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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think you get less respect if you are fat

259 replies

Jojobears · 13/07/2019 16:55

I’m currently fat (16/18), but have been slim previously.

I don’t know if it’s just my self esteem levels, but I really feel that I have less respect from people when I’m fat. Although I could be imagining it.

So, can I ask, do you treat people with less respect if they are fat.

Ps I’m not a daily fail journo. Heaven forbid they employ anyone with a house worth less than 500k

OP posts:
Gide · 13/07/2019 23:51

I’ve made very good progress in my career, bar a few years, I’ve always been obese. I don’t think my weight has affected my career opportunities.

Walnutwhipster · 14/07/2019 00:03

@Jojobears I'm a size 6/8 and I doubt anyone thinks I'm classier due to my size. I do think much larger people are judged, especially women.

MamaOomMowWow · 14/07/2019 00:13

Doesn't it mainly boil down to the fact that people like attractive people more and treat them (usually subtly) in a better way? Most people find slimmer people more attractive. Obesity is associated with ill health which is obviously a turn-off for most people.

Also, I think if you're fat a lot of people think "Why should I listen to you? You don't even know how to take care of yourself." Possibly subconsciously, possibly not.

I grew up fat and had an awful time at school where the difference in treatment is not at all subtle. As an adult I went vegan and have since generally been a normal weight or at most only a little overweight, but am currently obese since being pregnant as I gained a crazy amount of weight. I've lost approx 10kg/a stone and a half but still have another 15kg/2.5 stone before I am a healthy weight again. I'm partly doing it for my health but I have to admit I'm looking forward to being seen as slim by everyone else.

JonnyPocketRocket · 14/07/2019 00:24

I definitely have some very ungracious thoughts about fat people who I don't know. They're fleeting, and I do usually catch myself and realise how awful I'm being. But if they're e.g. out of breath walking very slowly and holding up the people behind them my immediate thought is "well if you weren't so fat you wouldn't be struggling so much would you?" Equally if I'm next to a very fat person on the bus and I have to sit with half a buttock off the seat I feel very annoyed at how much space they're taking up.
I have friends of all sizes from 6-20, who I love dearly and would never think badly of because of their weight - I think because I know their situations and what's led to their weight gain. When I catch myself thinking ungenerous thoughts about a fat person I don't know, I have to remind myself that they also have a story. But I can't pretend I don't have those initial unkind thoughts, fleetingly, before I catch myself Sad

MamaOomMowWow · 14/07/2019 00:27

This is from a piece Elna Baker did for the This American Life radio show/podcast that explains it.

A year out of college, I took stock of my life. It was not going as planned. I was unemployed, and I had never been in a relationship. I tried for the life I wanted, hard. I got a scholarship to NYU. I was a huge flirt with lots of guy friends. But it felt like there was an invisible force blocking me from achieving my dreams.

Sure, I'd think, is it because I'm fat? But then I'd think, don't be paranoid. I refused to believe that people were that shallow. It had to be more complicated. I tried to put my finger on it, but I just couldn't figure it out. Once I lost weight, I realized, it was all because I was fat.

It felt like that famous Eddie Murphy sketch on Saturday Night Live, where he goes undercover in whiteface and gets treated way better. He rides the city bus. And when the last black rider gets off, music starts. A cocktail waitress in a sequined dress hands out martinis. That's what I felt like-- like this whole other world for thin people had existed alongside mine, a world they've been keeping a secret from me.

When I was fat and I walked down the street, people would stare. I'd hear comments that I would ignore. Occasionally someone would shout something out at me. In this new world, when I walked down the street, attractive men and women would do something to me they'd never done before. They would look me up and down, and then they would nod their heads. Thin people nod at each other?

One day, I went to pay for my groceries at a deli and realized I was short, off by a full $10. I looked at my pile and began debating what would stay and what would go. The deli guy waved his hand. "Just take it," he said. Take it? I walked out cautiously, not sure what had just happened.

So I tried the same thing at a different deli, this time on purpose. I picked out more items than I had money for. Then I faked debating which ones to choose. "Just take it," the man behind the counter said. Soon it was a scam I ran all over the city. It wasn't about saving money. I wanted to know, is this is a thing? It's a thing.

Of course, I'd lost the weight to fix two specific problems. I wanted to get a job and find love. Old Elna looked for a job for a year and a half. New Elna was offered work a month after she hit her goal weight, an entry-level position on an actual TV show.

I was hired to be a page at the Letterman show. My job was to walk down the line of people waiting to go into the theater and divide them into three groups-- dots, generals, and CBS twos. The dots were the beautiful people. They got seated in the first three rows. Usually those were the only rows you saw on television.

