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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DP BU or am I being controlling?

204 replies

Newkyred · 12/07/2019 20:05

So for context we have 6 month old DS
I do all care- I mean ALL. His dad has never even taken him out alone, we do stuff as a family but all the care falls on me.

I have recently commented on this and said I expect more help, for example DS wakes at 6.30- DP gets up at 7 for work so I asked if he could do that 6.30 feed a few mornings, just to help. He seemed to understand.

Today DP working somewhere else 45 min from home ( usually 5 min away and finishes at 4.30 on a Friday )
He car shared there , at 5 I messaged asking when he was coming back
At 6.30 he messaged saying they had gone for a few pints and he wont be long.
It’s now 8 and he’s turned his phone off and I heard nothing else.

I’m annoyed because we planned a ‘ date night’ after a busy few weekends barely seeing each other so I’ve made a nice tea, for us some wine etc even shaved my legs Grin

Am I just being over sensitive ? I just keep feeling at the minute that he isn’t interested in me and things like this really make me feel shit !

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 13/07/2019 06:47

Definitely get out. Having your baby is a privilege and he is a dick to not appreciate it. Go and see your dad- your dad will want to know you are struggling. He loves you and wants you to be safe, just as you love your little boy.

Be around people who love you, not those who call you a fucking bitch.

RedHelenB · 13/07/2019 06:52

The " i expect" in your post sounds controlling sorry. Leave the baby with him for a couple of hours tomorrow. He ll cope and start to bond in his own way, without you breathing down his neck.

AllOverIt · 13/07/2019 06:54

He's a complete shit.

You and your child deserve more.

Yawninfinitum · 13/07/2019 06:54

You sound very very strong to me
I’d be broken having to live with a man like that.
And your child is still so young so you must even more in need of love and support

I didn’t like the suggestions to just leave the baby with him and go out- he doesn’t deserve to spend time with your lovely boy.

Pack a bag, take your passports and important documents etc and go to your dad

Do not be ashamed- you have done absolutely nothing wrong. All the shame and blame is on your abusive husband

Please see what he is

Calling you a ducking hitch because you dare to question his appalling behaviour

YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS.

Be brave. Get your stuff. Get out and don’t go back. You can’t hide this from your dad and his support will help you make the right choices here.

Go for it

Yawninfinitum · 13/07/2019 06:56

@RedHelenB are you reading the same thread?

How on earth is the OP controlling?
Would you honestly leave your child with this man after the way he has behaved?
You really don’t see that she needs to get away from his behaviour?

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 13/07/2019 06:58

So he doesn't parent in any way shape or form, stands you up, acts like a free and single man then rocks up at 4.30am and calls you a fucking bitch?

LTB.

Redcherries · 13/07/2019 06:59

Expectation of sharing the load of parenting is not controlling.

I expect my Dh to do various things and I’m the least controlling wife, but it’s a partnership. He has expectations of me also. We both have expectations of our teenagers to study, contribute to keeping the house clean, join in cooking and food shopping and work hard (they work in the family business)

I would be more concerned it’s gone 6 months with op having no expectations of help or partnership bringing up their child.

Op, so sorry about your mum. I hope you manage to find a happier place in the near future.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 13/07/2019 07:12

He needs to take baby to his mothers and make sure you turn your phone off!
You need a break and he need to stop being such a shit dad and partner
The suicide of your mum is a massive deal and I’m horrified he ditched your date night for pints with “ friend”
Looking after baby is not rocket science if you broke up he’d be doing it on his own every weekend

IShitGlitter · 13/07/2019 07:14

Time to leave i think OP.
You are not weak at all! you are so strong Flowers

roseinparadise · 13/07/2019 07:26

So sorry OP. I just wanted to say this is not you. It's him. You deserve so much better.

Apolloanddaphne · 13/07/2019 07:37

It's not even about expectation of help it's about a dad doing normal care for his child. Most dads manage this just fine.

Go and see your dad OP. Tell his everything. It doesn't make you weak it will give you strength to say it out loud and get support. Take your time to sort out what your next steps should be. You and your DS deserve better.

cccameron · 13/07/2019 07:42

RedHelenB He has been out on the piss from 4.30pm to 4.30am. That's a 12 hour solid drinking session so absolutely wasted with the possibility of coke use to keep him going for that length of time and you would go out and leave a 6 month old baby with him? Not a fucking chance.

OP everything you have said about this man sounds horrendous. Please leave and go to your dads. He doesn't care about you, this will be your whole life and your sons if you don't put a stop to it. I'm sure your dad would want you to go to him. Have you any friends you could go to?

TowelNumber42 · 13/07/2019 07:50

Tell your dad everything.

He needs to know. He will want to wrap his arms around you and help you.

Can you imagine how awful he would feel if he thought you could not talk to him?

