To be so upset about our living situation?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

I’m feeling so down at the moment.
We bought our house last year while I was pregnant, we panicked because we needed to find somewhere and felt pressured due to the circumstances, it’s a Victorian terrace , an old mill worker’s cottage to be precise. The houses around this area of Yorkshire don’t really tend to have gardens and if they do the price is massively increased due to this feature.
Anyway, we didn’t have the means to spend above and beyond our budget, so after looking at lots of houses, we settled on this one because it overlooks a hillside both the front and back, deer and sheep are often grazing in front and behind our house and we are surrounded by lots of greenery, a nature reserve, a stream that runs opposite which has a lovely calming sound. There’s also a small field/park across the road which has swings (not baby ones unfortunately), other apparatus like a climbing frame, a seesaw etc. There’s also the stream which you can walk to and kids throw sticks in.

Anyway, all the aside, I feel like we’ve made a mistake and I can’t stop feeling down about it.
My little boy is only 9 months, but I know he’s going to need a garden to play in as he gets older and we don’t have one.
I grew up in the South East and gardens were just the norm, in particular large/long gardens. I was very fortunate I suppose to have grown up with a large garden which had space for a slide, basketball hoop, paddling pool, rabbit hutch and run etc. Most of my childhood was spent in the garden. Some of my earliest memories are sitting out there in the sun playing.
I feel so sad that my DS is going to miss out on this.
The house itself isn’t huge either, it has a large living area, a small kitchen with no room for a table and chairs, a large bathroom (one of the selling points), our master bedroom is quite spacious and there are two attic rooms , one of which will be our DS’s bedroom (he’s still in with us at the moment).
I feel like there’s nothing positive about this house, except maybe the area/views.

There’s no way we can afford to buy a house and remortgage any time soon. I’m still on mat leave and only going back part time.

Can anyone help me get out of this horrible cycle of guilt and failure/letting my son down that I feel?

I also have anxiety and depression, so I often compare my life to others/feel guilty for no real reason.

That just screams out from your posts. The house is lovely, the yard is lovely. I know because that's basically my gran's house and I loved it. And your son will love it because it's his home.

That yard could be stunning. You need to get yourself on Pinterest.

It’s all relative. If you grew up with a large garden and enjoyed it (as I did) I can understand why a yard would seem inadequate dispite there being lots of lovely things to do nearby. Your son will not have known a life without a garden so he won’t miss it but will probably love the park/stream

Guys. Because someone has more than others doesn't mean they can't be unhappy about aspects of it.

That yard could be a lovely courtyard style garden with very little work and it’s more than big enough for a couple of folding clothes airers.

I second that! You could most likely even fir something cool for DC and fold down wall mounted table with couple of folding chairs. It can be put away when space is needed.bit of colour with wall mounted colourful planters and maybe a sand pit you can cover when not in use.

Oh and maintaining a large garden with a baby to look after is very difficult as we have found.

Your childhood sounds lovely.

But didn't you feel like you missed out, because you didn't have a stream across the road, and deer and sheep grazing opposite you, and a park to run around in....?

Your post reminded me of people that feel guilty they only have one child, because their own childhood was defined by siblings. Only children are always quick to point out that their childhoods were equally happy, in different ways.

And so it will be for your son. He'll just build different memories.

You can fit a wall hanging airer on the back wall of your house (I had one at old house through laziness - I wanted it right by the back door!).

You can use the walls for planters that he can help you tend, and put out a sand/water table. A small barrel pond with some fish. Get a pet cat - they're better than rabbits (I have both)! It's enough space for a dog too - the upside of only having a small toilet area is it's easy to keep sanitary. If you had a bigger garden and the dog did a stealth poo - bleck... I liked the previous poster's idea of making the gate a chalkboard using paint - though the floor can be drawn on with chalks.

It will all be OK. More than OK. I know that part of the world well and it's beautiful - a wonderful place to live. But you do sound quite low, my lovely. Be kind to yourself. Think of everything you ARE offering your child. He has the world's most beautiful playground right on his doorstep.

I know the area (or thereabouts) and those homes are lovely. Get yourself on Pinterest to see what can be done with a small yard to make it flexible for growing, dining, playing... something like the ikea fold-down garden table would be good, coupled with a trellis of climbing roses. I know it’s easier to let the children loose out back rather than get dressed/packed for going out, plus possibly driving out etc, but get into the habit now and you will make the most of your amazing settings! Help yourself by keeping a basic bag always packed by front door, and decent outerwear on the hook... look to what groups are about, the plus side is you and your child will get to socialise more when out!

I can empathise - for the first 3-4 years of DS’s life we lived in tiny terraced/flats and I kept thinking of my own childhood with huuuuge garden, weekly beach trips etc (or comparing us to friends with large semi-detacheds) and all it did was make things worse than they really were.

Hi OP: I'm inferring that your name is a clue to where you're now living. It's a beautiful part of the world, and there's a lot to like about it. I'm not so far away from you, and I like to visit that bit of Yorkshire as often as I possibly can.

You might want to have a peek at the Attic 24 blog - she lives in a house similar to yours and it looks beautiful. Look after yourself, and that lovely boy of yours.

I get where you're coming from OP, but you do need a metaphorical slap!

I grew up in a large detached house in the suburbs with a huge garden. DH grew up in army accommodation and never had a room to himself as he had to share with his brother.

We bought our first house about 13 years ago, it's a small three bed terrace with a yard just like yours. We never intended to stay here longterm, but here we are, three kids later, still here.

I have felt like you, but ultimately, we have a roof over our heads, money to spend on what we want, and a large park across the road. When moaning to my mum she reminded me that both her and my dad grew up in flats in London - having a garden is not the be-all and end-all.

