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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DP BU or am I being controlling?

204 replies

Newkyred · 12/07/2019 20:05

So for context we have 6 month old DS
I do all care- I mean ALL. His dad has never even taken him out alone, we do stuff as a family but all the care falls on me.

I have recently commented on this and said I expect more help, for example DS wakes at 6.30- DP gets up at 7 for work so I asked if he could do that 6.30 feed a few mornings, just to help. He seemed to understand.

Today DP working somewhere else 45 min from home ( usually 5 min away and finishes at 4.30 on a Friday )
He car shared there , at 5 I messaged asking when he was coming back
At 6.30 he messaged saying they had gone for a few pints and he wont be long.
It’s now 8 and he’s turned his phone off and I heard nothing else.

I’m annoyed because we planned a ‘ date night’ after a busy few weekends barely seeing each other so I’ve made a nice tea, for us some wine etc even shaved my legs Grin

Am I just being over sensitive ? I just keep feeling at the minute that he isn’t interested in me and things like this really make me feel shit !

OP posts:
howdyalikemenow · 13/07/2019 08:29

Wtaf? So dp was looking after ds and is blaming YOU??????

Jesus Christ op. That there is enough reason to leave. What a bastard. I hope ds is ok x

howdyalikemenow · 13/07/2019 08:31

Just to reiterate OP. DS falling out of bed WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. But your arsehole of a partner is pinning it on you out of guilt.

Ginnymweasley · 13/07/2019 08:32

Seriously he is blaming you because he couldn't stop a baby falling out a bed? This is NOT your fault. The trip to a and e will most likely be precautionary, babies are surprisingly resilient. He is useless, you will be much better off without him. Hopefully you will be seen quickly. Then I think you should just leave with your ds.

billybagpuss · 13/07/2019 08:36

💐hoping ds is ok, I’m sure he will be.

What was he like before the baby, is this behaviour new? His reaction to baby falling sounds like he could be resentful Of him?

Awrite · 13/07/2019 08:44

I'm sure ds will be fine.

Please go see your Dad once you are back. The space will give you time to think. That's what parents are for, he will want to help I'm sure.

Benes · 13/07/2019 08:46

This man is horrible and abusive.
This isn't a relationship. Both you and your son will be better away from him.

I lost my mum in tragic circumstances and 100% understand all the emotions that surface once you become a parent yourself. You need some serious tlc. Don't feel bad about confiding in family or a friend. I'm sure they will want to help you.

notapizzaeater · 13/07/2019 08:47

He's an absolute dickhead. Hope ds is ok. You need to be making plans to get away,

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/07/2019 08:57

It isn't a big deal for him to nip out for a few pints but it is a big deal to a. not bother to tell you in advance b. do it when you had plans to were looking forward to c. make you feel like you're the one with the problem for calling him out - sounds like gaslighting to me d. turn his phone off so you can't bother him? Prick.

GabriellaMontez · 13/07/2019 08:58

Ds will be fine. It's not your fault.

So sorry for the loss of your Mum.

I think you should stay with your Dad for a while. Your Partner is a shit. Is he capable of massive changes in his behaviour and attitude? Doesn't sound like it if he can't even speak to you civilly. Does he have a history of vile behaviour.

You may need to start preparing to leave him.

You sound like a loving Mum. Be kind to yourself this weekend.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/07/2019 08:59

Just seen latest message. Please leave him. You both deserve better treatment than this.

Myinnerperdita · 13/07/2019 08:59

This is not your fault! He is the issue, not you. Don't blame yourself.

The strongest thing you can do now is reach out to your dad and let him know what is happening. There is no weakness in asking for help.

Hope your ds is ok. X

Apolloanddaphne · 13/07/2019 08:59

This was not your fault. You left him in the care of his DF. It was his fault for failing to look after him properly. I am sure he will be fine.

Wallywobbles · 13/07/2019 09:17

If you never give (or force) him to take if his son he'll never form a bond. Sell it how you like. From here on in say every Sat and Sun you are going to take DS for an hour to start with then increase the time. For the good of all concerned.

livinglavidavillanelle · 13/07/2019 09:18

Crikey, you left him in the care of DP and yet he still finds it to be your fault? That guy is a prize a-hole.

