Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend went out yesterday and haven't heard from him since ...aibu to be annoyed?

152 replies

peear · 14/07/2019 07:31

Yesterday my boyfriend went out at 9am for a "all day drinking session" for his friends birthday.
I got a Snapchat from him at 1pm saying "drunk"
I replied to it,he didn't open it for 5 hours,then he never replied.
Never heard a word since.
He was putting snaps on his story on snapchat but that was it.
He was last on WhatsApp at 9.30 pm
Aibu to be a bit pissed off that he couldn't even message to say "home safe"
Or even a "had a good day"

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 14/07/2019 08:25

I just can't stand having no contact with him

Only time he really bothers with me is if his home alone or nothing else to do it feels like

OK, I would invite you to use this time to have a calm, realistic think about the dynamics of this relationship.

You are six months in. And you are feeling stressed, insecure, needy and frantic, living from message to message, desperate to hear from him - entirely wrapped up in him emotionally to the point where you are flipping out because he hasn't messaged you the night after he's been out with his friends.

Meanwhile, he is fine and dandy - you are a pleasant distraction for when he has nothing better to do.

I don't think this is the guy for you, op. I think you are setting yourself up for a dynamic where you beg him for attention, and he provides it to appease you. You will spend months and years thinking "this relationship will be perfect if I can just explain to him how x makes me feel - I will finally feel happy and secure", where x is "let me know where he is at all times", "spend time with me as well as his friends", "make me feel like he cares about me". You might be able to hound him into doing these things for a bit, but he will always slide back. You will feel more and more needy and worse about yourself for having to beg, and knowing that, even when he does put you first it is only because you made a fuss about it.

Do you really think this is the guy for you? Wouldn't you be happier with someone who a) felt the same about you as you did about them, and b) didn't make you feel so frantic and needy?

twattymctwatterson · 14/07/2019 08:25

Op what age is this man? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who vomits and is injured when they go out? Especially given that you're a huge worrier. Basically that means you'll feel this way every time he gets drunk

TapasForTwo · 14/07/2019 08:25

If he likes to get drunk from 9 am, behave irresponsibly etc he doesn't sound like much of a catch. If he posts on Snapchat then I assume he is a teenager. IME mature adults tend not to use Snapchat. It seems to be very much the social media of choice for teenagers.

PookieDo · 14/07/2019 08:26

That is what I mean. Is this really what you want in a partner? To be sitting at home worrying if they are dead or alive?

Lizzielocket · 14/07/2019 08:26

Get rid, there is no future with a man like this unless you want to spend your Saturday evenings up most of the night worrying where the idiot is.

ZoeWashburne · 14/07/2019 08:30

Ok two main issues here:
1.) the other poster nailed it when they said: welcome to your life. This is how he acts. You can expect this for the rest of your life. You can’t get mad at him when he keeps doing this later when you love together

2.) you sound very controlling. I understand it is your anxiety, but why do you feel like you need constant contact with someone you have only been dating 6 months. You sound very needy and clingy.

You need to do some long, hard thinking about if this is actually going to be ok- because it sounds like you need someone who can give you constant reassurance and he is not that person. You need to decide if you can live without it, forever, or if you need to find someone who behaves in the way you expect.

What you cannot do is expect him to grow out of this, or change his behaviour to suit your neediness.

Original poster
peear · 14/07/2019 08:33

@twattymctwatterson he is 36.
I don't know how long it will last really
Eventually I won't be able to hold in how pathetic I think it is and he will dump me anyway for being boring

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 14/07/2019 08:42

Hmm, 36, I thought you were going to say he was 21! Does he often go out on the lash all day? Not the kind of bloke I would want to be with.

Given you've only been dating 6 months I think you need to let him get on with him. Different if you're married with kids at home. Not being able to stand having no contact with him is a bit weird though.

PookieDo · 14/07/2019 08:42

@FineWordsForAPorcupine

OP this was well put by Fine. You need to think about this.

hadthesnip2 · 14/07/2019 08:44

You 2 are just not suited. Let him dump you if he finds you boring & then you will he free to find someone who is right for you.At 36 he should be more of a "family man" & be concentrating on his dp. You cant change him, only he can do that.

