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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Is DP BU or am I being controlling?

204 replies

Newkyred · 12/07/2019 20:05

So for context we have 6 month old DS
I do all care- I mean ALL. His dad has never even taken him out alone, we do stuff as a family but all the care falls on me.

I have recently commented on this and said I expect more help, for example DS wakes at 6.30- DP gets up at 7 for work so I asked if he could do that 6.30 feed a few mornings, just to help. He seemed to understand.

Today DP working somewhere else 45 min from home ( usually 5 min away and finishes at 4.30 on a Friday )
He car shared there , at 5 I messaged asking when he was coming back
At 6.30 he messaged saying they had gone for a few pints and he wont be long.
It’s now 8 and he’s turned his phone off and I heard nothing else.

I’m annoyed because we planned a ‘ date night’ after a busy few weekends barely seeing each other so I’ve made a nice tea, for us some wine etc even shaved my legs Grin

Am I just being over sensitive ? I just keep feeling at the minute that he isn’t interested in me and things like this really make me feel shit !

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 13/07/2019 09:34

Your dad ought to think badly of your partner - what has he done that would deserve any respect? Please, phone him. He's your dad and he loves you and an amazing friend is exactly who you need right now.

cccameron · 13/07/2019 09:38

Why don't you want your dad to think bad of DP? He sounds like a monster! Please go to your dad and tell him everything

Tooner · 13/07/2019 09:38

Do you feel up to ringing Womans Aid while you are sitting in the car?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, please go to your Dads and tell him whats been going on. He will want to help

cestlavielife · 13/07/2019 09:44

Ok
Go to your dad
Tell him everything.
Get dp out.
Good thing he not on the tenancy
Be ready to ask police for help.
Good thing you not married.
Call women s aid.
This is not a good relationship and nothing you do can change him.

strawberry2017 · 13/07/2019 09:45

The fact that he blames you and then leaves you to go to get baby checked on your own shows what type of man he is.
Tell your dad everything, then get your dad to go to you home with you and get your partner out. Change the locks and don't look back.
He deserves no second chance.
You are doing an amazing job! You don't need him.
Your dad won't think badly of you he will just want to help and look after you. X

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 13/07/2019 09:46

What an awful morning. You poor thing.

Right. Ds getting hurt was because of his father, not you. You left him in an adult’s care, and that adult messed up and blamed you. It is not your fault.

If this was ds having a terribly relationship, would you want him to come and talk to you about it? Would you think badly of him if he did? No. You wouldn’t. You would be so glad he had reached out to you. Your dad loves you, trust him with the truth.

It’s good news that the flat is yours, I would find out what rights he has to stay there and what notice you need to give him. CAB may be able to help, or any MN lawyers. I don’t want to give you the wrong advice.

It’s time to take your life back from this vile man who hurt your baby this morning and blamed you. Find your anger. You should be furious with him.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better and it will get better.

Imagine not having to worry about his moods, not being called names. You and ds all snuggled and safe in your own space. It will get better if you leave. It will get much worse if you stay. Please protect both of you

KTara · 13/07/2019 09:50

Feeling low and having anxiety is because of your home situation. It is not because there is anything wrong with you.

If the tenancy is in your name and you are not married, you can ask your DP to leave. It is not your home if you do not wish him there. As he will likely be abusive when you do this, as evidenced this morning, then I would get your dad on board with this. Be honest at the doctor’s that your DP was with DS and not you and what the situation is. None of this is your fault.

Best that you do not drive and drive though - you have not had enough sleep and you need rest.

Somuchroom · 13/07/2019 09:57

Oh OP I’m so sorry. This doesn’t get better, he sounds like my ex brother in law. My sisters divorce has just come through but he got more and more abusive towards the end until he almost killed her with the dog lead. You can’t mess around with men like this, you need to escape. Flowers

Fleetheart · 13/07/2019 09:58

I’m so sad for you. I am like you. My ex was like this with me. I accepted it for way too long. Your dad would be mortified to know you are suffering this alone. Your partner is honestly not worthy of you. You are a kind, strong and generous person; you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. Don’t. Would you treat anyone the way he is treating you? I hazard a guess you would not.

I think you have to start planning to leave. The first step is opening up to people. Don’t worry about your Dad thinking badly of DP. He should do! How dare this man treat you like this?? Please get out - and go and see your Dad.

nicky7654 · 13/07/2019 10:01

If your relationship is like this now then Ill be very worried about the future! You can do so much better for yourself and your son! Dont be a doormat be assertive and if your not listened to then think about leaving. I put up with too much and it took years to leave and now I regret not doing it so much sooner. It was in the best interest of my children to leave but I took too long to do it.

Newschapter · 13/07/2019 10:04

You poor love

Whereabouts roughly are you?

Please get rid of this man, you're worth so much more Flowers

TowelNumber42 · 13/07/2019 10:04

You need a person in real life. Try Women's Aid for a start. What about friends? Who have you got you could open up to?

Can you afford the rent if you evict DP? Go online and do the child maintenance calculator to find out how much child support he will have to give you.

You can make a brilliant life for you and your child but first you must get this dickhead out of your life.

AnotherEmma · 13/07/2019 10:07

If and when he does leave, OP, you will probably be entitled to claim Universal Credit which includes help with your rent. (Assuming you're on SMP and don't have any other income or savings over £16k.)

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 13/07/2019 10:10

First of all, I hope your DS is ok. His fall wasn't your fault. He has two parents and one of them was with him and should have been looking after him, despite their hangover.

Secondly, you are so lucky that this is your house in your name and you already pay at least 50% of everything and you're not married. You know what you need to do. This isn't a relationship or a partnership. No one should be treated or spoken to the way he has to you.

For context, my DH and I have an almost 6 month old. We both pay a proportion of the bills into a joint account and keep the same spends. As I'm on statutory maternity pay my contribution has reduced significantly and his has had to increase to make up the difference. No complaints from him and he asks each month if I need more from him to cover the bills.

He gets up for work at 6.30 and makes a bottle before he does anything. Whilst he gets ready I feed the baby. He goes off to work and comes home about 6pm - 7pm. Depending on if he's worked late the baby may already be in bed so he will always do the dream feed at 11pm in this instance so he can see her, albeit briefly. If he's home on time we tend to swap over each night so whoever does bed time, the other makes tea and will do the 11pm dream feed.

He will also get up in the night to see to her. We take turns because, although he works, he knows how exhausting it is looking after a baby and how touched out I am. Unfortunately she doesn't like to let me nap in the day. Sometimes on a Friday he'll suggest me sleeping in the spare room to get a full night rest and I'll reciprocate accordingly the next night.

They're currently downstairs watching Elmo right now and playing together whilst I get my arse out of bed.

Thing is, he didn't want a child but compromised because he wanted me and that was my deal breaker. He's stepped up far beyond what I ever dreamed he would.

My point is that he's a partner AND a dad and is acting accordingly. Yeah we're BOTH knackered and we're BOTH skint but we're in it together. He doesn't turn his phone off after work and disappear until 4.30am because he needs a break because he knows I need one too and he's not that selfish or disrespectful.

You're already looking after your beautiful baby single handedly and providing everything he needs. Please don't stay in this situation because both you and baby deserve so much more. Please give yourself a break if you can and if you have any friends or relatives who you trust that can give you a couple of hours to do something for yourself then please do it.

This selfish man child isn't going to change and you'll bend further and further and end up breaking to make him happy. Please get out now whilst you're able to.

MrsBagans · 13/07/2019 10:14

He’s being a right dick imo.
If he knew you had date night planned aswell, he’s either spoiling for a row or just being selfish and thoughtless.
Just don’t feel worthless coz this all says more about him than it does you.
I’d definitely be having a word with my partner if he did this. I did do all the care for our babies and him for a while when he worked and I was home.
I’d most have an issue with the going out drinking, not letting me know and turning his phone off.
You anbu xx

MrsBagans · 13/07/2019 10:16

It does sound like early narcissistic behaviour at this point

whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 13/07/2019 10:17

Op, he's shown he's a danger to you both. Try to stay out until he goes to his mums.

Then go home, lock him out and pack his stuff. See if your dad can come to you? Or even use the time just now to go get him.

You and your son deserve to be safe not to mention everything else. He is not bringing anything positive to your life anymore. Don't have your memories of son's early life tarred with the presence of this joke of a man.

TwistinMyMelon · 13/07/2019 10:22

That's despicable that it's the anniversary of your mums death and he's treating you like this.

My exp was horrid to me on the 2 year anniversary of my brother committing suicide. That was the final nail in the coffin of what I now see was an abusive relationship and the catalyst for me to finally walk away.

He is not just a bit shit, he is being deliberately abusive and cruel. It sounds like he gaslights you on a regular basis. Do you really want the rest of your life to be like this?

TwistinMyMelon · 13/07/2019 10:24

And my parents were very supportive of me leaving my relationship despite what they had been through with my brother. They understand that life is too short to waste it with someone who doesn't make you happy.

TwistinMyMelon · 13/07/2019 10:26

I really feel for you op. Grief is not a linear process and it doesn't matter how long it's been. You need to reach out to people you can trust (NOT your dh, he does not have your back). Please call your dad

billybagpuss · 13/07/2019 10:31

Just to twist things a little, I’m also sure that assuming there’s no back story with your mum and dad he’s also aware of the date and could do with some company. Could you go to him if it’s mutual support rather than thinking that you’re imposing.

TwistinMyMelon · 13/07/2019 10:31

Just rtft.

Ffs op he is horrible. Please go to see your dad and tell him everything. Who cares if he thinks badly of dp? He deserves it. He will want to help you I promise.

You will be surprised I'm sure. I called my parents after I finally told my exp to leave. They came straight round and they made me feel safe. They believed every word and were nothing but supportive.

Would you want your dad suffering in this way? You would want to do everything to protect and support him, and your dad will feel exactly the same about you

TwistinMyMelon · 13/07/2019 10:34

*ds

Tiredmum100 · 13/07/2019 10:36

Oh my God. Just got to your dads. So your baby fell out of bed you get the blame even though its not your fault and he doesn't even go with you to the doctors to see if his son is ok? What an absolute dick.

User7777 · 13/07/2019 10:36

Op Flowers
You sound like a brilliant mum.
I was in a remarkably similar relationship. I can remember trying to leave baby ds with his dad, and his dad just shutting the door on him. Anyway, took me a while, but I'm on my own now. I get maintenance so ds dad finally contributes now. And it's so much better for me and ds not being with his dad. And your dad will want to help.
Honestly, he's a pathetic excuse for a partner / dad, his behaviour is abusive. Take your time, but make that decision in your head that you're on your own. It makes it much easier to cope with until you can get rid of him
Flowers

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