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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve been seeing a guy for nearly 7 months but I don’t know ever he wants?

105 replies

Wilkiemini · 14/07/2019 18:12

I met a lovely man online a year after Being dumped by the father of my children (a very hurtful time)

I really like this guy BUT he lives 1.5 hours away and this is starting to become s problem seven months down the line!

He stood me up for a work party he was supposed to come to by saying he was ill, I had an inkling he was going to go this but he didn’t actually tell me until an hours before he was supposed to arrive. I had this message “how pissed off would you be if I didn’t come?”
The next day he said he felt better and I was waiting to see when / where he wanted to meet but he didn’t ask me do I so I spent the whole weekend alone as on the Sunday he flew to America to work.

When he returned on Friday morning again I waited to see when he wanted to meet...he edited until that evening to say he was spending the weekend with his daughter and he didn’t know when he would see me? Maybe next weekend?

Am I being unreasonable to feel really hurt by this especially as he has just returned from a weeks holiday with his daughter and she is 19! We have seen each other just twice got a few hours in over 5 weeks

I told him I was feeling a little neglected and he said the distance was a pain in the arse.

Other than this he is everything I thought I’d never find in a man...but now I’m left feeling like a I’m the occasional weekend shag!!

My head is all over the place

Do I finish it now before he hurts me I don’t think I can go through another awful breakup :(

I haven’t met his daughter he has never discussed this with me, he said she comes first and always will which I understand as I have children too but where does this leave me, I’m feeling very confused about this relationship now and yet we were so happy before :(

Advise please what would you do?

OP posts:
MLMhun · 15/07/2019 14:20

Oh god, that text made me cringe as much as Amy’s “list” on Love Island last week!

Despite that, you do sound nice OP, you have a fabulous dog and we have all been there (I’ve written emails like that and not sent them) . I hope he shapes up for you.

CrunchTime0 · 15/07/2019 19:10

Did he reply op?

Hope your ok today.

Original poster
Wilkiemini · 15/07/2019 20:28

No reply

I can see he’s been online and read the message several times I was expecting to get something by now...but nothing 🤕

OP posts:
waterrat · 15/07/2019 20:38

Hey OP I really wanted to come on here and tell you that you must absolutely not be ashamed of sending that message.

You were honest - yes eveyrone on here will say that was a mistake- but sometimes we need to get it out there so we don't look back with regret later on.

Yes you could have been cool calm and collected - but right now you needed to say those things in order to protect yourself.

Did you feel that by getting it all out there you would know you would never 'wonder' if he knew the truth?

He has behaved very badly by not replying - I would take that as a massive red flag even if he does come back to you. Whatever he feels, you put yourself out there emotionally and it's up to him to then reassure you that he has listened. Even if he said - I appreciate the honesty I'll call you tonight

So - here is my personal suggestion - have you had therapy? Like, proper psychotheraphy looking at where your patterns in relationships come from?

It changed my life and I highly recommend it.

Don't be ashamed and don't waste your time on a man who can't even be bothered to write you a text or come and visit. Life is too short - well done for setting your boundaries.

CrunchTime0 · 15/07/2019 20:44

To not even reply to you after what you sent is really shitty on his behalf.

I hope your ok x

MonstranceClock · 15/07/2019 20:44

Oh jesus that's cringe.

You should've just said "nah, fuck ya."

MsVestibule · 15/07/2019 20:48

Ah, OP, I think you have your answer. If he hasn't responded within 24 hours, he's really not that bothered.

I know you won't do it, but blocking him his the best course of action now. It will stop you obsessively checking your phone for a response and if he does reply, it will show forever as 'unread' which will really confuse him Wink.

Original poster
Wilkiemini · 15/07/2019 21:05

I’m okay I had a good day today I’m not obsessing over him!

I’m feeling oddly empowered by releasing what I really thought rather than bottling it all up which most of us are guilty of doing (it just builds resentment)

So he might never reply...I considered that and I deemed it worth the risk as
I haven’t really lost anything if he didn’t want to be with me anyway!

