To not put husband 'first '

[kallilla]

Our Daughter and granddaughter 18 months are temporarily living with us. I do as much as I can to help ourdaughter who is struggling with a break up etc

My husband today says I should be putting him first, before the baby, but she is just a baby, he's a grown up, and I feel he should understand where I'm coming from as a mother and grandmother and that sometimes I will put the baby first.

So who is right, me or him?

She is parenting her child

She has anxiety issues and is having CBT counselling

The ex will not be wanting them back or supporting them financially. (I can't go into that side of it on an open forum)

I just feel torn between doing what's right for everyone

I've come out this morning to get away from it all for a couple of hours

We really need to know how DD is being difficult.

Yes, because as immature as it sounds, having an adult child come back with her baby could massively colour how he sees the baby-caring parts of it.

Daughter comes back, heartbroken but capable. She has a few things to sort out, but she's well able to parent her own child and just needs a place to stay. Or is actually a bit of a mess emotionally, but a bit of TLC will get her through. Or really needs your support, possibly for the long term.

Vs

Daughter comes back, wants to go out and see her friends. Slobs around the house, and has screaming matches over the phone with her ex. Expects cash handouts, and there's no end in sight to when she'll get her act together.

Even though in either scenario you might end up looking after the baby, you can easily see why he'd be a whole lot more justifiably resentful in the second.

Can you give some examples wher he feels she comes first?

See, in your first post, you say sometimes I will put the baby first but also I do as much as I can to help our daughter who is struggling with a break up

She's had three months. Time to pull up her big girl pants and stop struggling. She has a baby that is HER first priority.

How often, really, hand on heart is "sometimes" in terms of YOU putting the baby first when you then say you do "as much as you can". That, to my mind, suggests you are doing too much, which isn't helping your daughter actually.

Although it's hard to tell as you're still not really giving us that much to go on. Although you have added the rather cryptic fact that your daughter is "difficult".

So what led up to him saying he feels like you are putting the baby first? I assume the comment didn't just come out of nowhere what was he saying before he made the comment?

Regards right to reside if she is British she will now pass the habitual residence test as she has been here 3 months, doesn't matter who she lives with.

It seems like there is a back story if your DD is difficult and you don't say how much time and support you are giving her. Is your DH not also spending time supporting his DD & DGD?

I have been in a similar situation with a DD and a break up but my DH supported our DD too. We sort of both put our DD and GC first for that period. We supported each other in doing this.

However it was important that we made some time for each other.

I don't know if YABU as I don't know the back story, I don't know how much time you are spending looking after them both or how much has this affected your life together?

Can you be more specific on what your DH means by putting him first?

She has twice failed the HRT
If only just moved back then that is standard I think.
There is the 3 month living in test which she should now pass in order to claim child allowance, provided that she has a letter of cessation from Portugal from when she left.
She has automatic right of abode and should be ordinarily resident for NHS non-emergency care but she now has to prove intention to resettle long term.
So all ties with Portugal need to have been cut - tenancy/child allowance/deregistration/health insurance etc She should have kept copies of these deregistrations and a copy of her boarding pass.
In theory she should come under swaddling returning resident but without a main home of her own/long term planning or savings she might be in for a harder time. That said, savings of more than 6k are taken into account and you cannot depreciate your savings by spending them. Maintenance is not taken into account but CMS cannot help her with maintenance collection - that would be Remos. If she has an agreement with her ex it will be trickier still to claim.
She will fail the past presence test so cannot claim pip or dla for 3 years although if covered for disability in Portugal then the 104 day might count from there. Otherwise you are hoping that she can claim Jsa after 3 months which she can, depending on childcare and the hrt she has failed previously...She won't be considered homeless as she is with you. Hrt - enrolling child in a nursery or taking out a yearly gym/club subscription might help prove intent long term but both cost money unfortunately.

Yes, when are you putting the baby first, give us some examples? Are you stuck baby sitting every night while she goes out so you cant go out?

You are doing the right thing in supporting her, she should be able to turn to you, but your job needs to be to support her to be on her own in her own place. (I appreciate that there is the issue with her coming back from abroad).

Does your husband work, is he retired, are you all together all of the time? How exactly does he feel he is being pushed aside? What is making him feel like that?

Explain to him being a dm doesn't stop when they turn 18 or leave home.
My adult ds is currently having problems. My dh has been nothing but supportive and he isn't even his df..... My dd moved back for a while, he bent over backwards for her also. Not her df either..

Is she intending to live with you both forevermore?

How is she difficult?

Is she leaving her child in your and your DH’s care all the time?

Is he elderly?

The ex will not be wanting them back or supporting them financially.
then she really is fucked - can try and get a court order and remos can try and enforce it but it's not easy, less easy with Brexit looming.
She is your daughter however and her Dad could be more supportive in the circumstances. She won't be able to get help from anywhere unless you write a letter saying you won't house her anymore/throw her out? Hopefully someone with more knowledge can confirm that last point. But hostels when she has anxiety? And a toddler?
Bad moon arising. I would if I were able, in your shoes, take over the childcare, help her find employment and then she can pay you rent.
Or if you are able to afford it - then subsidise until she has saved enough for a deposit. Hopefully once working and paying tax/nat insurance then she can pass the habitual residency test then claim tax credits. It's complex, a minefield and needs thorough reseach or at the very least citizen's advice bureau.

It depends on so many factors.

If he's expecting to be waited on hand and foot by you then he's being unreasonable and selfish.

