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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Friends wedding invites issues

258 replies

Mama2harris · 12/07/2019 11:08

Hello all,

Sorry for the first post of mine to be a very long one but I wanted to get all the facts in, but I need to know if I’m being the bad friend here....

So I’ve known my best friend for a few years, we met at a mum group both expecting our first child and have become very close over the years.

She lives almost 50 miles away so for me to visit her it’s near on a 100mile round trip and she doesn’t drive so i always have to do the driving to see her which I didn’t mind up until now....

Last year on a number of occasions when I went to see her on our arranged play dates for the little ones she asked if we could do a 70 mile round trip from hers to take our little ones to see one of her other friends with a child the same age as ours, at the time I thought nothing of it as she’s my best friend and I’d do anything for her, she made a point of saying On each occasion that I needed to get to know this other friend because we were going to be bridesmaids together, I made the 170 mile journeys each time because it’s what she wanted and yes if we were going to be in her wedding party we needed to get along which we do,

The end of last year they finally set a date for the wedding, I was super excited for her and helped out with all the things she asked me to do, from helping find cake designs for her to match the colour scheme to sending her a list of everything she needed to plan, then she throws the bombshell at me that only myself and my son are invited to the day and my partner can only come to the evening, not ideal when it’s an hour and a half journey each way to somewhere in the middle of nowhere with nowhere for him to go and wait while me and my son attend the ceremony and meal! And to top it off, no bridesmaid status, she didn’t ask me.

I talked to my partner and he agreed as she’s my best friend and she’s probably just not gotten round to asking me officially to be a bridesmaid he’d just go for a drive on the day somewhere and sit in a coffee shop cos there’s certainly no way we’re taking two cars.

I didn’t mention anything to her as it’s her day, her decision etc but then The invitation came, it’s only for the evening for all of us, this really upset me and I asked her, she told me she hadn’t gotten around to doing the day invites yet and she’ll post it out when it’s done, a few months later we met up for our little ones play date a month or so ago, still no bridesmaid offer, just a lot of asking me questions about planning etc, and other advice. And with the wedding only a couple of months away I’m certain her day invites will have been sent out a while ago already.

I feel totally betrayed and used, did she just tell me the bridesmaid story to get me to take her to see her other friend (who has been asked to be a bridesmaid). Am I unreasonable for thinking she doesn’t see me as much of a friend as I see her? Coming from a very religious family I’ve always seen evening only invites as a bit of an insult, they’re the obligatory “we don’t want you at our day but here come the evening”.

I feel It’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to ask your so called best friend with partner and child to take a day off work to travel an hour and a half away each way to the middle of nowhere and pay for a very expensive hotel room overnight and gift and fuel and drinks just to come to the evening of the wedding which she knows we’ll not be able to stay late due to the little one needing to go to bed.

What’s made it worse is she now seems to be avoiding the whole wedding conversations, in fact most conversations, If I send her a message she’ll read it straight away then either my reply at all or reply a few days later when she has a question to ask me or needs to rant to someone about work or the nursery etc. My son was in hospital earlier this week having surgery and she didn’t even message or call to ask how it went.

I’m so angry. My other half said it’s not right what she’s doing and if I don’t want to go we don’t have to. I really don’t know what to do, am I being unreasonable for thinking this, do I cut my losses, I know it’s her day and all but it still hurts.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 12/07/2019 11:36

That is absolutely crap behaviour. Wow. I wouldn't be going personally. What a shame, to have lost a friendship which you thought was such a strong one. It's a pity you had to find out this way.

This drives it home that if one of you are doing the vast majority of the 'work', it is not an equal friendship.

You're a great friend, and you'll start noticing CF behaviour much earlier in your next friendships. It took me a while to weed out the users but it's worth it.

chrislilleyswig · 12/07/2019 11:37

I would agree with the majority

Decline and step back. She doesn't sound like much of a friend

Don't make up bollocks about partners work either. If she asks, tell her the truth

doodlejump1980 · 12/07/2019 11:37

It’s an invite not a summons.

I’d go with the “need partner there for full day as you’ll be too busy with bridesmaid duties” otherwise, I’d walk away. Could you contact the other bridesmaid to see what the craic is?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 12/07/2019 11:39

I'm sorry your so called friend has done this to you. She's a dick. Decline the invite, don't send her a card or present, and don't bother with her again.

trackingmedown · 12/07/2019 11:40

She doesn’t sound like she’s a very good friend at all and she’s really hurt your feelings. Just reading your post made me feel sad for you.

