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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’ve married a monster

187 replies

JoylessNewMarriage · 11/07/2019 19:06

I’m a long time regular poster but have NC here.

I’ve only been married for six months to a man I’ve lived with for four years. My vows were important and I want this marriage to work, I really do. But he’s turned into a monster, in fairness the red flags were there, but I suppose I didn’t want to look.

Problem is my job is tied into his, and my home. To up and leave would mean not only throwing in my marriage but my job and home. I know I’ve been stupid to put all my eggs in one basket but isn’t hindsight marvellous.

I’ve got a small amount in savings but not enough for a house rent deposit if I’m not working.

I’m genuinely thinking I have no options.

Last night he pushed me into the wall,
Yelled in my face and was just so horrible. He’s totally uninterested in any problems I might have at work, he just walks away. He plays sport up to five times a week and has told me next year he’s going on a boys holiday for a week all inclusive costing £1000, it means we won’t have a holiday next year. Every single time we fall out he blames me for everything, he takes no responsibility for anything. He told me last night if I don’t like it I can just move out (it’s his tied Cottage we live in).

I don’t have children but he does. They’re almost adults and mostly live with their mum.

No one actually knows him, he comes across as a kind sensitive man, he’s anything but.

Any ideas? I’ve contemplated ending it, or running away.

Sorry this is a bit garbled,
I’m a mess.

OP posts:

TruJay · 11/07/2019 20:01

This happened to my mum. Independent her whole life and married for the first time late 40s. Lovely guy, really nice - 3 weeks after the wedding, what an evil bastard! Violence (kicked her right in the chest at one point!) hid her things and moved stuff around the house so she thought she was going crazy, insults, ignoring her, isolating her from us kids and friends.
Financial, emotional and physical abuse - my mum is the most independent, fierce woman I’ve ever known and it was insane what he was turning her into. Within 18months the divorce was final.

GET OUT NOW!
‘It’s better to have loved and lost than to love with the psycho the rest of your life’

StrongTea · 11/07/2019 20:02

Doesn’t matter what he says to folk. People aren’t daft and know there are always 2 sides to the story. If you can get some legal advice get it. If you have access to bank accounts take half of the balance. Good luck.

TruJay · 11/07/2019 20:02

*live

xJodiex · 11/07/2019 20:03

Oh gosh, you are NOT weak, you're very very strong, you reached out to us here, that's amazingly brave and strong and is the first step to freedom!

My ex was the same, charming, well-liked. He sounds like a typical narcissist. Richard Grannon has great videos on youtube explaining it all if you ever have time to look (maybe after you leave him). No one would have believed me either BUT women's aid did, anyone not connected with my ex DID believe. And I was so glad I reached out and got out. You will be too.

livinglavidavillanelle · 11/07/2019 20:06

You're not strong enought to leave, YET. But you do need an exit plan as PP have said. Start saving as much money as you can. Get a second job if possible, or start applying for other ones. Far, far away. Copy all your documents, start getting those ducks in a row and prepare to find the strength to leave.
You deserve more, much more than this.

BestestBrownies · 11/07/2019 20:06

Just take baby steps OP.

Start sorting through your stuff and making plans.

Don't wait for him to give you a life-changing injury before you take action.

girlinabluedressagain · 11/07/2019 20:07

It is easier to leave without kids. You don't have to worry about how you can train/ attend interviews without childcare, you don't have to worry about if you can afford childcare whilst you work, you don't have to worry about never being able to go out or make friends as you can't afford childcare, you don't have to worry about earning enough to keep the kids, you don't have to worry about losing custody, you don't have to worry about him being permanently in your life. It may be scary, because he has made you feel dependent and afraid, but you really are in a good position to start over. It won't be easy but it will be doable and it is definitely better than the alternative. All the strength you will ever need is already inside you - reach deep and find it.

Bellasblankexpression · 11/07/2019 20:08

Please leave Op. I know it’s scary but it’s going to get a lot scarier.
Is this the first time he’s assaulted you?
At the very least please call women’s aid.
Yes this is hard and yes it’s going to turn your life upside down but staying is going to be so much worse. If he’s a monster now after six months what state do you think you’re going to be in after six years?

NotStayingIn · 11/07/2019 20:08

You’ve posted about this before. Everyone told you to leave. You have two choices: leave or have a shit life. I’m sorry but I’m at the point now where I don’t understand the problem. You don’t have kids, you are in quite a good position. You were told last time to start job hunting and saving, have you done anything? Even if you need to rent a room in a shit hole and build your life up again, get your shit together and do it. Or, do nothing, and post about this again in a few months. It’s like you want to be a victim. You actually aren’t stuck in a bad place, you just want to believe you are. Sorry to be harsh, but literally you need to get a fucking life!!!!

