To be so upset about our living situation?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

I’m feeling so down at the moment.
We bought our house last year while I was pregnant, we panicked because we needed to find somewhere and felt pressured due to the circumstances, it’s a Victorian terrace , an old mill worker’s cottage to be precise. The houses around this area of Yorkshire don’t really tend to have gardens and if they do the price is massively increased due to this feature.
Anyway, we didn’t have the means to spend above and beyond our budget, so after looking at lots of houses, we settled on this one because it overlooks a hillside both the front and back, deer and sheep are often grazing in front and behind our house and we are surrounded by lots of greenery, a nature reserve, a stream that runs opposite which has a lovely calming sound. There’s also a small field/park across the road which has swings (not baby ones unfortunately), other apparatus like a climbing frame, a seesaw etc. There’s also the stream which you can walk to and kids throw sticks in.

Anyway, all the aside, I feel like we’ve made a mistake and I can’t stop feeling down about it.
My little boy is only 9 months, but I know he’s going to need a garden to play in as he gets older and we don’t have one.
I grew up in the South East and gardens were just the norm, in particular large/long gardens. I was very fortunate I suppose to have grown up with a large garden which had space for a slide, basketball hoop, paddling pool, rabbit hutch and run etc. Most of my childhood was spent in the garden. Some of my earliest memories are sitting out there in the sun playing.
I feel so sad that my DS is going to miss out on this.
The house itself isn’t huge either, it has a large living area, a small kitchen with no room for a table and chairs, a large bathroom (one of the selling points), our master bedroom is quite spacious and there are two attic rooms , one of which will be our DS’s bedroom (he’s still in with us at the moment).
I feel like there’s nothing positive about this house, except maybe the area/views.

There’s no way we can afford to buy a house and remortgage any time soon. I’m still on mat leave and only going back part time.

Can anyone help me get out of this horrible cycle of guilt and failure/letting my son down that I feel?

It sounds gorgeous. My dB brought up their child in a house with no garden in a village that had a huge park at the bottom of the road - they just went there after school every fine day.

I thought you were going to be posting that your two sons and daughter have to share a room in a two up two down or that the walls were covered in black mould due to the damp or something.

You obviously live in a lovely area so just go out to parks/countryside every day. Kids don’t care about the weather and with waterproofs/thermals and flasks of hot chocolate & a picnic, no matter what time of year, our DC had a fantastic time. We do have a garden but had a very active dog so we’re always out with her, to the point that the garden was hardly used tbh until after she had passed and we stopped going to the country park every day when DC was 11.

Maybe a visit your dr if your anxiety/depression is making you feel like this. Prehaps an increase/change in medication/counselling could help you feel a bit better but you, honestly, are not letting your son down.

Sounds lovely OP! I agree with Teachermaths, change what you can. My DP and I were in a similar situation earlier this year (disappointed with some features of the house/garden, stuck renting in an area we didn't want to buy in, but wanted to stay in catchment area). We watched a few episodes of Marie Kondo on Netflix for inspiration then changed as many things as we could with a small amount of money. We felt like we had fallen in love with the house again when we had finished.

Does it really not even have a yard?😮

Read back your OP and surely you can see how you sound spoilt?

You have the country on your doorstep, go out and explore. Millions of kids grow up without having a garden or indeed the beautiful surroundings you seem to have.

Houses can be exceptionally cheap in yorkshire. Either you need to go back full time to afford the extra space, move to a cheaper location, or you accept what you have is enough.

I cannot afford my own home. My daughter will never have a garden. She will live and it won't be the end of the world. I'm currently sat in the dark on mumsnet because we live in a studio flat and dd is asleep. We don't have light fittings, let alone a garden 😬. Count your blessings.

I wouldn't worry. We have a big garden and spent a lot of money on a huge climbing frame, trampoline etc.... It is slowly rotting away, unloved. The kids want to play on computers or go out and play with other children. Sounds like your house is lovely, you don't have the headache of a garden (ours is unmanageable) and I'd swap to something like yours in a heartbeat!

Could you put your name down for a local allotment? That way you could teach them to grow veg, grow flowers etc, spend time down there as a family.

It’s sad that you feel so low.

The house itself sounds lovely. Does it have no yard at all? You could fix one of these outside for washing if you have even a strip of land:
www.johnlewis.com/brabantia-wallfix-wall-mounted-clothes-outdoor-airer-washing-line-silver/p173204
If you have a yard similar to houses in York etc get on right move looking at terraces on the south bank for example and you will see many tiny yards which have been made lovely with outside seating and pots.

