DP on stag do...

[Heymummee]

Interested to hear other people’s views on this.
DP of 12 years went abroad for his best friend’s stag do. He left on Thursday, I haven’t heard from him since he said he was at on the plane waiting to leave.
We have 2 children at home. One of them is missing his dad, has tried to call him, but no answer and no call back. The other one is too little to really understand, but he has been asking for dada and looking for him. He will be back tonight, around 6pm.

I genuinely don’t know if I am in the wrong to expect to hear from him at some stage during his trip or if I am expecting too much and should just let it slide?

I have found out through someone else that he is indeed still alive. Aside from that, nothing.

YANBU, particularly with children at home. My DH went on a stag abroad on Thursday also as has been in semi regular contact, a few phone calls each day for a quick catch up, texts letting me know what activities they've been up to in the day and a text when he was on the way back to their villa after a night out and then another when he'd arrived back safely, even when I was asleep. A weekend away does not mean you should be omitted from memory for a few days.

It would literally take 10 seconds to send a quick text saying hi, asking about the kids and letting you know he's ok. My oh went away fri-mon a few weeks back and I deliberately didn't mention keeping in touch as I didn't want to cramp his style. But he rang me twice daily albeit briefly just to check in and let me know what he'd been up to. Off his own back.

I would be seriously pissed not to hear a peep since Thursday especially with kids involved too. Very thoughtless of him.

It wouldn't bother me personally. My DH used to travel when the kids were younger. He let me know he'd arrived safely and that was usually it.

This was pre smartphones though. These days he'll send some pics of his hotel room and the scenery.

If the kids are missing him, I'd text him to call and speak to them.

It's really not something that would phase me though.

I find the concept of an adult having to check in however frequently to be a bizarre one.

I think its absolutely fine for a parent to have a weekend where their children aren't their main priority. 3 days with no contact is absolutely nothing at all

I'd find it strange if my husband felt he had to contact me whilst away on a stag do.

This is far beyond checking in @WelcomeToShootingStars, he ignored messages. One of the kids could have been in hospital. A good parent won't ever check out of making sure their kids are ok. Few things in life can be so important that you can't have a 5 minute chat with your child before bed so they know they're loved; drinking booze definitely isn't in my list, nor DH's.

Also, on the sesh in Ibiza, a 10 second text would take me about an hour to type and send.

It's not a huge deal.

@WelcomeToShootingStars

I totally agree with you.

I'm fully capable of looking after my children, without DH checking in when he's away.

It just comes across as to needy to me tbh.

I was away for the weekend recently. I sent one message to say I'd arrived safely and that was it.

One of the ladies facetimed her DH and proceeded to give him a view of everyone but turning her phone round and panning across the dinner table. I found that very bizarre...almost like she was proving she was with us.

These 'stag trips' seem to be an excuse for grown married men to act like selfish arseholes.

He's probably sent a postcard.

One of the kids could have been in hospital

Then they'd be in the right place.

Unless it's life or death, I wouldn't bother my DH with this tbh. If it was critical, I'd tell him and expect him to get on a plane and come home.

What can he do from where he is and why ruin the weekend, even if a child was in hospital.

If the OP had an urgent message, she should have said so in her message...i.e. "call me urgently."

It doesn't sound like it was an emergency situation at all.

I agree that lots of phone calls is too much but the odd text cost nothing in terms of time and effort. Those getting calls a few times a day though, I agree that is OTT.

My H goes away a couple times a year 'with the lads' always calls me and kids at least once a day. This includes stag do's, even his own last year. I'd expect nothing less as we have kids together. Children still need contact from their father, 4 days is a long time to a child. So no, yanbu at all.

Children still need contact from their father, 4 days is a long time to a child

What about parents away in the armed forces? Are these kids unable to function without dad for 4 days?

It's not like he's abandoned the family is it.

I'd be furious-- though to be honest, I don't understand the culture of the modern "stag/hen do", anyway.*
Once you're old enough to be "settled" with a spouse and children, it seems strange and selfish to go on that kind of completely unnecessary trip.

Unnecessary according to you? Times have changed. Stag and Hen dos have changed. It's not a few pints in the local it a quiet Chinese/Indian meal these days for most people.

Being married and settled doesn't mean you can't participate in these activities. Life doesn't end and become a bore when you have kids.

There's nothing selfish IMO about going on a stag or hen weekend and leaving the other parent to look after the kids. Unless the inference is the parent left is incapable of doing so without a daily check in.

(Why can't a single night out be enough to celebrate before the wedding?)

It's a matter of choice. The same way a registry office wedding and a meal in a church hall is some ppls choice.

He left you on your own with young children just so he could leave the country and go on a four-day party binge with friends

You sound a bit archaic and not with the modern times.

It's a stag do. I expect both parents to be able to look after their DC without the other.

The comment infers the OP is vulnerable or
unwell and incapable of looking after her kids alone....and that he is aware of this.

If that is the case, then it's a different story altogether.

You're so cool @SandyY2K . I hope I can be just like you when I grow up.

Update - he’s realised he’s been completely unreasonable and apologised. I’ve also told him that so far, 859 mumsnetters agree that he was being unreasonable.
Thanks everyone for your input, it’s interesting to hear so many differing views on things and has really helped me today.

At least a text.

Easy to apologise now, after the event. Has he said why he didn't bother to contact you in the first place?

It's really disrespectful.

One of the children called his dad, but he never responded. He should have made the effort to at least send his child a 15 second text.

Bloody hell that is so thoughtless, aside from the fact you could be going out of your mind with worry, he has 2 DC and should surely want to know how they are? I’d be really hurt by this. Even if he didn’t call a few text messages wouldn’t go amiss.

My partner is away for two months right now (and is every summer).
Sounds a bit needy to me but I don't have children and am sure would feel differently if so

@CollaterlyS1sters

You're so cool @SandyY2K . I hope I can be just like you when I grow up.

Be yourself. Anything less makes you a fake.

You'll realise that when you actually grow up and become a fully functioning adult...provided of course that you have it in within yourself to be one.

I don't understand all this constant contact thing.
My husband went away for days, weeks and sometimes months at a time with work ( armed forces ) when our kids were growing up and neither of us felt the need to 'check in'.
I would sometimes go away for a weekend when he was at home, and didn't feel the need to 'check in'.
It feels needy and clingy to me to do so, but each to their own.

I’d have expected a text or two, and maybe a FaceTime over 4 days. I wouldn’t be expecting 3-4 phone calls a day but the odd, ‘Hiya, I’m still alive. How are the kids doing?’ message isn’t an unreasonable expectation.

What about parents away in the armed forces? Are these kids unable to function without dad for 4 days?
@SandyY2K Forces kids will be used to long periods of no contact (though e-blueys have improved matters). If on the other hand they are used to daddy being at home, suddenly losing contact will be a shock.

@DdraigGoch Not all forces kids are used to one of their parents being away frequently or for long periods of time, particularly these days.
The difference is that we just got on with it. (blueys have always been available since forever. The only difference is that you can type them out now rather than handwrite them, but they still go through the BFPO system at the same speed )