Original poster
peear · 14/07/2019 08:45

@Ginger1982 not all day no but sometimes.
He is out every Friday /Saturday drinking tho.
He enjoys going to festivals.
He is going to Leeds next month.

OP posts:
Omzlas · 14/07/2019 08:46

Stop wasting your time and energy on this man child, he's kicking 40 and wants to act like a teenager. Let him crack on. Alone.

Original poster
peear · 14/07/2019 08:46

@FineWordsForAPorcupine that's the worst not knowing it's the "out of sight,out of mind" situation.
I can't honestly imagine my whole life like this unless he changed his ways and didn't get so drunk

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 14/07/2019 08:49

You sound controlling and anxiety ridden. I only send Dh and occasional text when I'm out with the 'girls'.

WhiteDust · 14/07/2019 08:50

Woah! Just read that he's 36!!! Hmm

I thought maybe 18 with all the snapchat stuff, all day drinking and going off grid... he's not a catch OP! Sorry to break it to you!

Whitney168 · 14/07/2019 08:51

He is out every Friday /Saturday drinking tho.

Christ alive, OP, he's 36 and not grown out of this, and you're ONLY 6 months in. What on earth could make you think this bloke is a decent prospect for a happy life?

Raise your bar and find someone else.

Shoxfordian · 14/07/2019 08:51

Yabu
Distract yourself when he's out
I don't message my dh when he's out and he doesn't message me. Try to manage your anxiety

PositiveVibez · 14/07/2019 08:52

Only time he really bothers with me is if his home alone or nothing else to do it feels like

You think he's your boyfriend. He thinks you're someone he is seeing casually.

Cut your losses.

Yabu to expect him to check in with you. You're not his mum.

He sounds very immature for a 36 year old. Snapchat and the like.

You sound like u need someone a bit more grown up.

Lllot5 · 14/07/2019 08:53

Seems like we have a number of these threads every weekend. DH or DP goes amongst the missing.
Fuck them if he wanders into a river! ( vivid imagination) that’s his problem. Turn your phone off go to bed. Let him wonder where you are.

Fleetheart · 14/07/2019 09:00

I think you need to get rid! Someone who drinks so much is not a great prospect (I say this from experience). Don’t let your life become a series of days where you worry about him. In your place I wouldn’t want a BF like this.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 14/07/2019 09:10

I can't honestly imagine my whole life like this unless he changed his ways and didn't get so drunk

Ah. This is a common trap to fall into and it comes in two flavours :

  1. "this relationship would be perfect, if only he would change [insert massive problem here] - how can I make him do that?"
  2. "this relationship would be perfect, if only he would change [insert massive problem here] - how can I make myself stop caring about it?"

OP, this guy isn't going to change just because you want him to, and you aren't going to talk yourself out of feeling hurt and neglected. So how long are you happy to stay in this relationship? A month? A year? The rest of your life?

LollyBmummyof3 · 14/07/2019 09:15

I thought he was very young and just having fun. But he’s 36??? He really needs to grow up, but doubt he will now. If you stick with him, this will be a regular feature of your life. I know, because my own dad was like this. The eternal teenager always out drinking, never there for my mum or me & siblings. He’s now 62 and still acts the same way. Luckily my mum got shot of him 20 years ago.

81Byerley · 14/07/2019 09:18

Love's young dream, eh? If he has this problem with alcohol, and controlling himself now, imagine what it would be like in 10 years time, if you had kids. It can only get worse. Dump him!

MaudebeGonne · 14/07/2019 09:21

No, he has done you a favour. At 36 if he is still acting like this it is either because he has no intention of changing, or can’t change cos he is an alcoholic. Cut your losses and run. There will never be any attention, time or money for you and anything you want to do. You can’t save him, mother him or change him. Block him and his number and free yourself from all this anxiety and stress.

FlamingoFlamenco · 14/07/2019 09:23

Only time he really bothers with me is if his home alone or nothing else to do it feels like

There's your answer. Forget about him and get on with your day. Too much time and energy is wasted on idiots like this.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.