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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not put husband 'first '

104 replies

kallilla · 15/07/2019 09:09

Our Daughter and granddaughter 18 months are temporarily living with us. I do as much as I can to help ourdaughter who is struggling with a break up etc

My husband today says I should be putting him first, before the baby, but she is just a baby, he's a grown up, and I feel he should understand where I'm coming from as a mother and grandmother and that sometimes I will put the baby first.

So who is right, me or him?

OP posts:
WisestIsShe · 15/07/2019 09:10

Of course YANBU.

Original poster
kallilla · 15/07/2019 09:13

What is yanbu ?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 15/07/2019 09:13

Sounds like two babies are in the house.🙄

Winterlife · 15/07/2019 09:14

What does he want you to do to put him first? What does he want you to not do for your grandchild?

Do you think he’s feeling neglected? How long will your daughter be with you? How engaged is he with the child?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 15/07/2019 09:14

In what way does he want to be put first? Does he help with the baby so that you're not doing everything?

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 15/07/2019 09:14

I think it actually depends.

When you say you are doing a lot. What does that mean?

And how long has it been going on?
What I an thinking is there could be 2 situations

Firstly daughter is upset and needs some support, broke up with ex a few weeks ago

Secondly, daughter broke up with ex a tear ago and since moving in doesnt really do anything. You pick up all the slack and dint ever make time to do things with your husband and nothing is getting better. OP is essentially taking on all care for toddler and ignoring all other relationships she has.

Jemima232 · 15/07/2019 09:15

YANBU to put the baby first.

DH IBU to expect you to.

Cheeserton · 15/07/2019 09:16

Come on OP... It's called AIBU. What do you suppose YABU or YANBU mean in answer?

You Are Not Being Unreasonable.

weaningwoes · 15/07/2019 09:16

Zero context so no idea. But instinctively he is BU, because he is a grown adult man and this is (presumably) his grandchild too.

ShatnersWig · 15/07/2019 09:18

I think I'd want to know more details before casting a vote a la Protein

How much are you doing for the baby and why isn't the baby's mother doing what you're doing? How long have they been staying with you? How long had she been with her ex and how bad a split was it?

Omzlas · 15/07/2019 09:19

How long ago was the split? Is your daughter working? What is it you're doing for her, childcare, washing her clothes, everything?

YANBU = you are not being unreasonable
YABU = you are being unreasonable

aweedropofsancerre · 15/07/2019 09:20

It’s 2019 not 1850. Does he put you first? Is he feeling upset that your not pandering to him? Sounds like an ass

SummerWhisper · 15/07/2019 09:28

Could you explore his thought processes on this? Initially, it appears that he is selfish and resentful of the baby receiving your attention, which is awful behaviour from an adult.

  1. Does he think the baby is solely your daughter's responsibility? That makes him plain out-of- date in his thinking.
  1. Does he not understand that your daughter is struggling and needs help? Thar makes him plain insensitive.
  1. Does he expect you to 'serve him? Perhaps you do a lot for him and he is used to that, in which case, you need to free up both of you from those chains.

I can't find any good reason for him to think like this, sorry. He is being very unreasonable. I don't understand his attitude to a baby whom he should love unconditionally and dote on, along with you (and love you all the more and be proud of you for how caring and selfless you are). He needs to start valuung his family, sorry. Congratulations on being a wonderful grandparent Flowers

ohcanada · 15/07/2019 09:30

Maybe just an odd way of phrasing it? Perhaps he was just trying to say he wants a bit of your attention, which is fair enough.

Of course it's right to put your daughter and granddaughter first when they need it. On reflection, are you maybe doing too much?

SuzieQQQ · 15/07/2019 09:31

Ugh I hate pathetic men like this. Boohoo pay me attention otherwise I’ll sulk and step. Ditch him

Yellowweatherwarning · 15/07/2019 09:32

Well you need to get dh a dummy also.

Fatted · 15/07/2019 09:32

Well are you doing everything for the toddler (it's not really a baby is it?) and your daughter is swanning around doing sweet FA?

But that doesn't mean you should be doing everything for him either though.

NoSauce · 15/07/2019 09:35

More context needed.

Original poster
kallilla · 15/07/2019 09:38

They've been with us 3 months, relocated from Portugal where the ex remains. She's struggling to get benefits because she's lived overseas too long. She does the majority of childcare with me having baby when it suits. I know it's hard for her, and equally my husband having a baby in the house. It's not like I do everything.

OP posts:
IDontGiveABagOfDicks · 15/07/2019 09:40

Then YANBU. You’re being a fantastic mother and grandmother.

That’s not long in the grand scheme of things, even more so being as she’s come back from abroad.

Sunfull · 15/07/2019 09:41

What does he think you are doing that isn't putting him first?

Angech74 · 15/07/2019 09:41

Your husband is a grown man - not a manchild. As such, he shouldn't be acting like a total manchild.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/07/2019 09:43

What does he mean by 'putting him first'?

Does he mean ignore the baby if it's crying to make him a cuppa or something?

Or does he resent having your daughter and baby staying, full stop?

Is he your daughter's father? Your post is a bit confusing.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 15/07/2019 09:44

You need way more context here before it is clear if he is being unreasonable.

Is he trying to explain that he is frustrated that you appear to be doing so much for you toddler granddaughter?

How long has this situation been going on? Temporary could mean 1 week ago or 6 months ago?

Did you sit down and discuss how long your daughter and her child would be living with you, these situations can go on for a very long time?

AutumnCrow · 15/07/2019 09:45

I think she's eligible for benefits now, in that case, as she's passed the three month mark. She'll pass the habitual residency test by living with you, her family.

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