AIBU?? Friends wedding invites issues

[Mama2harris]

Hello all,

Sorry for the first post of mine to be a very long one but I wanted to get all the facts in, but I need to know if I’m being the bad friend here....

So I’ve known my best friend for a few years, we met at a mum group both expecting our first child and have become very close over the years.

She lives almost 50 miles away so for me to visit her it’s near on a 100mile round trip and she doesn’t drive so i always have to do the driving to see her which I didn’t mind up until now....

Last year on a number of occasions when I went to see her on our arranged play dates for the little ones she asked if we could do a 70 mile round trip from hers to take our little ones to see one of her other friends with a child the same age as ours, at the time I thought nothing of it as she’s my best friend and I’d do anything for her, she made a point of saying On each occasion that I needed to get to know this other friend because we were going to be bridesmaids together, I made the 170 mile journeys each time because it’s what she wanted and yes if we were going to be in her wedding party we needed to get along which we do,

The end of last year they finally set a date for the wedding, I was super excited for her and helped out with all the things she asked me to do, from helping find cake designs for her to match the colour scheme to sending her a list of everything she needed to plan, then she throws the bombshell at me that only myself and my son are invited to the day and my partner can only come to the evening, not ideal when it’s an hour and a half journey each way to somewhere in the middle of nowhere with nowhere for him to go and wait while me and my son attend the ceremony and meal! And to top it off, no bridesmaid status, she didn’t ask me.

I talked to my partner and he agreed as she’s my best friend and she’s probably just not gotten round to asking me officially to be a bridesmaid he’d just go for a drive on the day somewhere and sit in a coffee shop cos there’s certainly no way we’re taking two cars.

I didn’t mention anything to her as it’s her day, her decision etc but then The invitation came, it’s only for the evening for all of us, this really upset me and I asked her, she told me she hadn’t gotten around to doing the day invites yet and she’ll post it out when it’s done, a few months later we met up for our little ones play date a month or so ago, still no bridesmaid offer, just a lot of asking me questions about planning etc, and other advice. And with the wedding only a couple of months away I’m certain her day invites will have been sent out a while ago already.

I feel totally betrayed and used, did she just tell me the bridesmaid story to get me to take her to see her other friend (who has been asked to be a bridesmaid). Am I unreasonable for thinking she doesn’t see me as much of a friend as I see her? Coming from a very religious family I’ve always seen evening only invites as a bit of an insult, they’re the obligatory “we don’t want you at our day but here come the evening”.

I feel It’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to ask your so called best friend with partner and child to take a day off work to travel an hour and a half away each way to the middle of nowhere and pay for a very expensive hotel room overnight and gift and fuel and drinks just to come to the evening of the wedding which she knows we’ll not be able to stay late due to the little one needing to go to bed.

What’s made it worse is she now seems to be avoiding the whole wedding conversations, in fact most conversations, If I send her a message she’ll read it straight away then either my reply at all or reply a few days later when she has a question to ask me or needs to rant to someone about work or the nursery etc. My son was in hospital earlier this week having surgery and she didn’t even message or call to ask how it went.

I’m so angry. My other half said it’s not right what she’s doing and if I don’t want to go we don’t have to. I really don’t know what to do, am I being unreasonable for thinking this, do I cut my losses, I know it’s her day and all but it still hurts.

She isn't your friend. Decline.

YANBU. But you really need to ask her. It's the only way to get to the bottom of this. Doesn't have to be shirty, just call her or text her and say:

Hi, just confirming, as the wedding is only a couple of months away now, I do need to know now for definite: Am I a bridesmaid still? And am I invited to the day as well is the evening?

Keep it all as breezy as you like if you don't like confrontation. Or not. I think you're entitled to a straight answer imho.

If the answer is no to both of these questions, I would decline the invite and take a massive step back from the friendship. Sounds like a one-way street friendship and she sounds like a user.

Decline, block on, ignore, move away.
She’s not your friend and has used you. She now has no further use for you. Hard to hear and acknowledge but better now and you don’t need to waste anymore energy, time or money on her. Lucky escape!

As others have said, don't go to the wedding and let the friendship wither on the vine. Nobody wants to take time off work and spend a shed-load of money for a couple of hours in the evening. Realistically, it's two half-days off work, isn't it? Unless you leave at the crack of dawn the following day. On top of that you'll feel uncomfortable and the 'also ran'.

She’s utterly rude and a complete user. I would not even bother rsvping, but I’m childish like that

It's horrible to find out that someone doesn't think as much of your friendship as you do... like others have said, decline the invite and step back from the relationship. I hope you make new and better friends more locally.

Decline.

Don't send a gift.

If she asks you why, tell her (though she probably won't unless she needs you to give a friend/relative a lift to the evening do).

You are better than this, and deserve better friends. You'll find them - most of us appreciate a good and loyal friend. We aren't all CF users.

This is a cruel and hurtful way for her to behave,

Friendship should be give and take and it sounds like it's just take, take, take with this person. I agree she is just a user and I'd sack her off and focus on people who treat you decently.

For what it's worth evening only invites should only be given to people who live locally. Expecting people to travel and stay over just for an do is tacky.

I would decline her invitation and not give a reason why, doesn't sound much of a friend to me, i wouldn't bother much with her now, sounds like she uses people for her own gain.

Yanbu. I would politely decline the invitation.

