AIBU?? Friends wedding invites issues

[Mama2harris]

Hello all,

Sorry for the first post of mine to be a very long one but I wanted to get all the facts in, but I need to know if I’m being the bad friend here....

So I’ve known my best friend for a few years, we met at a mum group both expecting our first child and have become very close over the years.

She lives almost 50 miles away so for me to visit her it’s near on a 100mile round trip and she doesn’t drive so i always have to do the driving to see her which I didn’t mind up until now....

Last year on a number of occasions when I went to see her on our arranged play dates for the little ones she asked if we could do a 70 mile round trip from hers to take our little ones to see one of her other friends with a child the same age as ours, at the time I thought nothing of it as she’s my best friend and I’d do anything for her, she made a point of saying On each occasion that I needed to get to know this other friend because we were going to be bridesmaids together, I made the 170 mile journeys each time because it’s what she wanted and yes if we were going to be in her wedding party we needed to get along which we do,

The end of last year they finally set a date for the wedding, I was super excited for her and helped out with all the things she asked me to do, from helping find cake designs for her to match the colour scheme to sending her a list of everything she needed to plan, then she throws the bombshell at me that only myself and my son are invited to the day and my partner can only come to the evening, not ideal when it’s an hour and a half journey each way to somewhere in the middle of nowhere with nowhere for him to go and wait while me and my son attend the ceremony and meal! And to top it off, no bridesmaid status, she didn’t ask me.

I talked to my partner and he agreed as she’s my best friend and she’s probably just not gotten round to asking me officially to be a bridesmaid he’d just go for a drive on the day somewhere and sit in a coffee shop cos there’s certainly no way we’re taking two cars.

I didn’t mention anything to her as it’s her day, her decision etc but then The invitation came, it’s only for the evening for all of us, this really upset me and I asked her, she told me she hadn’t gotten around to doing the day invites yet and she’ll post it out when it’s done, a few months later we met up for our little ones play date a month or so ago, still no bridesmaid offer, just a lot of asking me questions about planning etc, and other advice. And with the wedding only a couple of months away I’m certain her day invites will have been sent out a while ago already.

I feel totally betrayed and used, did she just tell me the bridesmaid story to get me to take her to see her other friend (who has been asked to be a bridesmaid). Am I unreasonable for thinking she doesn’t see me as much of a friend as I see her? Coming from a very religious family I’ve always seen evening only invites as a bit of an insult, they’re the obligatory “we don’t want you at our day but here come the evening”.

I feel It’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to ask your so called best friend with partner and child to take a day off work to travel an hour and a half away each way to the middle of nowhere and pay for a very expensive hotel room overnight and gift and fuel and drinks just to come to the evening of the wedding which she knows we’ll not be able to stay late due to the little one needing to go to bed.

What’s made it worse is she now seems to be avoiding the whole wedding conversations, in fact most conversations, If I send her a message she’ll read it straight away then either my reply at all or reply a few days later when she has a question to ask me or needs to rant to someone about work or the nursery etc. My son was in hospital earlier this week having surgery and she didn’t even message or call to ask how it went.

I’m so angry. My other half said it’s not right what she’s doing and if I don’t want to go we don’t have to. I really don’t know what to do, am I being unreasonable for thinking this, do I cut my losses, I know it’s her day and all but it still hurts.

Ask her?

It sounds like the friendship is much less important to her than you. I'd be RSVP'ing a decline, politely, and letting things die. No drama, just release it all and move on. It happens.

She’s not your friend. I’d personally step back from this friendship.

Your partner is right; you don't have to go to the evening reception. To be blunt, you have invested more in this friendship than she has; time to find some friends nearer home. Let it go.

I think Ms Marvellous' advice is spot on. Just decline the invite - if she asks why, just state that it's a long way to go for just the evening. If she doesn't ask, she's not that bothered anyway, and you should just let the friendship go.
She's treated you pretty badly, but, do really want to have an argument about it? I'm not sure I'd want the hassle, to be honest.

She sounds pretty fucking rude but I think the only way to know here is to ask her. Just state the facts: ‘you know you said I needed to get to know Deidre as we were going to be bridesmaids together? I was thinking that we haven’t done any bridesmaids stuff like get dresses and it’s coming around fairly quickly. Have you decided you don’t want as many bridesmaids?’ Or, mention her saying you’re going to be a bridesmaid and say you weren’t sure how you’d look after your child on the day on your own without your partner if you’re doing bridesmaid duties.

