Is DP BU or am I being controlling?

[Newkyred]

So for context we have 6 month old DS
I do all care- I mean ALL. His dad has never even taken him out alone, we do stuff as a family but all the care falls on me.

I have recently commented on this and said I expect more help, for example DS wakes at 6.30- DP gets up at 7 for work so I asked if he could do that 6.30 feed a few mornings, just to help. He seemed to understand.

Today DP working somewhere else 45 min from home ( usually 5 min away and finishes at 4.30 on a Friday )
He car shared there , at 5 I messaged asking when he was coming back
At 6.30 he messaged saying they had gone for a few pints and he wont be long.
It’s now 8 and he’s turned his phone off and I heard nothing else.

I’m annoyed because we planned a ‘ date night’ after a busy few weekends barely seeing each other so I’ve made a nice tea, for us some wine etc even shaved my legs

Am I just being over sensitive ? I just keep feeling at the minute that he isn’t interested in me and things like this really make me feel shit !

I had to check this wasn’t a zombie thread.
From 1953.
He sounds AWFUL

Your darling son is lucky to have such a loving and caring mother.

Op you need much more love and support. If your dp can’t do it, then other friends and family may be able to help you through this, your Dr as well.

Your mother didn’t leave you because she didn’t love you, she was in a very dark place and didn’t ask for help.

Please make sure you don’t do the same op. You can and will come through this. Hold your baby close. Focus on the love you feel for him, and worry about tomorrow when it comes. Be honest with those around you.

You are different. You are strong. Don’t let anyone take your strength away.

OP this sounds really awful. Please take care of you and your DS first. Your DP is a grown man and can make his own choices, your DF will want to be there to help you. Please do what feels right to you.

Op please find a way to get some counselling to deal with all your emotions about your mum and then u will be in a stronger space to deal with your useless man! Men do need it very direct for them to understand. Ask for what u need and leave if he refuses. Good luck

I don't know why you don't just say "I'm not doing the feed tonight", "I'm out tomorrow so just to let you know these are ds deed times...."

You say you don't mind not going out eyx, but I actually think this is hindering you. You should have some time to yourself and your husband should have time alone with his son. If he doesn't, how will he learn?

I definitely wouldn't bring anything up tonight
Wait until tomorrow now.

How is he getting home if his car share is out drinking with him?!

When you say it wouldn't be fair on DS if you walked out for a day and left him to do childcare - I think you need to be more circumspect. DS is a baby - even if he cries for a while, he genuinely won't remember and it won't do him any harm. But it will teach your DP a lesson so is worth doing in my opinion.

https://www.verywellfamily.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470

Sound familiar @Newkyred? I'm sorry this is happening to you and hope you have the strength to stand up for yourself.

i know you dont think you need that time away.but the feeling of being trapped an it being unequal parenting is all part of that.so its not so much as being away from you dc but just being your own person and reviving yourself every once in a while to be a better mum and closer mum to your dc.there is nothing bad in that.its not meaning you want to be away from your dc.just every human needs to be them and take some 'Self care' moments.
it can be a walk.it can be just lying on ur bed for an hour or going out for lunch!big or small.it should then be up to dad to help out.he is there he needs to do his part as its not fair on you.

Just wanted to add some hugs for you

Your baby’s home is where you are or go. You are his main carer and you sound like a wonderful mum who has been through a lot. Your partner sounds like he is treating you very badly.

If you were my family, I would not want you to stay away. I am sure your dad would like you to go and stay with him if he knew. It might even mean a lot to him that you feel able to. I am so sorry about your mum

None of this is your fault.

Really sorry about your mum.

Turning it around on you as if you've done something wrong is gaslighting. However you do this - as in get your self esteem back and take back control of your life - do it so you are ok. Slowly if necessary - build up support networks. And just be honest with yourself. He's making you feel like shit. No one who loves their partner deliberately makes them feel shit. Good luck. You deserve better. x

I hope you are ok. Just wanted to let you know that you are not the only woman who has gone through this kind of thing - I hope you can take some comfort from that. My exH used to do this - every so often he would just go drinking and not answer texts or calls, even if we had made plans to do something together.

Don’t put up with it - it’s better to be on your own.