It was incredibly rude to tell you that you would be bridesmaid, then resind the invite. Then to only invite you to the evening.

I had similar in that my best friend, who had been my bridesmaid, didn't reciprocate. That in itself would have been fine, but then she didn't invite my child, to what was not a child free wedding. It was also in the middle of nowhere on a weekday. I declined the invite as I wouldn't have been able to attend without my child.

Absolutely do not contact her and ask if you are a bridesmaid. It's pretty obvious that you are not. She's sent you an evening only invite and has side stepped conversations around the wedding in all recent conversations.

I think that she is less invested in your friendship than you are, and certainly she is a user. It may well be that she's like that with other people. How long have you known her? I would think that you probably don't know her as well as you think you do.

I wouldn't bother to go as far as blocking her but would probably decline the invitation as it seems a lot of hassle for one evening with a young child.

Concentrate on making some more local friendships and do something nice on the day with your family.

I feel totally betrayed and used
I would too.
She did it deliberately.
She is no friend to you.

She knew your good nature and manipulated it.
A couple of things jumped out at me from your post - where are your boundaries?
You were prepared to do a 50 mile trip for a playdate/to see her and never expected the same in return.
She's perfectly capable of using public transport to travel to you once in a blue moon.
I would not have kept putting myself out for someone who never reciprocated or was grateful for it.
When she asked you to do the 70 mile trip - i would have only done it the once.
She could have arranged for the other friend to come to hers if she wanted you both to get to know each other instead of putting you out again.

You keep ignoring the inconvenience to you and minimising - your feelings time, travel, petrol etc
They matter! YOU matter!
She used those reasons as an excuse not to make an effort with you in return - and she saw that you would just keep on giving - and you did.
Even now you're more about contemplating how to make your attendance ta the wedding work.
My immediate response would have been "hell no!" and i wouldn't be wasting my energy pondering over what/how to deal with it.
I wouldn't even bother asking her to explain herself - she's only going to give you excuses that you can't argue against.
She's pulled back because now her behaviour and lies are the elephant in the room and she knows that YOU know....and she's too much of a coward and selfish bitch to hold herself accountable.

I'd just ghost her.
I wouldn't even dignify her with a response to the invitation.

It is hard to discover you aren't as important to someone as they are to you.

I agree with others, no need to be petty or dramatic, just send an RSVP decline. If she queries it, just say it's a long way to go for an evening only invite.

I wouldn't text her again, and see how long it takes her to contact you. This friendship has run it's course. It does sound like she just wanted you to help her out, not to be her friend.

Don't let this stop you being a good friend to other people.

If it were me I would politely decline the invite, perhaps send her a message saying “I’m really sorry to say I won’t be able to come to the wedding, we’ve got some real issues with partners work and just won’t be able to make it up in time or stay into the evening.

No. Fuck it. Don’t say this. Tell her the truth. That you feel let down and you won’t be dragging your family all that way and incurring all that expense for just the evening. Then cut her out. She obviously doesn’t care about you. Find some nicer friends who value you.

That is such hurtful and selfish behaviour, I don't blame you for being upset and shocked. It is hard to believe that people can be so selfish and mean.

I agree with those who have said that it seems for her the friendship has drifted. He actions say it all, she doesn't see you as a best friend.

It is fine or friendships to drift, but she has used you and I suspect lied or told you what you wanted to hear, to get what she wanted from the friendship.

She is probably one of those people who gets close to people quickly and makes everyone she gets friendly with feel as though she is their best friend. But probably, you are one of many and she is discarding people when she is done with them.

I would 100% decline the invitation - you'll feel better about it later

I Wouldn't even send a card!😡

This person is NOT your friend.

Definitely decline the invite then block. Don't give her the satisfaction of asking why. You know the answer. She is being an absolute bitch. She knows she is and doesn't care.

You don't need creatures like this in your life.

She's clearly a CF with no intention of you being anything more than a source of a gift at little expense to her on the day. Don't bother to RSVP, don't get a card or gift. You've wasted too much time, money and emotion already.

If she does chase up the RSVP (which I doubt) you can just ask why on earth would you come?

I know it must hurt your feelings quite badly, but it does seem that you care far more for her than she does for you. Honestly I'd cut my losses and focus on finding some local friends. She has made it clear where you stand with her.

I would not be going to this wedding. Sorry OP, your friend sounds crap.

She’s just not that into you.
Decline the invite, no gift and no more 140 mile round trips for play dates.
I wouldn’t treat a low tier friend like this never mind someone who is meant to be your best friend

Yeah I would just decline. What a shame.

She sounds like a complete CF

RSVP today saying you will not be coming. Do not reply to her if she asks why. She has used you - and is no friend

I would decline it altogether. She's not a friend

Send a decline reply card, make no excuses then have nothing more to do with her. All take, no give. You'll find a better friend.

If you want to know why she's become such a bitch go with pp suggestion
Ask her why the radical shift from bridesmaid to evening only, is it something you said

However, I think I'd be inclined to send a decline card and let that be the last contact you ever have with her. I might stretch to a card for the wedding but no way should you send a gift.

Definitely decline. From bridesmaid to evening invitation - awful behaviour. And no present.
I'd be astonished if she asked you why you're not going to the wedding. I don't think you'll hear from her again.
If you do, it'll be because she wants something.
Keep your dignity and sever contact. It's sad, but she's not worth it.