Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve married a monster

187 replies

JoylessNewMarriage · 11/07/2019 19:06

I’m a long time regular poster but have NC here.

I’ve only been married for six months to a man I’ve lived with for four years. My vows were important and I want this marriage to work, I really do. But he’s turned into a monster, in fairness the red flags were there, but I suppose I didn’t want to look.

Problem is my job is tied into his, and my home. To up and leave would mean not only throwing in my marriage but my job and home. I know I’ve been stupid to put all my eggs in one basket but isn’t hindsight marvellous.

I’ve got a small amount in savings but not enough for a house rent deposit if I’m not working.

I’m genuinely thinking I have no options.

Last night he pushed me into the wall,
Yelled in my face and was just so horrible. He’s totally uninterested in any problems I might have at work, he just walks away. He plays sport up to five times a week and has told me next year he’s going on a boys holiday for a week all inclusive costing £1000, it means we won’t have a holiday next year. Every single time we fall out he blames me for everything, he takes no responsibility for anything. He told me last night if I don’t like it I can just move out (it’s his tied Cottage we live in).

I don’t have children but he does. They’re almost adults and mostly live with their mum.

No one actually knows him, he comes across as a kind sensitive man, he’s anything but.

Any ideas? I’ve contemplated ending it, or running away.

Sorry this is a bit garbled,
I’m a mess.

OP posts:
ComeAndDance · 11/07/2019 20:22

I get the feeling of feeling strong enough.
As you are in your own in the evening anyway, I would use that time to go and see a counsellor.
Or contact WA and do the Freedom program
Read books about abuse
Anything that will help you realise that you don't have to put up with his behaviour. And that you are strong enough to leave.
Because the issue here is that he is becoming more and more physical and in the close future, if you are still there, he will hit you.

Remember, if you are coping with abusive behaviour like this, then this means you are a VERY STRONG person. Not a weak person, not a looser. But someone who is able to withstand the worse and still stand up. You ARE strong enough to start again and make your life nice and happy again.

Cryalot2 · 11/07/2019 20:23

Flowers so sorry.
Best you can do is contact woman's aid immediately. 08088021414.
Yes it means leaving, but your safety is paramount.
I wish you welll

IdblowJonSnow · 11/07/2019 20:24

Incompatible? Can't believe a pp posted that. He's abusive, they're not 'Incompatible'.
Go to a friend or relative and don't go back. All the rest can be sorted later. If you have a joint account take as much or all of it, as you can.
Please don't stay. Flowers

PeoniesarePink · 11/07/2019 20:27

You either stay and live in misery/wait for him to kill you; or leave and have some temporary hard times financially. Any refuge would help you, give you support and help you find a job/somewhere to live.

I don't mean this rudely but you are the only person putting obstacles in your path.

I know what my choice would be.

growlingbear · 11/07/2019 20:27

You have no children and you know who he is. Honestly, it couldn;t be simpler. Just pack up a case of your most precious belongings and go. You can start again anywhere. Go and stay with a family member or friend as an emergency while you sort out what to do. If you want to, you could secretly withdraw as much cash as possible from any joint account and start looking for jobs that come with accommodation - even temporary ones, until you find your feet.

Cobblersandhogwash · 11/07/2019 20:30

@Stayawayfromitsmouth they're incompatible? Is that what you call abuse?

SabineUndine · 11/07/2019 20:31

You MUST leave. Things are going to get worse, not better. Nothing else matters but your safety and your happiness. Get your stuff together and aim to be out as soon as possible - within days. Flowers

Rosielily · 11/07/2019 20:32

I know you say is more senior to you at work and is well regarded - but is he really? Have you even tried to confide in someone you can trust at work? Someone there might just listen to you, or find you a similar job elsewhere?

Thump · 11/07/2019 20:41

Start looking for a new job.
Doesn't need to be any fuss, he doesn't need to know.
When you get a new job, you take it.
Don't tell him where it is.

Sorry, I may have missed this earlier, but can you not just split up and move on?

ravenmum · 11/07/2019 20:43

I know he’d make up that I was a terrible wife and that he was the injured party. He’s quite clever that way
You won't be there any more, you won't see those people, and you have to drop the idea that the world has to see what a good person you really are. Over time that will get easier.

The sooner you leave, the more time you will have to build a new life. Every day you stay is one day less of your new life.

Were you going to stay in that job for the next 30 years? When did you start? If you left now, would you be in a different position to before you started that job?

Who'd choose to live in fear and raise kids with an abusive dad so as to have a lovely cottage?

