Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve married a monster

187 replies

JoylessNewMarriage · 11/07/2019 19:06

I’m a long time regular poster but have NC here.

I’ve only been married for six months to a man I’ve lived with for four years. My vows were important and I want this marriage to work, I really do. But he’s turned into a monster, in fairness the red flags were there, but I suppose I didn’t want to look.

Problem is my job is tied into his, and my home. To up and leave would mean not only throwing in my marriage but my job and home. I know I’ve been stupid to put all my eggs in one basket but isn’t hindsight marvellous.

I’ve got a small amount in savings but not enough for a house rent deposit if I’m not working.

I’m genuinely thinking I have no options.

Last night he pushed me into the wall,
Yelled in my face and was just so horrible. He’s totally uninterested in any problems I might have at work, he just walks away. He plays sport up to five times a week and has told me next year he’s going on a boys holiday for a week all inclusive costing £1000, it means we won’t have a holiday next year. Every single time we fall out he blames me for everything, he takes no responsibility for anything. He told me last night if I don’t like it I can just move out (it’s his tied Cottage we live in).

I don’t have children but he does. They’re almost adults and mostly live with their mum.

No one actually knows him, he comes across as a kind sensitive man, he’s anything but.

Any ideas? I’ve contemplated ending it, or running away.

Sorry this is a bit garbled,
I’m a mess.

OP posts:
MrsMiggins37 · 11/07/2019 23:03

6 months, no kids. I’m not suggesting it will be easy but it will only ever get harder as time goes on.

cafenoirbiscuit · 11/07/2019 23:06

Cash-back at the supermarket is a good way of getting extra cash.

You can do this xx

Jaxinthebox · 11/07/2019 23:09

please leave this abusive person. Im in Scotland and have a spare room if you need one. Just get out.

Pikapikachooo · 11/07/2019 23:23

You have no kids and no ties
Please please run for the hills lovely
Listen to people here and make an escape
Plan

FizzyGrape · 11/07/2019 23:34

I live in East Anglia and I have a room spare for a month or two.

Coyoacan · 11/07/2019 23:48

Really the longer you wait, the weaker you will be. You say you have very few friends because he alienated you from them. Are you certain they won't accept you back now?

I know you say that you are in as bad as position as a woman with children. People have pointed some of the advantages you have over a mother, another very important one is that you can look for live-in posts, in a hotel or abroad even. I don't know what kind of work you do, but I'm thinking of a stop-gap to get you clean away.

A friend of mine taught English as a foreign language in Georgia, for example. The job came with accommodation.

Lillieloveisland · 11/07/2019 23:55

I really don't get you OP - your previous thread screamed leave.

This is the same.

You've been give great advice from posters who have been there and much more.

Either leave or don't. It's not hard

TheABC · 12/07/2019 00:00

If you had cancer, you would be down to the doctor's ASAP and doing whatever they recommend to treat it. This guy is your cancer. He is just as likely to grind down your life and possibly kill you.
Treat it with the urgency it deserves. I personally think an overseas job in the sun teaching English would be a good substitute for a miserable holiday.

Palaver1 · 12/07/2019 06:10

OP you have the choice stop being silly .
For the sake of a house that’s not even yours.
You stayed for a couple of years and have always been treated like crap.
Your free free as a bird there are others who are tied down because they have a lot more invested..lnfact your making a mockery of those that are really tied down.
Stay if you want live this life if you please it’s your choice.
It’s time you were shocked out of this silliness.
Remember you only get one chance one chance at living .Tick tock snap out of this get up and move.
I’m sorry I refuse to pander to this your choice your life your decisions

TatianaLarina · 12/07/2019 08:35

It’s so bloody scary, I don’t feel strong enough to leave and start again. Sorry to sound so weak.

It’s not that scary. The more you talk up the fear the more it grows. It’s the fear itself you fear more than anything.

By the sounds of your work, you just need to find another job with accommodation attached, and then you can go.

LadyBumclock · 12/07/2019 08:50

It's not fair to call OP "silly". It's well-known how hard it can be to leave an abusive relationship when you have been ground down and doubt your own capacity to survive, or fear the process of leaving. Or perhaps a lack of confidence and self-esteem led you to accept that kind of relationship in the first place - I speak from experience.

OP it takes a ton of guts and it IS scary. But it's your life and you can make it happier - the fact you posted shows you recognise you need to leave. Finding the strength, courage and the right time is easier said than done but you can do it. Many people here want you to because they know how much happier you will be.

beanaseireann · 12/07/2019 09:28

Lillieloveisland
Do you have a link to the previous thread ?

