Boyfriend went out yesterday and haven't heard from him since ...aibu to be annoyed?

[peear]

Yesterday my boyfriend went out at 9am for a "all day drinking session" for his friends birthday.
I got a Snapchat from him at 1pm saying "drunk"
I replied to it,he didn't open it for 5 hours,then he never replied.
Never heard a word since.
He was putting snaps on his story on snapchat but that was it.
He was last on WhatsApp at 9.30 pm
Aibu to be a bit pissed off that he couldn't even message to say "home safe"
Or even a "had a good day"

Whilst I agree with PPs that 6 months isn't long and you don't have to check in with someone you don't live with, I do sympathise with you OP. You say he was on social media until quite late on but he didn't bother to contact you at all. And it isn't a one off - you've said that he's always like this on a night out. That would make me feel a bit rubbish as well. My DH and I go on separate nights out sometimes, and if my DH happens to be on WhatsApp or whatever I'll usually get a little message or a drunken selfie or something. Not constant contact and being beholden to each other, but something. This is what happens naturally when someone is important to you and makes you happy - you're out having a good time and you check your phone for some reason and see they've been on WhatsApp and you share a little piece of your night with them. It takes about 3 seconds. Occasionally we might be way too busy to do this, or maybe your phone battery dies or whatever, but generally speaking if you're out all day and all night there is surely a brief interval in which you can send a social media message. This is obviously true in OP's partner's case as he was on social media until 9:30pm.

Maybe I've got it wrong and you're supposed to totally ignore each other if you aren't together or else you risk looking needy and codependent, but my relationship isn't like that and I wouldn't like to be in one that was like that. The odd but of brief social media contact takes a matter of seconds out of your night.

You're too needy and he's too inconsiderate.

I don't understand how I'm needy?
I don't expect him to text and text when he's out but just something,anything

"Imagine if this was the other way around, posters would be saying your behaviour is controlling and abusive."

It is.

There are many things I don't understand. One is why the 32 year old OP can't handle not having constant "in touch" attention from her boyfriend of 6 months.

Another is why she would find a man who drinks to excess and takes drugs attractive in the first place.

Over to you, OP.

You're only 6 months in and he's on a weekend with his mates. If it were me, I probably wouldn't message until I was back home and the hangover had started to disappear!

You clearly do expect it. You know when he was last on Snapchat, last on WhatsApp etc. You were sat there waiting for him to contact you while he's out with his friends and getting shitty that he might be communicating with his friends but not you.

Someone probably messaged him asking what pub they were in on WhatsApp, and Snapchat isn't exactly a platform fit in-depth conversation.

I'm going to go against the majority here and say I don't think it's too much for him to send the odd text. It doesn't have to be constant but one or two through the weekend isn't out of the way imo.
Having said that I think he's showing his true colours and I'd cut your losses now.

I don't understand how I'm needy? I don't expect him to text and text when he's out but just something,anything

"Something, anything"? There's your needy right here! Begging for "anything" a tiny crumb of recognition?? Have some pride, OP.

(also, I'm not on his side, but he did actually message you while he was out. SO you did get your "something", didn't you?)

To clarify: appreciating it if your partner drops you a message on a night out = not needy
Doing your nut all the next day because your partner hasn't messaged you back, winding yourself up, being this upset because you want "something, anything" from him, saying you can't handle it when you aren't in contact = NEEDY

I think the reason I expect it is because he messages /Snapchats me every day except when he is out getting drunk,then he forgets I exist.
When he isn't going out getting drunk,he's a really fun guy and I've been friends with him years (well kind of friends ,say hello etc )
Normally when he's hungover he's texting me all the time/snapchatting etc
This is out of the ordinary for him to be totally off everything

Is this someone you really want to invest your energy into and spend your life with? He's late 30s using drugs and going on a bender with mates. Chances are he is fine and just nursing a hangover, somewhere, and you are far from his mind. Consider cutting your losses.

Hen, it's been SIX months- you shouldn't be worrying about this sort of nonsense 6 month into a relationship.

Switch off your phone, go out and do something- he's not thinking about you so why are you thinking about him?

When he's out and getting drunk he's spending time with his friends so just leave him alone. You're not at the forefront of his mind all the time, and it'd be unhealthy if you were.

I still think YABU and your updates convince me more and more.

It sounds like you aren't comfortable with his lifestyle (which includes forgetting you exist when he's drunk). That isn't unreasonable, but I think you'll be disappointed if you try to get him to change - he's 36 and will be set in his ways.

It's your decision whether to carry on despite this incompatibility - I wouldn't bother, personally.

I just can't stand having no contact with him.

Then you are setting yourself up for a world of misery.

