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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not put husband 'first '

104 replies

kallilla · 15/07/2019 09:09

Our Daughter and granddaughter 18 months are temporarily living with us. I do as much as I can to help ourdaughter who is struggling with a break up etc

My husband today says I should be putting him first, before the baby, but she is just a baby, he's a grown up, and I feel he should understand where I'm coming from as a mother and grandmother and that sometimes I will put the baby first.

So who is right, me or him?

OP posts:

stucknoue · 15/07/2019 11:30

It depends is the answer, it's not a clear cut situation. After 3 months your daughter should be making decisions on her future life, whether that's actively sorting out her mental health issues, applying for jobs or sorting out benefits (if she's British and living with parents she should be allowed to claim now), I suggest all three though. Help her to make positive steps each day, get a plan together so in a few weeks she will be able to get her own place

ChicCroissant · 15/07/2019 11:34

The lack of detail in your OP makes me think it is a bit manipulative tbh OP.

Why is your DD difficult to live with? Do you and/or her have form for her turning up back home before? Is this a repeating pattern for her?

Stompythedinosaur · 15/07/2019 11:37

Grown adults who want to be put above babies are very off putting imo.

SuperSara · 15/07/2019 11:55

I can see how he might be finding it hard, depending on exactly what's meant by 'putting him first'.

Is your daughter working to provide for her and the child, or sponging?

Do you have room to live comfortably with 2 extra people in your home?

Lots of possible scenarios here, some of which could easily explain him becoming resentful after months of it, depending on exactly what he's asking of you.

DistanceCall · 15/07/2019 12:18

It's one thing to say that he's feeling a bit left out now that you have a baby and would like to have more interaction with you.

But "putting him first"? What century does he come from?

DistanceCall · 15/07/2019 12:20

Oops, sorry, I misread that - thought it was your child, not your grandchild.

Perhaps you are becoming overinvolved with the baby - it's not your child, after all, and your granddaughter has a mother.

It's still a terrible way to say that he feels neglected, though.

Motoko · 15/07/2019 12:33

OP, you're not helping people to give you a proper response, with your lack of addressing our need for more context. Nobody can say whether your DH is being unreasonable or not, until we know the context, and have more information.

SagAloojah · 15/07/2019 12:38

This thread is so pointless, OP seems to be afraid that providing context will be outing.

I get the impression that things aren't right between OP and her DH, hence the need to know who is right, her or DH.

RockinHippy · 15/07/2019 13:09

He needs to grow the feck up. YADNBU

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 15/07/2019 13:11

The lack of detail in your OP makes me think it is a bit manipulative tbh OP.

I think that too. She is trying to drive the opinion one particular way.

JustAVoidReally · 15/07/2019 13:16

Context.

If he expects you to put him before the needs and happiness of a baby where they conflict, well that's ridiculous.

If he has been almost 100% marginalised and is just saying so in a tact less way, well that's something he has a right to raise.

Generally if the answer to AIBU is It Depends, you'll want to up your OP game.

LillithsFamiliar · 15/07/2019 13:27

You're acting like a martyr. I wonder if that's feeding into your DH's frustration too. It also sounds as though you're confusing 'doing stuff' for your DD with 'doing what's best' for her. They're not the same.

Scorpiovenus · 15/07/2019 13:34

Put your husband first he is right.

Kids come second as if the adults are not happy then nor will the children.

Stop posting that your partner means nothing.... Have a word with yourself.

thecatsthecats · 15/07/2019 13:39

This thread is so pointless, OP seems to be afraid that providing context will be outing.

I get the impression that things aren't right between OP and her DH, hence the need to know who is right, her or DH.

I'm glad that someone else felt that. The confident 'YANBU' answers unnerve me, because there's so little information to go on.

Whereas even if it really is as simple as it's laid out in the OP, different people are allowed to feel differently in response to a situation, and no amount of votes on a website is going to wish those differences away.

HOW you deal with those differences - now there's something useful to ask. But this just seems to be a point scoring exercise (and I suspect the OP thought that a mum's forum would be resoundingly on the side of maternalism).

Figgygal · 15/07/2019 13:42

Can't comment on the original post however what is the long-term plan she can't expect just to live with you guys permanently as she now considering getting a job and making arrangements to be self-sufficient. It's great that you're supporting her at this very difficult time however what is the long-term objective maybe this is what your husband is concerned about ?

Ginger1982 · 15/07/2019 13:43

I thought you were going to say he wasn't her father! So he's resentful of his own daughter and grandchild? Lovely.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 15/07/2019 13:49

So he's resentful of his own daughter and grandchild? Lovely

Where have you got that from?

LannieDuck · 15/07/2019 13:50

Did he not want his daughter/grand-daughter to come and stay, but you did?

If he's consistently said he doesn't want them in his house, then he's a very poor father, but perhaps not unreasonable in wanting more of your attention than he's getting.

But if he was on board with them moving in, he needs to be more helpful. At the moment it sounds like you're doing all the helping and he's not. If he's changed his mind and they're overstaying their welcome, he needs to have a proper conversation with you (and them) about the future.

avalanching · 15/07/2019 14:00

Well there is not nearly enough context here. He has expressed a feeling and I think it is dismissive to disregard it. Your daughter is a grown woman not a baby, her baby is hers, you are in a relationship, it doesn't need to be all or nothing. Rather than get defensive, I would get to the bottom of what he is concerned about.

justasking111 · 15/07/2019 14:02

If you have raised one family and had an empty nest, he may not want to raise another. I am kind of on his side. My DS and DIL stayed with us for a time while their flat was being renovated it got a bit teeth grinding with the teenage style mess everywhere again, cooking, housework, washing. I understand your daughter needs to live with you, but let her get on with it. She will leave again eventually.

DecomposingComposers · 15/07/2019 14:07

He resents her being in the house, she's difficult to live with.

That's a very loaded statement. In what way is she difficult to live with?

Jaxhog · 15/07/2019 15:46

Although I think it's wonderful that you're supporting your DD, I also feel for your DH.

Is it possible that what he sees is his wife and DD running the house for their own convenience with little or no reference to him? Perhaps he feels shut out and only required to provide the money to support you, with no interest or respect for his needs?

Unless you want to see your own marriage fail, I would strongly suggest that you and your DH (not your DD), sit down and agree together what the best approach to the situation is. If you don't involve him, then I can quite see why he resents the current situation.

Chochito · 15/07/2019 15:50

Put yourself first, the baby second, and the other adults last...

MegaClutterSlut · 15/07/2019 16:07

Its hard to say whether or not he is being unreasonable. If your doing most/all of the childcare then he is not being unreasonable imo

Topseyt · 15/07/2019 16:19

When you say that your DD is difficult to live with, what do you mean?

How long is DD planning on living with you? Is it a set amount of time or is it open ended? Is she going to be looking for work, especially now that she has been back in the UK long enough to establish permanent residence? Has she got all of her paperwork in order after leaving Portugal?

Does she help around the house, cook meals etc.? Or is she sitting around on her arse all day while you prioritise the baby?

Without much more context, nobody can really give you an informed answer. At best it would be speculation.

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