Scorpiovenus · 12/07/2019 10:26

Just leave him

don't put up with this for a man with kids.

BarbedBloom · 12/07/2019 10:46

I was you, living in his house, working for him, no children. I had built up in my head how hard it would be to start over, my family also believed my ex was lovely. I posted threads elsewhere and people told me to leave but I didn't. Then one day he found the banking slip with my secret savings. He held me down with a knife and threatened to ruin my face so no one would ever want me. I left that night with the clothes I was wearing and my laptop. If he hadn't have gone that far I might still be there. I went to a refuge who helped me set up a new life. The first night he contacted everyone on my facebook friends list. I blocked him and all his flying monkeys.

After I left no one believed me, my mum apologised to him for my behaviour. What I thought were our friends sided with him as he was just so lovely. Do you know what, it doesn't matter. I am ten years on now, happily married and I don't even recognise myself back then. I am telling you all of this because leaving might seem hard, but it is the only choice. He will escalate, you will have children and they will be the ones pushed into the wall

Waveysnail · 12/07/2019 13:14

OP the world is your oyster. You just have to grab it. What about job that takes you away somewhere else with accommodation

www.naafi.co.uk/working-for-naafi

Original poster
JoylessNewMarriage · 12/07/2019 15:34

Thanks very much to everyone for the comments.
He was home early last night so couldn’t log on.
He’s back to being civil and almost polite today but I know it won’t last. It’s the weekend and it highlights how miserable my life is.
Thanks so much for the support, to those saying it’s easy, just do it, it’s really not. I don’t have any confidence and suffer from pretty awful anxiety. I know this is related to him but nevertheless it’s still there.
I’m going to try to build up the savings and look for other work and accommodation.
There’s been a lot of kindness here and I’m grateful.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 12/07/2019 16:12

@Joy lots of us appreciate how hard this must be and how trapped you feel, lots of us feel for you and want to help you

SunshineCake · 12/07/2019 16:14

It's not easy to do but you have to decide what option to take. Good luck.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 12/07/2019 16:15

If rather be happy and homeless than unhappy with a man who was violent with me.

Tavannach · 12/07/2019 16:21

I’m going to try to build up the savings and look for other work and accommodation.

Honestly just get the train fare and go to friend or family and rebuild from there.

PeoniesarePink · 12/07/2019 17:01

Buy a copy of The Lady magazine - there is a huge ad section in there for all sorts of live in staff. From caring/companions to housekeepers and mothers helps. It would sort out the emergency accomodation issue and he'd struggle to find you.

Worth a look? Or otherwise register with an agency as a live in carer - again, most won't require previous experience, just someone with common sense.

buttertoasty · 12/07/2019 17:05

Op do you have family you can stay with just to get away? The sooner you get away from him the sooner your confidence will begin to build again.

RightYesButNo · 12/07/2019 17:17

Also, a lot of women in your situation say, “ I have no friends now because he didn’t like them / he isolated me.” Like you’ve said. I’m sure your friends were a little hurt when they thought you chose a bloke over them but I KNOW that when a friend called me and it turned out the truth was she just said, “I’m sorry it’s been so long but he wouldn’t let me have friends and he’s hit me,” I called all her previous friends and we helped her get out. Please don’t assume prior friends won’t help, if you’ve been socially isolated. Saying the truth will set you free sounds trite, but love, staying may get you killed. And if he ever chokes you, leave immediately even if you have to show up on an old friend’s doorstep without calling, report him to the police, go to your employer’s, (you keep saying your cottage is part of the employment, so I’d guess he’s a gameskeeper or farm manager or vicar or something - these men still can be abusers), do anything. There are tons of statistics that men who choke will kill.

NannyRed · 12/07/2019 17:39

You married him. It’s up to you to leave him, he won’t leave you.

Agree with pp, be thankful you don’t have children.

Such a shame so many people marry the waste of space, I’m sure next time will be better. Good luck xxx

tolerable · 12/07/2019 18:15

op. putting it off until youve saved equates to not leaving.There will always be one more thing to save for,one morestep to take....IF,and i'm sorry,but its unlikely,-he stops at wall slamming.... He doesnt matter.pretendy nice or not. you do.nobodys gony white horse in and save you.and anyway. You are strong enough./////you can do this. ..It isnt whatchu wanted\signed up for. ...hell,you mighta even have been a wee bit wwrong in getting it so wrong. You cant move forward-til its done.do it x