I’ve married a monster

[JoylessNewMarriage]

I’m a long time regular poster but have NC here.

I’ve only been married for six months to a man I’ve lived with for four years. My vows were important and I want this marriage to work, I really do. But he’s turned into a monster, in fairness the red flags were there, but I suppose I didn’t want to look.

Problem is my job is tied into his, and my home. To up and leave would mean not only throwing in my marriage but my job and home. I know I’ve been stupid to put all my eggs in one basket but isn’t hindsight marvellous.

I’ve got a small amount in savings but not enough for a house rent deposit if I’m not working.

I’m genuinely thinking I have no options.

Last night he pushed me into the wall,
Yelled in my face and was just so horrible. He’s totally uninterested in any problems I might have at work, he just walks away. He plays sport up to five times a week and has told me next year he’s going on a boys holiday for a week all inclusive costing £1000, it means we won’t have a holiday next year. Every single time we fall out he blames me for everything, he takes no responsibility for anything. He told me last night if I don’t like it I can just move out (it’s his tied Cottage we live in).

I don’t have children but he does. They’re almost adults and mostly live with their mum.

No one actually knows him, he comes across as a kind sensitive man, he’s anything but.

Any ideas? I’ve contemplated ending it, or running away.

Sorry this is a bit garbled,
I’m a mess.

Leave I know it seems impossible but you will find a new job and even if you have a rent a bedsit until you’re back on your feet it will be worth it in the long run.
It will be hard, you won’t be back on your feet immediately but it’s better than a lifetime of fear if you stay.
Speak to women’s aid they often gave financial advisors on site who can help you.

Not having children means you never have to see him again, that’s all people mean, of course its still hard to leave. Do a moonlight flit, you won’t regret it.

If you have children you are always in each other’s lives. It’s still shit but you could start again somewhere else. Go to family or friends if you need to. Leave the shitty man and job and home and look for a new life. What’s the alternative? Doing this for years? I bet his ex knows what he’s like.

Omg OP, PLEASE listen to what other posters have said. I was in your shoes two years ago. He could've killed me. VERY VERY dangerous. Like you I ignored the signs & it DID get worse. Do a Claire's law at the police station. I did & the results were eye-opening.

The fact that you’re alone for those nights is a plus as you can use that time to find a new job. Then a new place to live. Then, one day when he comes home at 10pm and expects to find you home - you’re gone.

I desperately hope your so-called 'D' H isn't a gamekeeper. Get out. Get out now.

Your situation is shit, there's no denying it but it will only get worse if you stay.

It will be hard, awful even, walking away with almost nothing but you will be able to walk away.

Stay and you might be leaving in an ambulance.

I have been in a similar situation to you and I left when I was pregnant.

I lodged with a landlady as I too couldn't have paid a deposit for rent.

If you'd have to leave your job anyway, do you have family you could move in with?

Another thing you could do, and you are absolutely a worthy candidate, is to go to a refuge. Women's Aid would have details of what is local, or you could contact the refuge directly (please be careful, don't leave traces of what you've been looking up etc). From the safety of the refuge or a friend's/family member's place, you could look into your eligibility for social housing for which I think rent is often paid week by week with no deposit.

The main thing is to get out now, before you are even more ground down.

You always have option. Trust me you do. Things will not improve if you stay. Please please tell someone in real life about this and get out now.

I'm going to presume you are the Nanny/Cook/Housekeeper and he's the Gardener/Handyman/Driver on an estate or similar.

I also work in this area and have stood in your shoes.

In this situation, DO NOT tell your employer. Particularly if your H has worked for them longer than you and wears a very convincing mask. They WILL side with/tell him and you could be put in serious danger.

Contact recruitment agencies on the sly and get them proactively finding you a new position. I would strongly recommend a job abroad. The pay is often better and you'll be well out of his reach. He'll have moved on to his next victim by the time you slip back to the UK under his radar 6 months later.

As pp have said, start making your plans to leave. Photocopy all your important documents and hide the originals (or better yet give to a trusted friend or family member for safekeeping), photocopy his payslips/work contract etc for divorce evidence, and start putting away savings in a secret bank account. Move your treasured belongings to your parents/siblings/good friend if you can.

You can do this OP.

Crucially, do not under any circumstances let him suspect you are leaving him. Just disappear one day to live your fabulous new life free of the threat of violence.

Future you will thank you for being brave and taking that leap now.

As he’s out most nights you have opportunity, pack a bag, get your documents and just walk out. You say you have been distanced from friends but if any person, no matter how long it has been since I’d seen them, turned up at my door and explained the situation I would take them in until they got something sorted. You can get another house, you can get another job, you can’t get another life. Get out now before you are seriously hurt or killed.