The way I see It is I have gained by knowing the truth now rather than wasting time and getting my heart broken again

So thank you for the comments don’t worry the negative ones are bouncing off me faster than Bolt ran the 100m

I’m good :)
I’m taking a break from men for a while
Then I go shall go back and hunt in that fish pond and see if anything ‘Tom Hanks’ level of worthy is still available!

OP posts:
waterrat · 15/07/2019 21:10

Ignore the people saying it's cringey OP. It's how you felt at the time so be accepting of saying it. He is not a kind person to not reply.

Bignicetree · 15/07/2019 21:11

Well done OP.
You have been transparent and honest.
That is nothing to cringe about.

Bignicetree · 15/07/2019 21:11

Well done OP.
You have been transparent and honest.
That is nothing to cringe about.

RockinHippy · 15/07/2019 21:15

I'm with waterrat, you did just fine with your message OP. You were honest for a start, there never any shame in that, even if his answer is no, you stood up to be counted & will know exactly where you stand. Job done

I really don't get wtf is it with all the game playing advice from others, how the hell is that meant to help a relationship work Confused

Honeyroar · 15/07/2019 22:26

I can't believe that he hasn't even bothered to reply! How rude!

Your update makes you sound like a sensible, intelligent woman. I hope you find someone who values you and deserves you in the future.

AloneLonelyLoner · 16/07/2019 06:21

I'm really glad that you are able to file this one under 'ex'. He isn't into you and he isn't at least giving you basic respect.

Also I have to say, his daughter is 19! If someone says that they will prioritise their adult child over their partner then they really are definitely making excuses for not having to be there for their partner.

Unluckyinlove2019 · 16/07/2019 11:48

Did you get a reply OP?

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 16/07/2019 12:37

I understand why you sent that message.. I guess you felt things were ending and you wanted to say things you wouldn't get to say otherwise, and get them off your chest.

Thing is though, unfortunately he's probably not quite worthy of this. Which is a shame.

I'd forget him after this. Lesson learned about what you will and will not accept. It's taught you about your own boundaries and when to assert yourself. Which will lead to more satisfying relationships in future.

Original poster
Wilkiemini · 16/07/2019 20:52

Update...

We’ve been arguing since last night and he’s getting more angry with every message.
Basically reiterating that his daughter is his one and only priority.

I’ve tried to calm things down and in the end i just said that I couldn’t think straight and I was going to go to bed (very late last night)

I sent what I thought was a kind message this morning telling him I cared about him and wanted him to be happy and that
he should take some time to be alone as maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that I hoped I’d be here when he was ready but in the meantime I need someone fully in who will give me 100%

OP posts:
Original poster
Wilkiemini · 16/07/2019 20:56

This seemed to do the trick and I thought that was that really, but then it’s all flared up again tonight by him sending answers to an earlier message.

I’ve told him I don’t want to argue as it’s not getting us anywhere he can’t ever make me a priority (not even close) so why should I continue knowing that?

It’s really tough I know I should just block now....but I can’t :(

OP posts:
MonstranceClock · 16/07/2019 20:59

Why are you dragging this out? It just seems like you enjoying the drama now. Just end it and leave it.

AloneLonelyLoner · 16/07/2019 21:04

I'm with @MonstranceClock on this one.

He's toying with you. He prioritises another adult (it's irrelevant that it's his child, she's 19 for feck's sake).
He's just not that into you (to coin a phrase). Have more self-respect and get rid.

bluebell34567 · 16/07/2019 22:13

its becoming to me or her situation, be careful. try to keep your dignity.
your answer you need someone who will be 100% with you is good, keep at that.
i wish you could keep yourself away a bit, not tangled to such conversations with him.

AlexaAmbidextra · 16/07/2019 22:31

and that I hoped I’d be here when he was ready

You really are giving him the green light to walk all over you. Listen to what he’s saying. You are not a priority. He’s told you that. Do try to dredge up some dignity and common-sense.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 16/07/2019 23:07

What do you get from the drama, OP? Because you're getting something.

PurpleFlower1983 · 16/07/2019 23:20

You’re making yourself look like a crazy woman OP! Walk away!

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 16/07/2019 23:39

FFS op. He's stringing you along and worse than that, now there are red flags flying! If this continues he will find other reasons to get angry. He wants everything on his terms. Leave. Now. Before you get in any deeper .

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