I'm sure DS will be fine, don't worry. Happens to us all!

Get some time away with DS, start planning a life without this knobhead.

Original poster
Newkyred · 13/07/2019 09:18

Thanks everyone was so scared luckily DS is absolutely fine but I’m glad I got him checked.
DP was so horrid before I left. He said I would have got an apology but I decided to be a bitch instead so I don’t deserve one
I can’t just leave the house- it’s solely in my name
I asked him if he would be there later he said yes it’s my home.
And went back to sleep

Currently sat on a carpark wondering where to go Sad

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 13/07/2019 09:19

Oh dear Sad
I think he is probably neglectful on purpose - to "punish" you for leaving the baby with him (even though it was only briefly) and train you not to.
The more you post the more it sounds as if he is abusive.
Signs of emotional abuse

Anyway, good luck with 111 - I'm sure baby is fine and hope they can reassure you.

livinglavidavillanelle · 13/07/2019 09:19

Is the house rented? Please call women's aid to get some advice Thanks

AnotherEmma · 13/07/2019 09:21

Cross post.
If the rent is just in your name, and you are not married, you can just ask him to leave. He has no legal right to live there without your permission.
Do you have a friend or someone you could spend today with?
Please do call your dad even if he's too far away to do anything practical to help today.

Original poster
Newkyred · 13/07/2019 09:25

Yes it’s rented.
I don’t think I really have anyone to spend the day with. I’m not sure if he’s going to contact me in regards to his mother’s birthday we’re meant to be out at 1.

My dad is like an amazing friend but he’s never someone I’ve gone to for advice, and I don’t want him to think awful of DP. Or think low of me

Just sat thinking where to drive to
I think I need to ring the doctors on Monday.
My chest is tight and I feel so anxious and low. DS asleep in the car and I wish I was just on my own so I could drive and drive

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 13/07/2019 09:26

Yes, the house is in your name, so you can tell him to leave.

You are a single parent already aren't you? Make your life easier by making that official and removing this huge source of stress that you call your DP.

Good luck, OP, and be strong. For you and for your beautiful baby xx

LittleCandle · 13/07/2019 09:26

You poor girl! All this and at the worst possible time for you!

You need to go to your dad's once you have had DS seen. Your dad will also be remembering your mum at the moment, but I can assure you that he will want to help. He is probably already aware that things are not right with you and your DP and is sitting on his hands, biting his tongue, but ready to help. My DD was in a relationship with a guy I really despised, but I couldn't say a word until she realised that he was a cocklodger of the first water. When she asked for help, I was there and got her away from him.

Would it really be the end of the world if you moved back in with your dad temporarily? No. It will give you breathing space and time to think. Right now, it seems as though moving out is the wrong thing to do, but I suspect that if you have time to yourself, away from him, that you will come to feel as though a weight has been taken off your shoulders. You deserve better. Your DS deserves better.

Go and see your GP, too. All this happening at once means you might need a bit of help to get through it. No shame in that. We all need help sometimes. Allow others to help. I would come and help you if you lived near me, but I suspect you're in England and I'm in Scotland. But my offer is there.

Benes · 13/07/2019 09:28

Your dad will want the best for you. He won't think low if you. He'll be pleased you went to him for help.

I wouldn't go to mil's birthday and I would tell her exactly why you won't be there. Don't let him tell his story first because you know he won't tell the truth.

Pinktinker · 13/07/2019 09:28

YANBU. He sounds pretty useless tbh.

ChristmasFluff · 13/07/2019 09:29

Your Dad will not think badly of you, he will think badly of your horrible partner - and that is a good thing.

It sounds as though you still haven't come to terms with how this relationship is never going to make you happy, and will, in fact, grind you into the dirt. It needs to end, for the sake of you and your little one, and so it doesn't matter what your Dad thinks of him. Flowers

Wallywobbles · 13/07/2019 09:29

Oh god ignore my message. Please please go to stay with your Dad. Tell your DP (thank God you're not married) to be gone when you get back. And you'll be in touch re contact with his son. It'll be hard and horrible but at least it won't be him doing it to you any more. He truly is vile.