I don't understand your priorities.

AdoraBell · 11/07/2019 20:46

Confide in your friends. Are they all I’m the same area as you? Could can apply for jobs away from his company.

Saffy101 · 11/07/2019 20:53

They ALWAYS put on a good show in front of others. They are charmers. Please believe me I DO know!!! It will get worse. I got out quite quickly it was a very long time ago and he has done awful things to several other women since. Please just do it. It DOES NOT MATTER what other people think. only that you get out and are OK.

mathanxiety · 11/07/2019 20:54

Sign on today with multiple employment agencies in your area of work and also cleaning agencies.

Call Women's Aid and Shelter.

Look for landlady type accommodation.
Do you have a friend with a couch?

I know he’d make up that I was a terrible wife and that he was the injured party. He’s quite clever that way.
At the end of the day, he is the one with two failed marriages under his belt, one of which was of very short duration.
Who is going to look worse?

It is perfectly normal to feel scared and to try to convince yourself that there are more downsides to leaving than to staying. On top of the practical difficulties you have been ground down by the abuse and feel less than confident. And you are also beating yourself up for being taken in by someone who is good at lying and manipulating others, or for being stupid, or whatever. Please remember that the aim of abuse is to make you think you have no option but to stay and absorb the punishment. Don't let him win.

Mrsboombastic99 · 11/07/2019 20:56

This must be an awful situation for you to be in Flowers the first thing is do you have anyone else you could stay with like friends or family for a while? If not I'd start looking for a new job ASAP. So that your finances aren't tied to him. That way you can start looking for somewhere else to live. It will only get worse, and life is to short to be with someone who doesn't treat you with love and respect x

Jux · 11/07/2019 21:06

You're not weak, you're scared.

AJPTaylor · 11/07/2019 21:09

Go rent a room somewhere
Get a new job
Save up for a deposit

Neverender · 11/07/2019 21:12

Honestly, PLEASE ask someone outside if your situation for their view.

You won't believe it until you do it.

National Domestic Violence helpline...call them and tell them what has happened and they will reflect back at you what has gone on and what you should do to protect yourself.

Please call them....

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/07/2019 21:14

First things first, if you're often alone at night then start applying for jobs. Any job. Start getting in contact with friends and relatives and tell them what's been going on and ask if anyone needs a lodger or house sitter in the summer.

beanaseireann · 11/07/2019 21:22

JoylessNewMarriage
You have to leave him.
Call that helpline Neverender posted or Womans Aid.
Are your parents, siblings or friends nearby ?
Who was your bridesmaid?
Can you confide in her?
Is there anyone else who was at the wedding you can confide in ?

Winterlife · 11/07/2019 21:24

I agree with PP. Find another job that is not tied to his, then get out.

The abuse will get worse over time. Keep a log of your abuse, in case you need it for legal purposes in the future. Just do so somewhere he can't access it, such as an email account with a very secure password.

Abusers often surreptitiously place keyloggers on computers, so don't do anything from home. I suggest you polish up a resume at a friend's or your parents' home, use only your mobile number for contact, and even use your parents' or a friend's address.

Good luck!

growlingbear · 11/07/2019 21:25

I don't feel strong enough to leave and start again

Don't hang around until you feel strong enough, because you'll end up feeling less strong every day. You don't have to feel ready to do it. You just do it. I bet within twelve months of leaving you'd feel amazingly powerful. And it doesn't matter what he says about you because you'd be free of him.

Crockof · 11/07/2019 21:30

It's summer. Seaside resorts are crying out for staff. Pack your stuff and leave, head to the coast find caravan parks, bars, Cafe, pubs lots have accommodation, OK its a bit shit but it's manageable. Or look it the country magazines. There are loads of ads for live in housekeeper. Doesn't matter what you do now just leave whilst you can.

cakeandchampagne · 11/07/2019 21:33

You know you need to leave.
And you are strong enough to do it.

Pinktinker · 11/07/2019 21:42

Do you have any relatives or friends you could stay with at all? I would do that firstly. Contact women’s aid as PP’s have suggested. Start looking for a new job, even if you have to apply to 100 jobs a day- something will come up. You can do this.

Nothingcomesforfree · 11/07/2019 21:43

The most successful people know when to leave and when to stay. Look at Boris..didn’t want to be May and now is standing for OM.
Is it your time Op? Has the benefit of living with someone who provides a house been outweighed by the fact he doesn’t make you happy, doesn’t help you and doesn’t offer a future?
Now or a couple of months. But start packing.