Generals were average people. They sat in the order they arrived. CBS two was for fat people, elderly people with a visible illness, people who looked like they might be disruptive, and goths. I'd scribble CBS two on their ticket. And that was code for, seat them in the back three rows at the balcony-- the nosebleed seats. I'd seen Letterman a few years earlier. I was near the front of the line and somehow ended up in the nosebleeds. I remember being confused by it. The day I was trained, I put it together.

ShastaBeast · 14/07/2019 01:04

It’s definitely a thing. I’ve not experienced it personally but fat phobia is endemic, especially the media. I know I absorb it and hear the comments in my head, plus things others have said about fat people such as my dad (who is overweight, diabetic and very unhealthy and lazy). I feel terrible about myself when I gain weight and end up dieting again, so I’ve only just slipped into size 14 at most before regaining control. I’m a comfortable size 10, even managed to fit a size 8 dress today, and I’m not remotely skinny, so agree it’s not offensive for a size 12 to be considered not skinny either.

It does appear that fat = lazy, ill disciplined and lacking control. I know that’s true for me when I gain weight but totally see it’s not reflective of my ability at work. I suspect the unhealthy thing is a factor as beauty is linked to health. Plus class and education due to general correlation between educated middle class people being slimmer - humans are lazy in their thinking so stereotype.

Ultimately it’s not good to carry extra weight and we all need to be more careful and exercise more. I don’t think individuals are strong enough to tackle this alone and we need the government to step in to reduce unhealthy food outlets and force companies to reduce sugar and unhealthy fats and carbs in processed food.

WellThisIsShit · 14/07/2019 01:22

I’m disabled and can’t walk. I have to use a scooter/ electric wheelchair. I am now rather fat*

And people make the assumption that I’m just in a wheelchair because I’m fat(?!)

It’s a really slick and easy assumption to make about someone, it doesn’t even stand up to logic, but hey, who cares about stuff like that when there’s a vulnerable person you can hate and hurt. I’m not even That Fat. But I’m fat enough to make me someone to victimise, and be cruel to. And it really, really, hurts.

By the way, I’m fat because I comfort eat due to my situation, which is that my whole life fell apart due to the fucked up genetic illness that was a delightful surprise a few years ago. It means I can’t walk, or even sit up or support my own head for very long, it also killed my father and sister, it will kill me. I soooo I wish I didn’t eat too much crap, but I do.

And unfortunately my body just compounds my isolation, as people really don’t like a disabled fat woman. I’ve had the looks, and the sneers, the deliberate refusal to make room for my chair etc.

I don’t get why people find it so gratifying, the laughter and the insults ‘just lose some fucking weight fatso and walk like the rest of us’ etc etc.

TearingMeApart · 14/07/2019 01:36

I’m 14/16 but short, so it looks like more. I’ve put on about 3 stone in the last couple years because of terrible mental health, and I’ve definitely noticed the difference. I still get treated well enough, but where people used to almost go out of their way to be nice, now it seems like an afterthought that they’re paying me any attention or considering whatever I’ve just said as valid.

DickZillaofTheVilla · 14/07/2019 01:41

I’ve put on 7 stone over the past 6 years and there is a marked difference how people treat me. And since I cut all my hair off a few months ago it’s really got worse. Things like security guards suddenly following me around shops I’ve shopped in all my life Hmm

MamaOomMowWow · 14/07/2019 01:43

I have to use a scooter/ electric wheelchair.

I don't know why but people seem to think that regular wheelchairs are for people who are disabled and scooters are for people who are elderly or obese but not otherwise disabled. I don't know what the reason for this is other than perhaps stereotypes.

I always try to remember that if I were in a wheelchair I would be a lot bigger because (even if I weren't comfort eating) I wouldn't be able to burn the calories that I usually burn walking.

floraloctopus · 14/07/2019 01:45

Yes. Fat people are treated appallingly at times but it's not just their weight as the workplace bully miss popular is morbidly obese but Miss unpopular is too.

shepcountthebloodysheep · 14/07/2019 01:50

You also get less respect the shorter, older and uglier you are! We are not an equal society.

That's it then. I'm 5ft, ugly and in my 50s.

ShastaBeast · 14/07/2019 01:58

WellThisIsShit
Sorry people are shit. I struggle with mobility and pain but it’s not degenerative so I try to fight back, exercise (and possibly losing weight) has helped a lot but it’s hard to get to that point due to the pain. I know obesity can be linked to health issues so remind myself of that if I see anyone in that situation. I can see it’s easy for people like me to spiral with weight, inactivity and more pain, never mind if you feel hopeless and it won’t help you “get better”.