Definitely apply for jobs on the sly. Register with your local housing association and start bidding on properties. Reduce your outgoings as low as possible so you can accelerate your saving. Are you paid a fair wage?

Do you have someone you trust outside the home? Can you confide in them? Even if you have their home to squirrel stuff away to.

Firstly, remember to delete your history on your phone, etc, in case he goes on and sees this thread. You don't want him any the wiser.

Everyone on this thread is right, you need to get out. Start applying for jobs tonight, anything will do. Try and get something lined up, even if it's minimum wage and terrible, at least you'll be in control of our own income and have something to rely on when you leave. Start compiling documents and keeping them in a safe place. Have you got any friends you could confide in... even one? Could they act as a safe keeper for some of your belongings while you're in the process of leaving? Do you have a joint bank account? Do you think you could do a food shop and lift money and 'pay' for it with that? And keep some for yourself to put into your savings without him noticing? I obviously don't want you to put yourself in any danger, so only do things like that if you're sure he won't notice.

When you're ready to go, wait until he's going to be out for a long time. I'd start 'tidying' the house now, aka getting your shit in order so when you go to pack and leave, everything that you care about/need is in one accessible place, and you can chuck it in bags and go out the door. Especially remember to take any sentimental items as he will likely destroy these when he realises you have left.

A lot of the women on this thread will have genuinely good advice, more so than me. Be safe and careful.

Hi I’m sorry you are going through this. He’s got you tied to him hasn’t he. Another bloody bully. He’s abusive. Do not tell him you will call the police if he hits you again. Thank god he’s out every night but he’s a selfish pig.
If he does assault you again I would call the police and get his arrested.
You do need to start telling others. I told a couple of friends, called women’s aid and told my GP so it was on record. Abuse thrives on secrecy - start talking and let others know.
My ex was the same - mr niceguy outside but a miserable bully at home.
I’m soooooo happy now - it’s took a while but really worth it.
Look after yourself - he will not change.🌺

Moonlight flit

Thanks for all the responses. I’m very grateful. Our employers are good people but like most think that he’s a kind and sensitive man. He can put on a very good show for a long time. He’s been here longer than me and has a more senior position, there’s no question I’d have to leave and I know he’d make up that I was a terrible wife and that he was the injured party. He’s quite clever that way.

It’s so bloody scary, I don’t feel strong enough to leave and start again. Sorry to sound so weak.

I know it is scary but you need to leave. This is only going to get worse and worse. Please contact woman aid. If there are any major tourist city/towns nearby see of any hotels/b&bs are looking for staff and offer accomdation as part of the job. It might be a stop gap until you get back on your feet.

3 years ago I was living with my abusive husband, on a military base. I hadn't worked for 4 years, the RAF gave me 3 months to get out of the house. I'd put this off for well over a year as I was so scared about what would happen.
What happened? I got a not much more than minimum wage job (19k for 40 hours) and a one bed flat. Short term I went into to debt. I had no furniture, no savings, I moved 200 miles to be closer to my family.
3 years on I'm on 30k, have bought shared ownership, have a brilliant relationship (not that that's the most important), and a new set if friends that I've mainly all met in the last 3 years.
I'm late 30's.
Please just do it. It really, really, bloody really isn't easy but I promise you you'll be so much happier.

Op. You absolutely can leave. Look on spareroom.com or similar. Get bar work, or cleaning work or register at a temp agency. Go and see your gp because they may be able to point you in the right direction and put you in touch with agencies. And contact the police regarding his assault.

You have no kids. It's hard but it's a lot harder with kids and there are absolutely practical things you can do right now. Wishing you luck

Do you have anyone who would come get you? Just take control and pick you up?

Speak to Women's Aid if nothing else.

Please call women's aid, that's what I done, I was with someone similar and my life became an absolute living hell. My ex could have killed me and I had to involve the police. I wasted so many years and I am still working on my recovery now. The sooner you can leave, the better it will be. You can and will rebuild your life.

The most important things are your safety and freedom.

Nothing is worth more than your life or your safety. Leave. Everything else will sort itself out. Just leave.

IME it only gets worse.
You need an exit plan.
Do not tell him that you are leaving because men like this escalate really quickly to physical violence when they know their partner is going to leave.
You need to get out while you still can.

Could you apply for a live-in nanny job or similar? I do feel for you. Like other posters say, this will only get worse not better, and your energy will ebb away even more. At the moment you feel he has the whip hand and the power. I think if you felt you were driving the situation, you'd feel empowered again?

Would you rather have nothing, but be free or have everything and be stuck and miserable?
It may seem scary, but keep thinking what your life could be like without that abuse, it's not too late to start again and I know in a few months or a years time, you may be coming on here to give someone else the same advice, and you will be so proud of what you've overcome