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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked partner to miss his hobby?

241 replies

Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 00:28

Okay I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but I’m starting to think I might have been so I’d be interested to hear other opinions.

Partner does a hobby every Monday and Thursday morning meaning he leaves before the kids get up for school.

It’s sons birthday next week and he wanted to open his presents in the morning before school with us. All good.

I asked partner if he would miss one session so he could be there whilst son opened his presents. He said no he’s not missing it end of.

It’s caused quite a row. Aibu to think that he can miss one session a year for a child’s birthday? I feel like I’m probably just being over sensitive and owe him an apology but it’s really grated on me. Please shake some sense into me Blush

OP posts:
nettie434 · 16/07/2019 08:23

Unless your husband is an athlete hotly tipped for gold in the Olympics, I think he is being really unreasonable to go for his training instead of being there while your son opens his presents.

I also think it will be really nice for your son to be sung happy birthday and have cake at school.

The problem is I have no idea about what to say to someone who thinks that his training session is more important than the pleasure of seeing his son open his presents, especially as the option of doing it after school is not there as your husband gets back home so late. Well I do know what to say but it is not polite.

ConfCall · 16/07/2019 08:29

He’s got away with this nonsense for far too long OP. You seem to be pussyfooting around him. It’s good that you seem to have reached a point where you’re thinking, “enough is enough” but there’s no point venting on here, getting 99% agreement that he’s a bellend...and then doing absolutely nothing about it.

Original poster
Passmethemalibu · 16/07/2019 08:30

Thank you all, definitely some food for thought. I’ll try answer everything I can.

No special olympics though you’d think so the way he goes on sometimes Grin. He does train for fights yes but the upcoming one is in December so I’d hope missing three hours in July shouldn’t make too much of a difference. There would be no cost involved to miss the session Smile

I would tell him daddy has a gym session he can’t miss if it was true, but he can miss it and both ds and I know this. I will have a chat with ds and give him the option to see if he wants to wait or open them without him. I know its only twice a week which is exactly why I thought he’d be okay skipping a session, he does it plenty enough.

He didn’t do the hobby whilst I was pregnant. He took it up literally as dd was born and I was on mat leave. I’ll be honest I think this is where the issue stems from as without wanting to provide massive boring backstory that’s probably irrelevant it caused a lot of tension as I suffered terrible PND after her birth (I had a second child literally for him) and then I was left on my own for most of the time as he took on a new hobby so yes at the beginning I wasn’t hugely happy with it.

He took it very personally saying I was trying to stop him going out I was unsupportive etc (it wasn’t the case) but it was a really rough time for me. Anyway roll on to now and I have no problem with him going or the amount of time he spends there. It’s hugely important to him and that’s fine. I make sacrifices I’m order for him to do said hobby. I have none of my own and I don’t really go anywhere or do anything myself.

He has said no to missing sessions if I’m ill but he did add on that if I was dying in hospital then he would but anything else is a no. So I guess that’s a start Hmm.

Thanks for your input everyone, and I’m definitely not going to apologise though!

OP posts:
greenlynx · 16/07/2019 08:36

I think when you have a family, especially with children, you can’t just do what you want, you need consider other people. Also a lot of things are happening at a very short notice so flexibility is must. Of course, you have needs as well but you can’t be dead rigid about them. Even work commitments sometimes need to be rearrange.
I personally don’t like that your DH never even considers rearranging his hobby. Surely when you are unwell or you need it for work loving partner would offer this to you himself without you asking much.

I actually think he could miss opening presents. He paid for sessions and his coach could be really strict about it, etc. But I would expect him to tell you his reasons in a nice way, maybe suggesting that next year he would make sure that he’ll be free on birthday days. But he can’t miss seeing his child at all on his birthday.

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 16/07/2019 08:40

Oh my goodness. What a horrid man. Nobody deserves this. I’d be issuing the ultimatum now. Or at the very least asking why he thinks it’s ok to put gym before you guys. How would he feel if he were ill and you refused to help. I’m boiling with anger for you

greenlynx · 16/07/2019 08:41

Sorry, just saw your update. In thee circumstances he should miss the session.
I’m really cross on your behalf. In my experience in this circumstances people stop hobbies rather than take up a new one!
Hope your DS will have a nice birthday!

Orchidflower1 · 16/07/2019 08:43

Sorry op but your oh is a selfish, manipulative, mean twonk!

He is controlling and nasty. Who puts sport before their child?

urbanlife · 16/07/2019 08:45

You shouldn't have to ASK him to be there for his son, he should have cancelled and should want to be there to celebrate his child's birthday.

What an utterly selfish self centred man child.

Show him the thread op. No way would my dh even consider this.

Everydayimhuffling · 16/07/2019 08:46

I really hope you aren't going to do the emotional labour of telling your DS and getting him to choose a different option! Your DH should at least do that.