If she says no to you being a bridesmaid then I think she’s treated you shittily and I’d tell her that you can’t come and I wouldn’t even rack my brains for an excuse.

She’s pulled away from the friendship it seems, perhaps for a particular reason or maybe she just feels you have drifted. Either way she doesn’t sound a particularly nice person and certainly not a good friend as you thought you were.

If it were me I would politely decline the invite, perhaps send her a message saying “I’m really sorry to say I won’t be able to come to the wedding, we’ve got some real issues with partners work and just won’t be able to make it up in time or stay into the evening. I know you’ll have a wonderful day and look forward to seeing the photos”, if she tries to engage into conversation over it or push for details I’d just keep repeating “I know, it’s a shame, sorry”

I wouldn’t even bother addressing how shoddy she’s acted, she’s shown that she doesn’t value you as you value her - it is upsetting I know but I would personally draw a line and move on.

I think she has used you when it suited her and now has decided she doesn’t need you anymore so has discarded you. She’s probably found another mug (sorry OP) to be her taxi... She’s an absolute CF and I don’t think you should attend the wedding at all.

Do you want to go? That's a long way to travel with a young DS for an evening do you can't stay long at as DS will need to go to bed.
I'd be inclined to decline it and save your money. Send her a wedding card. Don't even bother with a pressie. She told you you'd be a bridesmaid then dropped you out.
Like other PPs have said, she's used you and you've been running round after her on a one way street.
Do something lovely with your little family instead that weekend, you could have a child friendly mini break for yourselves on the money you'll save!

Either ask her head on. She’ll come up with an excuse but you might feel better for having stuck up for yourself.

OR/and decline invite. Brutal truth here: she used you and you’re not her best friend. Sorry. You sound very nice find some other friends who appreciate you.

She's a user. Bin her and find some closer to home friends. DO NOT go to this wedding and do not send her a gift. CF!

If she bothers to speak to you again I'd say you told me I was a bridesmaid and now I'm not even invited to the wedding. Has something changed? Id say you've always regarded her as a really special friend and say how hurt you are and how used and let down you feel especially given how out of threat you've gone for hard without second thought. I'd say you dontbfeel able to attend given how upset you are and you can't justify the time, expense etc given she clearly doesn't see you in the same way you see her.
Sad as it Is. She's been using you, you'll have to walk way from this relationship.😔

Out of your way, not out of threat. Not sure how that was corrected🤔🤨

I'm trying to say this gently - but I think she is your best friend, but you are not hers.

Go to the evening do if you want to (I personally wouldn't) but concentrate on making friends who are more local to you (and more invested.)

I agree 100% with Ms Marvelous. Decline the invitation and block her number.

Decline the invitation, don’t make up some rubbish about why you can’t go.

I think there's nothing wrong about evening-only invitations. Equally it's also fine to decline one.

This 'friend' isn't much of a friend. Time to let this one go. I wouldn't say anything, just dial back your interest and effort.

Sounds like the friendship from her side is just dying away unfortunately, so every time you see her your involvement is reducing and reducing.

We had this at our wedding, one of our friendships just faded away so although the person was very involved at the start and had an STD, by the time we sent out invites we decided actually we didn't really want them there at all.

I imagine things have changed a lot for her since the wedding was actually organised. Amounts of bridesmaids and guests is definitely something you should decide after booking and deciding on the scale and theme of the wedding.

She is less invested in your friendship than you are. Decline the invite and step back.

If you really want to know, youll have to ask... but you might get an answer that hurts your feelings even more. The way shes behaved sadly says it all already.

Decline the invite, stop messaging her, if she messages you just keep it polite. You dont have to fall out over this, but whatever dynamic your friendship had has definitely changed/gone.

She's not your friend... decline the invite and have no more contact with her.

Don't make up an excuse. Just decline the invitation. You can send a decline card that says just that; no reasons need to be given.

I would step out of this completely.

And I agree with others, decline the invitation, no need to make excuses. Step out of the friendship. She is not your friend.

Don't go OP, just let her go. You've been a good friend and deserve better