QueenBeee · 14/07/2019 06:40

I used to do a long shop in John Lewis every few months, as I didn't live near good shops. I always got better service if I'd dressed nicely, wore a bit of make up and had my hair clean and shiny.
If I went in in jeans /scruffy trainers, hair needed washed I was seldom helped without chasing them up.
It's basically giving a good first impression. If you can't be arsed to comb your hair its not so surprising others can't be arsed to engage with you. I think a fat person who looks smart will get much the same attention as a slim person, though it's probably easier to look well turned out if you're slim.

StumpyinSomerset · 14/07/2019 07:22

You also get less respect the shorter, older and uglier you are! We are not an equal society

That's me out,then,I'm 5ft,nearly 55,no oil painting AND I'm fat.

I best tell my family,friends and workmates to stop respecting and liking me,then!

Hadenoughofitall441 · 14/07/2019 07:55

The thing is it all boils down to judging a book by its cover.... I flit between 17/18stone, I eat well but don’t even eat that much but the medication I take for hypothyroidism is very well know to make you gain weight, luckily I do enough exercise to make my weight stay between a certain amount. I don’t smoke or drink and am stronger than most men I know. I’ve come to accept this and they regularly test me for diabetes just in case. I find it horrible when big people are ridiculed for thier size especially when others don’t know thier back story, they just assume.

salsmum · 14/07/2019 08:31

I was suspended from an internet site yesterday for pulling people up about fat shaming! I watch a programme called 90 day fiancé and there's a young woman on there who's madly in love but sadly the feelings are definitely not precipitated she was called a useless mum and a fat **it and a dirty fat pig! I did not use abusive language but I did say there's no need to bring her weight into it and was promptly taken off 😵. Sadly imo I've found that overweight people and disabled people are still openly discriminated against and I think k it's wrong ( just like any other forms of discrimination).

pastyballbag · 14/07/2019 08:32

Yanbu

Jojobears · 14/07/2019 08:39

Jonnypocket. Thanks for being honest; to me, and mostly to yourself. It takes guts to look at yourself and what you think like that

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 14/07/2019 08:44

I work in banking and find that whether your fat is acceptable or not depends more on whether your face fits in the organisation or not. Generally white women are deemed acceptable and normal even at a size 16/18 while a POC woman of the same size is often judged.

Pointlessness · 14/07/2019 08:47

I have more comments about my size now than I did when I was larger.

I think slim people, slimmer than the norm - that is being overweight/carrying an extra stone or two - are treated with less respect than their peers who are 'the norm'.

Lamentations · 14/07/2019 08:50

I've been guilty of this prejudice, I'm ashamed to say, although I hope I've never actually treated anyone differently.

If I'm honest, I think it's the thought that if someone can't manage their own weight then they can't possibly be as 'on it' when it comes to their job either. Someone upthread talked about obesity undermining professional credibility, which hit the nail on the head.

I realise that this is utter bullshit of course and I try to be more conscious about how I think but it's is an honest answer to the OP.

vanitythynameisnotwoman · 14/07/2019 08:56

@WellThisIsShit I'm so sorry that as well as dealing with something so devastating you have to deal with heartless idiots too.

My experience is probably minor by comparison - but the same sort of thing. After a pretty devastating accident 7 years ago I put on 3-4 stone. I've gained and lost some of that and am now a size 18ish. I walk with 1-2 sticks, and I struggle to dress to conceal my ileostomy bag, as as well as carrying my weight mostly on my tummy I have a bit of a hernia on the side of the bag so I'm all lopsided.

I'm sure people think I walk with sticks because I'm fat. If they knew that I was paralysed below the knee and not expected to walk again then being a train commuter is a miracle.

I work for the NHS and feel that I do work doubly hard to win people's confidence and respect. My colleagues from overseas, especially POC, describe that too and I suspect they have it worse. I guess our inner prejudices rise to the surface at times of stress and fear and our patients are surely experiencing both. I do find people take discussions about smoking and drugs better from me though. I guess they can see that I have sympathy for the addictive nature of behaviour we know is bad for us.

Yestermo · 14/07/2019 08:58

I try not to but I really judge parents with overweight kids.
As an overweight person I find it awful that someone would allow their child to get fat. I am overweight but that was entirely by own doing and never as a child.
I do also judge fat people and wonder why (illness/self loarhing/ laziness) and know I get judged too.

Stifledlife · 14/07/2019 09:03

The bigger you are, the more invisible you are.

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