Remoteisland · 11/07/2019 20:09

You really are much much better off than if you had children. I’m not saying that to turn it into a competition. I’m saying it to press the point home that, if you decide to stay and end up having children with him, please believe everyone that says it will be considerably harder to get out then. No matter how hard you think it will be now, you are better off doing it now anyway, if that is what you know is the right thing to do.

Jellybeansincognito · 11/07/2019 20:10

Jobs are replaceable, houses are replaceable. Your self esteem isn’t replaceable, your life isn’t replaceable.

Things will be ok, it may be shit first, but it will be okay.
Get your things packed and get out of there, you’ll look back at first but in the future you’ll regret you didn’t leave sooner.

Best wishes xx

81Byerley · 11/07/2019 20:10

Please leave.

Nothingmuch · 11/07/2019 20:10

You must leave. Go to your parents, a friend, women’s aid. Anywhere but just get out. He’s driving you out, can’t you see that ? I bet he won’t come looking for you.

I walked out of my marriage once, and it’s really easier than you think. You can find employment and friends or family will take you in. You’ve only been married four years, so do it now before it gets worse. Things will get better I promise.

managedmis · 11/07/2019 20:11

It’s so bloody scary, I don’t feel strong enough to leave and start again. Sorry to sound so weak.

Imagine if tomorrow morning you packed your stuff, left and got a train to another city. Found a place to rent. Found a job.

This life would be gone. And it'd only be yesterday.

I can guarantee he wouldn't give a shit for more tha than two minutes.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 11/07/2019 20:11

A pp upthread has a good point- is he a gamekeeper? Does he have access to a firearm? If he does, you need to get away now.

Rachelover40 · 11/07/2019 20:12

Take legal advice immediately so you can work out a plan. He certainly is a monster.

louloured · 11/07/2019 20:12

hello oh lovely I feel so sad for you what a nasty bully he is .please don't think that you don't have a choice because you do ,though it's scary starting over it's a better life for you than been with a bully and a violent one it will get much worse .have you spoken to dvap?they a great help and will help you all the way ,seek.legal advice and contact the police and record everything .have you a video or audio recorder on your mobile to record what he says ?please don't be afraid once you're away from him and feel stronger your life is your own and you'll be free xxxxx

managedmis · 11/07/2019 20:12

If you have separate finances and no kids you have a hell of a lot more than a lot of women who have left.

Just go.

werideatdawn · 11/07/2019 20:16

Then stay..but be prepared for him to get worse. You are currently in an excellent position to leave. No kids, separate finances and some savings. Who cares what he tells other people.
Just leave. It really is that simple for you.

CrotchetyQuaver · 11/07/2019 20:16

Do it, accept you'll need to find a new job and home. It'll be worth it in the long run. That's no way to live as you know. Short term pain for long term gain if ever there was.

Try getting back in touch with those old friends of yours, they may well be absolutely delighted to hear from you and able to help you start over again if you share your circumstances with them. Best of luck.

DistanceCall · 11/07/2019 20:17

If you'll stay he'll kill your spirit, or just kill you literally.

You need to leave, and you know it. It's harder in your mind than it will actually be.

Do you have anyone who can help you? If not, talk to Women's Aid.

YouDancin · 11/07/2019 20:17

He's already assaulted you. It's going to get worse as he thinks he's invincible.
Please, for your own safety just leave.
It is a MASSIVE step, needs lots of bravery but plan your day. Find a new place to stay, get a new job, any job to start with.
Then take a day off sick when you know he'll be home late and MOVE. Just go. Get someone you trust to help you move if you can.
Look after yourself. Life can be so much better than this.

Also, it might be worth talking to your local police as he has been violent to you once. If it is on record, even with nothing done, if he does escalate and you call them, them may come quicker and treat it more seriously.
good luck.

DistanceCall · 11/07/2019 20:17

And please, for the love of God, Don't. Get. Pregnant.

Tigger001 · 11/07/2019 20:18

I think it's best you just pick one of the 5 nights he is out and just leave.

My mum did it with the clothes on her back and was a lot happier after, she was in a little flat until she could get housed and I then moved in with her.

Kids or no kids it's horrible and you don't have to live like that, no one has the right to put their hands on you.

Do you have a brother or sister?

Charmlight · 11/07/2019 20:22

I’m not totally clear - is your property mortgaged?
If not, as previous posters have said - you have no ties. There’s always some kind of work to tide you over.
Do you have family anywhere near?

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