pick up the load.

Uptheduffy · 16/07/2019 10:44

Two sessions a week doesn't sound bad until you mention they are 3-4 hours long! Nothing should be so important to you that it makes you completely inflexible to the needs of other people. My dh missed my birthday this year to watch a football game. As I'm a big girl I put up with this (but it's not happening again!) if it did it to our dc it would be a different matter. I hope I am raising my sons to have a more balanced view of how important their needs are in relation to those of others.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/07/2019 10:44

OP The context for my 'hint of being set up to fail' query is all there in my post. Remember that we only know what you've typed here. You have now answered the 'is present opening always in the morning?' question. People ask questions to gain clarity, so they can respond more helpfully.

The thing is, after his shitty behaviour with the hobby, especially when your dd was a baby, it would be understandable and completely unsurprising if you did retain ongoing resentment, that manifested itself from time to time.

Part of my concern about your 'I was selfish and unsupportive' paragraph - when it was plainly him being selfish and unsupportive - is that you appear to be holding yourself to unattainably high standards of kindness, magnanimity and responsibility for holding the family together - that you will not be able to sustain this forever and that one day you will crack.

Original poster
Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 10:48

He engages with them at home but often whilst he’s on the Xbox/watching a film etc. will occasionally sit and play but not often. Won’t go out. I suggest coming to the shops with us no. Soft play no. Going anywhere no. He just doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything but stay in the house. He’s said oh I’m taking the kids out with so and so from work. Great i think . And then they cancel so he changes his mind.

He does his fair share round the house and i don’t have any issue with that. I know he works long hours and then trains so he’s tired and wants to relax on a weekend. He has them Saturday afternoon/night whilst I’m at work.

He’s not a set in a routine person he’s just a bit selfish.

He’s never missed a birthday or anything like that before. This is the first time since doing the hobby that’s any important event has fallen on a gym day.

OP posts:
happyhillock · 16/07/2019 10:49

This all sound's a bit silly to me, he doesn't want to break his routine to watch his 7 year old open his birthday presents, and everyone is saying divorce him, he's a prick, are you financially secure, i can count the times on one hand that my EXH was there to see our DD's open birthday gift's he was alway's away to work before they got up, He's taken the rest of the day off work it's not as if he wont see him

MrsMiggins37 · 16/07/2019 10:50

YANBU.

Rightly or wrongly I’d be issuing an ultimatum and if he missed the birthday present opening he could leave. It’s not just about the present opening, but about the fact he’s prioritising that above important family occasions.

I’m also married to a bit of a hobby wanker but he would never prioritise it above family things that were important

foreverhanging · 16/07/2019 10:51

His children will be acutely aware that he does not give a shiny shit about them when they get older. It doesn't sound like he gives them any proper attention, ironic since he was sooooo desperate for a second one.

MrsMiggins37 · 16/07/2019 10:51

Being at work is different, you have to go to work, it’s not the same as a hobby.

Lillygolightly · 16/07/2019 10:53

Well it sounds like your DS has taken it in his stride and is quite happy to open his presents without his Father there. The sad thing about this is that it will become the norm for your DS to not expect his Dad to be present at important life events or special occasions. Sadder still that your DP doesn’t understand the gravity of this and it will be your DP who is upset when DS could give a flying frig whether his Dad turns up to his graduation or not and indeed that DS doesn’t prioritise seeing his Dad once he has grown up and has a life and hobbies of his own.

cheeseypuff · 16/07/2019 10:54

YANBU he is being an unreasonable twat. Do it without him & in years to come let your son ask him why he couldn't be there to open his presents with him on his birthday.
It's a hobby, not work.

howdyalikemenow · 16/07/2019 10:56

My ex used to be like this. Hence why he's now an ex. He just thought everything was more important. It grinds you down, and constantly feeling like you or your children don't matter hurts. It erodes a marriage/relationship over time.

TheInebriati · 16/07/2019 11:04

You are not a nag or selfish. You thought you were in a partnership, but he has checked out.

He's not just a bit selfish, he isn't engaged at all with his partner or his children. He lives his life as a single man.

Bored40 · 16/07/2019 11:07

OP, this isn't about his hobby, it's about him assuming that his bit of being a dad is over once you're pregnant. I mean, all the things you've mentioned that he does (work, bits around the home etc) are things he'd be doing if he didn't have children.
I train martial arts, at a club that is mainly men, majority are dads. They'd lose their shit at someone being that disinterested in their kids. We've had people set up new class times so that it's more family friendly (eg 6am on weekends, so the dads train and are back home and have the day with family) We even ended up with evening kids classes so that the dads will bring their kids and train on the next mats. Or they'll do a 'dads club' where they'll take it in turns to watch a group of younger ones (usually dragging a crash mat out, so the kids can mess about jumping or doing cartwheels) while the others drill techniques on the next mats. I've seen some of the big guys literally stand like a tree while kids see if they can climb them, or doing dramatic judo style falls when a child pushes them, to keep them entertained Grin

If people really care about their kids and their hobby, they find a way to support both, not exclude one for the other.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/07/2019 11:24

My final contribution is to suggest that part of your 'holding yourself to impossibly high standards' is you maintaining a constant sense of optimism about your DH's wishes and choices, that is at odds with reality.

It seems very odd that you 'just assumed' that he'd miss his training for DS's birthday, when he's stated to you that he'd only miss it if you were dying (and has demonstrated the truth of this by refusing to miss it when you've been ill).

The only explanation for your assumption seems to me to be that, despite all evidence to the contrary, you choose to view him through rose-tinted spectacles - optimistic that somewhere, deep down, he is more similar to you, cares about the same things you do, in the same way, than the evidence of his own words and behaviour suggests.

What happens when you take those off?

Whosorrynow · 16/07/2019 11:25

I think this is about his identity, his self image... he doesn't see himself as a parent he sees himself as the single man who goes to the gym and practices martial arts
you talk about him not wanting to go out with the kids, are you saying that he doesn't like being seen in public with them?
It sounds as if he just doesn't identify as a parent 😕

wotsittoyou · 16/07/2019 11:33

This guy's a dud. I couldn't have any respect for him.

If you don't leave him, at least split up free time equally. It's not possible that there isn't enough time for you to have free time too - he's just taken it all. Tell him you're having precisely as many hours to yourself as he does.

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