Keeping it all hidden does not help you.

billybagpuss · 13/07/2019 07:50

Op I’m sure you’re up already and I’m sure he’s still snoring like an express train. Please go and see your dad for the day, take him out to lunch, get his perspective and then take it from there. Please, for the love of god, don’t give a second thought to ‘ruining mils birthday’

Get some space, get some perspective then come back and let people here help you with the next steps eithe in your relationship or preparation to leave.

Have a peaceful day but put you first.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 13/07/2019 07:52

Oh love, you’re not weak. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a post from anyone stronger. You’ve had a devastating loss in your life and have fallen into an abusive relationship, and yet you are still clearly an incredible mother who puts her ds first in everything.

Firstly, ds is 6 months old and won’t care about leaving his home - he will care about being with you. Secondly, this isn’t going to get better. You are not the weak one, your partner is. He has let you and ds down enormously and it’s time you told your dad about that. Go and stay with him for a while until you can sort yourself out a new place.

The reason you are feeling so awful and low, is that nasty piece of work. Once you get rid of him, you will feel so much better.

I know how difficult it is to leave (I had to do it too), but it’s so much harder to stay. You are worth so much more than this.

You are strong. You can do this. Get up, pack a bag (make sure to grab passports and birth certificates and anything else that is important to you) take ds to your father’s house and tell him you need to stay. Tell him everything. We are all here to help you with the practical stuff.

KTara · 13/07/2019 07:54

I personally would not be leaving a small baby with a man who behaves like your DP - his behaviour needs to change first. Babies need responsible and willing carers!

For what it is worth, sometimes the strength is in acknowledging and seeking support. There is no weakness in saying ‘I have had enough’ - of your DP’s behaviour - and that you need a break from it, until it changes, if it changes. If it feels like too much to organise, ask your dad to come and get you. I think some space from the situation in would help matters.

I hope you are okay this morning. You must be exhausted Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 13/07/2019 08:07

*So he doesn't parent in any way shape or form, stands you up, acts like a free and single man then rocks up at 4.30am and calls you a fucking bitch?

LTB.*

This ^

You are most definitely not weak and I am sure your dad won't see you like that if you open your heart to him like you have done here.
You are with a shit partner and a shit father and you need to think long and hard if this is how you want your life to be because I certainly can't see him changing!
Get your baby ready and go and speak to your dad and leave that vile cretin to stew in his own juices Thanks

Millie2018 · 13/07/2019 08:10

Oh OP I’m sorry. I checked first thing this morning. Your most recent post doesn’t surprise me. He swears at you and makes you feel awful for challenging his behaviour.
Do not leave your child with him or his mum.
Speak to your Dad. He would be desperately sad to know this is happening to you and you didn’t feel you could confide in him.

RedHelenB · 13/07/2019 08:10

Not in the OP it doesn't
I think saying to him " I expect " does sound controlling. Obviously if hes on coke you wouldn't leave a child with him but none of that was put in the OP.

howdyalikemenow · 13/07/2019 08:11

Thanks for you op. Go to your dad's and spend some time with someone who actually cares. And he won't think you're weak. Think about if your son was going through this. Wouldn't you just want to support and help him? That's probably how your dad feels.

Millie2018 · 13/07/2019 08:13

I also want to echo what @KTara said. There is no weakness in saying ‘I’ve had enough’. Or ‘I (and my son) deserve better’.

urbanlife · 13/07/2019 08:13

Morning op. I hope you have packed a bag and are heading over to see your father or a close friends this morning with your ds. I would not leave a young baby with a man that had been drinking for twelve hours.

Turn off your phone and go out for the day to consider how you are going to move forward.

It is not acceptable for him to drink for 12 hours and not even discuss in advance.

It is definitely not okay for him to call you a bitch, and swear about you, that is abusive.

It is not weak to tell people you are upset and your relationship is in a bad place. Please talk to your dad or a good friend, and tell him everything you have told us. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with him or what support you have.

You are not alone op.

birdeebird · 13/07/2019 08:14

I knew from the title before I even read the thread that you are definitely NBU, OP.

If someone has to question whether they are the one being controlling, they never are. A controlling person does not have that level or awareness or sensitivity - they are too wrapped up on their wants and needs to care about yours. Your 'D'P is not sitting around questioning and worrying about whether he's being selfish or controlling or feeling bad for upsetting you, is he?

I'm sorry he's like this and hope you find the strength to deal with this when you're ready Thanks

billybagpuss · 13/07/2019 08:22

Also please stop minimising your feelings in all of this, when he got home you made no mention of him standing you up for date night, you are important, that was the shit thing that he did with no consideration for you 💐

Original poster
Newkyred · 13/07/2019 08:28

Things are so much worse Sad
DS magically slept till 7.30, I got up with him and fed him in bed as usual DP still sleep.
He woke up said hello to DS I said here you go im going t let the dog out.
This point DP is chatting away to DS

Come downstairs and I hear an almighty thud
DS has fallen out the bed
DP screaminat me I shouldn’t have left him
I feel awful
I can’t believe I left him there
Just rang 111 and they’ve told me to take him to be seen
I feel sick I’m shaking this is awful I feel so bad

OP posts: