Is DP BU or am I being controlling?

[Newkyred]

So for context we have 6 month old DS
I do all care- I mean ALL. His dad has never even taken him out alone, we do stuff as a family but all the care falls on me.

I have recently commented on this and said I expect more help, for example DS wakes at 6.30- DP gets up at 7 for work so I asked if he could do that 6.30 feed a few mornings, just to help. He seemed to understand.

Today DP working somewhere else 45 min from home ( usually 5 min away and finishes at 4.30 on a Friday )
He car shared there , at 5 I messaged asking when he was coming back
At 6.30 he messaged saying they had gone for a few pints and he wont be long.
It’s now 8 and he’s turned his phone off and I heard nothing else.

I’m annoyed because we planned a ‘ date night’ after a busy few weekends barely seeing each other so I’ve made a nice tea, for us some wine etc even shaved my legs

Am I just being over sensitive ? I just keep feeling at the minute that he isn’t interested in me and things like this really make me feel shit !

You are not being controlling.
He is treating you poorly, and you are entitled to feel pissed off.
You are not worthless, you are important and you deserve better than this.
Do not allow his behaviour and the choices HE makes to make you feel worthless or unimportant.

He needs to know how you feel OP. Men are particularly shit at reading emotions and mine was even worse as he has Autism. I would pack a small bag and rent a hotel room or go to a friend or relative. Enjoy your weekend with baby and don't return until Sunday night. Turn your phone off. I did this 26 years ago (only no phones then to turn off) because my 'loving' husband had no idea how I felt when he just went out without telling me and leaving me at home with a newborn. My mum told him(when he turned up in a panic) that I had gone away to think about whether I still wanted to be with him anymore and I was safe but that was all she know. I came back to mess of a man who tried a lot harder. Men prefer examples and visual/actual action to emotions. Try something similar.

The first time in 3 years since my mums suicide I can understand why she did it rather than being clouded with anger.

Start putting you, your son and your collective happiness first.

There's not a snowflakes chance in hell I would stay with this person.

You have to tackle it sometime this weekend. I suspect he will say he didn't have a choice in going out for a drink because of the car share, but that just means he wasn't man enough to stand up to the other colleagues. Likewise, I suspect that he'll throw at you that you 'never let him in' on the parenting. Is he really so much of a wimp that he couldn't ask for the baby, or suggest he help with something???
However, if you genuinely think he can change, or he really offers to take on something, start slowly/ gently, and give him a specific fun task instead/ as well as the early feed, which he can 'find his own way' at without your supervision/ suggestions. I wish you a lot of luck, and hope he decides it's time for him to step up

You poor thing. You've been through a lot as has your dad. But I would imagine it likely he would hate to think you didn't let him know how miserable you are - maybe you could consider asking him for some moral support?

YANBU and HE is being controlling.

That is absolutely vile behaviour. I'm sorry about your mum, and I'm sorry about your hideous DP.

What if something had happened to you or the baby, he's fine switching off his phone like neither of you matter? As for the finances, that's a whole different level of control, equally unacceptable.

Really disrespectful, yes of course he can have a few beers but of course you can and he’s being selfish, my ex was useless, not horrible but just avoided any childcare and family stuff, lasted just over a year and binned him off, took him 2 years to start being a dad again and now he’s okay but I was so angry back then, if he dares to turn this round on you then leave or have a day by yourself Tomoz and he can take baby to his mind! Knob!

Or go to your dads tonight and turn your phone off until some point Tomoz and And see how he likes it!

He's being a complete dick

Your father has lost his wife, do you honestly think he would ever want you to feel this desperately sad op?

Call him please, tell him your do is abusive and you need to protect the baby. Pack your things and go home.

This man is exploiting the deep pain and sadness you are feeling. He doesn’t care for you as much as he should.
We are all here for you. You have a young son that needs you, family that love you. Please let them be there for you.