Leave OP, at least for a few days. Go to your dads. I have been in your shoes and it does not get better I'm afraid and it took me to finding him cheating on me whilst I was on maternity leave to leave him. How many times has he done this and twisted it around so it was your fault?
He's a massive twat and man child. You and your son deserve better. Just not having to worry where he is all the time bc he said he'd be home and he hasn't turned up and is out drinking (again) is such a sense of relief.

I'm so sorry you lost your Mum, I'm sure she would have been so proud of what a fantastic Mum you are. Your little boy is very lucky to have such a loving caring Mum.

Would you be able to go and stay with your Dad for a few days, he would be upset to think of you in such an abusive relationship and I'm sure he would want you to stay at his house where you will feel safe and secure.

Perhaps you could ring The Samaritans tonight and have a little chat to get things off your chest so you can settle down and go to sleep.

This man is a bastard. You are your son's entire world, you and him can get through anything together. Just get him away from this toxic twat before he starts absorbing his attitude and lack of love.

Is he still not home?

So many times over the past few weeks I’ve heard the analogy of having to put your own oxygen mask on before dealing with your dependents. Take care of yourself so that you are able to give the best care to those who rely on you.

Go to your Dad’s. It’s completely understandable for this anniversary. If anyone asks or comments, you asked your husband to be there but he couldn’t. No other explanation needed. Take time and heal. Even if your Dad can’t help practically, it’s a no worse situation than you are in now and at least your Dad will take care of himself.

Do whatever you need to do to get through tonight. Please take care.

I am really not convinced that people telling you to LTB now is particularly helpful at the moment.

I think you need support, you need counselling to talk about your bereavement and your relationship, and you need to tell your GP and your dad how much you're struggling.

Eventually I think (hope) you will end the relationship but in the meantime you need to work on feeling better and gathering the strength to make the decision, with a clearer head.

I don't think there is any point saying anything to him this time. You already know what he's going to say because he already knows what you are going to say, and on and on it goes. I think you should say nothing. Send him to his mother's alone tomorrow because you need to think about what you want for your future.

He’s just walked in.
I asked him where he’s been he said he just went out. I said why does he think it’s ok to turn his phone off we have a 6 month old what if something had happened - he said ‘ that’s fucking pathetic to say that get a grip he’s obviously fine ‘
Could hear him muttering stuff about me as I came back upstairs
Fucking bitch etc

Going to just get up with DS and go out tomorrow. Really need to get out.
People recommending I just leave DS with him or his mum tomrorow I understand he needs to just be left with him more. But I’m not even risking leaving him with him when he’s so hungover. And his mum has never watched him only met him a few times so again I just don’t reallt feel comfortable. I know I need to go see my dad I just don’t want him to know I am weak

Oh I'm so sorry op. He sounds horrible and there is excuse for his behaviour, it is so disrespectful and unkind.
Go to your dad's and get some emotional rest and support. Do you have friends you can talk to as well?

I know I need to go see my dad I just don’t want him to know I am weak
Imagine your son in a similar situation in a few decades and him turning up to your house with his baby. Would you view him as weak for admitting the rest a problem or strong for having the courage to recognise that they need help and for seeking a better life for themselves and their child? As a parent myself, I would be absolutely destroyed if my child stayed in an abusive relationship for fear of appearing weak to me or being a burden.

You sound strong to me

He is verbally if not emotionally abusive and he is being a shit :( I'm so sorry.

I agree your dad will understand, and would much rather you speak to him than suffer in silence. He may already know that your relationship is not supportive but feel weak himself to say anything in case it pushes you away. I think it's very common to have a more visceral reaction to loss (particularly of a parent) after you have children yourself. And so natural to miss being able to share things with her. We lost FIL when I was pregnant and even I feel sad about how he is missing everything, and I didn't know him that well. It must be far worse for my DH. And when DS2 was born I shared a hospital room with a stranger and she confided in me how she'd lost her mum several years before but now she had a child it was as though it was all fresh again.

How long have you been with your partner? Sometimes when you are in a controlling relationship like this it can sort of numb you to anything outside of it and make it hard and confusing to feel things in general, at least that's what it was like for me.

Listen to AnotherEmma, she is very wise.

So sorry for you OP. He sounds absolutely vile. Wishing you the courage to leave with DS. I'm sure your dad would want to help you.