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Original poster

I’ve been seeing a guy for nearly 7 months but I don’t know ever he wants?

105 replies

Wilkiemini · 14/07/2019 18:12

I met a lovely man online a year after Being dumped by the father of my children (a very hurtful time)

I really like this guy BUT he lives 1.5 hours away and this is starting to become s problem seven months down the line!

He stood me up for a work party he was supposed to come to by saying he was ill, I had an inkling he was going to go this but he didn’t actually tell me until an hours before he was supposed to arrive. I had this message “how pissed off would you be if I didn’t come?”
The next day he said he felt better and I was waiting to see when / where he wanted to meet but he didn’t ask me do I so I spent the whole weekend alone as on the Sunday he flew to America to work.

When he returned on Friday morning again I waited to see when he wanted to meet...he edited until that evening to say he was spending the weekend with his daughter and he didn’t know when he would see me? Maybe next weekend?

Am I being unreasonable to feel really hurt by this especially as he has just returned from a weeks holiday with his daughter and she is 19! We have seen each other just twice got a few hours in over 5 weeks

I told him I was feeling a little neglected and he said the distance was a pain in the arse.

Other than this he is everything I thought I’d never find in a man...but now I’m left feeling like a I’m the occasional weekend shag!!

My head is all over the place

Do I finish it now before he hurts me I don’t think I can go through another awful breakup :(

I haven’t met his daughter he has never discussed this with me, he said she comes first and always will which I understand as I have children too but where does this leave me, I’m feeling very confused about this relationship now and yet we were so happy before :(

Advise please what would you do?

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 14/07/2019 22:19

I'd try to delete the message before he reads it

Do this. Do this very quickly.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/07/2019 22:28

That great long message is atrocious, Wilkiemini. I'd run a mile if I got a message like that.

CrunchTime0 · 14/07/2019 22:29

Op ... no no no.

You gave him back all the power. Your basically letting him decide.

And he’s got a cheek to say about waiting overnight? CF.

Tell him there is no need, his answer says everything.

Jaffacakebeast · 14/07/2019 22:33

Oh god 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 14/07/2019 22:57

Oh OP. Send a goodbye, one sentence, and block and delete. It really pained me to read this thread because I remember doing this with a guy a few years back. Waiting around to find out what he decides, will kill you.

bluebell34567 · 14/07/2019 23:21

i dont think your message is bad op. if you sent it dont worry.
but less is more.

bluebell34567 · 14/07/2019 23:22

he said wait overnight, its not a long time. should he reply 'no' quickly?

Jimdandy · 14/07/2019 23:53

I’d just ghost him

Chilledout11 · 15/07/2019 00:04

Him saying 'I need to process this rather than picking up the phone to talk to you would tell me everything. You deserve so much more.

Honeyroar · 15/07/2019 00:13

I don't think your message was that bad, it was just a tad long. Who cares if he does run for the hills anyway. He's a waste of time. I think you should send one more message saying you don't think you want someone who needs to deliberate overnight if you're worth seeing after several months of dating, so it's best to just let things end. It might be a little upsetting, but at least you'd walk away with your head held high..

firesong · 15/07/2019 00:16

Doesn't sound good that he needs to think about whether he wants to be with you Sad

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 15/07/2019 00:30

That's not a message, it's an essay! You've been very honest though. If he is decent he should respect that even if his answer is a no. You've shown your hand and I honestly don't know whether it will pay off, but I hope you get the considerate answer you deserve and not the silence or awkward whatsapp in 3 days time that I suspect might be in the offing. Reply with "ok" and be prepared to chalk it up to experience.

Just to warn you though, from experience, the "if you don't love me enough, let me go line" doesn't always work. It can be used by partners as a string to dangle you on until THEY decide they cba anymore.

GrotchCoblin · 15/07/2019 00:35

Omg I can't believe you sent all that

I would have written something like - we obviously want different things out of a relationship right now. I'd like to feel that my partner sees me as a high priority, and I'm just not getting that from you. Thanks for the good times and I wish you all the best. Goodbye.

Where is your dignity woman??

IncandescentShadow · 15/07/2019 00:41

Did you actually send him all that long stuff OP?

He wouldn't really read it at all. I don't even blame him.

Try and play it a little cool fgs!

thetimekeeper · 15/07/2019 00:43

OP, I mean this kindly but I really think you need to read this before you send anymore messages:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

"Assertiveness means expressing your point of view in a way that is clear and direct, while still respecting others."

