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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?? Friends wedding invites issues

258 replies

Mama2harris · 12/07/2019 11:08

Hello all,

Sorry for the first post of mine to be a very long one but I wanted to get all the facts in, but I need to know if I’m being the bad friend here....

So I’ve known my best friend for a few years, we met at a mum group both expecting our first child and have become very close over the years.

She lives almost 50 miles away so for me to visit her it’s near on a 100mile round trip and she doesn’t drive so i always have to do the driving to see her which I didn’t mind up until now....

Last year on a number of occasions when I went to see her on our arranged play dates for the little ones she asked if we could do a 70 mile round trip from hers to take our little ones to see one of her other friends with a child the same age as ours, at the time I thought nothing of it as she’s my best friend and I’d do anything for her, she made a point of saying On each occasion that I needed to get to know this other friend because we were going to be bridesmaids together, I made the 170 mile journeys each time because it’s what she wanted and yes if we were going to be in her wedding party we needed to get along which we do,

The end of last year they finally set a date for the wedding, I was super excited for her and helped out with all the things she asked me to do, from helping find cake designs for her to match the colour scheme to sending her a list of everything she needed to plan, then she throws the bombshell at me that only myself and my son are invited to the day and my partner can only come to the evening, not ideal when it’s an hour and a half journey each way to somewhere in the middle of nowhere with nowhere for him to go and wait while me and my son attend the ceremony and meal! And to top it off, no bridesmaid status, she didn’t ask me.

I talked to my partner and he agreed as she’s my best friend and she’s probably just not gotten round to asking me officially to be a bridesmaid he’d just go for a drive on the day somewhere and sit in a coffee shop cos there’s certainly no way we’re taking two cars.

I didn’t mention anything to her as it’s her day, her decision etc but then The invitation came, it’s only for the evening for all of us, this really upset me and I asked her, she told me she hadn’t gotten around to doing the day invites yet and she’ll post it out when it’s done, a few months later we met up for our little ones play date a month or so ago, still no bridesmaid offer, just a lot of asking me questions about planning etc, and other advice. And with the wedding only a couple of months away I’m certain her day invites will have been sent out a while ago already.

I feel totally betrayed and used, did she just tell me the bridesmaid story to get me to take her to see her other friend (who has been asked to be a bridesmaid). Am I unreasonable for thinking she doesn’t see me as much of a friend as I see her? Coming from a very religious family I’ve always seen evening only invites as a bit of an insult, they’re the obligatory “we don’t want you at our day but here come the evening”.

I feel It’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to ask your so called best friend with partner and child to take a day off work to travel an hour and a half away each way to the middle of nowhere and pay for a very expensive hotel room overnight and gift and fuel and drinks just to come to the evening of the wedding which she knows we’ll not be able to stay late due to the little one needing to go to bed.

What’s made it worse is she now seems to be avoiding the whole wedding conversations, in fact most conversations, If I send her a message she’ll read it straight away then either my reply at all or reply a few days later when she has a question to ask me or needs to rant to someone about work or the nursery etc. My son was in hospital earlier this week having surgery and she didn’t even message or call to ask how it went.

I’m so angry. My other half said it’s not right what she’s doing and if I don’t want to go we don’t have to. I really don’t know what to do, am I being unreasonable for thinking this, do I cut my losses, I know it’s her day and all but it still hurts.

OP posts:
diddl · 12/07/2019 14:10

So did you meet locally & then one of you moved away?

She's an absolute piss taker imo.

I also think you were a bit daft to fall for the "need to get on if you're to be bridesmaids together".

JellyfishAndShells · 12/07/2019 14:11

You were situational friends, meeting at a baby group when it was a first exciting event for both of you and you were geographically close. She moved and part of the reason for your friendship went but she was still settling in and wanted to keep going with the familiarity of your friendship until she built up her own new group.

It’s easy to see why this happens- you became less relevant to her but she either would not recognise that at first or did, and was just going to let it fade away. The fact there was a major event made that more difficult - she should been more direct about the bridesmaid situation sooner and the shuffling of you into a half family and then none to the day is a clumsy and rude way of telling you that you are only on the margins of her life now.

A simple refusal is the best, OP .

rightsideofherstory · 12/07/2019 14:21

Just decline. She's obviously not your friend.

KurriKurri · 12/07/2019 14:25

She's used you as a taxi and now she's dumped you. What a rude piece of work.

I would certainly decline the invitation.

'Sorry I can't come to your poxy wedding, I'm washing my hair that day' should do it. Wink

Rosiesandposies1 · 12/07/2019 14:29

She is your best friend, but you are not her best friend. I think you’ve found that out the hard way unfortunately. I would not attend the wedding. No excuse given. Just don’t go.

Yeahnahmum · 12/07/2019 14:34

Go to her wedding and feed your kid a lot of sugery things prior to it. And then set it free ..
Oh and show up in a wedding dress.Grin

This woman is n o t your best friend

Milicentbystander72 · 12/07/2019 14:35

Yes this is very hurtful OP.

Do as PP's have said. Politely decline. If she's asks just say it's too far to come for the evening. You don't need a big drama or even a big row (unless she gets annoyed at your decision).