Practically your DC has great outside space if you live across from a rec. Of you’re not a gardener it can in some ways be a blessing to have little outside space as nothing to feel guilty about neglecting.

Bit of a long term suggestion but if you are anywhere near Saltaire go to the open houses art trail which sadly isn’t until next May. This will give you an opportunity to nose in many Victorian millworkers houses which people have made lovely in all sorts of different ways.

Also if you watch the first episode of this series of Old House New Home that had a small Edwardian workers cottage which I thought they really made the best of.

Sorry maybe I'm missing something have you got a back yard or a front yard or nothing outside at All.

When I was growing up my family moved county 4 times due to my dad's work. The gardens and houses got bigger with each move! Now I'm lucky enough to own a house in a large city but with have no front garden and a minute back garden! We do have a small green near the house and we are very near several large parks including the largest walled park in Europe. My two daughters didn't miss out by not having a garden to play in!

Your house sounds lovely and the surroundings sound positively idyllic. The lack of a garden is really nothing at all because within such a short distance your child with have plenty of places to run around and play I think that that's probably better than any garden would be.

so instead of a garden your son will have a park with other children, and a stream to play with? Sounds lovely, much better than your own garden. He'll make friends there too.

You might miss a line to dry your laundry, and being able to let your kid play unsupervised in your own garden, he won't be missing out on anything. It sounds like he will have a lot of outdoor space that you won't need to maintain yourself.

The allotment is a very good idea too.

Small children aren't that fussed about gardens they just want to be where you are. In 5 years time when he is bigger then if you really want a garden you might be in a better position to move. For now though your situation sounds perfect. FWIW we've always had a garden and DD has always chose to play out the front with her friends instead.
This isn't something you need to worry about, enjoy what you've got instead.

@falafelaboutit An allotment is a great idea!

The house and area sound lovely, I’ve never known a terraced house to not even have a back door. Most at least had a yard and an old scullery. Especially industrial ones as the workers would come home filthy and wash in the scullery first.

Sounds great, and you've nothing to feel guilty about. I think most under-45s in the UK feel that their housing situation is nowhere near as good as what they expected when they were growing up. So many families in insecure rented accommodation, and so many who just scraped on to the housing "ladder" worry about being stuck in a starter home indefinitely. It's a pretty endemic problem.

Friend lived outside Hebden Bridge your home sounds so similar to hers. My two used to love visiting, trees to climb, stream, amazing views, such a peaceful place. It is when they are teenagers and you have to ferry them around it can be a trial at times.

You sound like you have a lovely house in a beautiful area. I totally understand where you are coming from though it's being a mum it makes us feel guilty as hell.
Ive got a three bed house with two tiny bedrooms, one only fitting a bed in and a chest of draws. I feel this horrendous guilt and feelings of failure everyday, even though I know realistically I'm so bloody lucky compared to some.
It really is just Mum guilt your house sounds lovely and the area beautiful I would love to live in the countryside.

OP, do you get out the house a lot? Do you have a car? Can you drive?

There must be so many great areas around you to explore. Maybe it will require you doing a lot of the legwork but there is no reason that your son can’t spend lots of time outdoors. Garden are great but in the grand scheme of things they aren’t always used for that many years by kids. If you live in a safe area you lad might be able to go out with friends and play in the fields or the street fairly young.

I’m wondering if it’s you that has cabin fever at the moment? Can you open the front door and sit on a garden chair at the front of the house?

Look on the bright side you could live in a lovely house with a garden, but in a really bad area.

Hi OP

You said you think you made the wrong choice. But it sounds like you didn't have a choice. You couldn't afford a garden. So you chose what you could afford.

Millions and millions of people live in apartments and their kids are perfectly fine
Maybe your circumstances will change

But if they don't, ask anyone what they enjoyed about their good childhood and not many say a large garden

I think your anxiety and depression are causing you to find problems where there really aren't any. You are catastrophising.

Your son won't miss what he's never had. With water so close, would you ever really have just let him play in the garden without keeping a close eye on him? If you're going to watch him, then you can watch him play up on the hills or elsewhere in the village. You can hang washing out of the windows on a hanger thingie or on a clothes horse outside the door. You can take picnics into the fields.

It will be fine, OP. Maybe mention to the doctor that you are feeling a bit 'low' though.

I would not like to live somewhere with no outdoor space. However, it sounds like there are lots of good things about where you live. You can't afford to move, so make the best of it.