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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP on stag do...

144 replies

Heymummee · 14/07/2019 07:57

Interested to hear other people’s views on this.
DP of 12 years went abroad for his best friend’s stag do. He left on Thursday, I haven’t heard from him since he said he was at on the plane waiting to leave.
We have 2 children at home. One of them is missing his dad, has tried to call him, but no answer and no call back. The other one is too little to really understand, but he has been asking for dada and looking for him. He will be back tonight, around 6pm.

I genuinely don’t know if I am in the wrong to expect to hear from him at some stage during his trip or if I am expecting too much and should just let it slide?

I have found out through someone else that he is indeed still alive. Aside from that, nothing.

OP posts:
siring1 · 14/07/2019 09:18

He's only gone for 3 days for crying out loud!

MyOpinionIsValid · 14/07/2019 09:18

This is one of those 'it depends' scenarios. If DH ever had to work away, or went away on golf holidays, he was on strict instructions not to phone home unless it was an emergency = because you could bet every time he did, I'd just got in the bath, or was bathing the kids, of drifted off on the sofa, or was cooking ….. You now where he is , you know he's safe. Even after 28 years together I don't get his constant need for perpetual contact. A quick WhatsApp with a photo of the golf board for the day, and a return picture of the kids - that really should suffice. Your DH has only been away for 3 days.

Somersetlady · 14/07/2019 09:36

When i go away for my hobby (kids just 3 and 5) i dont phone home just send an odd text a d DH sends one to let me know the kids are fine. Totally getting away from it all helps me relax whilst knowing they are well cared for and all i have to do is concentrate on myself and my horse!

RagingWhoreBag · 14/07/2019 09:45

This would annoy me. My DP of 7 years has to go away on business a lot to various places around the world. Time difference means we can’t always speak easily but we do text every day, just little updates, thinking of you, goodnight etc

Even if your DP is hammered most of the time, the fact that he hasn’t even thought to say hi or check up on the DCs is VU. I’d be worried that he’s behaving like a single man, as he clearly feels like he owes nobody a call home.

EasyLifer · 14/07/2019 09:52

I wouldn't expect phone calls but I would hope for texts to say "good morning, good night, love you lots, hope all ok at home" kind of thing.

siring1 · 14/07/2019 09:54

Not sending a text is proof of having sex with prostitutes. Amazing!

Sexnotgender · 14/07/2019 09:57

I’d be pretty upset.

TheCatDidSay · 14/07/2019 09:59

I’d expect a I landed safely on way to hotel. Tell kids I love them.

Maybe a sober morning text. Morning name having a blast, hope you and kids are having a fab time.

Just waiting to get on plan home.

Just landed be back soon missed you and the kids (even if the missed bit was a lie)

That type of a thing a touching base once a day and safety ones re flying.

Awrite · 14/07/2019 09:59

YANBU My kids want to hear from whichever parent is away.

Pinktinker · 14/07/2019 10:00

YANBU. Completely selfish, I would be absolutely livid. One phone call a day wouldn’t kill him, selfish cunt.

Gatehouse77 · 14/07/2019 10:01

Based on work trips, DH would let me know he’d landed but other than that we only text each other if there’s something we need/want to say. When the children were younger he would try and call around bedtime but often, with time difference, it wasn’t possible.
I’m afraid I’m of the opinion that on something like a stag do I wouldn’t expect to hear from him. That said, he’d never go on one.

Original poster
Heymummee · 14/07/2019 10:27

We are all on the same page then.
I trust him and don’t think for one second he’s been up to anything whilst there, it’s just a little upsetting we didn’t enter his thoughts for long enough for even one text message.
He called about half an hour ago to say he’s at the airport and feeling ropey. Asked how the kids have been -very sheepish. I’ll be having a word tonight.
Thanks for your input everyone Smile

OP posts:
Moondancer73 · 14/07/2019 10:27

YADNBU
I'd be fuming! Just because he is away doesn't mean he can just go off and not bother calling you or texting you - that's just selfish and irresponsible

fedup21 · 14/07/2019 10:31

I would be really pissed off that he couldn’t even manage a text in all those days!

CurbsideProphet · 14/07/2019 10:32

We don't have children yet but when my DP was on a stag do weekend recently he sent me some WhatsApps and photos. All his friends on the stag do sent their spouses some messages and checked in. They aren't single men anymore and that's how it is!

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 14/07/2019 10:33

YANBU

how much effort does it take to make a quick phone call or at the very least send a text?

Mythreefavouritethings · 14/07/2019 10:39

User - you get a text once a day, which is what the OP would like, at least. And while you might be fine not hearing for 3 days, your DC might like a word..?

Moonflower12 · 14/07/2019 10:44

We went on a Hen Do recently and the MOH tried to take all our phones from us to stop us checking all the various children at home. We refused but maybe something like this has happened?

Aragog · 14/07/2019 10:47

Dh automatically checks in with both me and teen dh. When she was smaller he'd have called her. He doesn't go away overnight very often but always keeps in contact a little bit. Just a quick good night message would be better than nothing. It's just something you ought to do if possible, especially when there are little ones involved.

Bet if OP was away from home for a few days he'd expect her to check in and make sure the children were fine.

Aragog · 14/07/2019 10:47

Teen Dd (not dh!)

highlandcoo · 14/07/2019 10:53

When our kids were young and I had a weekend away with friends, to be honest I wanted to not worry about small issues at home. So I didn't keep in touch. Of course if there was a serious problem DH would have called. But just to hear that the kids had been squabbling, or someone had spilled juice on the sofa .. that was my daily life and a break from it was very welcome!

And when DH was away hillwalking with friends for a weekend, I didn't expect to hear from him either. He was free to relax and enjoy himself without feeling he had to keep checking in..

However we're of the generation who grew up without mobile phones and were used to not constantly being in touch. I'm sure that makes a big difference.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 14/07/2019 10:56

DH goes away with his friends approx 3-4 times a year for a few days and there is usually a stag do each year too.

No dc here but the rule is he has to check in once a day. His hobby is hiking and I like to know he hasn't fallen and hurt himself (after he did exactly that on one trip).

His checking in is usually a short call but I get text messaging sporadically. Wouldn't expect anything less tbh and I think your DH is being very selfish. I would be really annoyed in your shoes

DemelzaandRoss · 14/07/2019 11:10

YANBU.
Extremely uncaring, selfish behaviour. Behaving like a teenager, although our teenagers actually very kind & caring.
This would be quite a deal breaker for me. Hope it doesn’t escalate when you do talk to him about it. Maybe wait until tomorrow & when DC are not around. Good Luck.

martinidry · 14/07/2019 11:20

Deal breaker? Packing bags? Having words?

All over three days of a planned trip where, presumably, you have flight and hotel details in case of emergencies! Good grief, how claustrophobic.

It wouldn't occur to me to expect someone to 'check in' under those circumstances. Equally, I wouldn't expect to be placed under certain conditions when I went away socially.

MommaJP · 14/07/2019 11:35

When my Husband was on his stag do abroad I said as long as I know you have landed safe have a great time, I think it's a bit selfish and surely he'd want to speak to his LO?

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