I’ve married a monster

[JoylessNewMarriage]

I’m a long time regular poster but have NC here.

I’ve only been married for six months to a man I’ve lived with for four years. My vows were important and I want this marriage to work, I really do. But he’s turned into a monster, in fairness the red flags were there, but I suppose I didn’t want to look.

Problem is my job is tied into his, and my home. To up and leave would mean not only throwing in my marriage but my job and home. I know I’ve been stupid to put all my eggs in one basket but isn’t hindsight marvellous.

I’ve got a small amount in savings but not enough for a house rent deposit if I’m not working.

I’m genuinely thinking I have no options.

Last night he pushed me into the wall,
Yelled in my face and was just so horrible. He’s totally uninterested in any problems I might have at work, he just walks away. He plays sport up to five times a week and has told me next year he’s going on a boys holiday for a week all inclusive costing £1000, it means we won’t have a holiday next year. Every single time we fall out he blames me for everything, he takes no responsibility for anything. He told me last night if I don’t like it I can just move out (it’s his tied Cottage we live in).

I don’t have children but he does. They’re almost adults and mostly live with their mum.

No one actually knows him, he comes across as a kind sensitive man, he’s anything but.

Any ideas? I’ve contemplated ending it, or running away.

Sorry this is a bit garbled,
I’m a mess.

Is he a farmer?

Pack it and leave. Him having had that control over you while you just rolled over and forgave... never gonna work. Just count your blessings it's just you who you're gonna have to be responsible for and move on. Otherwise you will find yourself in 10 years with 2 kids on your apron strings and all domestically abused. It'll be much, much harder then.

op. love yourself enough to believe you deserve better. realise that no home,job or arsehole IS better. these are all things you can get again. cut your losses n love your life.

I think that people are saying that it is a blessing you don't have dc because with dc it can be impossible to leave completely because of the ongoing abuse via control re dc. And some women feel they have to stay, depending on the situation, to protect the dc.

The situation you are in is awful and very difficult, no one who has been through it would underestimate it. It will take a lot of strength to sort it out. There is that saying though - that in the middle of difficulties lies opportunity - have faith that something better is waiting for you.

I knew a gamekeeper like this, get out asap. If 1k means you cannot have a holiday next year you are on the breadline anyway with this useless lump you married.

You can be rehouse, you can save for a mortgage, you can rent, you can house share, you can get a new job, hell u can even retrain and start over completely..... you cannot have a new life if he ends it. You cannot have a new face if he beats it into a pulp, you cannot fix a broken neck or broken back from a fall down the stairs.

Make sure your contraception is up to date. Apply for other live in jobs somewhere a good distance away or abroad leveraging off your current experience.

Make copies of any key information and documents even a photo on your phone can help.
Put anything you value somewhere safe either out of the home or in a bag so you can pack it quickly.
Don’t give him a hint you are thinking of leaving - be the proverbial duck serene on top and paddling like mad below the surface.

Violence tends to escalate and you are in danger. Please ring Women’s Aid

HE should be the one leaving OP,not you.
Report to police and ask for bail conditions for him not to return,this will give you some time and space to work out what's best for you.
I appreciate it's a tied house with his job,but he has assaulted you as well as abused you and he should go,irrespective of anything else.
I'm so sorry this has happened after you married.
You can start again and be happy.
Wishing you lots of success

I hope he does not have a gun licence, if he does you might be able to use that to keep him in line. He will lose that and his job if the police are involved.

Many of us on here will have stayed in relationships far, far longer than we should have because the thought of starting again/financial upheaval/ selling a house etc was just too daunting but your DH won't get any better, he is an unpleasant piece of work who is not even any company for you if he is out most evenings. Plan to leave, as many others have said, save as much as you can and look for other jobs, maybe with accommodation. Don't feel silly, be proud of yourself for having the courage to leave and not be in the same situation in 5 years.

You can escape and you must escape
we all want you to escape

Chazs I was just about to say the very same thing re: contraception. YOU MUST NOT GET PREGNANT!!! Make any excuse you can not to have sex with him if he tries - period, thrush, UTI, whatever. If he gets you pregnant that's it - you're well and truly fucked.