The message I imagined you had sent from your earlier posts ("shape up or ship out" according to you) and what you actually sent belong in totally different universes. The message you sent sounds like you're begging and trying to appease him - did you mean it to? Did you realise it comes off like that? I can't find the "shape up or ship out" part of it - whereabouts do you think you communicated that to him?

Do you think you're ready for a relationship? I'm not just asking because of that message, but the way you've let him treat you and how uncomfortable you seem to be in expecting more or asking for more. You're bending over backwards trying to accommodate his needs and constantly show how reasonable you are (why do you feel the need to do that?) but thoroughly neglecting your own in the process.

A year after the breakup of your very serious relationship is very little time to heal.

theWarOnPeace · 15/07/2019 02:57

Oh shit OP. I can understand exactly why you sent that message, you aren’t thinking logically. Thing is, you sent the first one and he replied (bought himself time and continued to be lazy), so that was quite literally all you should have needed to hear. His original answer that wasn’t filled with panic or dismay at potentially losing you, or massive apology for being shit or whatever, was enough to show you where you are in his list of priorities.

You can’t lead someone through a relationship, that’s not your job. If he can’t treat you properly without having everything explained to him, that’s your answer. Cut your losses, spend time alone and work on your self worth and assertiveness.

I say this from bitter experience, joy from some kind of smug superiority. Men who behave like this are simply not worth the investment of your time and energy.

TwistyTop · 15/07/2019 04:54

He's not that into you. Sorry OP. But it's better to figure this out now. You wouldn't have been happy in a relationship with someone who didn't prioritise you. Hold out for someone who truly makes you happy!

Howlovely · 15/07/2019 07:03

"If you're not sure if you want me then you won't have me" would be my response here. I think some people have been rather cruel here in some of the things they have said to the OP who is no doubt feeling like shit as it is. The message has been sent, he's read it, she can't take it back.
I think he's behaving appallingly and I hope you are ok, OP X

Original poster
Wilkiemini · 15/07/2019 07:11

I’m okay, to be clear we have both always talked very honestly and frankly with each other I probably would not have dreamt of sending that to anyone else!

I did not reply last night I think his response has already told me what I needed to know.

I suppose I wanted him to make the decision so I wasn’t responsible for ending it other something that could be fixed (if he wanted to)

I’m a very strong woman but not when it comes to relationships unfortunately :( this possibly stems from never having anyone apart from my children who truly love me, I think I put them in the pedestal and of course they all fall off lol

First boyfriend of nine years (father of my son) cheated on me with my married sister

Second boyfriend of 18 years left me last year because he wants to chase 20 year olds (we have two children) I’ve now been sterilised I’m done with having children but it would be nice to find a worthy guy who just loves me for who I am

OP posts:
Aria999 · 15/07/2019 07:15

I thought the message was ok actually. Long but made it very clear where you stand and why, and came across genuine. Someone who knows you and cares about you should be ok with it.

I agree with pp he's not that into you. Think you should assume you won't get a good response and start moving on.

DocusDiplo · 15/07/2019 07:36

I had this with a guy OP. Similar but not long distance. Waited till he got round to asking me out (also a low priority) and then said "nah sorry, can't be asked seeing you. Convo too intermittent. We want different things clearly". Meant I left with power.

Don't let him win you over with platitudes now!!!

Bignicetree · 15/07/2019 13:48

There is nothing wrong with your message. It was heartfelt and very clear.

MrsSpenserGregson · 15/07/2019 14:02

Dump his arse OP, there's no way he can possibly be as cute or affectionate as your utterly adorable dog.

You deserve so much better. The fact that you sent him such a heartfelt, honest message and he replied with "I need to sleep on it" is crap of him. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't, but of course he knows how he feels and he absolutely does not need to think about it - he's stalling for time, trying to work out what to say to keep you dangling. Block him, take cute dog out for a walk somewhere lovely Flowers

Justbreathing · 15/07/2019 14:10

I get why you sent that. I would have probably done the same.
But why are you letting him chose wether this is a relationship he wants to continue. What about you!

Pinktinker · 15/07/2019 14:17

Block him and move on. I know it’s difficult after investing months into someone but just thank yourself lucky it was months rather than years. He just wasn’t as into you as you were him, it happens.

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