AIBU?? Friends wedding invites issues

[Mama2harris]

Hello all,

Sorry for the first post of mine to be a very long one but I wanted to get all the facts in, but I need to know if I’m being the bad friend here....

So I’ve known my best friend for a few years, we met at a mum group both expecting our first child and have become very close over the years.

She lives almost 50 miles away so for me to visit her it’s near on a 100mile round trip and she doesn’t drive so i always have to do the driving to see her which I didn’t mind up until now....

Last year on a number of occasions when I went to see her on our arranged play dates for the little ones she asked if we could do a 70 mile round trip from hers to take our little ones to see one of her other friends with a child the same age as ours, at the time I thought nothing of it as she’s my best friend and I’d do anything for her, she made a point of saying On each occasion that I needed to get to know this other friend because we were going to be bridesmaids together, I made the 170 mile journeys each time because it’s what she wanted and yes if we were going to be in her wedding party we needed to get along which we do,

The end of last year they finally set a date for the wedding, I was super excited for her and helped out with all the things she asked me to do, from helping find cake designs for her to match the colour scheme to sending her a list of everything she needed to plan, then she throws the bombshell at me that only myself and my son are invited to the day and my partner can only come to the evening, not ideal when it’s an hour and a half journey each way to somewhere in the middle of nowhere with nowhere for him to go and wait while me and my son attend the ceremony and meal! And to top it off, no bridesmaid status, she didn’t ask me.

I talked to my partner and he agreed as she’s my best friend and she’s probably just not gotten round to asking me officially to be a bridesmaid he’d just go for a drive on the day somewhere and sit in a coffee shop cos there’s certainly no way we’re taking two cars.

I didn’t mention anything to her as it’s her day, her decision etc but then The invitation came, it’s only for the evening for all of us, this really upset me and I asked her, she told me she hadn’t gotten around to doing the day invites yet and she’ll post it out when it’s done, a few months later we met up for our little ones play date a month or so ago, still no bridesmaid offer, just a lot of asking me questions about planning etc, and other advice. And with the wedding only a couple of months away I’m certain her day invites will have been sent out a while ago already.

I feel totally betrayed and used, did she just tell me the bridesmaid story to get me to take her to see her other friend (who has been asked to be a bridesmaid). Am I unreasonable for thinking she doesn’t see me as much of a friend as I see her? Coming from a very religious family I’ve always seen evening only invites as a bit of an insult, they’re the obligatory “we don’t want you at our day but here come the evening”.

I feel It’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to ask your so called best friend with partner and child to take a day off work to travel an hour and a half away each way to the middle of nowhere and pay for a very expensive hotel room overnight and gift and fuel and drinks just to come to the evening of the wedding which she knows we’ll not be able to stay late due to the little one needing to go to bed.

What’s made it worse is she now seems to be avoiding the whole wedding conversations, in fact most conversations, If I send her a message she’ll read it straight away then either my reply at all or reply a few days later when she has a question to ask me or needs to rant to someone about work or the nursery etc. My son was in hospital earlier this week having surgery and she didn’t even message or call to ask how it went.

I’m so angry. My other half said it’s not right what she’s doing and if I don’t want to go we don’t have to. I really don’t know what to do, am I being unreasonable for thinking this, do I cut my losses, I know it’s her day and all but it still hurts.

and I'd be interested to know why actual bridesmaid (presumably the 35-mile away friend) is no longer speaking to her.

Me too!!

After reading your recent update OP. I think
@iknowimcoming's post is very fitting:-

"I'd send an rsvp regret card and not put a stamp on it"

This has me howling. I'm literally in stitches. Imagine her having to go to the post office to pay for your lack of stamp plus the admin fee. Just to open your declining rsvp. I'm laughing so hard!

Nope I'd be sending her an RSVP telling her you wish her all the luck in the world with her wedding but you won't be there.

She completely used you for that 170 mile trip because she needed you to drive her. I think the friendship has run its course, as hard as that may be for you to hear.

Can I just add that I think everyone here saying move on is right. As are you for saying you’re done with it all.
But do allow yourself to feel sad about it if you need to. I had a close friend do something not very nice to me and it took me a while to get over. I kept pretending it was fine and I was better off etc. But it really did hurt. I think it was only when I acknowledged that and accepted how crap it made me feel, that I actually did move on from it in the end.
Even now I feel a pang if regret at how it went. I feel for you. It’s really horrible to be let down like this but it’ll be her loss in the end.

I would decline the invite too and you don’t need to give a reason but if she text and asks why? read it and leave it a few days before you respond and see if she likes being treated like that! I hate the excuse of I don’t drive so you have to do all the traveling as if she was a real friend she’d get on a bus or train to see you! Sounds like she very selfish and manipulative with you so that’s not a friend! You sound like you’ve bent over backwards to be their for her yet she can’t see how your child is after an operation!!! Do you wanna be my friend as you sound like a lovely friend to have. Chin up gal and tell her to piss off, you deserve better xxx

As others have said, there is absolutely no way in hell she hasn't finalised guest lists if the evening invites are already out. You do not send two invites to the same person for different bits of your wedding. She's having you hanging on because she is well aware that she very well may need you again whether it's sorting out final details, setting up the venue or taking supplies there in your car (depending on how DIY the wedding is). Maybe you'll get the job of transporting the buttonholes and corsages. Could be picking up the suits? Maybe setting up the venue tables. You lucky devil you.

She is not just "not your best friend" she is a calculating, lying user. Just you wait, there'll be a request of a favour or your driving before the wedding.

Please, feel free to agree.

Then sack it off and don't go without letting her know.

Friendship is a two way mutually appreciative relationship. It show bring some degree of pleasure to both parties. If it doesn’t I’d argue it’s not a true friendship and question the value of that person to me personally. There are always times that life isn’t great and one friend will support the other more but ask yourself has this ever happened if your friendship? If she isn’t there for you during times like your son’s surgery then is she really a friend you want long term.

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