Friendships do drift. I've been married for 16 years. There are some people who came to my whole wedding and I haven't spoken to for years now. One guest is now famous and doesn't even respond to my tweets 😂

On the bright side, I have some people in my life I didn't even know back then who are amazing friends.

Honestly don't bother going. You've been used and taken for granted. Terrible.

Grumpelstilskin · 12/07/2019 14:49

Oh, that is really calculating CF behaviour of your supposed friend to get you to chauffeur her around for such a long distance under the pretence that you will meet and get to know your fellow bridesmaid. I would be really hurt and angry over being used and see it as a massive slap in the face to be relegated to the evening do. I would personally probably not even respond, or wait until a day before the event and decline. She has left you hanging anyway. For me, the only way this friendship might recover is if she apologised unreservedly and made the effort to travel to you on public transport if needed for the next few visits and then take it in turn. Otherwise, it be game over.

BrokenWing · 12/07/2019 14:53

You are very naive not to realise and have brought it up when you received the evening invite. Day invites are not sent out separately.

I would bin her off as a friend for the lying to manipulate you more than the evening only invite.

tomatostottie · 12/07/2019 14:57

I'd just decline and then not contact her again.

katewhinesalot · 12/07/2019 15:05

poor op. No wonder it hurts

Hadalifeonce · 12/07/2019 15:06

I think I would be tempted to send the message 'Guess I'm not a bridesmaid then?'

See if I got a response.

Orangeballon · 12/07/2019 15:09

Mumsnet says NO, don’t go.

RadishesAndLentils · 12/07/2019 15:23

Ask her why the radical shift from bridesmaid to evening only, is it something you said

While I agree with all the advice here, it needs saying that the OP is very clear that OP and her DC are invited to the whole day. It's her partner who is only invited to the evening do.

dustarr73 · 12/07/2019 15:24

I wouldnt ask her why you where demoted.She wont tell you the truth.

I wouldnt give her any more headspace.Decline and have a nice weekend away with your dp and dc.

Mary1935 · 12/07/2019 15:31

I wouldn’t even decline - i just wouldn’t go.
She’s lied on numerous occasions - she is one cheeky cow!,,
Don’t upset yourself over her - you will know better next time - I’m sure we have all had them in our lives.

You could be mean and start asking about being a bridesmaid - what colour dress, when are we going for a fitting - oh we will have a lovely day out together - you could milk it - oh I forgot I don’t need a day invitation as I’m being a bridesmaid - I’m really excited (she will start to feel stressed!!) I hope it rains on her wedding day!!!🌺

Hadalifeonce · 12/07/2019 15:34

If you feel you have to respond, as you are a nice polite person, you could buy one of those pre-printed decline cards, very impersonal!

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 12/07/2019 15:38

I’m going to go against the grain slightly and say that I do think you should say something to her. Otherwise it’s going to eat away at you.

I think you should ring, tell her none of you are coming and say you are hurt as she told you that you would be a bridesmaid and has asked you to get involved with the wedding planning and now you’re only an evening guest. Then ask what’s happened from her perspective.

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 12/07/2019 15:51

Go to the night do without RSVP'ng and wear a plain/ivory/cream/white dress

slb1985 · 12/07/2019 15:58

YANBU

Reckon you've got two options. You can confront her about this or decline and let it drop.

MsMarvellous is the one I'd personally go for, I reckon if you confront her she'll probably be evasive, deny it and or cause drama.

itsabongthing · 12/07/2019 16:05

I surprised myself lately by being a bit offended by only being invited to the evening do of a friends wedding.
I’d thought I was pretty laid back about this stuff, understand it’s their day, their choice etc.

I think I just feel a bit stupid because when we were talking about the wedding, where it was going to be etc and she said to expect an invite, to save the date etc. I just assumed.
Then later in the evening she said ‘it might just be an evening invitation’, which I of course said was fine.

But now I’m a bit meh at the idea of travelling about an hour, getting a babysitter, to go to a party where I probably won’t get to speak to her and the ‘main event’ will have happened.
I’d love to see her actually get married. If it was an invite to the evening and ceremony if you wish I’d probably just go to the ceremony but I don’t think it is.

I could of course decline but she got me to say we were free on the date before she slipped in about it being evening only!

So I sympathise and think you should decline basically!

feathermucker · 12/07/2019 16:14

Ouch, she's not what I'd call a vest friend. I would ask her. Nothing to do with being confrontational, but for peace of mind and to know why she's treated you like this.

SuzieQQQ · 12/07/2019 16:23

That is terrible. She isn’t your friend. I would tell her why you are upset which is totally understandable, then tell her you will not be coming and finally block her. She’s a user OP.

Bob5 · 12/07/2019 16:27

RadishesandLentils - no they aren't all invited. OP thought they were, the invite came for the evening only and no other one has arrived for the whole day

PuppyMonkey · 12/07/2019 16:37

@RadishesAndLentils the OP says “The invitation came, it’s only for the evening for all of us,”

I’d ring her and ask for clarification then just explain you can’t make it if it’s just for the evening.