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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’ve been seeing a guy for nearly 7 months but I don’t know ever he wants?

105 replies

Wilkiemini · 14/07/2019 18:12

I met a lovely man online a year after Being dumped by the father of my children (a very hurtful time)

I really like this guy BUT he lives 1.5 hours away and this is starting to become s problem seven months down the line!

He stood me up for a work party he was supposed to come to by saying he was ill, I had an inkling he was going to go this but he didn’t actually tell me until an hours before he was supposed to arrive. I had this message “how pissed off would you be if I didn’t come?”
The next day he said he felt better and I was waiting to see when / where he wanted to meet but he didn’t ask me do I so I spent the whole weekend alone as on the Sunday he flew to America to work.

When he returned on Friday morning again I waited to see when he wanted to meet...he edited until that evening to say he was spending the weekend with his daughter and he didn’t know when he would see me? Maybe next weekend?

Am I being unreasonable to feel really hurt by this especially as he has just returned from a weeks holiday with his daughter and she is 19! We have seen each other just twice got a few hours in over 5 weeks

I told him I was feeling a little neglected and he said the distance was a pain in the arse.

Other than this he is everything I thought I’d never find in a man...but now I’m left feeling like a I’m the occasional weekend shag!!

My head is all over the place

Do I finish it now before he hurts me I don’t think I can go through another awful breakup :(

I haven’t met his daughter he has never discussed this with me, he said she comes first and always will which I understand as I have children too but where does this leave me, I’m feeling very confused about this relationship now and yet we were so happy before :(

Advise please what would you do?

OP posts:

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 14/07/2019 18:19

Let it go as he is clearly not that into you.

Piratelostatsea · 14/07/2019 18:26

Sorry but he doesn't seem to be prioritising you. If he was really into you, he'd be making more of an effort, I think.

I think you'd be better off cutting your losses and finding someone who is as keen on you, as you are with them.

Bringmewineandcake · 14/07/2019 18:29

Definitely cut your losses before you get too attached.

Original poster

Wilkiemini · 14/07/2019 18:32

I’m not expecting to be prioritised over his daughter but i don’t think I’m being unreasonable in wanting to see him when she’s already been on holiday with him for a week?

OP posts:

Asta19 · 14/07/2019 18:36

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. I did a lot of online dating and one thing I learnt was that men love to “sell you a dream”. So you hang on through all the crap thinking that one day you will get your happy ending. But it’s just a tactic. It means nothing. You’re left feeling like an occasional shag because that’s what you are. And I am saying that not to be nasty but to get you to see the reality. This is clearly going nowhere and it’s better to get out now before you get your heart broken. You won’t be “losing” anything because if he was the right man for you, you wouldn’t be feeling this way. Forget the dream of how it could be and look at the reality.

DaffoDeffo · 14/07/2019 18:36

You're more into him than him you. And that distance is a problem.

Cut your losses before you get even more invested. It sounds like a casual hook up convenience for him and a relationship for you.

MatildaTheCat · 14/07/2019 18:38

You want different things. Sad but it’s barely a relationship even at this level.

Sparklesocks · 14/07/2019 18:40

I think you need to cut your losses and end it. The first few months are meant to be fun and breezy, it shouldn’t be this hard so early on and shouldn’t be making you feel bad about yourself.

You’ve been through some upsetting things with men, it’s ok to want more and expect to be treated better.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 14/07/2019 18:43

Agree with people saying this is not the man for you.

If he wanted, he would see you more often, so he clearly is not that bothered, and the distance does not make it easier.

I have tried making relationships like that works, but it all falls apart if you are not super in love with each other, and at the 'getting to know you' stage. Not worth wasting time if this is not the case of you two, and I'm sure there are other men in your area you could hang out with.

FieryBiscuits14 · 14/07/2019 18:43

This half relationship is stopping you meeting someone who lives nearer to you and is more into you so let it go

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/07/2019 18:46

Re-read your OP as if someone else was telling you. You want to see him but he's not fussed. Two meetings in five weeks? It's not really a relationship at all, tbh.

I get that it's hurtful but I think you should forget about this man and start looking for a man who really wants you. There are lots of lovely men out there.

EyesOpenWide · 14/07/2019 18:49

If he wanted you in his life in any more capacity than for a few hours over 5 weeks, he’d find the time or make the time.

You shouldn’t have to fight, beg or whine for place in his life.

If you’re feeling like you’re the occasional weekend shag, then you probably are.

Nofilter101 · 14/07/2019 19:24

That's not just a daughter. He has a family and you are the ow.

bingbongnoise · 14/07/2019 19:33

He sounds like a dick sorry OP.

Just dump him. You deserve better.

LIZS · 14/07/2019 19:35

You are not priority, get out before you get more emotionally involved. A few months in should not need any persuasion to get attention.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 14/07/2019 19:42

Why are you so damned disempowered, OP? You've handed him all the cards!

Why?

Isn't being alone better than this shit?

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 14/07/2019 19:44

You feel like an occasional shag because you are an occasional shag, sorry. He's not that into you. The best case scenario is that he's lazy AF and makes no effort; this is after 7 months, too. If this is the honeymoon phase, imagine how he'd be later down the line.

I've just split up with someone who lived an hr away, "sold the dream" but did nothing to live up to it or do much towards making us more serious. I honestly don't miss him. Onwards & upwards. You can find nearer & better, this man will only grow more distant. Good luck xx

pepsimax20bigger · 14/07/2019 19:45

Sorry op, I think he's trying to dump you but doesn't have the guts.
Cut your losses.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 14/07/2019 19:47

Hi OP, i have beem through the mill with men recently and i know you are probably in a bad place and your self esteem is very low at the moment. He isnt treating you well and he is unlikely to change. Because you are feeling vulnerable you are putting up with it. Try to be strong and walk away, being single right now would probably do you some good after a painful breakup. I am at the point myself of resisting jumping into the first relationship that comes along because being a single parent is scary but you have to stay strong and work on yourself at the moment

Original poster

Wilkiemini · 14/07/2019 20:08

Thank you ladies, I have bitten the bullet and sent him a message saying he should shape up or ship out as I’m no longer going to put up with it.

I would imagine that’s it then! Unless he turns up naked with roses between his cheeks singing a song at my bedroom window to tell me how much he loved me?
I doubt that will happen

Meh

OP posts:

Somersetlady · 14/07/2019 20:10

If he wanted to make the effort to see you he would. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. It sounds as though you are far more invested than he is?

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 14/07/2019 20:15

He’s rubbish, but you sound fabulous.
Make some fun plans with mates, family - put some proper effort into distracting yourself x

Asta19 · 14/07/2019 20:27

OP, I always want to slap people who say things like “you need to love yourself first” etc but in truth that’s what I did. I ditched the trying to date thing and I bought myself flowers, just because. I cooked myself nice meals. I rediscovered old hobbies and found some new ones. And then I realised, I don’t want a man who doesn’t treat me at least as well as I treat myself. Now my bar is set high. This may mean I stay single forever, if so, so be it. But I won’t be used again. I won’t settle for being second best again. If I do get in to a relationship again it will be one that enhances my life, not drains me. I’m glad you’ve taken back control. Know your own worth and hold out for someone that appreciates that.

CrunchTime0 · 14/07/2019 20:27

Has he replied?

Original poster

Wilkiemini · 14/07/2019 20:34

No reply yet ....maybe he’ll never reply!

OP posts:

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