If he's 3 months into his wife doing more than her fair share of grandchild childcare, your social life as a couple has stopped, the daughter is by your own admission 'difficult' and this situation could continue to go on indefinitely depending on how long things take, then he's not unreasonable at all. Relationships need investment from both parties.

I'm with others and think it depends.
The baby is crying and you are in sole charge = fine to put baby first

You spend all your time running round after your daughter and the baby and entirely ignore your husband = not fine

Domestic violence from her ex?

Anxiety is absolutely fucking crippling. Depression for 10+ years didn’t fuck with my life anywhere near as much as anxiety has/does.

CBT is good. What about mediations? Is she in touch with a HV, Home Start, Women’s Aid (if she’s fled and abusive man).

Child support is difficult to secure when the NRP lives abroad.

i'm with you ginger and the my thought is that adults have to do the adult stuff, dh probably feels he's being ousted out of the family home and his shoes that would pee me off, but it's his dd and dgd how much involved is he with them ?
she needs the support to a degree but also needs to do the bulk of it herself, your marriage needs you and dh supporting it too. dd will move on at some point but your marriage will remain if you look after it.
i really don't get pps saying things like ditch him, unless he was a truly awful man before dd came back, it's a understandable knee jerk reaction but not really practical unless you want more problems in the future in the form of divorce that you might later regret when dd is settled else where with her dc.

Doesn’t sound like your DD is much of a parent. I bet you don’t even see all the work you do for the GD - grandparents can become normalised to all of this. In this situation I suggest you need to encourage your DD to become independant and leave the house because it’s not fair on any of you for her to leach off you like this. What is she doing to enable this?

It depends on the situation.
You say your daughter is hard to live with but not really saying how.

Is she pulling her weight? Are you doing more now she is living with you? And by this I don’t mean adding a bit more food in when you cook?
How much are you looking after your GC?

Also, what is your dh wanting you to put him first for?

I think you need a family meeting and a way forward that works for everyone. It's been three months, so follow @RageAgainstTheVendingMachine's advice, above. Looking ahead, is she in a position to be able to work? What does she want to do? Are you willing to help out with childcare to enable her to save more quickly for a rental deposit? Once the HRT has passed, she may also qualify for a two-year-old free funded place in January, so it's worth checking out the local nurseries and even schools (it's worth thinking in advance about this when looking for a place to live as an easy walk to the local school makes for a much more pleasant morning).

I suspect part of your DH'S pushback is the fact there is no clear plan and he can see them residing with you for years. DD is - as you said - "difficult" to live with and even if the child is a cute little angel, toddlers are noisy, messy and demanding of time. I love my two, but I see how knackered my parents are after we have visited for the weekend - and that's just two days with two parents running after them.

sounds like being diffiuclt comes with being ill(anxiety)?which can happen when suffering with it because its a very irrational illness.but thats not her fault and yes it can be bloody fustating.but as a parent that doesnt stop when they leave or at 18 or whatever.sometimes we have to step the hell back up when they fall on hard times.as long as they are workign hard alongside us and are trying to be appreciative then so be it.
yeh you gotta work to give them their independance back too.for them as much as anything but sometimes this doesnt happen.or not for a while.
there are illness and conditions whcih mean kids have to liv with their parents forever.is this ideal.is this perfect or cushie for parents growing old and chilling out?nope.not really
but can it stil lwork and turn out perfectly and bring a family closer.yes it can.

OP isnt really saying anything that can make any certain its one way or the other.

I am a single parent with depression and anxiety and having counselling. I dont speak to my parents and manage to parent both my kids and soon after them just fine.

My depression and anxiety is classed as 'severe' but everyone is different.

Again, she may not be able to parent her child or need a lot doing. Or she may be milking it.

OP wont even answer how long she has been the and what her dh means prioritise him.

Does he mean 'we have plans and you always cancel because dd and dgd need a drinking bringing in'

Or 'no one else should eve be put in front of me'

Or is it a mix of everything and a family struggling with changes and all these issues.

I know one mum that used to go to her boyfriends for the evening, but go back to her house (10 minute drive) if her adult sons wanted a drink. She would go home and take a drink up to their room, then go back to her boyfriends.

I also work with a woman, who is at breaking point because her dil and sil have just decided neither that he isnt returning to work either and they might lose their home. This woman is trying to help them out but is killing herself and crippling herself financially. Whenever this woman wont give into her daughter demands, the daughter threatens to kill herself. In the end SS got involved. It's awful

And there are loads of men who demand to be the centre of attention all the time.

No one can say if this is one extreme or the other, or just a group of people struggling.

I think you should be sitting down with your dh and detailing together exactly what you are doing for your dd/ dgd. He may not mean putting the baby before him. Does he actually mean the relationship? Or is he the sort, who expects to be waited on? As for your dd, she or the baby have been abused by the sound of it and is likely ultra sensitive. But in what way is she difficult to live with? This is your home so she needs to slot in as well.

What does "putting him first" look like to your DH? Does he mean you warming his slippers and waiting on him hand and foot, or does he mean you occasionally remembering you're supposed to love him too and making time to do something together you both enjoy and giving him the odd affectionate hug as you pass each other in the kitchen?

What is he doing for his daughter and grandchild? Is her adding to her stress or trying to support her in relieving it? How does her being "difficult to live with" manifest itself? Lying in bed all morning / being argumentative / swearing at her ex over the phone every day / refusing to do any housework?

It's impossible to say who is unreasonable here without more context.

Is he* adding to her stress...

I'm finding it a bit off that it's your daughter, you are a mother and grandmother, it's your grnadchild etc. But it seems like he is the dad and grandfather? The dynamics seem very off even if taking the "putting him first" thing.