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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP on stag do...

144 replies

Heymummee · 14/07/2019 07:57

Interested to hear other people’s views on this.
DP of 12 years went abroad for his best friend’s stag do. He left on Thursday, I haven’t heard from him since he said he was at on the plane waiting to leave.
We have 2 children at home. One of them is missing his dad, has tried to call him, but no answer and no call back. The other one is too little to really understand, but he has been asking for dada and looking for him. He will be back tonight, around 6pm.

I genuinely don’t know if I am in the wrong to expect to hear from him at some stage during his trip or if I am expecting too much and should just let it slide?

I have found out through someone else that he is indeed still alive. Aside from that, nothing.

OP posts:
testingtesting111 · 14/07/2019 17:54

70s v today is very different technologically. My husband is away weekly (min once per night) WhatsApp / FaceTime means he can call to check in. It's not a control thing, more of a we actually want to speak to each other - in my own husbands words, your husband's lack of contact is "pretty bad as it doesn't take long to make a call".

Aragog · 14/07/2019 18:01

I wouldn't expect someone to have a phone on them on holiday.

Really?
To be fair, for someone who normally has a mobile phone to not have one with them just because they've gone to a different place would be very unusual ime.
Surely, at the very least, he'd need to leave details in case of emergency.

Aragog · 14/07/2019 18:05

No. It's not the 1970s
People today are more precious by far.

Many of the people on this thread were probably alive in the 70s and 80s, without mobile phones. However it is no longer those days and time has moved on. Communication is perfectly possible and incredibly easy, so no excuses needed for radio silence when a parent goes away.

These people are the same people as before, no more no less precious.

And TBH these stag dos abroad for several days wouldn't have been going on in the 70s anyway. Stag and hen dos back then was a night out in your local town for a few drinks, with maybe a club afterwards at the most, with even them closing around 1 or 2am.

Densol999 · 14/07/2019 18:11

Wow ! No way would I put up with that and I am pretty liberal about a lot of things!
Im in a relationship now but previously I would go to Benidorm and saw first hand how stag do's ( and hen's) behave.
Id be furious with him and questioning your whole relationship
Takes 2 seconds to provide a quick text update

starsinyourpies · 14/07/2019 18:14

I would not expect contact unless something wrong on one end e.g. my DH was on a weekend away and I had to take DD to hospital, he answered phone and got on the next train back. (All was fine in the end and he went back the next day!)

Original poster
Heymummee · 14/07/2019 18:15

He called me earlier whilst I was out to let me know he was home and to tell me all about his trip.
I told him I’m furious I didn’t even get so much as a text, but what’s annoyed me more is the lack of contact about the kids.
He said he kept his phone in the room in a safe most of the time and when he was back in the room it would have been too late to be calling.
Ok then! Angry

OP posts:
NewYoiker · 14/07/2019 18:20

I would be so angry. Would it be okay for you to go off grid completely for 3 days? No of course not

Original poster
Heymummee · 14/07/2019 18:22

Absolutely not! And I wouldn’t dream of it. I don’t even so much as go out for a day without checking to see how everything is at home.
Maybe I’ve got things all wrong and need to give less of a shit?!

OP posts:
Whatsername7 · 14/07/2019 18:22

Nope. I would accept that as an excuse. A text can be sent any time. I think his behaviour has been crappy.

Whatsername7 · 14/07/2019 18:23

Wouldnt^

Whatsername7 · 14/07/2019 18:24

YANBU, op. Who goes away for a few days and pretends their wife and kids don't exist. He has been a complete and utter arse.

Original poster
Heymummee · 14/07/2019 18:25

He’s asleep on the bastard sofa. He can stay there!

OP posts:
Zaeem5 · 14/07/2019 18:28

What’s was the stag OP?

saffy1234 · 14/07/2019 18:34

Really unreasonable of him not to contact.Would he be happy if you did this?!I bet not.

Original poster
Heymummee · 14/07/2019 18:35

It was in a well known Spanish destination. Don’t want to say any more than that. Think booze cruise and overpriced clubs.
These are mid 30s-40 year old family men by the way. Not teenagers as the whole scenario might lead to you believe

OP posts:
testingtesting111 · 14/07/2019 18:38

Even if it was too late to call, he could have still sent you a text.

GivemeGinandTonic · 14/07/2019 18:42

Think the votes speak for themselves 90% YANBU. Literally 5 mins a day of a couple of nice messages or a call makes the WORLD of difference in these scenarios.
Knowing you’re not worth 5 mins a day is a kick in the teeth - been there

Opossooom · 14/07/2019 18:42

I ask my DP to text three times throughout the day. 1) to say he’s up 2) to say he’s going out and 3) to say he’s in. And I do the same for him. This way I know he’s safe, and yes there have been occasions where he’s actually ended up in fucking hospital 😀 we don’t have kids so no I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all.

CurbsideProphet · 14/07/2019 18:53

It depends on the relationship doesn't it. My DP went on a stag do to prob the same well known Spanish resort and chose to send me messages. If he hadn't I would have assumed something had happened to him. If that's the relationship you usually have then it's definitely not U to be unhappy.

Zaeem5 · 14/07/2019 18:57

Op, sorry to ask this, but are you sure he didn’t ring because of guilt about him / others having been with strippers? Or worse?

Gatehouse77 · 14/07/2019 19:02

We are all on the same page then.

Erm, no. I wouldn’t expect DH to do anything. He lets me know he’s landed but I I’ll always assume all is okay unless I hear otherwise. Vice versa from him with me being at home.
We’re currently on holiday and I’m getting really fed up with certain family members wanting updates, photos, etc. They can hear all about it when we get back.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 14/07/2019 19:13

"We went on a Hen Do recently and the MOH tried to take all our phones from us to stop us checking all the various children at home. We refused but maybe something like this has happened?*

Even if it it has, it's no excuse. If my DH was in that situation he'd refuse to hand over his phone because he'd want to check on the kids and for me to be able to get hold of him if there was a problem. They're adult men, not teenagers who can't resist peer pressure.

ILearnedItFromABook · 14/07/2019 19:49

Sounds like he's been an immature jerk, to not bother to contact you at least once a day to check in and maybe say hello to the kids. I'd be furious-- though to be honest, I don't understand the culture of the modern "stag/hen do", anyway. Once you're old enough to be "settled" with a spouse and children, it seems strange and selfish to go on that kind of completely unnecessary trip. (Why can't a single night out be enough to celebrate before the wedding?)

He left you on your own with young children just so he could leave the country and go on a four-day party binge with friends. The very least he could have done was to keep in touch. I understand that that's apparently alright with some people, but I'd be angry and hurt that my husband wouldn't have wanted to speak or text every so often.

MsDogLady · 14/07/2019 19:56

But it wasn’t too late to text.

He feels entitled not only to ignore you, but also to insult your intelligence.

CollaterlyS1sters · 14/07/2019 19:57

YA Definitely NBU.

I can't imagine not wanting to check in on my kids at least once a day.