Now, have a think about why you haven't left yet. You've no DC (not minimising the situation btw), you've got a little bit saved and you know things need to change. So why are you still there?
Are you scared he'll hurt you? You can go when he's out. WA will help you with this.
Don't you want to be on your own? You'll never be as lonely as you are now. You'll never be with other company if you stay where you are.
Is it the stigma of divorce that's stopping you? I have news - there's no such thing. Nobody gives a shiny shite if you are divorced. And if they do, well do you really want to associate with people who think that way?
You say you aren't 'strong enough' to go. Do you have the ability to place a selection of items in a suitcase? You must have done it when moving house, going on holiday etc. Can you open your front door and close it behind you? Of course you can! Can you get from A to B by yourself? You haven't mentioned any disabilities so I'll assume yo can. See - you can physically LTB. Of course, the emotional strength is different and this is where WA are a massive help. Please contact them tomorrow. Please.

Hotel jobs. Loads of them at this time of year.

I’ve done this, live in hotel chambermaid, food and a room included. Seriously, pack and get the fuck out. No kids, no debt. It’s easier that it will ever be.

This kind of thing...

www.greycoatlumleys.co.uk/jobs/housekeeping/housekeeper/q-live-in-housekeeper

I don’t feel strong enough to leave and start again.

You really can find that strength, and there are people out there who are extremely willing to help. Contact Women's Aid as a starting point. You must get out, this is literally a matter of life and death.

A practical consideration is needing a reference from your current employer to secure a new position. This might mean they reveal your new location to your husband.

Are you brave enough to start picturing a new life? take some tiny steps towards that tonight/tomorrow? call women's aid just for a chat, look up the freedom program, look at job ads, house shares and picture yourself a few months down the line free and happy?

It’s so bloody scary, I don’t feel strong enough to leave and start again. Sorry to sound so weak

Do you have parents or siblings who can accommodate you until you feel stronger? If so, you MUST ask for their help. Get things in proportion. My ex husband and my current husband have their faults and I complain about their minor failures. . But for all their faults, neither one has ever laid a finger on me in anger. I divorced my first husband because we married too young and grew out of each other. But he was gentle and kind. My current husband can be a pain in the arse but he is also gentle and kind.

If either one had pushed me up against a wall or shown any signs of violence I'd be out of there and gone. Immediately. And reported to the police. That's physical assault.

I hear of this so often nowadays, that 'he only did it once' or 'well, he was really stressed at the time' And women just continue to make excuses for, and stay with, men who are easily tipped over into violence.

If it's like this six months into your marriage JoylessNewMarriage then it can only get worse. You need to leave now. I really hope you have parents or siblings or friends who will accommodate you until
you can establish yourself elsewhere.

You only have one life. It's not a rehearsal. Don't waste your life on this awful man who treats you badly. From your OP I think he might be substantially older than you. Get rid of him. He's not your dream man, or your soulmate. Do you want to live your whole life with him?

There are lots of men with younger wives who treat them like goddesses and are very much in love with them.
Doesn't sound like your bloke falls into that category.

Seriously, you really have to rethink your options. Get strong. Mumsnet will help you with that.

You ARE strong enough to start again. Confide in someone and ask for help. Please do not waste your life being with this man, he will get so much worse. The house the job it’s all sortable. You need to take the first step, everything else will be easier from there. Xxxxxx

You have to decide what you want to do Op, it’s s your life and you are unhappy. One step at a time.

You are clearly extremely incompatible

He's abusive.
There'd be something seriously wrong if she was comparable with him.

*compatible

I so wish OP would come back and tell us that she's had an epiphany.

No kids, no responsibilities. And she's dumping his sorry arse as we speak. That would be the ideal.

OP, this is going to sound harsh but

LUCKY YOU

Unlike many, you only have 6 months of marriage under your belt - you have not been so worn down over years that you can't recognise abuse any more.

You have no children. Once you start again - your contact with him can be ZERO EVER.

You have a small amount of savings.

Most people trying to leave abusive marriages have NONE of those things. I promise you I am not trying to lessen the feelings of fear and overwhelming panic that you are facing (I speak from experience) but please believe me when I tell you that you are holding three aces right now. Leave whilst you have these trump cards as they are a huge advantage and however hard leaving will be, the quicker you go, the quicker you will be out the other side.

A home - you will find one
A job - you will find one
A happy life with this pig - never

Go now

He is perhaps home now so she is being careful not to let him know she has been on here.