To move DP into mine and DS' home?

[username567]

Not sure of the responses I'll get here.

I've been a single parent since DS was born (he's 2.5), so I got a little home for us when he was born to rent and made it a secure and loving place and always loved the fact that it's just ours.

Met DP and got (very unexpectedly) pregnant within the first few months. We have always intended to move in together before DC2 arrives but it'll be more towards when I'm 32ish weeks so that it wasn't too soon for DS and that's when we'd have savings for deposit and furnishings (as my home was already majoritively furnished) to move in somewhere.
That was always the plan as I thought it'd be better for DS to have this as our home and then move into a new home and have it as us 3 and a new babies home and have it be a bit more time.

Now I'm rethinking and I'm not sure if it's just because of stress.
DS and DP get along great. DP interacts really well with him, DS wants to see him more than me at the minute and he's got a crazy attachment to me!

Should I leave it as the original plan or should I move DP in to our original home in the month or two before we find another home? Would that be easier for everyone? Would it make it harder for DS to have never lived with DP and then have big adjustments including first new home and a new sibling and DP suddenly living there? Would it be hard on me and DP to have never lived together before (somewhere where I'm familiar with all arrangements) and then suddenly have to pay to furnish a home, deposits, rent and manage finances together off the bat? Should it be more eased in?

I'm not sure what's best! I'm just never sure of moving someone into mine and DS's home, I worry that the security he should have there is just me and him.

I haven’t read the whole thread but you’re getting a lot of advice that isn’t really relevant - some men aren’t the evil, abusive, ‘gas-lighting’ misogynists that MN seem to think they are. I was with my (now) husband for a grand total of about 6 days when we conceived our first child, we immediately shared finances and everything else really. Sometimes things happen that aren’t planned for, but it doesn’t always fail.

To answer your actual question OP if I was going to do this with my 3 year old I would do it all at once, move house, move bf in, get his kids round for visits and I would probably try and do it at least 3 months before new baby so he has time to learn that this is our life now, before another big upheaval. I think if you do it in baby steps he’ll probably end up more confused because he’s always going to be waiting for the next ‘little’ change

Er no. I'm saying that the OP perhaps should have aborted early on so that she wasnt in this position.....but seeing as she is she shoulder be prioritising her new dp over her existing child.

Not that hard to understand surely.

You didn't think the fact that he already has 2 DC was even worth a mention?! People had to draw it out based on all your gushing about his "parenting", of which you can in practice have seen very little?

No, no, no, no. Too much risk, too much upheaval. You can't move a man in because you want help with the baby, and his feelings about living with the baby are not your problem. Stay put, live separately, give it time. Getting a younger sibling is a huge upheaval for any child - a new live-in stepdad, stepsiblings and house too? Big nope.

You do have ridiculous rose-tinted glasses on. Your DS is awesome with change, but guess what, his DC are even better? The kids are soooo excited about their sleepovers? Blending families this way would be difficult and high-risk even in a relationship of much longer standing than this. Have you spent any time on the Stepfamilies board here?

I see the OP hasn't come back and didn't card to answer as to how often he sees his existing dc and how far away they are from him.

You say that he's a very caring dad, but with all respect, he's not actually your child's father. This is all much too soon.

I'm saying that the OP perhaps should have aborted early on so that she wasnt in this position

What position? Being pregnant? She has the choice as to whether to stay financially independent as she raises her children or choose to try co-parenting? Seems pretty mainstream to me.

@Kungfupanda67 if you had RTFT you’d have realised he has two children already, she has one. I’m assuming you and your DH did not already have children when you fell pregnant. This situation would be fine if OP and her DP did not already have children to consider but they do so it’s absolutely not worth the risk to them.

@hadthesnip2

Stop telling women to have abortions. As a man you have absolutely no right to tell a woman what to do with her body.

I would follow your instincts. If things are going well and it feels like the right thing to do then I personally would go with it. I personally feel like one change at a time seems best. New home new baby new step dad all at once could be a head spinner! I know it sounds silly but you could also ask the child's opinion (obviously just to find out his feelings, not to make him decide!!!!)

I think you really should ease into it much more slowly. It sounds like you've been together for a very short time from what you've said, how long has it been exactly?
Could you spend some time staying over at his place one night a week if you don't already? It would give you a taste of what living together somewhere that's new to you & DS would be like. It's also useful to gauge if there's any noticeable difference in how your DP is on his own turf rather than yours, in all sorts of ways.

There are some nasty posts on this thread.

username567 congratulations on the pregnancy. Sooner than ideal, but still a lovely thing 💕. At 2.5 a sibling is a pretty normal occurrence 🤷🏻‍♀️Many toddlers react by regressing and misbehaving - but it’s to be expected and would be just the same if Dp was his Dad and you’d been together 20 years! You can’t not have other children because your two year old might not like it - this is no different in that respect plus there are lots of ways to help it not be so difficult for them.

Despite being excited now I think his DC will find it hard & May be very difficult too, they’re bound to
Be hurt no matter what you do:say Having YOUR Dad living with other children& not you ) even if you like/love them) has to hurt 😢 but you can help them by doing as you have done (including them and treating them all fairly) making sure they all get 1:1 time with their bio parent as well as family time

Obviously it’s far from ideal, but.... ‘life’

You sound like you’ve got your head screwed on & you’ve thought of everything but you were just asking ‘how’ People thought it would be best to do it practically
MOT to have a lot of judgement and people telling you he’s definitely going to abuse you and you should have aborted your baby 🙄this place can be wonderful but it can also be bloody awful, sorry you got the bloody awful side of things. I do think some posters really are just worried and have been in your shoes, others are the mothers of the ‘first children’ who have often had a rough time and watched their kids go through hell when Daddy gets a new partner & has more children. Some the children in this situation when it wasn’t handled well etc

Answering what you actually asked about I’d get DP to stay a lot more now then in a few weeks talk to DS about finding a new house with ‘something exciting to a small child that you don’t have now’ (( bigger garden so room for a sand pit or whatever) don’t make the new house finding about DP or the baby

I’d look for bigger places, but only ones you could definitely afford on your own with 2DC should the worst happen (you might need to stop telling the DC they’ll all have their own rooms or you’ll need a 5bdrm and I’m assuming that would be way more expensive than you’d want to pay for if you did want to kick him out

I would go for only
one of you being on the tenancy
At this stage. I know you’ve discussed it and he says he’s fine with that being you, but it could work to your advantage not to be on it as then you could leave with just your two DC and move into a smaller place. He would then have the responsibility for the lease and he’d had some stability for his older children

Keep talking to him about money, making sure you iron out all the details that you can and that you’re on the same page about everything (as much as you can be before you throw it all in together anyway) make sure you both end up with some ‘personal spends ’ And that neither of you are resentful about the set up. The rent should come out of the account of the person on the tenancy IMO

Keep talking and I’m sure you’ll be fine, you sound sensible, thoughtful and mindful 🌷