To not put husband 'first '

[kallilla]

Our Daughter and granddaughter 18 months are temporarily living with us. I do as much as I can to help ourdaughter who is struggling with a break up etc

My husband today says I should be putting him first, before the baby, but she is just a baby, he's a grown up, and I feel he should understand where I'm coming from as a mother and grandmother and that sometimes I will put the baby first.

So who is right, me or him?

There is no context to this at all.

He's my daughters father

She has twice failed the HRT

He is being ridiculous and petulant. He is a grown man and should look after himself. You are not his personal maid. I'd put my foot down.

I'm in the minority but if my dp said this to me I would think about arranging a weekly date night with him or arranging time for our relationship. Having your dd stay for 3 months and no immediate plans for her to move out is causing a strain on your marriage. Your dd is an adult, you are not helping her by moddycoddling her and her baby for an indefinite amount of time.

He resents her being in the house, she's difficult to live with. I'm just trying to make the best of it.

We do get the odd weekend away together, and days out, it's not like we never do anything together.

My DD will always come first - even when she's an adult. That's what being a good mum is. Your DH will just have to grow a pair.

I don't think there's a blanket rule tbh. It depends on context. DH wants you to turn down his bed and you're too busy putting the baby to sleep? Then DH is UR.
DH is ill and needs help around the house but you're prioritising baby and making the environment unsafe for him? Then you are UR.
The fact you've given no detail makes our responses irrelevant.

If she’s difficult to live with that’s understandable that he’s fed up but it’s not the same as you not putting him first! It’s unfair of him to say that to you, I imagine it’s tough on you too?

A baby is a priority. A baby's needs are a priority.

That being said it's nice to make an effort with your partner/family.

It's a bit of a juggling act but it is possible to carve out some time together. Even if it's just an hour sat next to each other on the sofa watching a comedy together or some equally mundane but nice thing.

Yes a baby is a priority but everyone is entitled (just as you are) to feel loved and wanted. Everyone is entitled to space.

Sounds to me like DH is struggling wih the adjustment in the house dynamics. He will need to suck it up as I'm sure it's a change for you too.

Acknowledge his feelings, state you are trying to adjust too and then work together to see how you can carve out a bit of time together?

I can sort of see his point. He probably feels pushed out in his own home, with an adult daughter moving back in with a baby and problems and everything becoming difficult just at a stage in life when you think life should be getting easier. TBH I'm not sure how I'd cope with it myself, and I'm so laid back about my environment that I'm practically unconscious.

So what's the backstory? Why is she difficult to deal with?

She needs to realise that you and her father are doing her a massive favour letting her and baby live there rent free and she needs to realise that she can't be 'difficult'.

What does DH mean by 'put him first'?

So what does he want you to do? Can he give a specific answer or is he just venting about the disruption? Wanting his DD & DGD thrown out would be very unreasonable, wanting DD to take DGD out to the park occasionally & keep her toys tidier, not unreasonable.

He resents her being in the house, she's difficult to live with. I'm just trying to make the best of it.

But again, this can go either way.

He wants you to be available to him 24/7 and hates her and her dd having any attention.

Or she has moved in, doesnt absolutely nothing while you do it all for her and generally horrible to everyone and not even parenting her child. At all.

Your DH slso sounds difficult to live with if it's not on his terms. It's his granddaughter, not 'a baby' living in your house. He needs to muck in.

It sounds like a tough situation all around with you being stuck in the middle.

She shouldn’t be tough to live with, she should be thankful that she is presumably being given free board and lodgings and going out of her way to make life easier for you both.

Yes to everyone saying a baby is a priority, but it's not his baby. He's probably wondering how long this is going to go on for, is the ex going to turn up and want to try again, DD will go off with him, then back in tears, drama, upheaval, helping her find a place of her own, helping with deposit, then she goes back to Portugal, then they break up again blah blah blah. Who knows what scenarios he's building in his head? Plus, those scenarios could come to pass. I know because my parents supported me through similar circumstances, and when your own life is in upheaval you don't give much thought to how you're affecting elderly parents.

In an average day, how many hours are you looking after the baby instead of your DD?

What does your DH want you to do when he says he wants to be put first?

We really need to know how DD is being difficult.

What does he mean? You should chuck them out? Or you should keep an evening a week free to spend with him?

We have no idea what he and you are talking about, unless you explain it in words.

Who knows what scenarios he's building in his head?

He does live in the same house as them, and they're his family too. He could, you know, talk to his daughter. Get involved. But it's clearly easier to complain to your wife and expect her to magically sort it to your satisfaction. Has he always been like that OP?

Hmm, maybe the issue isn't the baby but you prioritising your adult DD and upending your and DH's lives to support her.
As parents, it is our job to support our children but it's also important we teach them to be independent. I wonder if you fall more on the support side and your DH falls more on the teach independence side.
Your DD is an adult and a mother. She's too old for you to treat her like a difficult child who has to be coddled and humoured.

I don't think anyone can say definitely YANBU or not. Not really enough context.

I know a couple whose daughter (despite having her own home nearby) goes round to her mum's for every meal, dumps her child on the floor and expect them to 'keep an eye on her' while she plays on her phone, and then gets her mum round to clean her place because 'she's overwhelmed'. Rarely lifts a finger and her mum (who admittedly has control issues) does everything for her. Daughter pleads the 'depressed' situation, but does nothing to help herself.

The DH (daughter's father) is fed up with his life being invaded, being expected to mind the child and his wife vanishing to do whole days of housework in a house that isn't even his.

Also depends on age. Is your DH elderly and looking forward to a quiet retirement just the two of you? Or in his forties and trying to negotiate work, downtime and fitting in couple time?

If you are looking after the baby while she attends interviews/meetings etc, then he IBU. if you are looking after the baby while she lounges around doing nothing then he INBU.

You both need to support your daughter to find her own place to live and to find work. Is she looking for work or just hoping to live a life on benefits? (Yes I know she has a toddler but so do thousands of other people who manage to work around it).

Why don't they get on?

Once your kids grow up and leave home, they are adults. When they have their own children , they are even more so. It’s ridiculous to say that mothers should drop everything for their adult daughters who are mothers themselves, allowing them to move back in and disrupt their lives without a thought for the consequences.

Women putting their children first in every situation, forever, is why so many marriages break down. In a family, everyone should be equal. A family is the sum of its parts; no-one is more important than anyone else. Having said that, when your adult children have grown up, left home and had their own children, damn right you and your husband are more important. She’s a big girl and she needs to grow up and figure things out for herself, just like she managed to move abroad in the first place by herself 🤷‍♀️.