Adjust your expectations. How did your DH grow up? What about cousins, friends? Did they all grow up in a spacious house with a garden, or did they vary?

PS we've just bought a set of garden chairs for our yard and go out regularly to the park to ride bikes. It's nice.

I understand that feeling OP. Slightly different in that I have a huge garden (that brings problems in itself - becomes an overgrown mess if left for any amount of time!) I have a lovely big house with stunning views, mortgage free and I HATE it here :( I know how fortunate we are but try as I may (and I really do try to count my blessings) I can't find happiness here.

It's where my DH grew up so he's happy as a clam but it's opposite of my childhood and I can't help but feel I'm doing my children a disservice bringing them up here. It's rural, isolated, boring and the nearest town (where they will be going to school) is honestly a bit of a dump. I feel so stuck with no financial means to change things.

Sorry to hijack your thread OP, but I think you're getting a hard time by some posters so wanted to offer solidarity.

I used to be of the mindset that everything has to be perfect to work but as I've got older I can see this isn't the case. Be grateful for the small things, some people are bringing children up in flats or hostels

We live in a back to back. All the kids play in the street plus there is a park in walking distance. Yes it would be nice to have a garden but we can’t afford it.

OP I’m thinking you might be upset about something else and displacing it into the garden issue?

We did 2 years in a flat with no garden, then 2.5 years in a maisonette with a small yard. Neither had parking within half a mile. We had plenty of fresh air, you have plenty of countryside to access. It's not your ideal but make the best of the wonderful countryside that you don't have to cut or weed and save for the future. Just remember that his friends will have similar houses and will be used to enjoying the countryside.

Great suggestions above. Levelling off the ground with a uniform surface will improve it greatly.
Obviously all allowing for finances when they are right, and also getting creative with the existing room lay out:
Knocking through the back wall and installing double doors to get the maximum light and the feel of an extra room.
To gain extra space if your backyard door opens into the the space reverse the entire and open out if allowed or install a stylish, sturdy door on recessed tracks - you gain back space of around a metre squared.

I'm just spitballing as the yanks say, You have a lot to work with and great surrounding as well. :)

I spent a fortune moving my family from a terrace with a postage stamp garden to a house with a bigger garden. My two DC rarely go in it!

I know plenty of very happy children reared in flats and houses without gardens.

When we bought our house we wanted a yard like that. Provided we could have a small table, take an after out and plant a few pots we would have been happy. Ended up with a garden we never have time to tidy. I bet there are some lovely ideas on Pinterest.

The first thing I thought from reading your post was that you have a young baby and may be depressed? You must know on an intellectual level that you live in a gorgeous part of the country, so I feel like your mental state is skewing your perspective. You’re a great mum and you are giving your baby a lovely home, I don’t know if that’s what you need to hear, but it sounds like worry about doing the best for your son is also an underlying factor.
If you have the energy get a baby back pack and walk in the hills, look at how beautiful it is and hopefully the fresh air and access to nature will be healing for you. I also think you would feel better if you made your court yard lovely. Do you have Netflix? Big Dreams Small Spaces shows people making amazing gardens some of them from courtyards. One particular couple have a space definitely no bigger than yours and a tiny budget. You could put up terracing and climb roses and clematis round the walls, it could be lovely!

I grew up in a top floor flat without a table and chairs, and the nearest park was/still is frequented by drug users. I was fine and have turned out to be quite successful! I feel that its short-sighted for you to worry about not having a garden when so many children grow up perfectly fine without them.

I’d put some foam outdoors mats down, put a fold up toddler slide in, some little outdoor toys underneath. Get rid of the plant pots, save for one where I’d let the little one grow stuff in, or fill with sand so he can play with that. Totally manageable. Fold up outdoor airer for the washing.

Re: Hebden Bridge area, do not know what it is like now but my god daughter went to the loveliest little primary school, so education is a plus in areas like this.

Hahahaha!
I live in a house with quite a large (for a city) garden. It's amazing. We have enough space for a table and chairs, a bbq, a largish paddling pool etc.
It's also a rented house. I will never have any housing security and my landlord could, at any moment, decide to sell up.

I'd rather be in your situation op. Your home sounds lovely.

We used to live in a Victorian Terrace and had a (very badly maintained) yard when DS1 was aged 1-4, it was brilliant for him, honestly. Enough space to get out and hang washing, have a little water play, a little digging area - and no garden maintenance or problems with cat poo. If I'd been a bit more proactive we definitely could have made it into a gorgeous little secret courtyard type place which I would have loved. Little bench, trailing plants in hanging baskets, fairy lights, maybe a water feature (once DC old enough not to mess with it). You could have a folding cafe type table out there as well. Change the concrete flooring to tiles or brick if you want to (or just embrace it as it is).

We were always at the park but we had our private space as well. I also think the history of these terraces and their yards is gorgeous and while yes it would have been lovely to have a massive garden like I grew up with - it would have been completely out of our price range.

CathyandHeathcliff - I would recommend a free online course from Yale University on the Science of Well-Being - it will open your eyes on what does (and doesn't) make us happy, and why.

Your housing situation is not a bad one. It is your own home, first and foremost, and you managed to buy it whilst pregnant which is great! We live in a similar terrace in Yorkshire (renting) so I totally understand what the back yard looks and feels like - that's the trade-off between the area and the actual house isn't it? You've done your best and that's all you can do. Now is the time to appreciate it. If you never stop to feel grateful for what you have, happiness will always be out of reach.

Are there any allotments near you OP? That might be a way of creating your own ‘outdoor’ space. You could do a veggie bed, and a big wildflower bed with some paths to run around in. You could also make a play area, even if they don’t allow things like climbing frames (some of them have rules about the structures you can put up I think) your little boy could have a ‘mud kitchen’ and sand pit maybe?