I would decline the invitation and let the relationship drift. You don’t need ‘friends’ like her.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/07/2019 11:40

Another vote for decline and step back

CatG85 · 12/07/2019 11:40

All sounds very one sided. If it were me, I'd decline. She doesn't value your friendship as much as you do hers at the moment but probably will once you back away. I'd just let this friendship go as it's only going to cause you stress you don't need and people like this rarely change.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 12/07/2019 11:42

doodlejump - OP hasn't been asked to be a bridesmaid.

AuntyMarysBigRedPants · 12/07/2019 11:45

I'm sorry she has treated you this way. Decline the invite but if she asks you why tell her the truth

CoraPirbright · 12/07/2019 11:45

Everyone saying “oh you are her best friend, she isnt yours/you are more invested than she is” is missing the point, I think. I think she is highly invested in using you OP and getting what she can out of you! She used you as a taxi, she used you to do a ton of organising for her, she uses you as an echo chamber to moan about stuff.......all whilst promising you the role of bridesmaid! If she had decided that she wasn’t going to have official bridesmaids (in all the clobber accompanying her up the aisle etc) then fair enough but this other friend does have that role.

I would sack the entire thing off. Too expensive, too much hassle and too bloody insulting to have helped to organise so much and then been relegated to also-ran.

Gabrielknight · 12/07/2019 11:46

Sounds to me that your friendship isn't as strong on her end. And in the kindest way she may be your best friend, but your not hers. I'd decline the invite and be done with it

ptumbi · 12/07/2019 11:47

She is not a friend, much less your 'Best Friend'. Hmm She is someone you see occasionally, when you can get together, and she uses you as a free taxi service.

Drop her. Find some nearer, better friends, or even acquaintances, that won't use you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/07/2019 11:47

It really hurts being dumped by friends. I was dumped by the first woman friend I really opened up to and told how much precious friends and family had hurt me. Personally I wouldn’t bother asking the question. You have all the answers you need. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

HollowTalk · 12/07/2019 11:48

She's a total user. Dump her and her "friendship" - that seems to consist of you doing everything for her. Block her online so you don't have to see her wedding pics.

Summertimeatthebeach · 12/07/2019 11:49

Just decline the invite and have a day out with your dh and ds instead.
Post lots of pics in fb etc.
She is a cf imo.
Don't even send a card either.

anyoldvic · 12/07/2019 11:51

Ask her why the radical shift from bridesmaid to evening only, is it something you said? To try and force her to at least explain and apologise.

Then if she doesn't reply or the response is bad, decline and back right off from this CF.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 12/07/2019 11:52

I think she's been quite cowardly. If she changed her mind about the bridesmaid thing, the decent thing to do would be to talk to you about it. The fact that she didn't talk to you about it makes her a rubbish friend in my opinion.

I would decline. And don't make an excuse. You don't need to make this awkward situation she has created any easier for her.

Focus your time on people who treat you well, and forget her. She isn't the friend she pretended to be.

AnneKipanki · 12/07/2019 11:53

With the majority on this.
I hope you fine a new friend who appreciates you.[flowers}

AnneKipanki · 12/07/2019 11:53
Flowers
Lucked · 12/07/2019 11:53

Decline the invite and then use the money you would have spent if you had all being going to book a little family getaway that weekend.

CharityConundrum · 12/07/2019 11:55

What a mean way to treat someone - YANBU to be disappointed that she's not the friend you thought she was and that she appears to have used you for lifts by promising you something that she either never intended to materialise or that she has changed her mind about without giving you the courtesy of a conversation about it. She sounds rude, mean-spirited and cowardly and she doesn't deserve you as a friend.

Rachelover40 · 12/07/2019 11:55

Don't go. It's sad for you, op, but she really isn't your 'best friend' any more .

As for asking you to do a 170m round trip to see another friend when you visited, that's taking the p**s.

Waste no more time on her, you're worth more. I'm sure you have other friends, concentrate on them.

Pipandmum · 12/07/2019 11:56

Don’t make up any excuses. Just rsvp that you won’t be attending. End of. It’s up to her to make up for her treatment of you. I suspect you won’t hear anything much.
Stop texting, put it on her to get in touch.

INeedNewShoes · 12/07/2019 11:56

Yuck. This has been so badly handled by your friend. I'd decline the invitation. It's completely understandable that you don't feel like going at all.

She's basically treated you as a bridesmaid to get your help with planning but then you're not included on the day. Really unpleasant behaviour.

floribunda18 · 12/07/2019 11:56

Just give her a call and explain your feelings. I'd be prepared that it's probably the end of the friendship though. She can't see you as best friend if she hasn't invited you all day. Unless it was perhaps a very small wedding and family only during the day.

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