He likes to go out & get falling-down hammered now & then. From your post you seem ok with that. However as you're clearly not ok with losing contact with him, & spend the time "worrying" about him, maybe that's the issue you need to work on.

Have you ever attended a course along the lines of assertiveness or similar self-empowerment? Because it's sad that while your bloke gets to go out & do what he wants, you are wasting your own time with needless worry & yearning for contact. Can you not focus on your own hobby/evening out with friends/luxurious 'night off' evening in with yourself ...?

You are making yourself miserable over ONE night of no social media contact with him. This is why I feel you would benefit from some kind of self-help training, because until you build the internal resources to be able to rely on yourself for occasional periods, you are going to continue feeling fretful & anxious when your boyfriend is out without you.

Your available options are either to change boyfriend, to one who isn't interested in all-night benders, or to work on making some internal changes to yourself. Making the changes to yourself would give you a lifelong skill at being able to look after your own emotional state when you are alone - a huge benefit that will stand you in good stead throughout the future.

Why is it that you worry about him?
What is it specifically that you dislike about not being in electronic contact with him for a single night?
If you are able to work on questions like these, with an experienced counsellor/therapist, you will be giving yourself a huge gift. You can't control your boyfriend (& if the relationship is right for you, you shouldn't feel that you wish to) - but you CAN control your own response to the odd night without his company.

I hope you find a good expert to talk to & resolve some of these issues, because being unable to be alone for an evening without worry, anxiety, & a need to be in electronic contact is no way to live, & I suspect indicates some deeper seated issues: a professional counsellor could offer you a good deal of help & comfort in managing those.

Yabu. You are too needy and desperate for attention. When someone is out with their friends it's totally normal not to text - why the need for constant contact? He's not your therapist existing to keep your anxiety at bay. You will push someone away constantly pestering them when they're out. Let him breathe.

He is also bu, but to be honest, you must have known he was like this when you got together. He won't change at 36 and he won't change for you.

You're not a match

You aren't compatible.

But yet from your posts I get the feeling you will stay with him. If this is what you want from your life then crack on because it's unlikely to change. You will spend every weekend wondering why you aren't good enough to hear from him just to let you know he is safe. Or, you can take charge and dump him and move on and actually be happy

Sounds like my ex. Looking back now I’m older I realise he was an alcoholic. He caused me so much heartache and it took me a long time to get over him. I would never go near someone like that now.

Honestly you are worth so much more than him!! He sounds awful. He’s 36. Most men mature and grow out of doing things like he’s doing. He’s not putting you first or making you happy. There are many lovely men out there. Stop wasting time with him . He won’t change.

I don’t think YABU to expect some sort of acknowledgement. But I’d leave him, he’s 36 and still partying all day, posting stories on Snapchat (which even I and most of my friends, in our early 20s, don’t so). He’s clearly inconsiderate of you, just as you say he only bothers if he’s bored or has nothing else to do. Leave him, don’t look back and build up your self esteem.

If he's out drinking and doing coke then he won't even be thinking about you, he'll be too busy talking to literally anyone that will listen and making a plum of himself. If you do not do this yourself then you two are not and never will be compatible.

I wouldn't be worried about him. I'd be worried about myself if I stayed with him, though.

I really don’t think you are needy to want a 5 second text. Him messaging ‘am home, night x’ when he’s been out drinking for almost 24 hours and has form for getting himself into a mess would just be thoughtful. You just want to know he’s alright, not a one hour dialogue via text. Even my female friends in their forties and fifties send a quick text if they are walking home / getting a cab etc so we all know each other got back ok, and I don’t think a hammered guy should be any different.

I think the fact that he is 36 and still goes on all day drink benders and takes drugs to stay awake probably suggests that you aren’t all that compatible in terms of how you spend your free time (he sounds like a nightmare tbh) and he’d probably be better with a woman who also drinks like a fish, falls over and collapses in the street and shares her own drug stash with him. That’s not you - you’re not boring, you’re just more mature. I’m guessing you’d be a lot happier with a guy that doesn’t regularly act like your DP does.

Bin and move on, you are not compatible. And next time, don't be quite so desperate to be Not Single that you cling on to men who are either not worth the hassle or not that interested.

You do not want to see or hear from him trust me. My friend used to throw a sleeping bag in the shed when her OH had been out with rugby mates, he was not allowed back in the house until he had sobered up.

Don't waste any more of your time or emotion on him.
If he is not messaging you as he usually does through the hangover, you have to face the fact he has likely not been alone all night.
You need to move on. Now.

I didn't text him once yesterday apart from replying to his message earlier in the day.
I'm off shopping with a friend.
I'm just going to look at it "if he texts,he texts"
And actually think if I want to do this for the rest of my life.
It's a lovely sunny day today,we should be out for dinner,or going to the beach.
Just normal things you do when your dating.