So sorry about yr mum. Please don't feel scared-it doesn't mean you'll go down that path. It's a really difficult time and he's let you down so yr vulnerable and emotional (understandibly). At the least he could've had the decency to call u to let you know. Don't not go tomorrow it's not his mum's fault and it will make things worse. He's being a shit but rise above it. He'll miss out in the long run as he won't have as close a relationship wiv yr ds as u. You do need to leave yr ds wiv him for at least an hour though to give yrself some time to yourself.

Oh deeethesrt I’m so sorry about your Mum 🌷 I think having your own baby makes you think her/her situation differently and it brings up a lot of emotions.

While your Dad would be worried I’m sure he’d hate you not to go to him when you need help (you’ll feel the same about your DS)

I honestly think your H is too far down the shit husband road to change him, it’s simply who he is, unfortunately

It’s not just tonight, it’s the fact he’s not being a parent to his son. He’s treating you like absolute shit and he’s financially taking you for a ride too & I know you’d be telling your friend that, so why UFO’s you feel you’re worth less than your friend?

I wish I could pick you and DS up & bring you home, but I really think you should os k s couple of bags and go to your Dads/ tell H that you’d like him to go stay elsewhere because it’s over and you and DS need the house after the weekend

Big hugs / it’s definitely him not you 🌷

Oh, op, I'm sorry.

I'm going to try and summarise what you've said, tell me if I've got it wrong...

• when he behaves badly/lets you down/makes a mistake, he gets angry at you and tells you it's your fault
• if you try to speak to him about the above, he blames you and makes it your fault
• if you get upset by his behaviour, he tells you you're over sensitive / over reacting
• if you ask him to stop disrespecting/mistreating you, he calls you controlling
• he refuses to change his behaviour, and instead blames you
• he makes you cover all baby related financial costs
• he makes you do all childcare
• he pretends not to hear baby crying so you have to respond instead
• he lets you down and disrespects you
• he regularly disappears out without telling you where he's going or for how long and turns his phone off

Have I missed anything or got anything wrong?

Do you find when you ask him to do tasks at home he does such a bad job you end up having to re-do it and never ask again? Or does he just use the "I forgot" or "I don't know how to" approach?

I suspect in reality your dad would be much more upset to think you were struggling alone and hiding from him how badly you were being treated instead of letting him help and support you.

Being upset to see you in this position would be because he cares about you. It's not a marker of you doing something wrong or being at fault.

I wish I just went to bed hours ago I feel like I’ve opened something I can’t shut again.
I don’t even know what’s normal now
I feel like I’ve been plodding along dealing with whatever because of how nasty he can be when he tells me I’m in the wrong. He will shout at me and tell me how I’m a psycho and I’m this and that. And I’ve actually started to listen and fear his response
I can’t go anywhere I know I can’t. This is my babies home. And I don’t want to be a burden to other people.
I don’t even know if he will come home tonight. I’m tempted to put the snag on the door.

I just think I’ve coped so so well with the death of my mum. I’ve been so strong. But somethings changed since DS was born. Firstly I felt SO angry that she left me once I knew the love for a child. But now I just feel like it’s just happened. Like she’s just gone and I need her so much. I want to be able to ring he and ask advice instead of google. I take all these cute pictures of my son with no one to send them to. I feel like this has reallytipped me over the edge tonight. Why doesn’t he care about my wellbeing when I’m raising our son

When you’re ready you’ll recognise the abuse that’s happening

Keep plodding along, you’re baby’s mum, not DP’s partner. Remind yourself daily

Nothing to add that hasn't been said.

for you, you deserve so much more than this

OP don’t challenge him tonight as he will be defensive knowing he has let you down and most likely will have been drinking.
So sorry to hear about your Mum. The anniversary must be hard.
There are a couple of issues here. The care aspect. Do you want him to do more with your son? Do you trust him with your son? Why won’t he do more of the care for your son! Do you know the reason?
The date night issue. The disrespect he has shown you by not turning up for your plans. Switching his phone off. It’s rude and thoughtless.
The lack of support that sits alongside both of these issues.
What do you want to do? Do you want him to make more of an effort or is it passed that? Do you want to go for the meal tomorrow? It’s your choice.
Have a think about what you want. Be clear on that before talking to him about tonight.
You are not being controlling. He is letting you and your son down.