My DP didn't even ask before missing his hobby the evening of my birthday, never mind DC's, so it seems ridiculous that your DH won't. Not missing it when you were ill is shocking. I bet he misses it for his own illnesses and holidays, just not anything for anyone else.

BlindAssassin1 · 16/07/2019 08:48

I'm also a martial arts widow and a lot of what you've said is exactly the same; no give and take if I've been ill, or PND support, no work support.

Its built deep resentment. I strictly and firmly give no sway to when he's ill either for example. Abso-fucking-lutly not. I expect him to pull his weight, I don't care if he's streaming with a cold. He's entirely brought it on himself privileging his hobby over everything else.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/07/2019 08:52

He is selfish. He has pushed you into the default parent role so he can choose when he engages with the family. They fact that he wouldn’t support you when you were ill says it all.

QuarterMileAtATime · 16/07/2019 08:53

Your husband is a dick. So many fathers happy to be in a supporting role, and be crap at it.

Myriade · 16/07/2019 08:53

He has no respect for you or your child.

No respect for your feeling, you as a person or for the work you do (see the not so minor ‘I’m refusing to stay at home so you can go to an I portant meeting at work’.

Can I ask? Do you still support him in his hobbies, work related stuff etc...? If he wants or needs to do something (bar the early morning gym), do you support him, cha going your plans around him? I bet you do. And I’m wondering how he would react if you didn’t. I bet he would be furious, expecting you to make efforts he can’t be bothered to do.

Have a look at your relationship as a whole. I suspect the lack of respect has been sleeping through a lot of other areas.

NeverSayFreelance · 16/07/2019 09:01

@TheStuffedPenguin yeah, the kid would probably understand. He's 7. But OP knows better. That's why everyone is calling him a prick. Because this is prickish behaviour. Especially when you factor in his horrible attitude re OP having an early shift/being ill/etc.

He's a selfish twat. End of.

SummerInTheVillage · 16/07/2019 09:03

He's a prick, OP, and he won't change.

I couldn't live with that for the rest of my life.

MarthasGinYard · 16/07/2019 09:05

'He basically said we can get up super early so he can open them before he leaves, do the presents without him or wait til after school. Regardless he is not missing the hobby. '

TBH

I think either of those is acceptable

Ironmanrocks · 16/07/2019 09:09

He might need reminding that he is missing out on parts of his child's life and now his child will start to remember that he is not around. My DP hadn't even thought of it like that. He now makes much more effort and often asks if I need his help before arranging stuff. It has also helped that since turning 7, my child is more fun to my DP if you see what I mean? They actually do stuff together now and they dont always need me! Wink

bluebluezoo · 16/07/2019 09:10

What happens on his birthday?

I’d be arranging to take the kids out for the day. Then insist there’s no way you can miss it, and if he wants his presents he can open them on his own or wait til you get home.

Willing to bet he’s one of those that will throw a massive tantrum if there’s no fuss on his birthday though....

ReanimatedSGB · 16/07/2019 09:10

I think you need to give serious consideration to ending the relationship and putting him out of the house. He's abusive by way of being selfish and manipulative at the moment - why the fuck should you 'make sacrifices for this prick? He's supposed to be your partner and fellow parent, he is not your employer or your owner.
But the other problem with gym wankers is they often start taking steroids, which increases the risk of them becoming physically aggressive to their partners as their self-obsession grows.

Juells · 16/07/2019 09:14

Blimey! It wouldn't occur to me that someone should miss something - anything - to sit around watching a child open birthday presents. What's to watch? No wonder children grow up thinking the world revolves around them. IIRC my children's presents would be put in their bedroom before they woke up, and they'd open them themselves. It's not a ceremony... The Opening Of The Presents Confused

Somersetlady · 16/07/2019 09:19

Can he not just book a personal training session as a one off later in the day if he has it off work and DS is at school?

He sounds like a nightmare to live with you have my deepest sympathies but you are the only person who can change this situation OP. So change it.

Somersetlady · 16/07/2019 09:20

@Juells i think the issue is not just this scenario but that the DH won’t help the OP when she is sick or has to work.

GabriellaMontez · 16/07/2019 09:20

Yanbu.
It's really hard when you realise someone just doesn't care.

BlindAssassin1 · 16/07/2019 09:20

Juells but if its part of their family birthday ritual the dad's absence in this instance will be very much noticed.

I don't think its part of some entitled child behaviour or expectation. And its a pretty harmless and sweet thing to do with your DC. We all end up missing loads out with children because of work (or hobbies!) and I know people in their 60s now who are very regretful because of it.

septembersunshine · 16/07/2019 09:24

He sounds very self obsessed. Rigid in his thinking and his time table. A hobby should not come before his children or you. Its strange. Does he ever put you or the kids before himself?

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