In regards to the care of our son I don’t think he realises how little he does.
As I said he would get up for work at 7 and go. He would get in at 5.15 and I would be giving DS tea, I make DP tea for when he gets in too, so we all eat together. I then walk the dog and DS again to kill some time as he gets restless before bed. DP stays at home showers unwinds whatever. I get in bath DS and put him to bed at 7.15, then I dream feed him at 10.
If I asked him to feed him he would. But he would never pick him up and know he needs a bottle and make it. He would never use his initiate to run a bath for him and at the weekend he would never pack a changing bag etc. It’s probaby My fault forjust doing it instead of asking for help

It’s not your fault. It is his conscious choice to be a shit parent and partner.

Could you go stay with your dad for a few days to gain some space? Maybe not mention the issues & say you just missed him?

We had some issues when our kids were born I think we both struggled a bit with the translation & although he helped. He did what he “thought was best” (so what he wanted to do) rather than what I actually needed him to do to help. He ALWAYS helped with the kids though. & would take over when he got home so I could have a shower etc. So he did help, just not always in the way I would have preferred. So I was never alone with that. Although he had his moments when he was a spectacular twat. He also turned a lot of stuff round on me .

Your DP sounds worse though.

OP sorry to hear all this. Your post made at 10pm needs to go onto paper word for word and he needs to read it alone so he can’t react.

Good luck

Oh OP
You sound such a lovely mum
Your DS is so lucky to have you

And your mum had her own battles that weren’t a reflection of you- I’m quite sure she loved you deeply but she was too unwell to be able to cope with the world.

Have you had any counselling since her death?
It might help.

In terms of your DH- it’s good that you recognise his behaviour isn’t kind or loving and is in fact abusive. Blaming you for his own failings is very troubling.

You are 100% right- you deserve and need a partner who has your back and will put your first and support you and your lovely DS. This man is showing you he isn’t that person.

Please go somewhere else tonight- don’t stay and face his mood and accusations when he returns.
Your dad would want to be able to help you I’m sure. Yes he will worry about you because he is your dad but that isnt a reason to not go to his.

If you really can’t face it how about a friend or even a hotel?

I think once you take the step you will feel free even if it feels scary being alone with DS. It will certainly feel better living on your own terms and not at the whim of the moods of a selfish man.

Keep us posted. I’ll be thinking of you and your lovely little DS.
You can do this.

Unsure what to say to him?

Stick to telling him what you need him to do. He’s not going to like it, but he’ll easily argue with” you shouldn’t have turned your phone off. “
So he needs to do X amounts of feeds, nappy changes, he needs to get to know and bond with his son, he needs to do the morning feed.

Think of what your ideal day would be like, and ask for it,

Tell him straight that it took two of you to get this baby, it’ll take two to bring him up,

Tell him how you feel, abandoned, disappointed, let down, whatever it is.

Some men are shot with the baby bit, but babies do get s lot more interesting at 6 months.

I hope it works out for you op.

Your baby is at home where ever the people who live him are.
ABuilding is not the same as a home

O teason why dp cannot take care of ds. Yes you should have left d's with dp when you go to walk dog etc but if he shouts and calls you psycho maybe you need to consider the whole set up.

Talk to gp
Get a referral to counsellor talk about your mum and dp and work out what you want to do

What @fairislecable said. Get up early tomorrow morning & pack a changing bag for DP. Tell him your having your "me time" and he can take your DC to his mums. Do whatever it is you do to relax. Just make sure he takes responsibility tomorrow for HIS child.